Chimerical
Permabanned
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2008
- Messages
- 898
- MBTI Type
- INTJ
- Enneagram
- 1w5
So, I'm a suicidal depressed motherfucker. Sometimes.
What would make someone want to die? Simple. The feel living no longer has anything to offer them.
e.g. They're bored as hell and wonder what comes next, they're in a situation they feel is unchangeable and out of their control that is very undesireable, etc..
So, me. What made me wanna go?
Once it was boredom. Once.
Every other time it's when this lingering thought gets the volume turned up on full blast. It screams at me "You will always be alone. No one will ever want you." I try to ignore it.
It yells "There are filthy rich men out there. Successful guys who've almost got everything they want. Almost. They're still alone despite their riches"
It insists "Then there are the poor men. Men in situations worse than yours with less than you. Some of them seem to have every girl out there after them despite being broke and homeless."
I want to push it out. "You don't get it. You've tried to understand and you can't. You are unwanted. You can be as rich as you want, but it wont matter cause you don't get it. If poor homeless Doug has a girlfriend and you don't despite having your own place and working 40 hours a week what makes you think you'll have one after you finish school and become a chemical engineer?"
The lingering thought starts to make sense now. I don't want it to. I want to ignore it. Cause now I'm thinking . o O ( Fucking seriously. I don't get why girls don't want me. I don't know why they like homeless Doug. I don't understand why slutty McSlutterson fucks everyone in town BUT me. I know I don't fucking get it. ).
"You're different. There's something wrong with you and you don't know how to fix it. No one loves you, no one ever will."
I push the thought away. It's becoming it's own voice. It's a horrible one.
"Why try? No one fucking cares. You're an amazing fucking guy. Awesome. You care about people around you, but people around you don't care about you. You'll always be just the friend to those girls."
I want it to go away. Cause it's so easy to believe it. And it only gets stronger when something is there to reinforce it's message. Like Hannah.
"She's fucked all of your friends. Why hasn't she fucked you? She fucked a guy she didn't even know. Knew him less than an hour, and took off her pants and let him inside her. Why hasn't she fucked you?"
I try to look past it and move on. It eats away at me. I start to feel like shit. I just want to keep my mind on succeeding in life and getting what I want out of life.
"What do you want again? Oh, yeah, that's right! You want a girl. Someone you can share your life with. Someone who gives a fuck about you. Someone who you can cuddle with. Someone you can do nice things for. Someone you can kiss and have sex with. Someone who'll be with you. Guess that sucks, cause no one wants you."
That when I stop feeling so motivated. I don't care about school anymore. I don't care about work anymore. It all seems so meaningless. I just want to cry. I don't want to be here anymore. It's winning...
"Why are you still here? You're not a horrible person, so you wont kill them. You don't want to hurt them at all."
I sure don't. I'm talking to myself now. At least I know it's my own thoughts and I'm talking to me.
"That is true. We are the same. I'm an expression of an idea you have."
And this is where you're going to try to convince me to kill myself.
"This is true. You're a good guy. You don't wanna be an angry person. But people don't seem to give a shit about you. Why not just go? Go away."
And that's when it happens. I'm sitting around with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. And I'm thinking how I just wish I wasn't such a fuck up when it came to girls. Why the... fuck it. I'm tired of asking why and trying to figure it out. I've done that for 14 years. It gets old, goodbye.
This is always how it happens.
So, how did it happen?
People. The wrong fucking people.
At this point I know I'm depressed like this. I don't know how to fix it. I may never figure it out. I just know what to avoid.
There's my older brother Ben. He puts me down all the time. He has since we were little. He plays me out to be the bad guy. He turns my friends against me. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't show up to places he's at. He helps fuels the lingering thought. Fuck Ben. He's no good for me.
There's Amy. She's my ex of two days. She knows I like her. She just wants to be friends. She really wants to be friends. She says she likes me as more than a friend, but just wants to be friends. I can't do that. It feeds the voice. Feeding the voice leads to suicide.
Sorry Amy. I can't be friends with you. I can't be around someone I like as much as I like you and just be friends. I'll get depressed and feel like shit. So, she's out.
There are girls I meet. I may have a little interest in them. If they don't show the same back I can't do it. I can't be their friend. A girl I met recently wanted to be my friend. I told her "I can't do it. I like you too much. I'll want to have more than what's there, and it's going to be depressing. Sorry."
