Krayfish Questionnaire

[Norrsken]

Decided to join in on the hot trend of answering Krayfish's new questionnaire.

1) Context:
a) What is your age range and general location (Country so that cultural values can be taken into account)? Do you have any impairments that may affect the way that you answer this questionnaire? Any religious or political beliefs (or anything else along those lines) that also might have an effect?

Mid-20s, United States. I have severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and C-PTSD with severe dissociative traits. I am a democrat and a Christian, so make that of what you will.

b) Which types are you currently considering? Why are you considering them and why haven’t you decided on one?

ENFJ, INFJ, ISFJ, ISFP, INFP. I'm considering them based on my observations of myself over the past several months and combining them with my own private research, and I haven't decided on one because of traumatic events this year is skewing my understanding of just about.. well, everything in life right now.

2) What do you deem as your purpose in life?

My suffering has to mean something. It is the central theme of my life since I was born, so I think I was supposed to be a healer of sort or to help the world through my own teachings or set of beliefs or through the example of my traumatic experiences. I always think of my existence as.. really not just something I own by myself, but as an extension of other people as well. I'm not saying that I am the secondary person in people's stories, in fact I do think of myself as a very distorted main character in a story that happened to touch other people's lives in some way. I hope that I can create something out of nothing. I do feel that I am nothing, but.. maybe I can take something out of me and leave some kind of legacy behind. Whatever that may be.

3) Of the seven deadly sins, which one(s) do you relate to the most and the least and why?

The most: Envy. I don't like admitting this, but it's true. I like to perceive myself as totally laid back and celebratory of other people and their strengths, successes, and so on. But because I feel so distorted and just.. like I was never good or like I'm as stable or normal or "good" or as loved, I get jealous of people who seem to have it all or keep themselves together in one piece. Growing up, I always lack something. I lacked friends, I lacked attention from my parents, I lacked the appearance or the social skills, I lacked the mental stability to attain good grades at school, and so on. Everyone seemed to go through life pretty easily, even the ones who seem to have a rough home life seem to have their places in the world.. and I didn't. I still don't. I don't feel like I will ever truly belong anywhere or with anyone. I feel so incompetent and replaceable.. even ignored. That or I am placed on a pedestal by sick people who only want something from me. Then I'm kicked off the pedestal once they're done with me.

The least: Wrath. I don't like being angry.. in fact, anger and rage and wrath and all of those feelings scare me. I don't like seeing people getting roused to anger. I don't know if that's trauma related or not, but I detest conflict in general. I'd rather things be easy between me and life/people. If someone tries to fight me, I have a tendency to shrink back and retreat. I do fight back out of pettiness by using passive-aggression or just all out meltdown rage mode that isn't really what I am usually. I usually feel guilty after screaming at someone, and I don't scream at people usually.. like, once a year, if that.

4) Analyzing your relationships with others, briefly describe:
a) The type of people you are drawn to

Troubled souls. People who seem wounded. On the flip side, I enjoy people who are very out there, spontaneous, loud, and animated. Lyrical souls. People who can push me to do things and get me out of my shell because otherwise I just lay there and let life pass me by forever. I really love people I can get into seductively intimate and intense conversations with. Small talk is awkward for me, but when someone merges with me through difficult discussions, I become curious and relieved at the same time.

b) The type of people who are drawn to you

I'd say all kinds of people. Weirdly enough, though, the ones who really seem keen on me are usually the harsher variety of people.. I don't know how to explain it without sounding offensive, but.. People who are rough around the edges, whatever that might mean, seem to have a soft spot for me. I really don't know why, though.

c) The type of people you are repulsed by

Ignorant, pig-headed, close-minded, shallow, dull, "take life one day at a time", "I'm going to go and do all kinds of crazy impulsive shit because yolo lol", mean spirited, hypocritical, shit-stirring, callous jerks who take pleasure in causing harm and chaos all around.

5)What are the traits in others that you admire but you cannot emulate yourself? Elaborate.

People who are grounded and practical. Who can just live life without having so many questions in their heads.. like they can just enjoy life for what it is. I can't do that.
People who have so so so many friends, and acquaintances, and lovers, and opportunities, and general respect. I guess some people do like me, but.. I don't know. It takes a lot for me to have someone think about me.. and I can't really keep up with so many people after a while. I get so tired and then I want to be a recluse. I don't hate people.. I just really really love my mind when it's no longer cracked under the pressure of living "the daily life".. keeping up with the Jones.. with the bills.. with work meetings.. with who just had a baby and who just got promoted.. celebrity gossip.. dates and calendars and time.. all of that just seem so fuzzy and uninteresting to me.
People who can keep cool under pressure, and whom do not waver in highly emotional situations.

