[MBTI General] Series #2: The effect of parenting on you.

[gretch]

I am working on a few new theories about parenting styles, people who are x's ( as in like xnfx) etc.

I have quite a lot to say on the subject, but more than that I desire to know the inner workings of family on your lives and quirks.
As much in detail as you can would be most welcome! I'm terribly interested.

As for Me, My mother is and ISTP my father is an ESTP. As for me I am an ENFP and my brother who is close to me is one messed up INFJ. It took me forever to type him because he's so screwed up.
Basically, my dad is a narcissist (but a good heart) who projected his image onto my poor brother who only ever wanted to be good, but was caught up in this sort of moral dilemma. You know I've heard that INFJ's take constant criticism the hardest, because deep down they are so incredibly in tune with other's feelings that they cannot stand to disappoint nor betray a person's feelings. so I think it was hard for my brother to live in such a controlling critical environment where he was basically set up to fail to be like my dad.

It's funnily the same kind of thing for me and my mom. I am her 'hardest' child. Always pushing boundaries and crossing lines. I'm considered the bad kid in my family, even though I've only ever done everything they asked of me. -no sex drugs or rock and roll.... well maybe a little rock and roll. Anyway,b tu my anomally with a strong suit in tactics came from a high amount of practice in the area.... Hmmm I should start another thread. about that.


Please! I am all ears and can't wait to hear about you guys!

 

[tovlo]

my brother who is close to me is one messed up INFJ. It took me forever to type him because he's so screwed up.
Basically, my dad is a narcissist (but a good heart) who projected his image onto my poor brother who only ever wanted to be good, but was caught up in this sort of moral dilemma. You know I've heard that INFJ's take constant criticism the hardest, because deep down they are so incredibly in tune with other's feelings that they cannot stand to disappoint nor betray a person's feelings.

I'm curious your theory on x's.

As an INFx who was in the care of an emotionally abusive stepmother from the time I was 9 until I was 16 (emotionally abusive also by my likely ISTP brother's assessment, so I'm probably not just being overly sensitive), you've suddenly left me wondering if the natural INFJ temperment (what you describe feels right to me, btw) combined with that difficult environment, could be part of what confuses my type expression.

Would you mind elaborating on why you feel that parenting (caregiver) situations might affect type expressions? I'm particularly curious to hear more about in what ways you think a difficult home life left your sensitive and eager not to disappoint brother so messed up. I resonate.

I do think there was some interplay between my temperment (similar to how you describe your brother's, sensitive to other's emotional expression and eager to determine what is expected and meet those expectations), combined with living with a woman who was regularly angry, harshly dissatisfied with my expression, and inconsistent about what was needed from me in order to please her, has left me a little "messed up" too. Wish it wasn't so. Sometimes it seems overwhelming how "wrong" I seem. Ah well, touched an already sensitive nerve tonight.

Curious to hear your thoughts.

 

[Kiddo]

I am an INFJ and the anomaly in my family. My mother is ESFP, my little brother is the same, my grandmother is ESFJ, and my grandfather is ISTP. Surrounded by sensors, it was pretty tough childhood. I can remember always being torn up about something because I was so sensitive and my lack of awareness combined with a tendency to overreact was the prefect excuse for kids to torment me. I became obsessed with understanding why people didn't "care" as much as I did. Eventually I learned to just not show any emotion even when I was dying from the pain and isolation inside.

My mother was very loving but was also very indifferent as a parent. I seldom saw her growing up because she was usually working or sleeping. Even at a young age, the responsibility fell to me to see to the care of my little brothers. When I moved to my grandparents, it became obvious quickly that they were very overprotective and they treated me like a child all the way into my 20's. It was not a good exchange for a kid who had had so much responsibility heaped on his shoulders to take care of the house and get good grades to end up being treated as a "know-nothing kid". Nonetheless, their style of parenting was very permissive as even when I was "grounded" they never enforced it.

It wasn't until my 3rd year of college that I had a complete emotional collapse and was finally able to take responsiblity for my own life.

Anywho, I'm told I was a very outgoing and friendly child, bouncing off the walls with energy, and trying to make friends with everyone when I was very young. I often wonder if the hell that was junior high and my mother and grandparents less than ideal parenting lead me to become so introverted.

 

[gretch]

Tovlo and Kiddo,
Thank you for your responses, they are invaluable. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Well I have a few theories. My husband has been a keirsey enthusiast for about a decade or so, and I was introduced to it by a close family friend when I was about 12 or so. He was an ENTJ and I felt like I would rather sit at his feet and listen to his stories and thoughts and theories more than anything else.

