Pressuring Ourselves to Improve (Shame & Self-Improvement)

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Something I've been struggling with lately (maybe grappling is a better word) is the proper amount of effort needed to nurture and support a self-improvement initiative. When the motivation to improve one's self becomes so strong, it can turn into shame, thinking that there's something wrong with one's current state of being. The shame only adds layers of problems, especially when it starts to spiral as the person starts to feel ashamed about being ashamed. The net effect is the creation of an internal environment where self-help becomes even more difficult because your mind is occupied with shame, and because you feel worse (ashamed, uncomfortable, worried, and self-conscious) than when you embarked on the journey. It's these qualities, I believe, that are the cause of discomfort in the first place.

Is there a balance between accepting one's self as you already are but still setting a course to change who you are? Are these two aims contradictory or reconcilable? What practical techniques could a person employ to strike this balance?

 

[Grayscale]

pursue (focus on) the positive (pros) aspects of self improvement, dont flee from the problem.

this way, you not only are motivated by something positive instead of being driven like a cart horse to correct the problem...

you are also not prone to falling back into a downward spiral, because with that way of viewing it, whatever you can do is just more of a good thing, and the lack thereof only leaves you wherever you are, not lower than where you are because you've felt like you've failed at fixing (running from) the problem. this is actually accurate, not delusional, if you attempt to get somewhere and don't, you havent gone backwards.

 

[nightning]

Shame leads to avoidance... something you don't want to be fixated on.

Is there a balance between accepting one's self as you already are but still setting a course to change who you are? Are these two aims contradictory or reconcilable? What practical techniques could a person employ to strike this balance?

I think so... I've read this from a book. Self acceptance arise from seeing both the good and bad of everything. Putting things in perspective. No matter how bad something seems to be, there's always a good side to it. So what if you made a huge mistake? It was a good learning experience. If you can see that, then you can make the shame go away. The author of the book called it "owning" your bad traits. Self improvement isn't just about being better (having more good qualities) but rather being more complete. Only by owning your bad can your good shine.

One of the exercises she suggested was saying you have this embarrassing trait over and over to yourself out loud (or have somebody say them to you) until you've come to an acceptance that it's a part of you and that's okay.

*shrugs* Interesting ideas... I believe she's an INFP. If you're interesting...

Amazon.com: The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Debbie Ford: Books

 

[Seanan]

I think you are perceiving shame for what it is but I need to make sure. Guilt, as I see it, is a sense of having done something "wrong" or inconsistant with who you are. Shame, on the other hand, goes much deeper and is a sense that one's being is "wrong" or, somehow, defective. Behaviors are not the issue in shame, therefore self-help is not likely to be effective as they, usually, address behaviors. The only direction from which to address and/or eliminate a sense of shame is from the spiritual. So, unless you are spiritual, I cannot give any advice.

 

[Mempy]

Behaviors are not the issue in shame, therefore self-help is not likely to be effective as they, usually, address behaviors. The only direction from which to address and/or eliminate a sense of shame is from the spiritual. So, unless you are spiritual, I cannot give any advice.

I agree with Seanan about the spiritual rather than behavioral solution. But I don't mean spiritual in a religious sense, or in a mystical sense. I mean that a spiritual solution would be one that involves faith in oneself and a genuine appreciation of oneself rather than the behavior of trying to cultivate defense mechanisms to protect oneself (such as pride, arrogance, the pursuit of perfection, etc).

Is there a balance between accepting one's self as you already are but still setting a course to change who you are? Are these two aims contradictory or reconcilable? What practical techniques could a person employ to strike this balance?

Excellent question. I do not think they are irreconcilable. In fact, I like to think that when one focuses on one's real self and appreciates one's real self, including (or perhaps especially) one's vulnerabilities, that improvement will naturally take place without much sweat, and without any shame.

If you are going out of your way to improve and "get value" for yourself, rather than seeing the value of your raw and vulnerable self, you are probably never going to feel ok.

I've realized that I need to appreciate who I am beneath the image I present, cast off the image of strength, intelligence, and capableness that I have been cultivating, and instead focus on my real self, which is not always strong, capable or intelligent.

Casting off your emotions and becoming more detached so that you can function better is not a good solution. Sometimes, we chase after the traits we most want to embody so that we can distance ourselves from our shame and sadness. In that sense, thinking highly of oneself and trying to detach from emotions is only a defense mechanism against feelings of shame. Arrogance and pride are maladaptive and most of the time go under our radar because they protect us from the immediate threat of shame.

