Self Preservational Doms

[Kasper]

This thread on close friendships and how long people have had them got me questioning, I lose contact with just about everyone in my life, I rarely expect a friendship will last for longer than me and the other person are conveniently socialising together. So I wanna know what other sp doms friendship history is like?

What's your stacking, and how many close friendships do you have?

I'm curious about things like how long the friendships have lasted, what efforts you put in to maintain them, how often friends drop off because you don't put in effort, how close you allow them to get to you and how well you think they know you.

 

[Elfboy]

I'm sp/sx and have 1 close friend and several acquaintences

 

[/DG/]

Sp/so and 0 close friends, but I do have the "people I talk to." We're not close at all, just casual friends.

Though I have had friends that have lasted for several years, but when we lose touch, I make no effort to find them. I used to have different friends every year, but know I'm finding it harder and harder to make friends.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

sp/sx. I'd guess that'd be more an ENP thing than an sp thing, Sir Kasperpants. Or maybe some mix thereof. But that's just my guess.

I have 3 friends I consider close, primarily because I'll tell them anything and feel like they usually understand me reasonably well. I've been friends with all three of them for about ten years. I knew all three for at least a year before feeling close to them. While I interact with all three regularly via email, livejournal and/or PMs (I'm hard of hearing, so I don't like talking on the phone)- one of them I haven't seen in four years, another one I only see about once a year and the third I see about once a month. But somehow the time doesn't have any major effect.

There are a few people with whom not talking/interacting for several months at a time has taken a toll, and I don't consider myself close to them anymore because we don't understand each other anywhere near as well as we once did. I still keep in contact with them, though. I like hearing about stuff going on in their lives, probably because of nostalgia for the connection we once had, but I just don't connect as well with them anymore.

In short: once I feel close to someone, I like to keep them around- and even if we aren't particularly close anymore I generally don't like to lose touch altogether. Except for sig. others- that's an exception.

 

[strychnine]

I also lose contact, and don't attempt to initiate new contact. I get bored easily and move on, leaving people thinking I'm ignoring them/ don't like them.

sp/so. I have no real close friendships, a few acquaintances that are basically people I make small talk to. The longest one has lasted almost 3 years. But it's not really a friendship. I don't try to maintain things at all, it's up to the other person, and I usually find their contact/ desire to 'hang out' with me kind of restricting. They don't know me at all. They think they do. (Ugh.) We pretty much only talk at all because we attend the same university and take many of the same courses. When we graduate/ go our separate ways, I don't intend to maintain contact.

 

[Snuggletron]

sp / sx(?)

Have two close friends, although one is my lover I still include her. They both know me pretty well as I've laid everything out on the table for them over years.

Usually people don't make it to BFF status because it's rare to have a person fit the criteria so well. Kind of like running people through a fine sand sifter. If I don't see them connecting so well or I have no room for them they don't hear from me very often. Even immediate family members. It's hard for me to keep in contact with people that aren't the right fit. If I do see these people I'm still happy to see them though. I talk to my Dad about 3-6 times a year now and see him maybe once every 2-3 years but I'm alright if I don't think about it much. I feel guilty when I do, though. Cause I think that I've neglected distanced people I shouldn't to save energy, and what will I do when they are gone...?

 

[Glycerine]

I will bond for a bit, not talk for a few months, think of them, and decide whether or not I really want to talk to them. I am kind of like an "out of sight, out of mind" person. I have ONE close friend, that's it. Even then, I don't feel all that close to her because I don't really tell her my problems.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I'm sp/sx.

I have a decent amount of longtime friends - at least 5. As for close friends though, outside of my family & boyfriend, I'd say I have maybe 2-3 friends I'd call close, max, and they aren't even what I would have called close many years ago (my standards used to be higher....but childhood best friends are on another level, IMO).

Most of my longtime friendships have lasted so long because the other person makes effort to keep in touch. I admit that I am bad about that.... I think about people sometimes (but can also be very "out of sight, out of mind"), but I am not good about calling or making plans to do stuff. I'm not one to call someone just to talk, and since I tend to be spontaneous, I often find myself just doing stuff on my own. I'm a bit of a lone wolf by nature. I have improved in recent years, but I have a ways to go.

