Self Pity vs Self Compassion

[Merced]

Yesterday was my first day back in therapy. I had a new therapist and almost immediately started prattling off little insecurities I had just for the sake of saying them in safe place. When I finished the string criticisms towards myself, I said "Sorry, I promise I don't always indulge in self pity." My therapist nodded and then responded with "Not self pity, self compassion." I had never heard of 'self compassion' before this conversation, but the concept interested me enough to do some research.

Self compassion is treating yourself with the amount of compassion and kindness you would show others in your predicament. Huff post describes the difference between Self Pity and Self Compassion as "Self-pity comes from the intent to avoid/control, while self-compassion comes from the intent to be loving to yourself." There's apparently a mindfulness aspect to it, as well?

I haven't done much work in using this as a coping skill or how to incorporate it in my life. At this point in time, I only know what self compassion is as a concept and that I seem to have a staunch avoidance towards participating. What are you experiences with self compassion? What about self pity?

 

[Atomic Fiend]

I too have been told to use self compassion. It's something I have to constantly reminded of in fact. It's very easy to scold oneself over failure or what we imagine are flaws we have, but most of the time these things are not really important enough to engage in self-flagellation. There is actually no point to pitying oneself. There's venting which allows you to purge yourself of the negativity of those feelings, sure, but indulging in self pity isn't venting. Venting allows you to take inventory of your emotional ails allowing you to better handle them. Self Pitying is the acknowledgement of these ails and then just languishing in the believed futility of them. Languishing is the key word there. There is no growth, only weakening over time while focusing on failings or misfortunes. Self Compassion is the forgiveness and moving forward to fix or accept of those same things and allows you room to grow stronger.

 

[Mole]

Yesterday was my first day back in therapy. I had a new therapist and almost immediately started prattling off little insecurities I had just for the sake of saying them in safe place. When I finished the string criticisms towards myself, I said "Sorry, I promise I don't always indulge in self pity." My therapist nodded and then responded with "Not self pity, self compassion." I had never heard of 'self compassion' before this conversation, but the concept interested me enough to do some research.

Self compassion is treating yourself with the amount of compassion and kindness you would show others in your predicament. Huff post describes the difference between Self Pity and Self Compassion as "Self-pity comes from the intent to avoid/control, while self-compassion comes from the intent to be loving to yourself." There's apparently a mindfulness aspect to it, as well?

I haven't done much work in using this as a coping skill or how to incorporate it in my life. At this point in time, I only know what self compassion is as a concept and that I seem to have a staunch avoidance towards participating. What are you experiences with self compassion? What about self pity?

Alice Miller provides an interesting look at self pity and self compassion, click on YouTube or YouTube .

 

[PumpkinMayCare]

Self-compassion also goes hand in hand with treating you with a mix of love, trust, respect and care, especially when things are falling apart in your life. It's a good thing. It means you are looking out for yourself emotionally and practice mental hygiene. At least you're inclined to do that and now that you know about this thing, you can follow through with it consciously.

 

[Littleclaypot]

Aww, Merced. It sounds like you have a great therapist.
If I had not learned how to treat myself with some degree of self compassion, I would not be alive today.
It will help you grow emotionally and as a person.

Also, just reminding you how great you are and how much you are LOVED. <3 <3<3 <3

 

[The Cat]

I have never heard of this before; though I'm often told I'm 'too hard on myself', so maybe that's the same thing. In any case, seems complicated, I prefer a simpler way of looking at things:

But that's more in line with how I learned things growing up. So you know, grain of salt...

 

[Population: 1]

I’ve beaten myself up over the years, more physically than anything with reckless behavior. That’s probably a serious lack of self compassion. I am my own worst critic but hey, I have to live with me and I’m a difficult roommate.

 

[Norrsken]

All I know is, is that I'm trying to get back on that healthy road inside my mind as best as I could. The biggest challenge I have, is to be able to just say "No" to someone, and not be ashamed or feel guilty over it. It's okay to disagree, and to disengage, and otherwise say no to things, people, and events that will not serve your needs at that time.

 

[❀༺♥༻ℭ𝔞𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔞_𝔄𝔦𝔰𝔩𝔦𝔫𝔤༺♥༻❀༺]

I have a tendency to be too hard on myself, I can be rather self deprecating. I don't wallow per se, I just criticize myself a lot and try to push myself to do better. I'm very picky about the things I do and always think I could've done more. I do realize that I am human so I try to be more compassionate to myself, and I've gotten better at that. I try to use my criticism as a way to improve rather than to say "I suck and I'll always suck." I definitely treat others kinder than I do myself as far as failure goes, not sure if that will ever change.

 

[Avocado]

Yesterday was my first day back in therapy. I had a new therapist and almost immediately started prattling off little insecurities I had just for the sake of saying them in safe place. When I finished the string criticisms towards myself, I said "Sorry, I promise I don't always indulge in self pity." My therapist nodded and then responded with "Not self pity, self compassion." I had never heard of 'self compassion' before this conversation, but the concept interested me enough to do some research.

Self compassion is treating yourself with the amount of compassion and kindness you would show others in your predicament. Huff post describes the difference between Self Pity and Self Compassion as "Self-pity comes from the intent to avoid/control, while self-compassion comes from the intent to be loving to yourself." There's apparently a mindfulness aspect to it, as well?

