Negative Body Image

[RadicalDoubt]

This is probably going to sound really ignorant but I'm going for it anyways. What is it like to have an overwhelmingly negative body image (in terms of perhaps health or shape)? Also what do you think would be the best way to support one who has these feelings?

I'm trying to support a family member with a very poor body image (ie. she thinks she's fat and ugly but she's pretty average/perhaps slightly underweight), but every time I try to be supportive or rationalize this I end up coming off abrupt or not providing feedback that is meaningful. My empathy is typically a bit better than this but this is somewhat a blind spot of mine it appears...

(Also sorry if this is in the wrong section, I was debating on putting this in the advice section but it's kind of health related so idk).

 

[Firebird 8118]

This is probably going to sound really ignorant but I'm going for it anyways. What is it like to have an overwhelmingly negative body image (in terms of perhaps health or shape)? Also what do you think would be the best way to support one who has these feelings?

I'm trying to support a family member with a very poor body image (ie. she thinks she's fat and ugly but she's pretty average/perhaps slightly underweight), but every time I try to be supportive or rationalize this I end up coming off abrupt or not providing feedback that is meaningful. My empathy is typically a bit better than this but this is somewhat a blind spot of mine it appears...

(Also sorry if this is in the wrong section, I was debating on putting this in the advice section but it's kind of health related so idk).

No worries, you’ve come to the right place wanna elaborate more on the sort of responses you’ve given to try and support your family member? Maybe it’ll help to look into that and see if there may be a better way to show support... As someone who (still) deals with low self-esteem and a negative body image, I might be able to help you get some insight into her POV. I will admit off the bat that it’s good you’re trying to help.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

No worries, you’ve come to the right place wanna elaborate more on the sort of responses you’ve given to try and support your family member? Maybe it’ll help to look into that and see if there may be a better way to show support... As someone who (still) deals with low self-esteem and a negative body image, I might be able to help you get some insight into her POV. I will admit off the bat that it’s good you’re trying to help.

The direction I've kind of gone with it is very solution based (which is probably not the correct way, but the most natural for me). She's always had body issues, but a lot of her most recent qualms come from aging things (change in the way the body sets, wrinkles, ect), so I sort of try to explain why the body has changed and that those sort of changes aren't really related so much to weight gain/not exercising enough as much as it is related to changes in hormones or the general shifting in body structure. When she makes depreciating comments I'm pretty quick to comment that things look different to people outside of herself and that some of what she sees isn't entirely realistic. I've also tried complimenting different aspects of her appearance (sometimes prior to her being depreciating) to help her feel more positive about her changing form, because there are a lot of things worth complimenting. She seems to understand the sentiment and that I care for her, but it's painstakingly obvious that she thinks that I don't understand (and honestly, I'd agree).

She's definitely not looking for solutions and I feel as though the latter part of what I mentioned, while accurate may come across as invalidating her feelings. I don't want to fuel her depreciation, but I'm not really sure what responses would be more appropriate.

 

[Firebird 8118]

The direction I've kind of gone with it is very solution based (which is probably not the correct way, but the most natural for me). She's always had body issues, but a lot of her most recent qualms come from aging things (change in the way the body sets, wrinkles, ect), so I sort of try to explain why the body has changed and that those sort of changes aren't really related so much to weight gain/not exercising enough as much as it is related to changes in hormones or the general shifting in body structure. When she makes depreciating comments I'm pretty quick to comment that things look different to people outside of herself and that some of what she sees isn't entirely realistic. I've also tried complimenting different aspects of her appearance (sometimes prior to her being depreciating) to help her feel more positive about her changing form, because there are a lot of things worth complimenting. She seems to understand the sentiment and that I care for her, but it's painstakingly obvious that she thinks that I don't understand (and honestly, I'd agree).

She's definitely not looking for solutions and I feel as though the latter part of what I mentioned, while accurate may come across as invalidating her feelings. I don't want to fuel her depreciation, but I'm not really sure what responses would be more appropriate.

Hmm... sounds about what I expected tbh my guy is INTP, it took me a while to understand that him explaining things to me and offering logical solutions is his way of caring. So while I appreciate it a ton now, I can imagine it’s not an approach that’s easy for “non-NTs” to handle. Especially when it comes to self-esteem issues.