6) Describe your relationship with the following:
a) Anger

I don't like it. It really frightens me. I don't like that even with healthy anger, I risk ruining a deep bond I may have cultivated with someone special. So I keep it brewing underneath me.. boiling me alive.

b) Shame

I have a lot of shame. I feel like I'm a really late bloomer, and like I thrive off of being so lazy and unproductive. Living with my parents again when I'm nearing my 30s isn't really helping me, either. I feel ashamed of how I look, or that I sometimes don't have the energy or even the desire to perform for other people.. by being, I guess, light hearted? Social? Sometimes I go to a place and if I see someone I know, I pray I don't have to stop and talk. Or to even be recognized. Sometimes I wish I can just wake up and face a world all by myself.. do the things I have to do without anyone around me. Even strangers.

c) Fear

A big central part of my life. My parents taught me to be afraid of everything and everyone, and sadly, I'm doing all the work to undo all the damage. Despite them trying to control me while I was young, though.. I did try to live my life in secret. See or talk to friends offline and online in secret. Love someone in secret. If my parents found out, of course I'll bring the person at home so that they'll know who it is, but.. I never share myself to my parents. I think I may have destroyed our relationship as mother and daughter and father and daughter because of my secrecy. I don't know.

d) Love/passion

What I always want, but can never have. I think I'll die alone.. and maybe that's okay.

e) Conflict

I'll take this in another angle to pertain to myself: Self conflict, which I have a lot of. I am always fighting with myself, and I am my own worst enemy. I stop myself before others can stop myself. I hate myself, and then I wonder why. I love myself, and then I am reminded of how or where I fall short. I want to be there for someone, but then become resentful when they put all of themselves on top of me, and then I have to get away to breathe easy again. And then I feel hurt when they get away from me, because I'm a bad person for not caring enough. But I do care! I just.. I just don't have as much energy to out pour myself until I crumble to dust.

7) What are some of the themes that have played a prominent role in your life (ie. A struggle you’ve been unable to conquer, ect)?

That sense of never belonging. Of just seeming so different and evil and unwanted. Things are getting better.. people are showing me love and care when I have been without it for close to 30 years.. but it's still hard. I still ask myself what's in it for them. I still ask myself how long will this be good for, until they have to move on and leave me behind? I still ask myself, could I ever repay them back in some way? I still ask myself.. will I stay cured, or will I fall back down on myself in my own self destruction? I try to stay away from shopping and eating sweets and so on because of that.. because when they come up, I just can't stop myself: I go overboard. Every time.

8) Answer only one of the following:
a) [College aged and above] What is your area of work/study? Why did you choose this and would you change it? If so, what would be your ideal?

I'm going back to school, for computer animation and web design. I've always been the artsy child, growing up. I chose this because I'm done with running away from who I am as a person, and what I am meant to do in this lifetime. I wouldn't change it, except maybe how people might perceive it. Art doesn't have the respect it deserves, sadly.

9) When meeting a new person, what do you tend to focus on?

Their secret selves. The hidden selves. The faces they don't show. Their idiosyncrasy. Just one movement of their eyes, tells me everything: Who they are, their inner pains, and why they are telling me what they are telling me. I can read people like a book, but I don't tell them this. I love when people open up to me.. I can drink their souls in, and breathe their sorrows into me. Their choice of words.

10) How do you feel about humanity as a whole? What do you feel are some of the biggest problems the human race faces and why?

We do not focus enough on humanity. Therefore, soon, humanity will cease to exist.

11) What are some of your hobbies and interests?

Fictional writing. Digital art/drawing. Reading. Watching movies. Walking and exploring through natural routes. Traveling. Observing different cultures and modes of living. Religion and spirituality. New ageism. Philosophy. Psychology, especially abnormal. Urban exploration.

13) How do you usually “hang out” with your friend(s)? When answering, think about what activities you tend to choose, whether you hang out with one person at once or many, whether or not you initiate the interaction.

I really don't care if it's one or many as long as the vibe is relaxed and there's no conflict or "outsiders" making me feel bad about myself in some way, shape, or form. Activity wise, I really don't care, but if I could choose.. would love to sit somewhere and just observe something gorgeous, like the starry night sky, while we ask each other, what if?

14) What is more important, actions or words? Why?