The other reasons I stay in contact is these individuals' families are friends with my family or they exist in some other sphere I generally am involved with (ie. church), so I see them frequently enough with having to initiate much contact myself.

I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length, but if I begin to feel safe, then I am open to letting them get close & I do have a desire for that. Most people don't really want to be that close though, or again, maybe my idea of close is much more intense (probably the sx side of me). I imagine a close friend is someone you can tell just about anything to, who is unwaveringly loyal, who gets you at your core, etc, and I can't say I feel that way about most people. Because of that, I don't feel most of my current friends know me very deeply, but they have gotten past the surface INFP mask (which is a sort of neutral, mildly pleasant, but still aloof demeanor). There are a few who I'd say know me well though, in the sense that I feel the generally understand me & I feel I can trust them with a lot.

 

[Kasper]

Sp/so and 0 close friends, but I do have the "people I talk to." We're not close at all, just casual friends.

Though I have had friends that have lasted for several years, but when we lose touch, I make no effort to find them. I used to have different friends every year, but know I'm finding it harder and harder to make friends.

Do you find that some people consider you a friend and you don't know where to go from there so it dwindles off?

sp / sx(?)

Have two close friends, although one is my lover I still include her. They both know me pretty well as I've laid everything out on the table for them over years.

So what is your criteria to lay everything out for someone so they could get to the point of close friend?

I will bond for a bit, not talk for a few months, think of them, and decide whether or not I really want to talk to them. I am kind of like an "out of sight, out of mind" person. I have ONE close friend, that's it. Even then, I don't feel all that close to her because I don't really tell her my problems.

See now if there was a type out there I would stereotype as serious friend gathers it would be ExFJs! What stops that connection to people that would class them as close friends and what holds you back from telling her your problems? I understand the sp/so stuff I'm just curious about your experiences.

sp/sx. I'd guess that'd be more an ENP thing than an sp thing, Sir Kasperpants. Or maybe some mix thereof. But that's just my guess.

In short: once I feel close to someone, I like to keep them around- and even if we aren't particularly close anymore I generally don't like to lose touch altogether. Except for sig. others- that's an exception.

Maybe it's something that can be linked to sp/so/sx types as opposed to sp/sx/so types? Looking at the responses so far sx last vs sx second is a dividing factor.

I agree that the losing contact with people does tend to be a somewhat common (although not strict) ENP theme. This is more than that.

Seems to me those who have responded as sp/sx are saying that you may keep people at a distance as a general rule but there are those who make it past your guards and when they do they will be kept in your life, OrangeAppled's response spells it out quite clearly and is how I envision sp/sx's in general, while those who are sp/so are more likely to keep the guard up, I see strychnine's post as representative of that. As they are both IxFP types the difference seems quite distinct.

It's not so much that I have a guard, I have a desire to be independent more than anything, I'll be open with anyone and everyone who doesn't show malicious intent but revealing something personal to them holds little significance to me in terms of feeling a bond with them. But I think the biggest thing is I don't know what to do after someone decides we are friends and I like them good enough to be down with that.

PS I could read your posts all day, and it's not just cause you called me Sir Kasperpants!!

 

[Speed Gavroche]

Hum, Self-pres last and very few close friend as well. But is'nt it a rule that "true close friends" are few by nature?

 

[wolfy]

I'm sp/sx. I tend to lose touch with people. Some seem to come in and out of my life in a way though. I'm happy to start where we left off. For me part of it is moving around a lot and I don't tend to keep touch. People in my immediate environment get the bulk of my attention. Basically that is the core of it, I tend to pay attention to whatever is in my environment.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Maybe it's something that can be linked to sp/so/sx types as opposed to sp/sx/so types? Looking at the responses so far sx last vs sx second is a dividing factor.

