LucrativeSid
New member
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2007
- Messages
- 837
Journal Entry: May 31, 2009
I ate this morning. One pound of hamburger meat and some green beans. (With no seasonings or salt because I didn’t want it to taste good.) It tasted kind of good anyway because I was so hungry!
I went to the D.M.V. first. I was nervous, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I only made two wrong turns. I avoided an accident when someone pulled out in front of me. There wasn’t much of a line and the lady who helped me get a new license was actually pretty pleasant. Right when I’m counting on her to be otherwise, too! My cheeks were bright red in my new photo, just like the first two times they took my picture. All in all, I wasn’t suffering much so I decided to take a risk. I smiled at her and told her to have a nice day. It was hard, but it felt good, unfortunately.
I went to the doctor next. I got lost plenty of times, but I had such a rush from driving in the city that I couldn’t feel any pain. Finally, I limped my ass in there. At first, they must have thought I had something wrong with my throat, because I couldn’t talk. Eventually, I told them my ankle was pretty messed up, but I didn’t have any money or insurance and I didn’t know what to do. I threw in there that I could barrow the money if I had to. (Swallowing a chunk of pride the size of a horse should be pretty painful.) Long story short, they said they couldn’t just leave me like that. They looked at it, braced it up, told me it would heal and how to treat it, and said they’d send me a bill. The doctor wrote me a prescription for some pain medicine, but I said I could take O.T.C drugs if I couldn’t afford the prescription painkillers . Well, I did the hard the part! I’m not taking any medicine, screw that. I’m doing well with my suffering. I’m keeping the pain.
After these first two ventures, the job hunting was not that hard, unfortunately. I went to a couple of temp agencies that were near the doctors office and another one down the road, and I also applied to that warehouse that I’ve always had my eye on as an option but that has also always scared the shit out of me. What if I’m too stupid to drive a forklift? What if I hurt somebody? What if I ruin a $2,000 piece of equipment?
All in all, I pushed myself pretty hard today. And I didn’t suffer that much. I actually felt excitement. I felt in control, kind of. I guess I didn’t push myself hard enough. Tomorrow, I will. Tomorrow, I will confront as many of my biggest fears as I possibly can. I’ll do something crazy. Something irreversible. Something that will make me shit my pants. I’ll confront all of my biggest fears and insecurities at the same time.
Tomorrow, I will truly know pain.
Journal Entry: June 1, 2009
Holy shit! I did it! I can’t freaking believe it! Today, I confronted all of my biggest fears and insecurities. I wrote the following on a big sign: “I’m afraid, lonely, and insecure. I desperately want to love and be loved and to live life to the fullest, but I’m only making a huge mess of myself, and although it pains me to admit it, I need help.”
It was a little painful to write it, but my real plan for suffering was to take the sign in public and stand by it. To face my fears and expose my insecurities. To be more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Nothing could cause one more suffering than complete vulnerability.
I drove to the mall with the sign, too anxious about what I was about to do to be afraid of my driving in any way. I got there with ease, swallowed hard, and took the sign in. I hobbled my way to the relaxation center in the middle of the mall where everyone walks by, propped the sign up off the floor for all to see, and stood by it with a beat-red face. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. I almost vomited. What’s everyone going to think? Are the security guards going to kick me out? Are people going to insult me? Are there going to laugh at me? Am I going to die?
While I was freaking out, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything around me. When I finally came to and looked my fear in the eyes, I noticed that a lot of people were smiling at me. I awkwardly smiled back. Some people clapped. I was getting an extremely warm reaction! Someone who saw the sign from the second floor yelled out, “You are an inspiration!” and hopped on the escalator. A couple of old woman walked up to me and hugged me. One said that I was doing the most courageous thing they’d ever seen. People were starting to gather around me. Everything was wonderful and not at all as painful as I imagined it would be.
Just as I was starting to feel comfortable and confident, I spotted Rachel beaming her gorgeous smile down at me from the second floor. She always works in the mall on Sundays. I turned the sign around so she could read the side that had been hidden the whole time. It said, “Rachel, I love you, and I’m ready to commit.”
We’re going out soon, so I’ve got to cut this entry short.
