[MBTI General] NFs and giving/receiving compliments

[Fidelia]

I dated an ESTJ for several years who didn't like it when I wrote him a note saying all the things I liked about him, or if we had an especially good weekend or he did something really nice for me etc and I wrote him. He would never acknowledge that he even got anything and he later told me (during a heated exchange) it made him feel "very awkward" because he didn't know what to say. And although he did value many things about me, he found it awkward to know how to say those things. After awhile, I felt rejected and quit expressing appreciation as often.

I realized a couple of things later. I can give compliments and thank yous in person like "I really like your dress" or "Good job on that paper" etc, but if it something more involved than that, or that includes personal characteristics, I would likely write it. That is because I would be pleased if someone were to do that for me, it would avoid the embarrassment of face to face responding, and it would be something I could look back and on reread when I needed a pick-me-up. I also am likely to say more in writing than I would face to face.

On this forum, I was discussing with an ESTJ what she would prefer to be complimented on and also in what form. She said that in writing would seem far too much like the other person is pouring their soul out and also that things like reliability, consistency etc would by far be the qualities that would make her happiest to be complimented on. As a teacher, it is interesting to see how each of the four types really prefer different kinds of compliments and in different forms.

So here are my questions. Answer whichever you like and let this thread go whichever direction it will.

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?

 

[MonkeyGrass]

4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?

In paper, or from a person I'm quite close to. Otherwise, I feel a little violated to have to show a genuine response on the spot. I get too caught up in the other person's emotions and how they'd like me to respond to actually enjoy it, otherwise, and just appear embarrassed and awkward.

 

[SpottingTrains]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?

1. Compliments for me aren't restricted to a any single medium.

2. I always compliment actions rather than appearance. There are extremes situations where I would compliment appearance but they are fairly rare.

3. No I don't, but I would agree that it would help.

4. This goes back to #2. I have a hard time accepting appearance related compliments as opposed to action related ones. Though to be honest both just really put me on edge because I always think I could of done something better. It usually smacks me with a sense of false pride.

5. No clue.

 

[BlackCat]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both? This I would say depends on the person and not the type. The styles of love theory would better explain this for you, not personality typing. In this theory you have a main type and a subtype. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages: Learn the Languages A perfect example of love languages conflicting (and of how it's not much related to type) is that my mom, an ENFJ, is a primary gift giver/receiver and 2ndary acts of service. I am a primary quality time and 2ndary physical touch. She expects gifts to be given a lot and gives gifts to show her appreciation, and feels deeply hurt if someone doesn't return the favor. She will also do you favors to show appreciation, like help you move or something like that. I didn't even think of this as showing love, my main style of love is quality time. I'd sit there and talk to my mom, share stories, discuss things, and in my own mind this was giving love to my mom. These conflict constantly, and I thought everything was fine. But my mom would get very angry that I didn't give very many gifts or want to do the whole "acts of service" thing. So yeah, there you go.

2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it? Best type of complement for me personally is simply that the person likes me as a person, enjoys being around me, all of that good stuff.

3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into. No, I consider what THEY as a person would appreciate.

4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person? It's kinda awkward, but yeah it's okay I guess. I feel comfortable accepting them when they actually mean something.

5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most? Not sure, probably unbalanced NTs or unbalanced T types in general.

 

[the state i am in]

blackcat, do you know of any correlations between mb type and the love languages? it seems pretty damn helpful, so far.

also, i am not very smooth at receiving compliments, there's this ungraceful kind of desire to express or articulate these relationships in my own way, and sometimes i am kind of awkward and not quit lining up with the intentions/expressions of the complimenter.

 

[FemMecha]

I worked on giving more compliments because I have had negative social repercussions for not giving enough of them. I tend to think positive or neutral things about people, but don't often verbalize these.

I like compliments that correspond with truthfulness and are reasonable. Generic compliments don't make much sense to me, and social strategy (kissing up) compliments are stressful to me whether pressure to give or receive. One of my jobs is so heavy laden with mutual complimenting, and it's not pleasant.