Anyway, my husband originally mistyped me to an ESFP, and I became obsessed with keirsey. The more and more I read it the more I realized that I didn't fit the mold of Artisan, but rather idealist. I had built a pretty thick coating around myself to 'fit in' if you will. But my husbands thought ran along the line of tactics. "You are such a tactician," said he, "there is just no way you could possibly be anything but an artisan." Eventually I got him to understand me -actually it was the less I was out of the severely poisonous (for me) environment that was highly controlling and very critical and with my -super- sane husband that I started to again feel 'safe' to allow myself to be me. He saw me first as an artisan and admired me for it, then as a more 'soulful' artisan, then as an X, then as an Idealist with artisan tendencies. He was actually only ever following my cues, to be honest. That he has been ever supportive and lovely has endeared him to me a lot.
Because it was so important for me to truly be one with my husband and have him understand me completely, I kept with it. One word Keirsey used to help me in my quest was "In normal development" Which got me thinking that the personality typing wasn't very in tune with neurosis, or 'issues', but was highly accurate with people who didn't go through some kind of trauma in childhood.


Anyway, basically in my quest to understand why some are 'X's I have just been using the types as a 'control" that's when i got into Isabel Myers book Gifts differing... she's a little harder to follow.... but anyway she believed that the two center letters (at least from how I got it) were inherent to us and that the two outside letters were developed as we better understood our preferences... In short center letters: Processing, outside letters: preference. She said that how developed the J/P preference was, is a matter of how successful one feels. She said that failure to develop a strong J/P prefereence was a matter of questions over one's life as to how successful they felt at their way of processing. I think she even suggested that P's and J's be given different sorts of task more suited to them.

Also Keirsey said of INFJ's "INFJ's respond to praise and use approval as a means of motivating others just as they themselves are motivated by approval. If they are subject to hostile working conditions or to constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized , and can eventually become physically ill."

Immobile was the word that struck me in that sentence. That word described my brother so perfectly! He was terrified of making a bad decision, rendered immobile by an abstract cage. My father was always disappointed in him, he being highly emotional, and very understanding and caring. He was my parents only son out of 4 kids, and I think that had my father had another son more like him in typing e might have left him alone about it more. I developed strong P tendencies because my father heartily approved. I am his only P, like him and he felt a bond with me. Whereas my poor mother thought I was pure hell on wheels. I am never satisfied with a because answer and always wanted to know the why's of her discipline... she would always sned me to my father who had given me so much practice in the art of tactics and admired my P-ness so much I had him wrapped around my finger.

Anyway. I heard a few days ago that Boys ask their fathers over and over again in their lives one question unknowingly (or knowingly) "Dad, am I a 'man'?" ANd Fathers answer that question a thousand times.

So between our dad and the many SP's at school my brother got on with he always felt inadequate, like why didn't he always get that hot chick? etc etc.... Anyway... I hope that answers questions about theories a bit.... sorry for being long winded.

I love INFJ's! I think it's marvelous that at almost first glance they seem to know what your emotion is and feel it right along side you ( and sometimes *before * you want to get in tune with it) I have vast amounts of faith in them.
Tovlo I can empathize with your feeling of wrongness. NF's are only ever happy when they have become self actualized.
Kiddo, I totally understand how difficult it was for you surrounded by S's who were unsympathetic to your way of processing. What an odd dichotomy. To ends of the freedom spectrum. One being given the parent's responsibility, then moving in with mother hen.
I have a few recommendations for you guys I got it on Netflix instant watching. Jef Gates "dysfunctional families" was really enlightening for me.... actually I will post some stuff about it tomorrow.

 

[cafe]

Interesting. My mother is an ESFP and my grandparents who also helped raise me were ISXJ and ESTP. My ISXJ grandmother was the only real stability in my life. My ESTP grandpa spoiled me, but could not be depended upon. He would disappear without apparent explanation for periods of time. Both were overprotective.

My mom took care of almost all the concrete responsibilities, but she frequently changed partners, moved us a lot and could not hold a job for more than a few months at a time. I tried to be the voice of reason, but it never worked. I was just part of the entourage. I ended up as a kind of pseudo-parent to my younger brother, an ESXJ.

When my grandma died, I ended up being almost a pseudo-parent to my mother, too. It wasn't until a few years ago with the help of therapy that I was able to see clearly the unhealthy role I had taken up and to break loose from it. If I didn't have my own husband and children to think about I'm not sure I would have been able to do it. I was driven to do just about anything so that she would love me and so I would be at least an important member of the entourage.

I come out INFP on almost every MBTI test I take, but I'm pretty sure I'm an INFJ. Nothing was expected of me as a child but that I be pleasant and stay out of trouble and not be disobedient or embarrass anyone. Unless grandma was around to make me do my homework, that is.