Ha-ha. I was thinking the same thing reading through the other responses. Once again I'm surprised at the influence instinct variant has, but so far it's pretty consistent. Except Wolfy.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

sp/so, borderline so/sp

I've kind of felt that lasting friendships are few and far between in my lifetime. I've had relationships where I've gotten really close to someone, and then one of us moves away, and we initially keep in touch with each other, but then we lose touch of each other. I hate to be imposing upon others, and keep my distance unless someone gives me the green light that they like me. Most of my closest friends are those that I've met online, which is ironic since they are distant from me like my real life friends are. I like personal interaction and to feel connected with others, but I honestly suck at keeping in touch. I end up tending to my own personal needs like job, health, education, family, and by the time I am done at the end of the day, I just want to stay inside like a homebody. I think another part of the issue is that I kind of feel a little out of place with others, and I get self-conscious that they won't like me unless if I was just like they are, so I keep to myself as a result. The close friends I do have, I cherish them. I just suck at captivating people because I'm too damn quiet, and perhaps seeming quiet is a bit boring. LOL

 

[wolfy]

Seems to me those who have responded as sp/sx are saying that you may keep people at a distance as a general rule but there are those who make it past your guards and when they do they will be kept in your life, OrangeAppled's response spells it out quite clearly and is how I envision sp/sx's in general, while those who are sp/so are more likely to keep the guard up, I see strychnine's post as representative of that. As they are both IxFP types the difference seems quite distinct.

It's not so much that I have a guard, I have a desire to be independent more than anything, I'll be open with anyone and everyone who doesn't show malicious intent but revealing something personal to them holds little significance to me in terms of feeling a bond with them. But I think the biggest thing is I don't know what to do after someone decides we are friends and I like them good enough to be down with that.

PS I could read your posts all day, and it's not just cause you called me Sir Kasperpants!!

It's hard to understand how I am working that. I think I need someone close in environments I am in. I have always had a close friend through life, but one has been replaced by another as situations change. And my wife has filled that spot for a couple of decades now.

Then there are close friends in different environments, like work. I'll tend to try and find and build a strong relationship with one or a couple of people at work.

I don't know if I have much of a guard. I suppose I do, but how much of a guard is the thing. It is pretty stupid to run around trusting anyone.

I'm not bloody calling anyone Sir. You're fresh out of luck there, Mr.

 

[cascadeco]

Hmm.....

I'm going to copy down my answer from that other thread and elaborate, as I think my answer was deceiving in some ways. Because it appears in the other thread I may have overlooked/skipped over the 'kept in close contact' with piece (lol), because in my mind I'm close to them and I AM maintaining the relationship - just in my own way, lol, and they also tend to be people who are probably similar to me so none of us are bothered by lack of regular contact (or rather... they are like me in lameness of keeping in contact , or else don't mind this aspect of me)

xNTJ - of 15 years We were close the first 4 years, as we met in college. The following 9 years, we met up twice (living in different states the whole time), and talked on the phone maybe twice. The past 2 years we've once again been in the same state, so I have seen her maybe once a month, and gone on several little weekend trips with her and her husband, or with their friends.
INxP - of 11 years We were close for a few months, then parted ways as jobs ended and we lived in different states. Have kept in touch sporadically via email over the years, and talked on the phone at least once a year, sometimes twice a year. He's incredibly important to me, though, and I consider him a 'consistent' force in my life, even though he's abysmal at keeping in touch and I'm not great either
ENTJ - of 11 years Were close, via living together, or getting together maybe once a month, for about 6 years. Then she moved to another state. Have kept in touch via phone maybe 4 times a year, and seen each other once (or twice?) since
INFJ - of 9 years Met up every month or two the first 7 years. Then I moved, and since then we've seen each other once and talked on the phone maybe twice a year. **This is one that I think is going to fade; she's much more high maintenance I think in terms of wanting more regular contact, and it's just not something that naturally comes to me
INFJ - of 8 years Met up maybe every other month for the first few years, then a little more often depending on how busy we were, then at year 6 she moved to another state. Kept in touch via email for a year, and now we're in the same state again and meet up about once a month
INFJ (lolz.... see a pattern? haha) - 3 years Primarily email, as I met her on this site, but while I was still living in the same state as she, we got together several times. Now it's back to email again, but I do consider her a good, trusted friend, and someone who knows a lot about me.