 

[Lady_X]

i like to give a receive compliments yeah...don't feel awkward either way...medium doesn't matter much...a bit of all is better i think...but...they have to be sincere and i think they're better when they're obviously specific to that person or something that shows you're really paying attention.

 

[seeker22]

5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?

INTPs! I made the mistake of complimenting one a few different times - each time she looked like she wanted to flee and quickly changed the subject without acknowledging the compliment whatsoever. I think she even became briefly disgusted with me.

 

[BlackCat]

blackcat, do you know of any correlations between mb type and the love languages? it seems pretty damn helpful, so far.

It's sort of like enneagram in that any MBTI type can be any love language type. However I've noticed some correlations... or at least some commonalities between some types.

Introverts- Quality time
Males- Physical touch

I've just noticed there are a lot of introverts that have Quality time as a primary or secondary love language. A lot of males are also Physical Touch in one way or another.

However typing someone's love language is like typing in MBTI, in a sense that you just have to get a knack for doing it. It's also just as handy for relationships.

PS: Sorry for the late response.

 

[OrangeAppled]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?

I am better at expressing my feelings in writing. I tend to be warmer through email than in person. As some others have said, I also think many, many more nice things about people than I ever communicate to them. I am always working to be better about that... I too have had people complain that I don't make positive observations about others very much; but I do, I just need to vocalize them more.

I've learned that complimenting people has less to do with me than the other person (duh) and it doesn't have to leave me vulnerable. I would say I learned that from my ENFJ friends, who compliment left & right with great ease. Compliments from me are so sincere & heartfelt that they feel like some kind of confession, and I'm always worried of weirding people out. I've learned to do it more casually from the help of ENFJs & even my INTP friend (yes, oddly enough).

2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?

I love a sincere & unique compliment. Interestingly, it was an INTP (and a cranky one at that) who gave me some of the best compliments ever. Instead of just saying something like "you're pretty", he would compare my eyes to the universe or something . I also like when people compliment my design work, or a quality about me that shows me something new about myself. It helps ease insecurity, haha.


3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment?
No...

4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?

I used to qualify compliments sometimes, but I take them graciously now.
I don't have any preference for in writing or in person. Both are nice & appreciated.


5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?
I've found INTJs, ENTPs, and ESTJs to not compliment much, but that's just my personal experience. I think it's more of an individual thing really.

 

[jenocyde]

I really hate it when I get too many compliments and I rarely give them. Nothing makes me cringe more than someone writing an email or a card thanking me profusely for something that they've already thanked me for and then telling me why I was so great, or whatever. A simple 'thank you' is more than enough for me.

Anything that overdoes it with words seems fake and awkward to me, and it puts me on the spot. I don't know how to respond to that and it makes me nauseous, actually. And then if I return a compliment, I often get "fished" for more by constant questions like "really, what do you mean? what did you like about it?" Blecch, that type of ego stroking... *shudder*

I often get cards in the mail from an NF friend of mine that I always try and pretend I didn't receive. I rarely open them anyway and usually just toss them (I hate clutter). I know it hurts her that I don't acknowledge them, but I am trying to get her to stop sending them - believe me, I've asked her to stop a few times already and she won't. I think it's less about the compliments and more about the amount and profuseness of it all. It's just overdone.

(and I'm not unbalanced, I just think that less is more...)

 

[Fidelia]

For real? What if she really feels that profusely about you? Aren't you even curious to read them? How would you feel if it was said in person? She'd probably quit if you told her something nice she could do instead (something like, instead of writing me a card, I'd really prefer you to get me a coffee). It almost kills an NF not to express somethig for those that they appreciate. I think most things an NF would express would seem profuse to many NTs whether the NF felt they were or not. Do you think that most NTs feel the same way about compliments as you do? What would make you feel good if compliments don't? I know that many NTs don't feel the need for appreciation in the same way as NFs. What would be their equivalent driving need though? Acknowledgement of competence in an area??