Today, I found out what it’s like to truly live.
I ate this morning. One pound of hamburger meat and some green beans. (With no seasonings or salt because I didn’t want it to taste good.) It tasted kind of good anyway because I was so hungry!
I went to the D.M.V. first. I was nervous, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I only made two wrong turns. I avoided an accident when someone pulled out in front of me. There wasn’t much of a line and the lady who helped me get a new license was actually pretty pleasant. Right when I’m counting on her to be otherwise, too! My cheeks were bright red in my new photo, just like the first two times they took my picture. All in all, I wasn’t suffering much so I decided to take a risk. I smiled at her and told her to have a nice day. It was hard, but it felt good, unfortunately.
I went to the doctor next. I got lost plenty of times, but I had such a rush from driving in the city that I couldn’t feel any pain. Finally, I limped my ass in there. At first, they must have thought I had something wrong with my throat, because I couldn’t talk. Eventually, I told them my ankle was pretty messed up, but I didn’t have any money or insurance and I didn’t know what to do. I threw in there that I could barrow the money if I had to. (Swallowing a chunk of pride the size of a horse should be pretty painful.) Long story short, they said they couldn’t just leave me like that. They looked at it, braced it up, told me it would heal and how to treat it, and said they’d send me a bill. The doctor wrote me a prescription for some pain medicine, but I said I could take O.T.C drugs if I couldn’t afford the prescription painkillers . Well, I did the hard the part! I’m not taking any medicine, screw that. I’m doing well with my suffering. I’m keeping the pain.
After these first two ventures, the job hunting was not that hard, unfortunately. I went to a couple of temp agencies that were near the doctors office and another one down the road, and I also applied to that warehouse that I’ve always had my eye on as an option but that has also always scared the shit out of me. What if I’m too stupid to drive a forklift? What if I hurt somebody? What if I ruin a $2,000 piece of equipment?
All in all, I pushed myself pretty hard today. And I didn’t suffer that much. I actually felt excitement. I felt in control, kind of. I guess I didn’t push myself hard enough. Tomorrow, I will. Tomorrow, I will confront as many of my biggest fears as I possibly can. I’ll do something crazy. Something irreversible. Something that will make me shit my pants. I’ll confront all of my biggest fears and insecurities at the same time.
Tomorrow, I will truly know pain.
Journal Entry: June 1, 2009
Holy shit! I did it! I can’t freaking believe it! Today, I confronted all of my biggest fears and insecurities. I wrote the following on a big sign: “I’m afraid, lonely, and insecure. I desperately want to love and be loved and to live life to the fullest, but I’m only making a huge mess of myself, and although it pains me to admit it, I need help.”
It was a little painful to write it, but my real plan for suffering was to take the sign in public and stand by it. To face my fears and expose my insecurities. To be more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Nothing could cause one more suffering than complete vulnerability.
I drove to the mall with the sign, too anxious about what I was about to do to be afraid of my driving in any way. I got there with ease, swallowed hard, and took the sign in. I hobbled my way to the relaxation center in the middle of the mall where everyone walks by, propped the sign up off the floor for all to see, and stood by it with a beat-red face. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. I almost vomited. What’s everyone going to think? Are the security guards going to kick me out? Are people going to insult me? Are there going to laugh at me? Am I going to die?
While I was freaking out, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything around me. When I finally came to and looked my fear in the eyes, I noticed that a lot of people were smiling at me. I awkwardly smiled back. Some people clapped. I was getting an extremely warm reaction! Someone who saw the sign from the second floor yelled out, “You are an inspiration!” and hopped on the escalator. A couple of old woman walked up to me and hugged me. One said that I was doing the most courageous thing they’d ever seen. People were starting to gather around me. Everything was wonderful and not at all as painful as I imagined it would be.
Just as I was starting to feel comfortable and confident, I spotted Rachel beaming her gorgeous smile down at me from the second floor. She always works in the mall on Sundays. I turned the sign around so she could read the side that had been hidden the whole time. It said, “Rachel, I love you, and I’m ready to commit.”
We’re going out soon, so I’ve got to cut this entry short.
Today, I found out what it’s like to truly live.