I’d say you’re doing right by not fueling or encouraging her self-deprecating thoughts. It might help to essentially “soften the blow”, which I see you’ve been trying by complimenting her appearance and all. You could also, instead of diving right into solution-giving, allow her to express her emotions openly first and listen patiently. Perhaps she feels that she’s not being heard?

I don’t know much about the dynamics between you two, but I’ve often found that having an open conversation helps bridge the gap in communication. It’s also best to have this kind of discussion when the other person is in a calmer state of mind. Hope this helps a bit!

 

[Hiraeth]

It's kind of hard to explain. For me, it goes beyond body image. From how you describe it, she may have some level of body dysmorphia, but that is a very extreme form of negative body image and understandably her view may not be as extreme. For certain people, they have an exaggerated and distorted view on how they see themselves, specifically whatever they perceive as their flaws. And no matter what you say to them, they won't believe you and assume you are lying to them. I would constantly compare myself to others and need someone to reassure me that I wasn't how I saw myself, thinking and hoping that if they said what I perceived wasn't true, my perspective would change, but it never does and only further confirms my suspicions that they are lying to me in order to make me feel better about myself. She'd definitely need someone who can be a good friend to her, and you've definitely shown you care about her, but sometimes under more severe circumstances, a therapist would be appropriate. Does she spend a lot of her time on social media or anything that pertains to an over-glamorized self-image? The media in general has set the bar to impossible beauty standards with constant use of airbrushing and photoshopping, propagating this message that in order for people to have some form of self-worth, they need to adhere to those standards in order to be valued, especially women where, biologically speaking, physical appearance has been a higher caliber of importance in order to attract a mate in life. Can't speak for all, but what has helped me personally was focusing my attention on something that brings meaning to my life that does not merely concern myself, and diverting my attention away from superficial stuff. However, even though I still feel an enormous sense of disgust in regards to my physical appearance, I've accepted this as a fact that I will never see myself as attractive. Yet contributing something greater than myself makes me feel I've done something worthwhile that transcends the physical. So establishing her energy onto something else may help greatly. Also, she may want to look into other women as role models who have done something other than being known for their looks. It may inspire her in that direction. This will take time and effort on her part, but it's definitely possible for her to overcome her insecurities, speaking as someone who has been there and understands the toll it can take on a person's well-being.

 

[cascadeco]

It's kind of hard to explain. For me, it goes beyond body image. From how you describe it, she may have some level of body dysmorphia, but that is a very extreme form of negative body image and understandably her view may not be as extreme. For certain people, they have an exaggerated and distorted view on how they see themselves, specifically whatever they perceive as their flaws. And no matter what you say to them, they won't believe you and assume you are lying to them. I would constantly compare myself to others and need someone to reassure me that I wasn't how I saw myself, thinking and hoping that if they said what I perceived wasn't true, my perspective would change, but it never does and only further confirms my suspicions that they are lying to me in order to make me feel better about myself. She'd definitely need someone who can be a good friend to her, and you've definitely shown you care about her, but sometimes under more severe circumstances, a therapist would be appropriate. Does she spend a lot of her time on social media or anything that pertains to an over-glamorized self-image? The media in general has set the bar to impossible beauty standards with constant use of airbrushing and photoshopping, propagating this message that in order for people to have some form of self-worth, they need to adhere to those standards in order to be valued, especially women where, biologically speaking, physical appearance has been a higher caliber of importance in order to attract a mate in life. Can't speak for all, but what has helped me personally was focusing my attention on something that brings meaning to my life that does not merely concern myself, and diverting my attention away from superficial stuff. However, even though I still feel an enormous sense of disgust in regards to my physical appearance, I've accepted this as a fact that I will never see myself as attractive. Yet contributing something greater than myself makes me feel I've done something worthwhile that transcends the physical. So establishing her energy onto something else may help greatly. Also, she may want to look into other women as role models who have done something other than being known for their looks. It may inspire her in that direction. This will take time and effort on her part, but it's definitely possible for her to overcome her insecurities, speaking as someone who has been there and understands the toll it can take on a person's well-being.

To add to this, if she is surrounded by people or in an industry/job/culture where there are perceived expectations tied to body image, or where it's above and beyond the 'norm' that a woman already experiences, it will be much harder to pull out of any negative self image that she has. As has already been mentioned, women already by default have a cultural expectation about the Importance of Looks that is integrated from a very young age and is carried on throughout school. To Malela's point, if she doesn't have any role models, friends, interests, hobbies, or whatnot to counteract that, it will be that much harder, especially if she is predisposed psychologically (for whatever reason) to hyperfocus on it and fixate on her appearance. Edit: And if it's really extreme or harming her health/ life, then therapy is likely best.