Maybe the discomfort with being complimented is more of a T thing...

 

[jenocyde]

For real? What if she really feels that profusely about you? Aren't you even curious to read them? How would you feel if it was said in person? She'd probably quit if you told her something nice she could do instead (something like, instead of writing me a card, I'd really prefer you to get me a coffee). It almost kills an NF not to express somethig for those that they appreciate. I think most things an NF would express would seem profuse to many NTs whether the NF felt they were or not. Do you think that most NTs feel the same way about compliments as you do? What would make you feel good if compliments don't? I know that many NTs don't feel the need for appreciation in the same way as NFs. What would be their equivalent driving need though? Acknowledgement of competence in an area??

Wow, ok - I'll try to answer all your questions...

I know she feels that profusely and it makes me very uncomfortable that she feels that way. Being a friend means you just do nice things for each other - that's the point of friendship. If I pick her up from the airport, I don't need a 45 minute love fest about it on the way back. Just say thanks. I already know it was a nice thing to do, going overboard with the words makes it seem less sincere. And a card afterword makes me want to throttle her. I get it - you appreciate it. Can we move on? It bothers me when someone breaks up a nice moment to tell me how nice the moment is. Just enjoy the moment!

If I am at a store buying something for my niece and I see something cute her daughter would like, I just pick it up. I don't even think twice about it and I certainly don't do it for the compliment. I just do it because I want to. I would expect a normal hug and a "thank you, that was so sweet" or whatever and leave it at that. So when I get a thank you hug, a thank you phone call, a thank you card from her, a thank you card from the daughter (written by her, of course) and then a 20 minute 'word orgy' the next time I see her - well, it really makes me not want to do anything like that ever again. I don't know what it is but it feels extremely... gross. And then it makes me feel like every time she does any little thing for me that she expects me to behave that way. And I won't. I simply can't. It's just not my nature.

I don't need compliments or acknowledgments (other than the typical thank you) at all. Ever. It's nice when you get an unexpected one, I think everyone feels that way. But when someone goes on and on about it... I mean, if a strange man walked up to you on the street and said you were pretty, you'd smile and feel good and say thanks. But then if he goes on to individually compliment every single body part individually, it's just creepy. And that's what this feels like to me. It's a bit creepy. The first time I got one of her cards (with a long poem inside), I wondered what the hell she was thinking. Now, I can't even open them.

Saying it in person is bad because I then have to fake exuberance and appreciation for the thanks. But getting the card is 10x worse, because I know she is waiting anxiously for that phone call - the one in which I have to thank her profusely for the card and get questioned on which part of the poem I liked the best. And I also know that she will constantly refer back to said card a million times over the next year, asking if I remember that one card with that one poem that said that one phrase... In a way, it's kind of like she compliments me so I can compliment her.

I don't know if I have an equivalent driving need. I have to think about that one. But I can guarantee that it has nothing to do with praise.

 

[TaylorS]

I love compliments, both giving and receiving.

 

[Fidelia]

Jenocyde - I had no idea that you meant that gushy. You're right, that's uncomfortable and weird (and not really a general NF trait). We're more likely to say sorry more than we should. I agree, it would make it seem fake.

I just meant that it's nice to know sometimes what a person likes about you and I couldn't understand not being curious enough to find out or hating them say they appreciate you (I know that the rest don't need it as much as NFs, but...). I could see it being uncomfortable in person, or maybe NFs seeming a little less...terse than an NT might be about it all, but I think everyone can probably deal with a "Thanks for doing that" etc. without getting too bothered, no?

 

[Tiltyred]

I used to like to write that sort of thing out, but I have learned over the years that it's better not to leave too much stuff in writing, also that people seem to find it odd. People who don't know what to say to a compliment have an even worse time if they think they have to do it in writing. So it puts pressure where you don't want pressure, you want joy, so since it ends up antithetical to the purpose, that effusive kind of writing gets relegated to the journal.