I never got the feeling that any of my family disliked me or disapproved of me. My mother seemed to think my tastes were plain, but my grandparents appeared to be delighted with everything about me except my grandmother disapproved of my untidiness and tardiness, etc. Nothing major, just the occasional comment.

 

[arcticangel02]

Actually, upon first reading the types, your family seems similar-ish to mine: I'm an ENFP (and the eldest at 20), my dad is an ESTJ, my mother an ISFP. I have two younger siblings, my sister is an ESFP (18), and my brother (I think) an INFJ (14). We're all still living at home.

We all get on fairly well, thankfully, but there is a thing or two I noticed in your post that echoed (but less extremely) with me.

For example, Dad is one of those impossibly dedicated, responsible, organised, etc, people. He sets high standards for himself, and consequently expects others to live up.

We all get on fairly well, thankfully, but there is a thing or two I noticed in your post that echoed (but less extremely) with me.

For example, Dad is one of those impossibly dedicated, responsible, organised, etc, people. That's just the way he is. He sets high standards for himself, and consequently (naturally) expects others to live up, too.

His sense of humour tends to be on the teasing side - he enjoys remarking upon and teasing us and laughing about, heck, any sort of variation from our ordinary, day-to-day behaviour. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but I've come to be a little afraid of varying my behaviour in front of my parents, for fear of being teased about it.

If I'm wearing make-up, say, when I don't normally, I will be very reluctant to go out into the main part of the house so that anyone can notice and remark. That sort of thing. It's fairly minor (compared to you guys, omg!), but still I notice it affect me: I'm perfectly happy to let anyone know that I'm haha, omigod, totally braindead today, or haha, whoops, I slept in so late today. But when it comes to anything personal, about the me beneath the grins and bubbles, well, I'm find I'm rather skittish about people knowing me, or something I truly feel strongly about. Even around my good friends, who I know love me the way I am and that isn't going to change if I dye my hair blonde, or something. I do notice myself altering my opinion of things to concur with my friends. She likes that? Well, I kinda like it too!

On another hand, I'm totally avoidant about any issue at all that may cause an argument or a lecture. For example, I didn't show my parents my results for one semester at Uni for two or three months after they came out, because I failed a class. (Oh, I don't think they're out yet. Hmm, I haven't had a look in a while. I'll check tomorrow.) Eventually they made me sit down and check them. That was rough. Of course, they realised I felt absolutely abysmal about it (maybe the tears had something to do with it - unlike my sister who just sort of went 'oh well!' - that got them riled up), and so they weren't too harsh, but of course later on he'd make teasing remarks about too much time in my room on the computer and last time I did that I failed a class!

Egh.

Okay, so I've blabbed on too much. I dunno how much of that is just general ENFP insecurities, or to do with having an ESTJ dad, so *shrug*. But I hope it's sort of what you were looking like.

Oh, and Dad's relationship with my brother isn't too bad. He expects a lot of the kid, and my brother does do his best, but it's clear sometimes Dad's exasperated at the fact my brother tends to be absent-minded. But for the most part they do pretty well. I seem to recall having a conversation on roughly this with my brother ages ago... but I remember that he understood how I felt with the being reluctant to be completely myself, or a bit different. He can be annoying and too clingy, but we do understand each other, when it comes down to it. Maybe the whole N's as a minority in the family of S's.

Seriously. Stopping now.

 

[alcea rosea]

All gone.

 

[Randomnity]

I'm pretty close to being IXTP, and I think it might be because my parents and siblings are all strongly Ns.

But I'm not sure if I had S tendencies and acquired N traits by growing up with N's, or if having N parents made me more S because I felt like someone in the house had to have some common sense. I suspect the latter, but who knows really.

I also think that my procrastination/disorganization/negative P qualities are largely a result of my upbringing, which was very much hands-off, letting me do whatever I felt like, pretty much. Although I was (and am) very strong-willed about having that freedom, so I'm sure that was a factor as well.

 

[cascadeco]

I've always known I was INxx.

I can say NOW that I feel like I'm definitively an INFx, but it has taken a LONG time for me to uncover that -- in retrospect a lot of my childhood/values/perspectives/behaviors towards others were NF. But I was an extremely repressed NF who was scared of nearly everyone around me and didn't know how to interact with people. I'm an NF who was completely emotionally repressed growing up, had no 'safe' outlet for expressing myself (in the sense that I perceived being ME wasn't fully accepted - not in the sense that there was abuse or whatever -- because as a child, I didn't think there was anything 'wrong' about my family -- we did a LOT of wonderful things together, and in many ways it was great), and only in the past 5 yrs or so have I really been 'unfolding'. The emotional side was foreign to me, because I had no emotional connection with my parents growing up, didn't learn much socialization from them, and had to basically self-teach myself everything, in terms of social and conversation skills, because our family didn't really have in-depth conversations at all.