I value my happiness. I don't ever want to be so depressed that I try to kill myself. So I push out these people. Anything that feeds the voice has no place in my life. Not until I figure out how to fucking fix it.
What would make someone want to die? Simple. The feel living no longer has anything to offer them.
e.g. They're bored as hell and wonder what comes next, they're in a situation they feel is unchangeable and out of their control that is very undesireable, etc..
So, me. What made me wanna go?
Once it was boredom. Once.
Every other time it's when this lingering thought gets the volume turned up on full blast. It screams at me "You will always be alone. No one will ever want you." I try to ignore it.
It yells "There are filthy rich men out there. Successful guys who've almost got everything they want. Almost. They're still alone despite their riches"
It insists "Then there are the poor men. Men in situations worse than yours with less than you. Some of them seem to have every girl out there after them despite being broke and homeless."
I want to push it out. "You don't get it. You've tried to understand and you can't. You are unwanted. You can be as rich as you want, but it wont matter cause you don't get it. If poor homeless Doug has a girlfriend and you don't despite having your own place and working 40 hours a week what makes you think you'll have one after you finish school and become a chemical engineer?"
The lingering thought starts to make sense now. I don't want it to. I want to ignore it. Cause now I'm thinking . o O ( Fucking seriously. I don't get why girls don't want me. I don't know why they like homeless Doug. I don't understand why slutty McSlutterson fucks everyone in town BUT me. I know I don't fucking get it. ).
"You're different. There's something wrong with you and you don't know how to fix it. No one loves you, no one ever will."
I push the thought away. It's becoming it's own voice. It's a horrible one.
"Why try? No one fucking cares. You're an amazing fucking guy. Awesome. You care about people around you, but people around you don't care about you. You'll always be just the friend to those girls."
I want it to go away. Cause it's so easy to believe it. And it only gets stronger when something is there to reinforce it's message. Like Hannah.
"She's fucked all of your friends. Why hasn't she fucked you? She fucked a guy she didn't even know. Knew him less than an hour, and took off her pants and let him inside her. Why hasn't she fucked you?"
I try to look past it and move on. It eats away at me. I start to feel like shit. I just want to keep my mind on succeeding in life and getting what I want out of life.
"What do you want again? Oh, yeah, that's right! You want a girl. Someone you can share your life with. Someone who gives a fuck about you. Someone who you can cuddle with. Someone you can do nice things for. Someone you can kiss and have sex with. Someone who'll be with you. Guess that sucks, cause no one wants you."
That when I stop feeling so motivated. I don't care about school anymore. I don't care about work anymore. It all seems so meaningless. I just want to cry. I don't want to be here anymore. It's winning...
"Why are you still here? You're not a horrible person, so you wont kill them. You don't want to hurt them at all."
I sure don't. I'm talking to myself now. At least I know it's my own thoughts and I'm talking to me.
"That is true. We are the same. I'm an expression of an idea you have."
And this is where you're going to try to convince me to kill myself.
"This is true. You're a good guy. You don't wanna be an angry person. But people don't seem to give a shit about you. Why not just go? Go away."
And that's when it happens. I'm sitting around with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. And I'm thinking how I just wish I wasn't such a fuck up when it came to girls. Why the... fuck it. I'm tired of asking why and trying to figure it out. I've done that for 14 years. It gets old, goodbye.
This is always how it happens.
So, how did it happen?
People. The wrong fucking people.
At this point I know I'm depressed like this. I don't know how to fix it. I may never figure it out. I just know what to avoid.
There's my older brother Ben. He puts me down all the time. He has since we were little. He plays me out to be the bad guy. He turns my friends against me. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't show up to places he's at. He helps fuels the lingering thought. Fuck Ben. He's no good for me.
There's Amy. She's my ex of two days. She knows I like her. She just wants to be friends. She really wants to be friends. She says she likes me as more than a friend, but just wants to be friends. I can't do that. It feeds the voice. Feeding the voice leads to suicide.
Sorry Amy. I can't be friends with you. I can't be around someone I like as much as I like you and just be friends. I'll get depressed and feel like shit. So, she's out.
There are girls I meet. I may have a little interest in them. If they don't show the same back I can't do it. I can't be their friend. A girl I met recently wanted to be my friend. I told her "I can't do it. I like you too much. I'll want to have more than what's there, and it's going to be depressing. Sorry."
I value my happiness. I don't ever want to be so depressed that I try to kill myself. So I push out these people. Anything that feeds the voice has no place in my life. Not until I figure out how to fucking fix it.