OP you are right, words aren't going to help, nor is logic. Also, the aging process is especially hard on women, especially given the aforementioned cultural expectation around appearance. It's an emotional thing, not a logical thing (as you know -- just reiterating it).

 

[tony_goth]

what do you think would be the best way to support one who has these feelings?

Beauty is basically favorable psychological impact.

Body image is one's own perceived physical beauty.

So to improve one's body image, I would prove that she/he is physically beautiful, in a detailed manner.

By "detailed" I mean, I would say how her/his physical properties contribute to psychological impact.

And then I would explain he/she the psychological impact of all concrete elements of outfits, makeup, hairstyle in an abstract manner.

And then I would tell he/she how to have the most psychological impact possible, by dressing/making up/doing hair, while taking into account her/his physical properties. First to herself/himself, and then to people.

I mean, saying "you are beautiful" is not enough. Giving proof is necessary.

Yes, I have a rational approach to physical beauty and physical self-image.

 

[cacaia]

In your situation, I would research some books about body image and gift her the one which I would find it most useful to get my point across. Also, It wouldn't hurt to talk with her about the stigma women carry everyday about their bodies in general- we are constantly bombarded with advertisements of models who look skinny, etc...it makes people think that they should all look that way. But that is not reality. The ads most people see on magazines, on the internet, the actors in movies, are all skinny and contribute to a person's negative self image. A conversation about this and about her own discomfort can help her to put things in perspective.

If this doesn't help, maybe show her some articles about dismorphia or bulimia, and try to rationalize in a sympathetic way such as- "even though I don't relate to this, I am concerned for you that you might become like this. Besides, it's not what counts on the outside that should really matter, it's how wonderful a person you are inside."
I hope this helps. Keep us posted

 

[tony_goth]

we are constantly bombarded with advertisements of models who look skinny, etc...it makes people think that they should all look that way. But that is not reality. The ads most people see on magazines, on the internet, the actors in movies, are all skinny and contribute to a person's negative self image.

I think most people fear the most actually beautiful women because they think they're "sacred". They probably feel that ordinary beauty can be used commercially (which they feel "profane"), but not extreme beauty (which they feel "sacred"). You almost never see women in extravagant dressing on movies and commercial fashion for the same reason.

 

[Yuurei]

It's kind of hard to explain. For me, it goes beyond body image. From how you describe it, she may have some level of body dysmorphia, but that is a very extreme form of negative body image and understandably her view may not be as extreme. For certain people, they have an exaggerated and distorted view on how they see themselves, specifically whatever they perceive as their flaws. And no matter what you say to them, they won't believe you and assume you are lying to them. I would constantly compare myself to others and need someone to reassure me that I wasn't how I saw myself, thinking and hoping that if they said what I perceived wasn't true, my perspective would change, but it never does and only further confirms my suspicions that they are lying to me in order to make me feel better about myself. She'd definitely need someone who can be a good friend to her, and you've definitely shown you care about her, but sometimes under more severe circumstances, a therapist would be appropriate. Does she spend a lot of her time on social media or anything that pertains to an over-glamorized self-image? The media in general has set the bar to impossible beauty standards with constant use of airbrushing and photoshopping, propagating this message that in order for people to have some form of self-worth, they need to adhere to those standards in order to be valued, especially women where, biologically speaking, physical appearance has been a higher caliber of importance in order to attract a mate in life. Can't speak for all, but what has helped me personally was focusing my attention on something that brings meaning to my life that does not merely concern myself, and diverting my attention away from superficial stuff. However, even though I still feel an enormous sense of disgust in regards to my physical appearance, I've accepted this as a fact that I will never see myself as attractive. Yet contributing something greater than myself makes me feel I've done something worthwhile that transcends the physical. So establishing her energy onto something else may help greatly. Also, she may want to look into other women as role models who have done something other than being known for their looks. It may inspire her in that direction. This will take time and effort on her part, but it's definitely possible for her to overcome her insecurities, speaking as someone who has been there and understands the toll it can take on a person's well-being.

Yep, this is definitely me. Sometimes I wont go outside because I look so bad and dammit, no one is going to tell me otherwise.

I wish I had some advice from someone who has "been there." but all I can say is no outside influence can help me and it might be the same for her.