However, my parents WERE very supportive in letting me follow any activities I wanted to pursue (although in the case of the piano, they forced me to keep playing even when I wanted to quit, because I was good at it and they didn't want me to quit - so my personal desires were ignored there, and I was very resentful of that). As an adult I'm left with the feeling that my parents appreciate my *accomplishments/abilities*, but not who I AM - or rather, they equate my identity with what I DO. A few years ago you have no idea how unsettling it was when I was going through a self-exploration/job-type book, and the book asked to ask family members and friends what my strengths were. My Mom mentioned a few, bless her heart, but my Dad could only blurt out: 'Well, you're not using your strengths in your current job!!!', and huffed out of the room. I truly believe this is why my personal identity and personality traits are more of a source of confusion for me than they 'should' be - my personality was never really affirmed growing up...but what I DID was. Again, it's all my perceptions, though, and it impacted me more adversely simply because I'm pretty sensitive to begin with. And, it's not that I'm really caught up in my past, because I'm not...just stuff I've mused over over the years - but my relationship with my parents is very good today -- well, as good as it can be, given our differences.

I think for a while though, going into college and right after, I believed I was an NT, just because I was good at school and intellectual stuff, and my Dad encouraged me to follow more of your science/math career when I didn't know what I wanted to do.

My mom is almost certainly an ISTJ (either that or a really messed up, repressed, and tactless ISFJ), and my Dad is an IxTJ - I rather think INTJ because he seems much more big-picture than my mom.

I've never connected on a deep level with my father - everything stays at the surface, and I don't really know how to 'talk' to him. The few times I've dared to express my opinion about something or attempted to get his feedback on more interpersonal stuff, regarding 'who I am', he has gotten uncomfortable (talking about me as a person) or patronizing/'I'm more wise than you' (when talking about intellectual stuff) and that is reflected in his demeanor of impatience/frustration. So, I rarely bother anymore, and just keep things at the surface. And things are dandy if I do that!

My mom can grate on me, and in general I have felt she's always judging/critiquing/***questioning*** my motivations for things. Not always, as I know she means well and she's just being herself, and I know she loves me. So I don't have any angst against her or anything, and in recent years we have had more of a connection, although I can't open up to her about my true feelings/opinions because she's not receptive to me in a 'listening'/supportive way - she immediately goes judgy and questions, and misses the 'point' (or MY point) of trying to just connect on a human level. So it's best to just keep things on the surface with her too, as it's usually not 'safe' for me to really open up, because I just get critiqued or questioned.

 

[cascadeco]

Anywho, I'm told I was a very outgoing and friendly child, bouncing off the walls with energy, and trying to make friends with everyone when I was very young. I often wonder if the hell that was junior high and my mother and grandparents less than ideal parenting lead me to become so introverted.

My mom tells me as a toddler I'd worry her because I'd go up to strangers, and was really curious and friendly.

Like you, junior high marked the beginning of my retreating fully inward. That's where the fear of people set in, because I didn't understand why all the kids around me were so 'mean' and 'petty'.

 

[gretch]

ARGH! I wish I had time to respond. As it is I'm on my way to readying myself for an appointment. I'm so excited about the amount of feedback I've recieved. I wish I could talk to you all. It's so nice to find typing enthusiasts.

 

[nightning]

Not sure where I should put my thoughts because series 1 & 2 seems to tie together too well in my mind. So I'll just put everything down here. I am an INFj with Pish tendencies. I've only started learning about types and temperaments a few years ago. I suppose taking the indicator while I was still in highschool might be more reflective of my true type? (maybe... maybe not ) Anyways, I'm pretty sure the way I was raised affected my personality... and that could have potentially blurred the j/p distinction.

... anyway she believed that the two center letters (at least from how I got it) were inherent to us and that the two outside letters were developed as we better understood our preferences... In short center letters: Processing, outside letters: preference. She said that how developed the J/P preference was, is a matter of how successful one feels. She said that failure to develop a strong J/P prefereence was a matter of questions over one's life as to how successful they felt at their way of processing. I think she even suggested that P's and J's be given different sorts of task more suited to them.

I learnt something new today. Thank you! Hmmm the inside/outside letters business slightly puzzles me. It certainly applies in my case, but how does it relate to dominant,auxiliary,tertiary development? Isn't dominant suppose to be developed first? And the position of that letter depends on type...