Social currency compliments are ok if they don't go on too long. "I love your shoes!" "I love your purse!" if it feels sincere is fine, but if every single day the person critiques my shoes or purse or hair or whatever, it starts to feel intrusive to me and I get surly.

Compliments about my efforts mean a lot to me and I like them given in private, very briefly, and then never referred to again. I feel that so intensely it embarrasses me, so I can't stand it to go on too long. (Not that I'm in any grave danger of such suffering.)

 

[jenocyde]

Jenocyde - I had no idea that you meant that gushy. You're right, that's uncomfortable and weird (and not really a general NF trait). We're more likely to say sorry more than we should. I agree, it would make it seem fake.

I just meant that it's nice to know sometimes what a person likes about you and I couldn't understand not being curious enough to find out or hating them say they appreciate you (I know that the rest don't need it as much as NFs, but...). I could see it being uncomfortable in person, or maybe NFs seeming a little less...terse than an NT might be about it all, but I think everyone can probably deal with a "Thanks for doing that" etc. without getting too bothered, no?

My point is that it always seems gushy. If it's a simple thanks, that's fine - but it rarely is a simple thanks. And truth be told, I could live without even that, but I accept it as part of the social agreement.

Like what you were describing with the ESTJ would have me running in the other direction. Listing the things you like about me feels awkward and weird and then it makes me start to think what would happen if I accidentally slipped up on one of those traits, or just had a bad day. I can't quantify my friends like that.

I don't need to know why a person likes me. The fact that we communicate regularly already shows that we like each other.

And yes, the apologizing drives me crazy too.

 

[Silent Stars]

1. NFs generally do like to show their appreciation. Does it take different forms depending on which kind of NF you are? Do you compliment in person or on paper or both?
2. As an NF, what would be the best type of compliment to you and in what form would you like to receive it?
3. Do you consider MBTI type when you give someone a compliment? I haven't too much in the past, but think it's worth looking into.
4. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Would you prefer them on paper or in person?
5. What types do you think shy away from open emotion the most?

1. I show my appreciation for others in many different ways, from very simple things, to really going all out, and everything in between. I have no trouble complimenting people in person or in writing, but when I do it in writing, I'm able to fully explain how I feel, and it can get very elaborate and long. I enjoy writing letters in cursive handwriting, as it adds a more personal element to what I'm saying. Sometimes I even end up leaving tear stains on the paper from crying. lol

2. I would love to get any sort of compliment, because I usually get very few, if any at all. It doesn't matter to me what people do, as long as they really mean it.

3. I don't; all I consider is the person themselves, and how I feel about them, and then I express that in whatever way I think would get my feelings across to them the best. That doesn't mean I always go all out, though...that only happens in very special occasions.

4. I am comfortable with receiving compliments, but I do get embarrassed by them a lot, as I am easily flustered, and I blush a lot too...but I don't mind that. I have no preference as to how other people do it to me; I'm just glad if they do it at all.

5. I'd say a lot of INFPs have quite a bit of trouble with that (probably more than any other feeler type), and any type or person that has low Fe. I think ENTPs would be the best at it out of all the thinking types.

 

[jenocyde]

1. I show my appreciation for others in many different ways, from very simple things, to really going all out, and everything in between. I have no trouble complimenting people in person or in writing, but when I do it in writing, I'm able to fully explain how I feel, and it can get very elaborate and long. I enjoy writing letters in cursive handwriting, as it adds a more personal element to what I'm saying. Sometimes I even end up leaving tear stains on the paper from crying. lol

Are you being serious?

 

[Fidelia]

Jenocyde, you're hilarious. I knew that would be your reaction to the SilentStar's post.

So is it feeling like you might slip up later that bothers you, or that the other person is expressing emotion that you don't know what to do with?

What if you quit interacting regularly with the person? Can it then be assumed that you dislike their company (since spending time with them is assurance enough that you like them) or are you just busy doing something else?

And yes, any NF apologizer that has anything to do with Ts learns to quit apologizing because it annoys them so badly. (Although usually they apologize for apologizing before they finally get the message).