Though logically actions is more important.. I can't help but feel strongly for words. I am such a fool because of this.

15) Oh dear, you’ve been cursed by a witch! It’s ok though, you get a choice on which curse you will receive. Will you choose….

c) To lose your memories

Because of my dissociations, I have been losing a lot of my memories. And although it was kind of concerning before.. I have a sort of.. comfort knowing that I don't remember much of what has happened before. Because memories? They hurt. They either hurt because it was bad, or they hurt because it was good and it will never be again. So I'd rather just forget, and run from what was and towards what could be. I still think back, though, just to see why they happened, and what could have they turned out differently.

16) What do you hope to avoid being? If it helps, describe a person who embodies what you avoid/you as a villain, ect.

I hope to never lose my mind. My imagination, my inner guide, whatever you want to call it.. I hope I never lose it.

17) How do you relate to obsession? Do you tend to "merge" with others or your interests? How do you feel about the idea of doing this?

I don't like admitting to this, but yes, I do obsess. If I fall for someone, I want to know every little tiny speck of them, to the point of being uncomfortable with what I might find. I want to merge with them, sinking until our flesh and life are one, but I know how easily unhealthy that might become.

18) Organized or messy? Plans and blueprints or impulse and surprises? What are you preferences and tendencies?

My idea of organize is unique. I would make sure things are put in their place.. but then something in secret might be a mess, and I just don't care. I really don't care about color coordinating shit, but I can appreciate a clean open space where everything is put away nicely. I go through life with knowing what I should be doing, and I'm not one for abrupt surprises or change of plans.. if anything, that makes me kind of annoyed. Unless it's like a really nice surprise, then.. then I don't mind, and it feels good. I seem to always do the same shit and don't mind it, but when a change occurs that helps me to be able to take a break, either from work or a pause in my autopilot mode.. it's actually really nice. I don't know how to explain it.

19) How do you subjectively view comfort and how do you create comfort in your life and surroundings?

I don't know because even though I like comfort, I'm not good at it. I complain about being cold, then get scolded because I forgot to put on socks. I wasn't even aware of it until someone points it out to me. I'd be moody because I haven't eaten anything in more than 3-4 hours, until someone points it out to me again, and I'd be stubborn about it until I take a bite of something and realize they were right. So, I'm trying to learn to be more aware of this issue I have, and it's working great so far.

 

[Luminous]

You're lovely, Pluvio.

I think INFJ is right... you seem really Fe and inferior Se, introverted and inclined toward intuition and feeling. sx/sp. The 9 and the 4 seem obvious, that leaves 5, 6, or 7. I'm thinking 6 because of the doubting and questioning and general feeling of anxiety. The 9 and the 4 both seem very strong. I'm inclined to go with 4 over 9 just because it feels stronger, but I think 9 could easily be your core?

It seems you did an excellent job of typing yourself.

 

[Norrsken]

You're lovely, Pluvio.

I think INFJ is right... you seem really Fe and inferior Se, introverted and inclined toward intuition and feeling. sx/sp. The 9 and the 4 seem obvious, that leaves 5, 6, or 7. I'm thinking 6 because of the doubting and questioning and general feeling of anxiety. The 9 and the 4 both seem very strong. I'm inclined to go with 4 over 9 just because it feels stronger, but I think 9 could easily be your core?

It seems you did an excellent job of typing yourself.

I'm just having trouble accepting 4-core for myself, because of how people behave when they are a 4-core.. So easily bitter and full of themselves and putting others down because they aren't as edgy or as unique as they are. That line of thinking leaves a distaste in my mouth. I used to be like that when I was younger, though.. so I would hate to think that I am still like that.

But, idk, do you suppose I am, after all? And if so, why?

 

[Luminous]

I'm just having trouble accepting 4-core for myself, because of how people behave when they are a 4-core.. So easily bitter and full of themselves and putting others down because they aren't as edgy or as unique as they are. That line of thinking leaves a distaste in my mouth. I used to be like that when I was younger, though.. so I would hate to think that I am still like that.

But, idk, do you suppose I am, after all? And if so, why?

They both seem quite strong, so if you feel more of a 9, I'd go with that. Maybe someone else will have more insight.

A healthy 4 probably wouldn't exhibit the attitude you describe...

 

[Pionart]

I do believe you're an INFJ.

 

[senza tema]

I wanted to lay out some of my reasoning for why I think you're either 278 or 268.