My mother was very loving but was also very indifferent as a parent. I seldom saw her growing up because she was usually working or sleeping. Even at a young age, the responsibility fell to me to see to the care of my little brothers. When I moved to my grandparents, it became obvious quickly that they were very overprotective and they treated me like a child all the way into my 20's. It was not a good exchange for a kid who had had so much responsibility heaped on his shoulders to take care of the house and get good grades to end up being treated as a "know-nothing kid". Nonetheless, their style of parenting was very permissive as even when I was "grounded" they never enforced it.

It wasn't until my 3rd year of college that I had a complete emotional collapse and was finally able to take responsiblity for my own life.

Anywho, I'm told I was a very outgoing and friendly child, bouncing off the walls with energy, and trying to make friends with everyone when I was very young. I often wonder if the hell that was junior high and my mother and grandparents less than ideal parenting lead me to become so introverted.

I relate very well to that experience. I think I'm the only N in the family. My dad's an ISTJ, mom an IsFJ (I could be wrong... it's difficult to tell), and my younger brother an ESFJ. Where should I start? Well I think it's best to divide my childhood as "early" and "late". I was/been told I was a completely different type of kid when I was very young.

Way back in my early childhood... before immigrating to Canada yada I lived the life of an only child. (My brother and I are 7 years apart you see.) I've been told I was a happy and naturally curious kid. Definitely an NF because I liked daydreaming a lot... and I'm very protective of my friends. I recall I once stood up against a guy in 6th grade or something when I was in 3rd grade. And I was pretty small. That was silly of me lol. I was a lot more outgoing though in my mind.

Then there's the moving business... moving wasn't so bad. Things are very nice here, I wouldn't want to go back. But I see my dad infrequently because he works overseas. There's also the birth of my brother... I guess growing up as an only child I wasn't used to getting so much less attention. So life became a little bit of a competition for attention. It could be where my P tendencies arisen from. Attention seeking antics. I'm also did well academically in elementary and highschool. Doing well in school became another way of making my parents proud of me. I think it led to inward withdrawal in fear of messing up. Ironically (or not so ironically in retrospection), THAT messed me up.

Like you kiddo, I had a lot of responsibilities placed upon my shoulders... I get stuck with most of the chores around the house... and the job of fixing things when stuff goes wrong. At the same time, my mom (her being an ISFJ might have something to do with it) is extremely protective of me. In some ways I'm still treated as a kid. But I'm a classic head in the clouds person.

My mom tells me as a toddler I'd worry her because I'd go up to strangers, and was really curious and friendly.

Like you, junior high marked the beginning of my retreating fully inward. That's where the fear of people set in, because I didn't understand why all the kids around me were so 'mean' and 'petty'.

*nods* It's like you sense that people around you are so completely different that you couldn't imagine being involved with them. And since there's nobody else around, you find your escape inside your mind.

I wonder how much effect the environment has on introversion. NFs are especially sensitive toward people interactions. So would an introvert be as introverted if they grew up in a calm and supportive setting? What about those forced Es and closet Is?

 

[Littlelostnf]

I am working on a few new theories about parenting styles, people who are x's ( as in like xnfx) etc.

I have quite a lot to say on the subject, but more than that I desire to know the inner workings of family on your lives and quirks.
As much in detail as you can would be most welcome! I'm terribly interested.

Well my dad is an ISTP (close on the T/F border but def more a T) my mom is an ISFJ. I am an ENFJ and I have to say my parents must be pretty balanced people. I never felt misunderstood or restrained. I think my parents were pretty amazing dealing with me as a child because I was very emotional and full of energy. I have two older sisters (both I's - ISFP and INFP) so you can imagine a little ENFJ coming along..but they handled me well. It wasn't until I got much older that I realized that my mom didn't really understand me but the HUGE amounts of love that she gives me more than makes up for it. My dad and mom both are very very proud and are and always were very nurturing of my intense curiousity and love of learning. (my dad especially he is very encouraging of academic endeavors)
I just recently realized how amazing they were as I have an ENFP friend who said she loves being around my family because they truly do prize intellect, whereas her family while intelligent don't truly value it or encourage it like she wishes they would have when she was younger.

Wow I've gone on and on..hope this is helpful.

btw...I def was the child who pushed boundaries and crossed lines and of course I was a really good kid (no sex, drugs or rock and roll for me either...well maybe rock and roll) but def dif from the others. My brother (youngest is an ESFJ) and while people think we are alike my parents could tell you it's really not so beyond our both being people people.

 

[GZA]

Anywho, I'm told I was a very outgoing and friendly child, bouncing off the walls with energy, and trying to make friends with everyone when I was very young. I often wonder if the hell that was junior high and my mother and grandparents less than ideal parenting lead me to become so introverted.