I do not think that wanting to improve oneself and wanting to like oneself as one is are irreconcilable states of mind. In fact, I think self-improvement can only come when one appreciates oneself as one is, including a realistic acceptance of one's vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and limitations. Polishing one's strengths and talents and only presenting those to the world in an effort to buy the favor and respect of others (and the self-esteem one desires) is not improvement, but only deception.

 

[wildcat]

I think you are perceiving shame for what it is but I need to make sure. Guilt, as I see it, is a sense of having done something "wrong" or inconsistant with who you are. Shame, on the other hand, goes much deeper and is a sense that one's being is "wrong" or, somehow, defective. Behaviors are not the issue in shame, therefore self-help is not likely to be effective as they, usually, address behaviors. The only direction from which to address and/or eliminate a sense of shame is from the spiritual. So, unless you are spiritual, I cannot give any advice.

Well said.
.. who you are!

Exactly.

Shame goes deeper, as you say. Beyond who you are.

 

[CzeCze]

Long ENFP response

Is there a balance between accepting one's self as you already are but still setting a course to change who you are? Are these two aims contradictory or reconcilable?

I don't think the two are contradictory at all and actually go hand in hand. I think well-balanced people with a clear view of themselves and others will be aware of their shortcomings and strengths and have a healthy ego response to each. Meaning you don't beat yourself up on the shortcoming and you don't become an egomaniac with the strengths. You're able to objectively see how you 'rank' with others in life.

I also think balanced people know they will change over time and accept it. Further balanced people know they have the right to empower themselves and control their destinies.

Basically, they are not mutually exclusive. Just because you acknowledge and accept yourself as you are in this moment doesn't mean you have to lock yourself in a prison and stubbornly try to stay exactly the way you are. And just because you want to change something, doesn't mean you hate yourself.

Instead, I think the two things you mentioned are complementary and in fact necessary to going about self-improvement in a healthy and effective way.

Balanced healthy people can accept responsibility and try to make things right when they can and acce

What practical techniques could a person employ to strike this balance?

1) Ask yourself why do you want to change? What is your motivation? Is it do avoid something or to run to something? Do you really think you can change? Do you have the resolve and the tools necessary?

2) Perhaps before asking this, taking an honest assessment of yourself is helpful. Enlisting your friends and even strangers (a therapist? counselor? advisor?) to see how they view you and your strengths and weaknesses. There is no value judgement on these things, they are what they are.

3) How bad is the bad really? There are points in our lives where we just have to admit it's too late for things and that we cannot change the past or other people. Or just accept the truth of the moment. From my own experience there are lots of things I used to be ashamed or angry or hurt about. And there was just no relief in sight.

A practical step towards that is making an assessment of pain points in your life, things you deny or avoid or carry a sense of failure or regret or anger about. And then write down why you feel that way, who did you fail, who do you blame, what were the consequences, can you remedy the situation now? What can you do to change that situation? What resolution would make you happy? What do you really want?

4) Visualization and assessment in general. I think from your 'short questionnaire' post you're on the right track.

5) Thank yourself. Honor yourself. Be kind to yourself. Our worst critics are usually our own selves. We would never say or treat our friends the way we do ourselves.

6) When something "bad" happens, instead of yelling at yourself, avoiding the problem, or blaming others, be smart about it. Figure out what went wrong and why and how you can prevent it in the future. Acknowledge how much impact the mistake or slip-up actually has, honor your anger or disappointment, and be responsible towards anyone else negatively impacted by it. "Fix it" if you can. Then use all this as a motivator to do better and move on.

6b) To strike a balance you really need to start with honest assessment and always be humanitarian. Remember, you're changing because (as cheesy as this sounds) you are worth it and people around you are worth it. I think integrating that respect for self and others goes a loooong way to striking that balance or moreover, just being effective at achieving personal growth and happiness.

Hope this helps and good luck with all this! I think this response started veering away from the OP but you get the gist of it. And yeah, I know I sound like a motherflippin' metaphysical new age hippie. :rolli:

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss shame as an agent of change. I think part of the reason that our country is in the bind it's in is because too many people are concerned with fostering self-esteem where none is warranted. Shame used to point people in the right direction.