Beauty is basically favorable psychological impact.

Body image is one's own perceived physical beauty.

So to improve one's body image, I would prove that she/he is physically beautiful, in a detailed manner.

By "detailed" I mean, I would say how her/his physical properties contribute to psychological impact.

And then I would explain he/she the psychological impact of all concrete elements of outfits, makeup, hairstyle in an abstract manner.

And then I would tell he/she how to have the most psychological impact possible, by dressing/making up/doing hair, while taking into account her/his physical properties. First to herself/himself, and then to people.

I mean, saying "you are beautiful" is not enough. Giving proof is necessary.

Yes, I have a rational approach to physical beauty and physical self-image.

Yes, take it from a dude who does not have these issues.

I wear make up, I have an impeccable sense of fashion but on many days I just feel like ridiculous. Like "Why Bother"? I just look like one of those fops covered in so much make up it just looks greasy and cakey and...gross

My husband points out my best traits but I don't believe him. Nothing is going to change my mind about my appearance.

 

[Tilt]

I used to have extreme anxiety regarding my looks to the point of crying for hours about how ugly I was but people just seemed to get annoyed at me. So, after some therapy and trying to accept people's compliments, I got better. I have gotten anywhere from "homely" to "knockout"/"stunning".

 

[StrawberryBoots]

The direction I've kind of gone with it is very solution based (which is probably not the correct way, but the most natural for me).

I think that's fine.

She's always had body issues, but a lot of her most recent qualms come from aging things (change in the way the body sets, wrinkles, ect), so I sort of try to explain why the body has changed and that those sort of changes aren't really related so much to weight gain/not exercising enough as much as it is related to changes in hormones or the general shifting in body structure.

I don't entirely agree with your conclusion. Diet, as well as sleep and exercise, affects hormones. Muscle atrophy alone can dramatically change how one looks and feels, which includes the firmness of one's skin. I'm a believer that one can have a beach body at any age, and I'd encourage her to not settle for her current physical and emotional state.

 

[Obfuscate]

I think that's fine.


I don't entirely agree with your conclusion. Diet, as well as sleep and exercise, affects hormones. Muscle atrophy alone can dramatically change how one looks and feels, which includes the firmness of one's skin. I'm a believer that one can have a beach body at any age, and I'd encourage her to not settle for her current physical and emotional state.

the phrase beach body generally makes me think of something like this initially, though i know what it means...

 

[Yuurei]

I used to have extreme anxiety regarding my looks to the point of crying for hours about how ugly I was but people just seemed to get annoyed at me. So, after some therapy and trying to accept people's compliments, I got better. I have gotten anywhere from "homely" to "knockout"/"stunning".

I have a really hard time with it because people get annoyed at and make 'simple suggestions' that wont work for me. But I've learned to just ignore it rather than explain because then they just call me negative, and difficult, unwilling to try.

For context one of my biggest ( or tiny and beadiest) issues are my eyes. Half the time you can't tell if they are open at all because I've been squinting so long that even when I am not the muscle in my eyelids are so strong they are weighed down. I tell people how much I hate my tiny eyes and they scoff " Just use eye make-up." I can't for the very same reason I can't open my eyes in the first place; I squint or blink and the stuff just gets rubbed everywhere. Even if I don't my eyes hurt ll the time so i'm gonna end up rubbing them at some point.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

My husband points out my best traits but I don't believe him. Nothing is going to change my mind about my appearance.

Yeah she's the same way. She's actually pretty constantly complimented on her appearance by others and even so her body image doesn't really improve. I'd question if the compliments from others occasionally make her dysmorphia(? It was mentioned earlier in the thread and I think that word would probably be an accurate descriptor for her) worse

I don't entirely agree with your conclusion. Diet, as well as sleep and exercise, affects hormones. Muscle atrophy alone can dramatically change how one looks and feels, which includes the firmness of one's skin. I'm a believer that one can have a beach body at any age, and I'd encourage her to not settle for her current physical and emotional state.