I think that its possible that that would cause more introvertedness, but it doesn't seem likely neccesarily. I was the same way, my mom remembers me being very outgoing, talking to everyone all the time, untill I was about 10 or 11 and I stopped talking to people and became more quiet, and she finds this odd, but not bad (shes ISFJ). The difference between us, though, is that I did not endure a huge amount of bullying and emotional pain. I was bullied, because being so sensitive, I was an easy target (I'd react to it), and to this day there are some people who take it upon themselves to be assholes and try to annoy me, although at this point it isn't emotional pain and it isn't bullying, its just people remembering me when I was younger and trying to get that again.

So... I definitely think that emotional abuse could add to introvertedness (especially because it effects confidence so much), but it doesn't seem like soemthing that would make a really huge difference... it couldn't, by itself, turn a strong E into a strong I or anything.

So about my own experiences with parents... well... I'm still going through that because I'm only 16, but I still can talk about my previous years, and right now.

As I mentioned, supposedly as a small child I was very very outgoing, although I remember that not being entirely true. I had the classic INFP thing going on as a toddler -my friends were my stuffed animals and they all had personalities (which I find fascinating to analyse now, by the way, because they fit roles of my bold and adventurous side, my worrying, hesitent side, and how I saw myself, which was pretty much as quiet and a little sad soemtimes and very "calm waters run deep", even if I was like 4). I was sometimes E I suppose because I was a pretty good leader, I remember everyone kind of somewhat looking up to me and following my imagination when playing games in primary school. I guess thats where my parents got that idea.

By the way, my dad is ESTJ, and my mom is ISFJ. I'm not entirely sure, but those seem to fit very well.

My mom, despite being introverted, would, and still does, encourage socialization in groups and birthday parties because "its normal" (her exact words -funny now how "SJ" that is), which was something I didn't always enjoy. Sometimes it could be hell going to big gatherings as a little introverted kid... you'd run away and be terrified by the people everywhere, and then they would insist on forcing you back in and surrounding you and trying to reassure you how much everyone likes you and to stay put. That was terrifying, being surrounded by people and having them tell you how much they like you even though they really havn't talked to you... its like fraud!
But... my mom is great despite that, for the most part. See, I'm the youngest child, and my siblings have gone to university, so she seems very clingy to me. She oftne treats me like I'm still 12 years old, and my dad does to some extent, too, and so do my neighbors (because of the 10 or so kids in the neighborhood who are in this close group of four families on my street, I'm the youngest and therefor my innocence must be protected from the big bad world, while the guy just a year older can deal cocaine! Ha!). I don't like being overprotected like this, but I kind of understand that its natural for people, especially an ISFJ it seems, to do this with their youngest kid. I sometimes worry about her, because when I move out she will likely be a total wreck. She also pays to much attention to media sometimes, and says she is overweight and seems sad about it. She has gained weight since she was young, but to a healthy extent, and she should not feel bad about it one bit. Shes the kind of person who would suffer hardcore from a yo-yo diet type thing... but luckily she hasn't tried that yet. I also worry she works too much sometimes...

I've felt close to my dad on and off throughout my life. Sometimes, he was fantastic, he would take me to Toronto by train and we'd have a great day there, or we'd play cards or whatever. He tried to teach me golf, he tried very hard, its his passion, but I didn't bite, which has been a source of distance between us soemtimes, because he'll insist I golf and I never want to. I also have memories of around when I was 10 or 11 of trying to talk with him and be his friend and tell him how much I loved him and feeling very ignored because he'd be watching TV or something. He'd give me attention, then stop listning partway through my question and be focused on the TV. Worse, I remember on a couple of occasions he actually fell asleep right when I was asking a question. That is trememdously heartbreaking... almost brought a tear to my eye again Nowadays we mostly connect over similar tastes in music, but its becoming more apparent to me that we have very different personalities, and these somtimes conflict. For example, he'll insist I do whatever I can to make money, but I believe that money isn't really worth it and I should only try to make money doing soemthing I value. He also has a very very different view on work (that it MUST be done NOW, while I prefer to work hard on things that are important to me and drift through things that are not important to me). This is a source of conflict because he gets very very upset if I don't do some of my work and it really hurts me We also differ on how we try to give appreciation. He'll try to buy me things sometimes, especially when we are on vacation, material goods, to let me know I'm "a good man", but I'm not interested in material goods because they don't bring much to your life. But overall, my dad is great, even if overtime as I've got to notice his personality traits more, I've noticed we are very much different in how we think and this sometimes causes problems.