Your core type seems pretty clearly to be 2w3 sx/so. Statements like "My suffering has to mean something. It is the central theme of my life since I was born, so I think I was supposed to be a healer of sort or to help the world through my own teachings or set of beliefs or through the example of my traumatic experiences" point pretty clearly to 2. There's a strong focus here on being helpful in order to derive meaning and personhood. It's just not couched in the language of traditional mothering and happy domesticity that people associate with 2s. Just because the word suffering shows up in someone's questionnaire doesn't mean they're 4s (but you already know that so I won't belabor the point.) I just don't see you retreating into your mental landscape of hazy fantasies when you're disappointed by life, which is the 4 move.

sx 2 makes for a very intense, very seductive type that puts a high premium on romantic intensity—or romance-adjacent intimacy in platonic friendships—and is very preoccupied with being desirable. It is legitimately easy to confuse that with 4s who also worry about being unlovable but 4s are much more likely to feel some amount of shame for desiring the social ideal of romantic love and end up sneering and being edgelords about it or rejecting it very vocally or just dressing it down with self-deprecating humor. 2s tend to be more outwardly honest about what they want because they're less conflicted about it being a good thing to want and I think I see this in you.

2w3s are solidly in the Heart Triad, therefore they will be more good-humored and social than 2w1s. They will be more driven by their feelings (often unconscious) and the feelings of others. 2w3s seek security by trying to foster as many relationships as possible and by supporting those they love. Because they are innately more social, they have more socially pleasing manners than 2w1s—they are charismatic, alluring, chatty, versatile, adventurous, and generally pleasant to be around. They want to offer all their good qualities and advice to others. It makes them feel good to give wholeheartedly of themselves and they do so to advance the experiences and lives of those they care about.

I like this for you.

....

The 8 is considerably more difficult for me to articulate. Here I am just going off of vibes. I know you say you feel uncomfortable with anger and I think 2's desire for relationships to be harmonious and loving is at play here but I have also seen you on the warpath on here and it doesn't have that constantly visible but almost explosive frustration that's typical of 1s ... or the hesitation/blocked from even very angry 9s ... you haven't apologized for being angry and acting in anger from what I can tell and there's a sort of lack of discomfort with reaching for the metaphorical nuclear option plus a lack of social smoothness that I would expect from a 9-fixed core 2 FJ. I also haven't seen you step in to try to make peace between two different parties embroiled in a conflict on here, which I would expect to some degree from someone as engaging as you if you were 9-fixed.

I don't think you're a 9 or a 1 which leaves 8 as the remaining option.

...

Head type I am least sure of. I could see either 6w7 or 7w6. I thought 7w6 last night ... this morning I am not so sure. 6w7 looks good too, especially since 268 tritype has the wounded healer vibe. These descriptions might be helpful in choosing?

268
The Rescuer

Interest:
– feeling safe and secure
– helping and protecting others; attracted to the noble cause
– challenge what is unjust

Mission:
– track the needs of the vulnerable and take action on their behalf

Character:
– direct
– caring
– protective
– dutiful
– frustrated
– be in charge
– break rules
– people skills
– giver
– no deep connection to true self
– sacrificial
– loyal
– rescuer
– supportive
– dynamic
– possessive
– domineering
– powerful
– reactive
– ‘explosive’
– controlling

Blind spot:
– so identified with the pride of knowing how to help others -> give unsolicited advice or meddle in the affairs of others

Fears:
– fear itself
– danger, uncertainty
– being alone
– cowardice
– being controlled
– being needy

and

278
The Free Spirit
The Humanitarian

Interest:
– pleasing and protecting others
– being free, positive and upbeat

Mission:
– be an instrument of change, transforming difficult situations into moments of inspiration

Character:
– caring
– innovative
– people-oriented
– gentle
– helpful
– outgoing
– confident
– power-seeking
– positive
– fun
– charming
– enthusiastic
– joyful
– exuberant
– funny
– charming
– sunny
– action oriented
– upbeat
– nurturing
– free spirit
– honest
– busy
– big hearted
– magnanimous, generous
– sacrificial
– protector
– focused
– innovative
– assertive
– non-conforming
– sensitive to the needs of others
– humanitarians
– excess
– pride
– defensive
– compassionate
– arrogant

Blind spot:
– so focused on keeping everything positive and honest -> be too aggressive when things go wrong
– fail to recognize and avoid the importance of difficult emotions

 

[Norrsken]

[MENTION=23222]senza tema[/MENTION] I'm pretty sure I'm 278 over 268 going by those.