INFtha14
:)
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2008
- Messages
- 1,844
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 6w7
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
How ironic I sit here lost in my tears. After a few minutes I realize I'm hugging myself. With that thought in mind... my eyes tear up alittle. Because it reminds me how I am in this alone. I have to be that anchor for myself. I have to pull myself up from the inside to make amends with this "trauma(s)".
I try to be happy... I try to laugh but something always makes me angry.
What just happened before "hugging" myself, something made me angry a few moments ago. I tried addressing it with said party, of course they didn't want to hear of it anymore.
I got mad... walked away while saying "Fine... guess I'll have to stuff my emotions away while I eat candy". Note to self: Must work on communication (As it was fine if I wanted to have pizza just because but if I was eating pizza to stuff my emotions then not so good XD. Some better suggestions of how I can react given to me were.
* I'm disappointed/sad that you don't value are relationship enough to resolve this. (Sounds like attacking though heh but in a way that is how I feel in regards to how communication in my family is).
* I'm trying to be an adult and talk with you as adults. I can't change how you feel or if you want too or not (talk).
Some coping tips: "I'm not afraid of her anger/She's not going to control."
"I got power" "Okay mom I'm going to go take a walk/drive etc" "Apologize".
Then when I can do this better with my mom it was suggested that I can start even more so communicating honestly with my BFFs. I need to work on those too but I think the person who I see everyday is the best practice first. Also to take baby steps. Doesn't have to happen over night and it won't.
Then I went to my room... ate my pizza with tears then streaming down my face.
Underneath this anger lies...
Feeling abandoned - by my mother... yet again. God forbid you truly deal with me!!!?
*Looks to emotions list*
Combative - I'd really love to go out there and tell my mother to kiss my patoonia. But that's probably not a good idea. Apart of me wants to blow it up in her face how much resentment I hold at her. Wouldn't solve anything though. (Wow... I was really angry. I may hold resentment against my mother but so far the talks with my counselor have helped me see alittle more clearly that the actions that caused me to receive those behaviors have been passed down generationally. Two year neice is here :O. Going to hug her (I'll be back XD). That and I heard my sisters big laugh pfft LOL.*
Resentment - That's a huge one.
Deprived - of love, acceptance, support from her.
Enraged - definitely.
Envious - Of the attention my neices/nephew seem to get. The attention I never got. But even what they get is not the real thing. Her love is born of "here eat some really yummy food I made/accept this cool toy etc and we won't have to discuss this again" Insert cheesy grin.
exhausted: Emotionally exhausted.
Fury: Like a thousand suns haha!
Hurt: massively.
Ignored: YES. In major agreement here.
Lonely - maybe this is because of how abandoned I feel but it hurts when I have no one to physically at the end of a day. I really do want somebody to truly love.
Happy for my friends who are finding that special someone who gives them atleast an external anchor but I'm here alone fighting my internal battle.
Needy: for my mothers affection/attention/understanding.
Outraged: oh yeah.
Over Looked: Story of my life...
Overwhelmed: Exactly... very emotionally overwhelmed.
Pain:...
Pity: yeah could see this too. Pitying myself that I don't get the acceptance I need from my own mother.
Possessive: I'd love to have her just pay attention, listen up and hear me for once.
Rejected: my needs have definitely been "rejected". They seem to not be able to see past their own needs. No offense it's people like this that shouldn't have children till they process and work on their "demons".
Remorseful: Over the constant reminder that my mother will never love me in a way that I truly need nor can see past her own needs to accomodate a daughters emotions. All I know... I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
Sad:...
Self-pity: Same reasons as for "pity".
Self-reliant: like I have to be self reliant or I'll be left to be struggling. I have no one to rely on but myself financially and emotionally. This hurts when I see my friends having these two support systems from their romantic partners. I have some jealousy with that.
Sluggish: These emotions are draining me...
Tired: tired of feeling this way. This rage.
Troubled: tell that to the lines on my forehead from tension.
Unsupported:... yep.
Vulnerable: Like I just want to hide away from interactions/people.
Weepy:... again.