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

Think big, but start small. Big goals are more motivating (at first). Small goals are easier to accomplish and confidence is built every time you accomplish one. Therefore one should think big, but start small. Think of where you'd ultimately like to be and put no limits on your imagination. Then break that huge goal down into as many small easily accomplishable goals that you can. Make the small goals give tangible returns whenever possible. Then start on the first small goal. Even if you never achieve your overall big goal you'll make valuable progress that will leave you better off than if you did nothing.

 

[Totenkindly]

How are we defining "shame" again?

I think too much focus on "feeling good about oneself" can lead to narcissistic behavior -- the goal always becomes about keeping one's feelings positive and with simplistic people even results in denial of wrongdoing or flaws.

However, too much "shame" is destructive. Often I have seen the word "shame" used to be something bad because it criticizes the very nature of the person.. it is attached to one's identity, not to one's actions. The word "guilt' is typically used to weigh the ethical content of one's actions. I think people can and do need to use "guilt" (i.e., listen to their conscience) in order to grow and change and become better people... but "shame" (which condemns the person's very essence, they are embarrassed over being who they are) is a very negative thing.

bbl.

 

[TenebrousReflection]

Something I've been struggling with lately (maybe grappling is a better word) is the proper amount of effort needed to nurture and support a self-improvement initiative. When the motivation to improve one's self becomes so strong, it can turn into shame, thinking that there's something wrong with one's current state of being. The shame only adds layers of problems, especially when it starts to spiral as the person starts to feel ashamed about being ashamed. The net effect is the creation of an internal environment where self-help becomes even more difficult because your mind is occupied with shame, and because you feel worse (ashamed, uncomfortable, worried, and self-conscious) than when you embarked on the journey. It's these qualities, I believe, that are the cause of discomfort in the first place.

Is there a balance between accepting one's self as you already are but still setting a course to change who you are? Are these two aims contradictory or reconcilable? What practical techniques could a person employ to strike this balance?

I'm probably not the best person to answer this, but since I can relate to it, maybe my thoughts will make some sense.

It may be minor, but I draw a distinction between self help and self improvement. To me, self improvement is when I try to find ways I could be a better person by either improving what I already see as good things, or by trying to do things that will bring me closer to being who/what I think I want to be. Self help on the other hand I see as an attempt to fix things that I've recognized as problems or undesirable aspects of myself that I have accepted as things that are not part of who/what I want to be.

To me, the important part is to know why I want to make the change and envision how it will either improve me or help fix whats broken. Once I can do that, it becomes a lot easier to focus on doing things to achieve those goals.

As for shame and guilt, this may or may not be more type specific, but I find talking about it to be the best (and sometimes only) way to resolve those feelings when I have them. If I don't feel comfortable talking about something with anyone, then another alternative I sometimes use is to write a personal journal that does not go anywhere (just a text file on my pc).

 

[Mempy]

How are we defining "shame" again?

I think too much focus on "feeling good about oneself" can lead to narcissistic behavior -- the goal always becomes about keeping one's feelings positive and with simplistic people even results in denial of wrongdoing or flaws.

However, too much "shame" is destructive. Often I have seen the word "shame" used to be something bad because it criticizes the very nature of the person.. it is attached to one's identity, not to one's actions. The word "guilt' is typically used to weigh the ethical content of one's actions. I think people can and do need to use "guilt" (i.e., listen to their conscience) in order to grow and change and become better people... but "shame" (which condemns the person's very essence, they are embarrassed over being who they are) is a very negative thing.

bbl.

Agreed.

I think shame comes from trying to form a particular identity for yourself. As Jen said, if your very worth as a human being comes into question, you're going the wrong way ("shame"). Self-esteem boosting can lead to narcissism, but I think what really leads to narcissism is feeling like you have to be a certain way, that having a certain identity is imperative. Identity boxes us in and draws boundaries where there truly are and should be none.

If the goal is not simply to feel good about oneself, but to eliminate boundaries for the self, I think one has come across self-acceptance and can then, realistically and self-compassionately, improve, but the improvement comes from a desire to enjoy life more, not from a desire to further form one's identity. If you can say, "Whatever I am or will be, I will accept," you are on the right path.

I think that what causes shame is setting your worth on meeting certain standards and not crossing certain "identity" boundaries. "I shouldn't do that, because that's not who I want to be." Shame can come from not getting enough encouragement and approbation for who you are, but the most important source of shame comes from rejecting certain parts of yourself that don't fit in with the "identity" you want to have. Again, identity closes doors. True identity is boundless, undefinable, and unsolvable. There is no beginning, middle or end to it. It has no outline, no shape, no size. Most importantly, it goes on forever, in every direction.