I haven't done much work in using this as a coping skill or how to incorporate it in my life. At this point in time, I only know what self compassion is as a concept and that I seem to have a staunch avoidance towards participating. What are you experiences with self compassion? What about self pity?

Self-Pity and Self-Compassion: The difference is your response to your self-judgement.

 

[Numbly Aware]

I have a lot of compassion toward myself tbh, but I hella hate self-pity.

Tho, it is hard to love myself when I don't feel loved by others (that I had needed it from).

 

[Lord Lavender]

This is a very interesting concept. Both are in many ways both forums of looking inwards at ones emotional states but they are different approaches. Self pity is reaching inwards and ripping yourself apart and in the end making the inside of you even worse while self love and compassion you reach inwards and try and improve on yourself knowing that you can grow and are deserving of love. I have tired to not fall into self pity as often in the long run it holds back growth and progress.

 

[Cellmold]

I don't believe I can ever be too hard on myself, personally.

Self-compassion, in my case, would be a trap leading to dangerous levels of self-aggrandisement. I can give compassion to others, but I save none for myself.

 

[blob]

Self compassion has helped me get over my insecurities

 

[kyuuei]

People tend to judge themselves with a severity they wouldn't in more objective terms. It's human nature.

It's why when a guest spills a glass of milk, you say, "Aww, it's alright. It's easy to clean up and an accident. Happens to everyone." And when you do it you're like, "FUCK! Damnit, I should have been more careful! Why do I always stick things on the edge like that!?"

In this situation, self-compassion would be to treat yourself the same way you treat the guest. To take out that judgment factor that brings the negativity around. If this were to devolve further into self-pity, you would tell yourself after, "I'm always so clumsy, dropping stuff like that." "God I'm stupid, I make childish mistakes." or even, "Why do people even give me these dainty cups that they know I'll spill?"

Instead of, say, looking for solutions... "I really need to make an active effort to not put cups on the edge of the table." or "I need to hold cups with both hands" or "I always spill that cup, maybe I need to get rid of that one and to get some bottom-heavy cups that aren't so easy to knock over."

Self-compassion is important because it gives you an avenue to improve and move forward. Without all the stress and negativity of the judgment and self-pity avoidance factors, it paves the way to actually create a solution if one so chooses. Even if that solution is simply, "That was a fluke accident and nothing more." To me, this is its most powerful feature. It's easy to get mad at one's self, judge one's self, and then avoid the pain of all that negativity... it takes some real skill and effort to take a more calm, objective approach to one's self. And it opens doors that were previously closed in one's life.

 

[Justin of Flavia Neapolis]

Part of one of my devotionals from this morning. How can you love another if you don't love yourself? Practicing self-love has been a huge benefit in my journey. I highly recommend it.

Outside of your relationship with God, your relationship with you is the most important relationship you have. In fact, sometimes, your relationships with others will be messed up because of the relationship you have with yourSelf. You are influenced more by what you think about yourself than by what anyone else thinks about you.

Before you can start working on relationships with others, you need to start with the person you see in the mirror. In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus says you are to love God and love your neighbor as you love yourself. Often it's easier to focus on loving God, and on loving your neighbor, but not put enough emphasis on loving yourself. It's important to understand the essential value of embracing God's love for you and translate that into love for yourself.

If you don't love yourself, you are actually negating the fact that God loves you. If you don't love yourself, it means you don't really understand God's perception of you --that you are an awesome, precious, one-of-a-kind treasure, valuable enough to warrant the pain and sacrifice of Jesus. Yes, God will hold you to a high standard, but he is willing to extend mercy and grace to you in appropriate ways so you can fulfill the special purpose he designed for you....

...

 

[FemMecha]

This is a great thread topic, and important. The complete shame placed on the idea of self-pity causes a lot of emotional problems for people who face suffering and pain. The difference between self pity and self compassion is respect. This is also true when we direct concern outwardly. The problem with pity is that it is disempowering by being imbued with disrespect. It tends to be combined with a lot of blaming and powerlessness.

The way the world is, there are times that if you don't have self-compassion you will experience none at all. I feel strongly about the importance of being completely upfront about the experience of personal pain and the sources of it. I completely reject the midwestern ethics that respond to pain with platitudes like...

"It really isn't as bad as it seems. It will all be just fine. Keep smiling" and when that doesn't work,
"Well at least it isn't as bad as it is for this other person. Other people have it so much worse, so why should you feel badly?"

Both of those approaches to avoid "self-pity" are emotionally absurd. Lying and pretending a problem or pain doesn't exist does not make it go away. It is just saying one has no tools to deal with it, no way to solve the problem except pretending. Then if one does persist to be honest about the problem, looking at others who have it worse is not going to make one feel better. Good lord, it makes me feel worse and should for anyone with even a slim amount of empathy. Why can't we just name the pain and trouble for exactly what it is, have some compassion and respect for the reality of it, try to solve the problem if possible, and if not just show kindness towards self and others that we wish for better.

 

[FemMecha]

I'll add that I get that the "other people have it worse" idea is to trigger a feeling of gratefulness to do away with self-pity. My point is that surely we don't need others to suffer worse to find gratitude for whatever we have left of value in our lives.

 

[citizen cane]

In the simplest terms, self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself, and self-compassion is knowing when to cut yourself a break and doing so.