I see what you mean here. I definitely agree that those things do also have a huge affect on bodily appearance for sure, in her case though, she does exercise quite frequently and eats fairly well (though with her qualms about herself, sometimes less than she should/than satisfies her). Initially she had gotten angry with her whole shape change and blamed it on "lack of exercise" and even changed her diet to the point I was briefly concerned she might develop an eating disorder or something despite already being in the underweight to average weight level, which is why I focused more on changing her mindset as to why she looked the way she did. Some of it was just aging things too, for example her hips setting a bit differently.

~~~~​

I'm surprised this thread has been more active, seeing the different perspectives on the issue has actually been quite helpful to me in terms of understanding why this sort of issue persists (and recently I have also gained some personal understanding on the issue). Update wise, she's doing a little bit better than when I started the thread. She's sort of started to accept the age related changes a little bit and conceded into buying some new clothes for herself (particularly pants since that was causing the most problems), which has seemed to help a lot (though issue definitely hasn't disappeared).

 

[I Tonya]

I think this is decent enough.

Then again, I'm probs the worst person to help. I've found that my insecurities about my weight and looks have lost sensitivity through brutal women in my family. I don't know if others have been feeding her those thoughts, or its just her...which could be interpretation of her situation.

 

[Yuurei]

Yeah she's the same way. She's actually pretty constantly complimented on her appearance by others and even so her body image doesn't really improve. I'd question if the compliments from others occasionally make her dysmorphia(? It was mentioned earlier in the thread and I think that word would probably be an accurate descriptor for her) worse

~~~~​

.

Unfortunately then, this is very little anyone can do. Many people misunderstand "Dys" to mean "bad" but it has more to do with specifically "wrong" "different" or "out of order"

So the "Dys" In dysmorphia means that a person feels they are in the wrong body.

It doesn't matter if that body is objectively "good" or "Bad". You can tell someone with dysmorphia that they "Look good." but even if you can convince them of this ( good luck with that) it wont matter. She could look like a model and it would not matter because she feels like it is not her body.
It isn't how she is meant to look. She is walking around in a shell that she does not feel represent her as a person.
Does this make any sense?

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I feel much sexier clothed. I feel as if my naked body is worse than what people might expect it to be, and I can be kinda anxious/shy about that, especially certain areas/positions. I've always felt this way and probably have ugly duckling syndrome. People genuinely complimenting me feels reassuring, but that doesn't change the psychology of my relationship with my body.

 

[StrawberryBoots]

Folks, real or imagined, your poor body image is probably a blessing in disguise, so embrace your granny panties and your baggy jeans. For those who attain the perfect body and flaunt it, there’s a hard lesson to be learned in an irony that I’d liken to a lonely rich man realizing his money will neither buy him true love, nor real friends.

I think if one doesn’t have realistic expectations and a realistic view of themselves to begin with, a superficial effort to attain physical perfection will likely render an unrewarding and unfulfilling outcome that’s as disappointing and superficial as the people one will likely attract.

 

[Yuurei]

Folks, real or imagined, your poor body image is probably a blessing in disguise, so embrace your granny panties and your baggy jeans. For those who attain the perfect body and flaunt it, there’s a hard lesson to be learned in an irony that I’d liken to a lonely rich man realizing his money will neither buy him true love, nor real friends.

I think if one doesn’t have realistic expectations and a realistic view of themselves to begin with, a superficial effort to attain physical perfection will likely render an unrewarding and unfulfilling outcome that’s as disappointing and superficial as the people one will likely attract.

With all due respect-No. Stop right there.

First of all, I do not wear granny panties or baggy jeans. I am stylish AF.

Secondly, e are not talking about "poor image". We aren't talking about "perfection" we are talking about looking even half-decent, feeling like we can't show our( so called faces) We are discussing dismorphia.

It is not just " I look bad." It is "I do not feel like myself in this body." " I hate this body, my entire existence is a lie." It is about being left out of SO MANY things that most other people just take for granted-which is why they think it is no big deal or a "Blessing."

I love conventions, I love to cosplay, or I would. While all of the average to gorgeous people hang out together and professional photos or videos taken I am terrified and wishing Ii'd just hid in my hotel room. If someone laughs at anything in my direction I assume they are laughing at my appearance ( sometimes they are) I have actuallyhad kids take one look at me and say to their Mothers out loud "I don't like that girl. Make her leave,"
People are always sharing their stories and adventures in photos and I can't. I am not in my families photo album. I wonder if people will even know I existed in a generation two. Speaking of which Family photos ( and then DMV) time makes me as nervous as going to the dentist after a decade without doing so.

I don't have the time to list every single thing that you miss out on but it is A LOT and it is far from a blessing.

I will say the ONE plus is that I know my husband loves me truly for me.