By the way, I've found that school and peers have causedmore pressure on the NF aspect of my personality than my parents. My major-legue impracticality is not welcome, and my use of feeling is definitely not welcome in most cases, such as in Law class recently when we were suppose to pick fictional people to be on a jury based on how well their likely biases would suit our case. This is very much a rational, logical exercise, but I refused to do it because I felt it undermined the ideals of truth and the pursuit of justice Plus, having to do math all my life... :steam: :steam: I hate math, and its caused problems for me my whole life. I'm glad I'll be done soon!

 

[quietmusician]

Well, my story is way too long to tell, so I'll keep it simple. I just found out recently that my mom is an ISTJ (I haven't typed anyone else in the family). So this had me thinking about how she was back when I was younger. She's so open minded so that is definitely a good quality of hers. And she pretty much let me do whatever because she knew that I was an oddly level headed child. I never really had curfews that were super strict. I was spoiled (and still am) as hell. The only thing I would say that wasn't so fun back then was the fact that my family kept me away from doing anything that was seemingly dangerous. I guess I should mention that I was raised by all women (my mom, grandmother, and aunts) and being a guy it was difficult.

I couldn't go out a play paintball, buy a motorbike, get a bb gun, and other male related things. And I didn't really push the issue because I didn't want to seem needy. Anyway, on a good note, that probably adds to my understanding of women in general. So overall I would say that I was only kept on a somewhat tight leash, but not overly so. I think if my dad had been around (he was an alcoholic and left the picture) I would have turned to darker habits. I already feel like an unhealthy INFP (if I can call myself one), but having him around would have pushed me over the edge.

 

[tibby]

my dad is ESTJ and my sister ISFJ, I'm not sure about my mother, she tested as an ENFJ, but knowing another ENFJ has really made me doubt my mum's type. She has many ENFJish qualities, but then some things don't fit her at all, but I bet it has to do with her brain tumor she has in her frontal lobe ("the personality lobe"), that has apparently been growing in her head for the last 10 years and got to a size of an orange, so.

As younger, I was always "daddy's girl". Me and my mum didn't get along well, she was the strict autocrat who didn't showany "motherly" or "warm" emotions, or if she did, it was very irregular and always came as a surprise. She had a very thick skin, so I never "bonded" with her. She certainly wasn't the kind of mum you'd go after you've hurt your self to ask for comfort. This obviously affected me and our relation. I don't know if it has been even heightened by my personality (INFJ), if that has made me more "vulnarelable". She has said very recently that as a baby, as a little kid, I was very "in-tune" with other person's emotions, and I couldn't have been fooled by saying something and meaning something else. She was always very critical of me (my appearance, my weight, especially), and she let me know it. I was always normal weight / slim but she wanted me to be skinny.

My dad, although we were much "closer" (and viceversa; my mum and sister were the same way), I never had a "deep" relationship with him either. I now know it's mostly due to our differences, we both have been trying real hard to understand each other, but it's hard, when I really have nothing common with him. He calls me a "dramaqueen" and I call him "insensitive".

Maybe because of the lack of physical and emotional warmth I created a very thick skin for myself from a very young age on. I was hiding my true emotionality and replaced it with cynicism and "I don't care about others"-thing. I had adopted a very cold and sceptical attitude, which was killing me on the inside. Nothing could've been worse than showing your weakness and weakness meant = showing emotion. So for me it meant like denying myself completely.

Only have I been able to "be" myself in course of the past year, really. Stress had been piling up on me and I never once paid another look to it, but it caused me to get very ill in the end, which took a year to get better from. I sort of had that "facing" of everything; I no longer could kept on going the way I had been. One of the greatest things happened to me was when I heard of MBTI and took the test. Before I acknowledged I was an INFJ, I felt so incredably lost, alone and wrong. I lived a very narrow social life for a very long time, so I never met any other like me (I doubt I had even come across with an NF). Most people I knew I had a very superficial relationship with (which I resented, cause I hate superficiality, but you couldn't really get deeper with them either, cause they weren't deep like I was, but I guess most of them were S's)

The journey I've had has been very liberating. I recognize my strengths and accept my weaknesses, and it makes me feel so much better just knowing there's nothing really "wrong" with the way I am - and that I can actually offer something to others.

 

[nolla]

I have quite a lot to say on the subject, but more than that I desire to know the inner workings of family on your lives and quirks.
As much in detail as you can would be most welcome! I'm terribly interested.

I am not quite sure what is it exactly that you want (I can't read further into the topic now, or it will influence my answer) but my family life from my perspective was quite like this: There was the happy time. Then the parents broke up surprisingly and I got to be the "third parent" because I was the oldest of us (12 or something). I spent all my teenage years trapped in this situation, I was only trying to avoid things that would add to my parents stress.. It was a very unselfish time for me, but not in a good way. After years of this coping with their moods I had no friends anymore, I had basically turned into an unhealthy INTP who doesn't even realize he's not happy. I had efficiently killed my emotions by then. I never saw dreams and I stopped painting and drawing for all those years.