 

[Ezra]

The only way to rid oneself of shame is by getting on with achieving what one wishes to achieve. If one has a goal in mind but does not act towards that goal, one is bound to feel ashamed about underachieving, or not achieving at all. So, if you feel your aim in life is to achieve something, achieve it. Pressure yourself by all means, but don't make the mistake of pursuing unrealistic goals. They'll come by themselves, if you're skillful enough. Only aim for not just that which is what you believe is in your capacity to achieve, but that which is actually in your capacity to achieve.

 

[Totenkindly]

The only way to rid oneself of shame is by getting on with achieving what one wishes to achieve. If one has a goal in mind but does not act towards that goal, one is bound to feel ashamed about underachieving, or not achieving at all. ....

So are you suggesting that shame is purely "achievement-based" and involves a feeling of adequacy/inadequacy in terms of accomplishment?

 

[Ezra]

Personally, I don't think shame is always linked to self-improvement, but I'm looking at it from Edahn's view of self-improvement and shame, and how the two are inextricably linked.

 

[Totenkindly]

Personally, I don't think shame is always linked to self-improvement, but I'm looking at it from Edahn's view of self-improvement and shame, and how the two are inextricably linked.

Well, my question was because I do not think achievement and self-improvement are really linked per se... at least not with a broad definition of achievement. Or maybe you are equating self-improvement to external achievements and personal skill-building?

(Where I am looking at it more in terms of identity and personal internal strengths.)

 

[INTJMom]

...
the proper amount of effort needed to nurture and support a self-improvement initiative.
...
What practical techniques could a person employ to strike this balance?

After reading all the responses so far, which are excellent, I feel like it would be easier to address this issue if the specific self-improvement "problem" was known because while there are general principles that apply, I think there are probably also specific principles that apply and would be helpful to you.

I used to live daily with shame. It was my constant companion. A book that helped me immensely was called Facing Shame by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason.


I don't think Ezra is very far off the mark when it comes to shame and achievement. I struggle with shame when I fail to achieve a certain goal I have set for myself. Conversely, when I do achieve something, especially if it's difficult, my self-respect and therefore self-esteem are bolstered, I think in a healthy way. He also made an excellent point that unrealistic expectations are not helpful.


Be sure to not be ashamed of those things that are INTP about yourself. No we shouldn't make excuses for our faults, but we should at least be understanding that all people have blind spots that they have to work on.

 

[Totenkindly]

I don't think Ezra is very far off the mark when it comes to shame and achievement. I struggle with shame when I fail to achieve a certain goal I have set for myself. Conversely, when I do achieve something, especially if it's difficult, my self-respect and therefore self-esteem are bolstered, I think in a healthy way. He also made an excellent point that unrealistic expectations are not helpful.

One interesting thing in gender studies is that there seems to be a preponderance of males whose self-worth is validated through achievement (i.e., what they do), while women in general finds validation in relationship and acceptance (i.e., who they are). This is why many men, if they lose their jobs or otherwise feel weak/incapable, can be overwhelmingly devastated even if they have decent relationships, where women seem to be more resilient to that sort of loss as long as their relationships remain intact and supportive.

Obviously this is only a very general thing, with a wide spectrum of where a particular person might fall on the scale. (I have an intuition that T will push a person more towards achievement as a validator, where F seems to push a person in the other direction.)

In any case, overall, achievement is one factor but not the only factor in the study of what triggers human shame and feelings of self-worthlessness.

 

[INTJMom]

One interesting thing in gender studies is that there seems to be a preponderance of males whose self-worth is validated through achievement (i.e., what they do), while women in general finds validation in relationship and acceptance (i.e., who they are). This is why many men, if they lose their jobs or otherwise feel weak/incapable, can be overwhelmingly devastated even if they have decent relationships, where women seem to be more resilient to that sort of loss as long as their relationships remain intact and supportive.

Obviously this is only a very general thing, with a wide spectrum of where a particular person might fall on the scale. (I have an intuition that T will push a person more towards achievement as a validator, where F seems to push a person in the other direction.)

In any case, overall, achievement is one factor but not the only factor in the study of what triggers human shame and feelings of self-worthlessness.

I think you're right about it being a T/F thing more than a male/female thing.

I agree there are other factors. That's why I highly recommend the book.