Just thought i'd do my counseling exercise in written form as it was told to me writing might help me process my thought. Might as well do the excercise while writing. Going to need a whole heap of forgiveness pills XD!
All in good time hopefully.
I try to be happy... I try to laugh but something always makes me angry.
What just happened before "hugging" myself, something made me angry a few moments ago. I tried addressing it with said party, of course they didn't want to hear of it anymore.
I got mad... walked away while saying "Fine... guess I'll have to stuff my emotions away while I eat candy". Note to self: Must work on communication (As it was fine if I wanted to have pizza just because but if I was eating pizza to stuff my emotions then not so good XD. Some better suggestions of how I can react given to me were.
* I'm disappointed/sad that you don't value are relationship enough to resolve this. (Sounds like attacking though heh but in a way that is how I feel in regards to how communication in my family is).
* I'm trying to be an adult and talk with you as adults. I can't change how you feel or if you want too or not (talk).
Some coping tips: "I'm not afraid of her anger/She's not going to control."
"I got power" "Okay mom I'm going to go take a walk/drive etc" "Apologize".
Then when I can do this better with my mom it was suggested that I can start even more so communicating honestly with my BFFs. I need to work on those too but I think the person who I see everyday is the best practice first. Also to take baby steps. Doesn't have to happen over night and it won't.
Then I went to my room... ate my pizza with tears then streaming down my face.
Underneath this anger lies...
Feeling abandoned - by my mother... yet again. God forbid you truly deal with me!!!?
*Looks to emotions list*
Combative - I'd really love to go out there and tell my mother to kiss my patoonia. But that's probably not a good idea. Apart of me wants to blow it up in her face how much resentment I hold at her. Wouldn't solve anything though. (Wow... I was really angry. I may hold resentment against my mother but so far the talks with my counselor have helped me see alittle more clearly that the actions that caused me to receive those behaviors have been passed down generationally. Two year neice is here :O. Going to hug her (I'll be back XD). That and I heard my sisters big laugh pfft LOL.*
Resentment - That's a huge one.
Deprived - of love, acceptance, support from her.
Enraged - definitely.
Envious - Of the attention my neices/nephew seem to get. The attention I never got. But even what they get is not the real thing. Her love is born of "here eat some really yummy food I made/accept this cool toy etc and we won't have to discuss this again" Insert cheesy grin.
exhausted: Emotionally exhausted.
Fury: Like a thousand suns haha!
Hurt: massively.
Ignored: YES. In major agreement here.
Lonely - maybe this is because of how abandoned I feel but it hurts when I have no one to physically at the end of a day. I really do want somebody to truly love.
Happy for my friends who are finding that special someone who gives them atleast an external anchor but I'm here alone fighting my internal battle.
Needy: for my mothers affection/attention/understanding.
Outraged: oh yeah.
Over Looked: Story of my life...
Overwhelmed: Exactly... very emotionally overwhelmed.
Pain:...
Pity: yeah could see this too. Pitying myself that I don't get the acceptance I need from my own mother.
Possessive: I'd love to have her just pay attention, listen up and hear me for once.
Rejected: my needs have definitely been "rejected". They seem to not be able to see past their own needs. No offense it's people like this that shouldn't have children till they process and work on their "demons".
Remorseful: Over the constant reminder that my mother will never love me in a way that I truly need nor can see past her own needs to accomodate a daughters emotions. All I know... I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
Sad:...
Self-pity: Same reasons as for "pity".
Self-reliant: like I have to be self reliant or I'll be left to be struggling. I have no one to rely on but myself financially and emotionally. This hurts when I see my friends having these two support systems from their romantic partners. I have some jealousy with that.
Sluggish: These emotions are draining me...
Tired: tired of feeling this way. This rage.
Troubled: tell that to the lines on my forehead from tension.
Unsupported:... yep.
Vulnerable: Like I just want to hide away from interactions/people.
Weepy:... again.
Just thought i'd do my counseling exercise in written form as it was told to me writing might help me process my thought. Might as well do the excercise while writing. Going to need a whole heap of forgiveness pills XD!
All in good time hopefully.
I am sorry. 
. Hehe! No... actually you help make it better thank you. *