About their parenting style. That is quite simple really. My ISTJ dad did the money things. We had clothes and food and so on. My INFJ mom was the parent. Without her I bet I would still be a mess. But, she flipped a few years later because of the stress, so we lived with dad after that. When she got better, she has been even more supporting and just doing her things, and basically being some sort of role model for me, while dad is just at work or playing golf or silently angry. So... Yeah.

Then, if you want to know about my brothers. There's the ISxJ brother who is a few years younger, and then the ESxP, who is seven years younger. I think the thing in common with me and ISxJ is that we both know what physical punishment means and this is why me and him have this passive-aggressive attitude towards dad, while ESxP never had to learn that, so he can express his anger a little bit more directly. Of course this might have to do with E vs I. I think the ISxJ of us is the most like dad, and he even has had some violent outbursts that could have ruined his career. And he likes to work, a lot, so it might have been devastating... The ESxP brother is more like me in the way that we can talk to each other with no defenses. I'd say he is the one who had most of freedom when growing up.

The way that the parenting style affected me... I think it made me shrink at first but when I got up, I was better than I would be without the bad times. And this isn't really even about parenting style, because it was not something that can be called parenting since after the breakup they were both living for themselves so much more that it was a huge drop from how it had been.

The way things are now, I sometimes visit them, but often think that dad doesn't really even want to see me, since we never speak much, and if we do, it is only things that interest him. When I talk about my stuff, he usually seems to dissolve into the background. I like to go see mom, though. She's nice. It might be ironic that she is the one who "wasn't there" after the breakup and her breakdown, but she still was there more than dad.

Ok, hope this was what you asked for...

Now, off to read the other replies, then...

 

[r0wo1]

Wow, reading some of the other responses shows that I was blessed growing up. Its interesting that you ask this question because I had been thinking about this myself or the past couple weeks or so.

I grew up in a very introverted family, my Mom tested as an ISFJ and my Dad as an INTP. I test INFP (which I'm pretty confident of... sometimes ), my sister is in all likelyhood an INTJ, and my oldes brother seems to be the only one to break the I mold and tests at an ESFP, (the other two siblings are too young to be accurately tested.)

Because both of my parents are fairly introverted it seems pretty natural that us kids would be as well. We were never discouraged from socializing or going out (indeed I was occasionally begged by my parents to go out on a friday night) but most of our time was spent with just our family, (ie, vacations, free time, etc).

My Mom was great, I'm definetely closest to her, although sometimes she has a harder time understanding me, probably because she is a strong sensor, in spite of that, she never tried to suppress my "oddities" as a child, (IE, exquisite imagination which lead to several imaginary friends, running around in the backyard for hours with a stick fighting monsters etc), but rather encouraged them. I think this must have helped my N to develop, and I've retained most of that imagination to today.

My Dad also was very supportive, but had a harder time due probably to his T function, he just couldnt quite understand my emotions most of the time. Although interestingly enough, now that I think about it, he was the one that would occasionally hint at the fact that maybe I should "pull my head out of the clouds" although he never pushed the issue.

Something both my parents are very bad about is stressing problems. It seems that my parents spent most of my childhood stressing, and I saw the negative effects of it. Not so much projected towards the family, but more towards themselves. And in turn my sister also tends to stress things (especially college) to the extreme, and my brother as well (they just moved to a new state and he's have a difficult time fitting into the new school, he's a sophmore in high school). I seem to be the only one that keeps my head for the most part in a stressful situation.

In my case, I think I'm introverted simply because I was raised introverted. My Mom being an incredibly strong feeler could have passed this on to me.

Goodness now that I've written this I dunno if it is helpful at all... I hope so!

 

[nolla]

Ok, now that I read, I think the way it goes is that the type is set in the childhood or by genes or whatever, but the environment can be such that it distorts the type. If I had been as receptive as an F when my surroundings were very negative emotionally, I don't think I could have handled it. So, my INTP period was needed. It made me hurt less and it made me react less. If it had been any other way, the situation would have been totally different. The funny thing is that even though I was a living dead at the time, I would always crack jokes at the dinner table to keep the family entertained. It was like I wasn't allowed to express any negative feelings, but only try to create positive feeling in others. Actually, even these days, my step-mother often would like me to spend more time there because of this "positivity" but she doesn't see that I can't be around them because it still makes me feel ill. It seems like nothing has changed in the past ten years. Besides, my superficial positivity was never meant to be for them, it was for my brothers. Keep their spirits up.