Basically -- My close friends are ones who when we're in the same vicinity, I see once or twice a month. I would probably see them more often, it's just that post-college people tend to lead busy lives, so it can be hard for schedules to allign - esp. given the fact that my friends tend to be pretty busy people. So because of that it just ends up being maybe once a month on average. Most of my time is spent with my significant other, if I'm seeing someone, or else on my own. But usually I only have one or two friends that fit the 'same location' piece at any given time. The others I 'hold onto' if I know they're people I want in my life in the long haul, I'm just not one to regularly call or check in. It's pretty sporadic.

 

[prplchknz]

my friends are the type of people that I don't talk to for 5 years than go "hey, what's up" and we go hang out and sometimes we start hanging out again and are friends, sometimes we've just grown too far apart and while it was enjoyable we just don't have anything in common any more.

 

[/DG/]

Do you find that some people consider you a friend and you don't know where to go from there so it dwindles off?

Not really sure what you mean by this. Care to clarify?

Though I usually don't realize when people like me and want to be friends to be. They need to initiate most things otherwise I'll probably never speak to them.

Hum, Self-pres last and very few close friend as well. But is'nt it a rule that "true close friends" are few by nature?

Very valid point here.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

It's not so much that I have a guard, I have a desire to be independent more than anything, I'll be open with anyone and everyone who doesn't show malicious intent but revealing something personal to them holds little significance to me in terms of feeling a bond with them. But I think the biggest thing is I don't know what to do after someone decides we are friends and I like them good enough to be down with that.

I think that I do go through something kind of like this, as far as needing independence. I’d attributed it to e5 hoarding of time/affection, though I know it’s related to sp as well. I hate feeling obligated to people who have a different working definition of ‘friendship’, because it might impose obligations which could make me miserable, which is why I think it takes a long time before I really consider anyone a ‘close’ friend. I certainly don’t get judgy about people who have different expectations from friendships, I just know that I’m not very good at conforming to other’s expectations and needs. When I like someone, I feel out what sort of expectations they attach to ‘friendship’- that’s how I deal with the second bolded statement above. I need a lot of alone time and enough elbow room to have my own opinions.

But then, I think this is a lot of why I like keeping people around, because it’s hard to find others who aren’t offended by that much space (for lack of a better word). And generally the people I’ve found who can give me that space- without getting offended by it- need that much space themselves. So I think the bond is formed from a mutual feeling of relief: after a few instances of maybe not returning phone calls right away or not contacting them for a while (within reason, like if it’s just a social call)- if they don’t get angry, I consider them a keeper (and vice versa). It just feels good to know there are a couple of people out there who are okay with me being this way, which is why I make it important to give them a poke every now and then (one which says ‘you don’t have to call me back, just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you’). I think I get a sense of security out of having them out there.

This^ is the part I would have guessed would be an EP/IJ difference- when I find something in the external environment that works, I don’t like it to change (because that interferes with my exploration of internal environment possibilities); whereas EPs, as I understand it, live to explore possibilities in the external environment. But I guess I can see how /sx might incline people to narrow that ‘independent connection’ down to a few individuals (because over time, bonds grow stronger- satisfying our very diluted ‘must crawl under someone else’s skin’ craving). And really, now that I think about it, I’ve known more ENPs with long-time friends than not, so I maybe had my head up my ass in theory on that one.

[Picture, because Wolfy once suggested I try throwing pictures in the longer posts and I think Wolfy is a swell guy.]

I mean, I have been open myself with people who didn’t show malicious intent, and gotten enthralled over what felt like mutual understanding regarding certain matters- but if repeated interaction with them reveals they have expectations for ‘friendship’ that don’t agree with my own then a bond doesn’t form. Connecting with someone holds little significance for me as well as far as ‘bonds’ are concerned- to me, bonds are something that are formed from repeatedly connecting and having similar expectations present themselves. I generally try to quietly disappear off someone’s radar once it becomes clear to me that they have expectations that will wear on me (unless they ask, then I'll try to flat out tell them).

Just as a point of interest, I'm fairly certain the three long-term friends I have that I feel closest to are (2) sp/sx and (1) sp/so. And while I feel like I know where I'm at with the sp/sx'ers, it took a long time to feel like I wasn't bothering the sp/so with occasional pokes (but as long as I give her as much space as she wants I'm pretty sure now she'll keep coming back ).