justpondering
New member
- Joined
- May 17, 2013
- Messages
- 0
- MBTI Type
- nf
- Enneagram
- 4
Up until sophomore year in college..
I use to be happy, and have a really good head on my shoulder. good friends, involved in sports, some intense romance, enjoyed running, good grades, good career goal. I was a conversationalist, understanding, nonjudgmental, independent-thinker, compassionate, open-minded because I was passionate for people, relationships, myself, and science. Most of my friends and family called me quirky/eccentric but in a good way. I always took it as a compliment. I got some of the best reviews in my science teaching/tutoring jobs because I enjoyed getting to know people, and create funny/relatable analogies to inspire, and motivate others.
Now as I am entering senior year and this past junior year in college...
I feel like I have faded from myself and I don't know why. Sometimes I have good moments when hanging out with friends or family( maybe one day out of the week) but most of the time I am either watching the oc, greys anatomy(from what it seems like an escape from reality), yelling at my family, drowning in self-pity, not understanding why no one gets me anymore, feeling on edge around most friends/family that use to get me, very critical of others, feeling like I just don't want to go out but yet not knowing what to do other than just stare at the wall. I am so apathetic and really don't care much about anyone or anything anymore (complete 180!!). I AM pissed at myself for am doing this. Seriously, If I was looking at me as an outsider, i would say just suck it up , go out, continue to work hard, you are about to start work in june so you will have something to do then. But then I always go back and say what can't I relax and enjoy my time off? and its okay if my old friends don't get me anymore( maybe I have changed or they have changed and if either is the case, thats ok right? isn't that just growing up? ...) It literally sounds so silly to me I am feeling like this but regardless my feelings/thoughts are overwhelming me and its like I don't know how to express or if I really want to because they are such bad thoughts and illogical that I don't know where to start to get ahold of myself, graduate, become independent, stable, and make some career choices when I am confused about who I am.
so this is what I have tried to do to correct whatever this is...
therapy- felt like i was thinking in circles- never got to a solution
medication for anxiety that failed
talking to my mom- ended up in fights
talking to my best friends- some acted like they didn't care whatsoever and thought I was just complaining so then I was just embarrassed of what I just said to them ( I am very sensitive which I hate about myself) so I felt needed to suck it up and forced me to go into an even more internal battle or nervous to express my confusing feelings of depression/anxiety/ not understanding why i didn't want to do what I always use to wanted to do-( be a doctor, physician assistant, or professor )
medication for depression that failed
therapy- starting to work a little. My therapist seems to think I need to kinder to myself. hears my passion too so I don't know why I still just don't anymore or at least to the extent I use to...
reading how to heal your life by louise hay- read a couple pages... got bored. maybe ill continue...
looking into a gap year( maybe travel/ teachers for america) once I graduate
Regardless of what I have tried to do, I still have more bad days than good days...( I really do feel bad for complaining because I know so many people are dealing with much worst)... but I can't stop dwelling on why I have changed my attitude, passion into such an apathetic personality type around people... Any other enfp's ( i also may be an infp or infj- because I use to be able to stay in the library for 10 plus hours to study and concentrate for chemistry/ biochemistry exams- but that may be just because it was my old passion and motivation and also enjoyed routine lifestyle of work hard-play hard) that have felt like this? I know I can't just drown in my self-pity.. and i am not whatsoever living up to my potential by doing that... I may need some positive reinforcement ...or maybe I am just waiting around for something to spice up my life... who knows? I am just not sure....
I use to be happy, and have a really good head on my shoulder. good friends, involved in sports, some intense romance, enjoyed running, good grades, good career goal. I was a conversationalist, understanding, nonjudgmental, independent-thinker, compassionate, open-minded because I was passionate for people, relationships, myself, and science. Most of my friends and family called me quirky/eccentric but in a good way. I always took it as a compliment. I got some of the best reviews in my science teaching/tutoring jobs because I enjoyed getting to know people, and create funny/relatable analogies to inspire, and motivate others.
Now as I am entering senior year and this past junior year in college...
I feel like I have faded from myself and I don't know why. Sometimes I have good moments when hanging out with friends or family( maybe one day out of the week) but most of the time I am either watching the oc, greys anatomy(from what it seems like an escape from reality), yelling at my family, drowning in self-pity, not understanding why no one gets me anymore, feeling on edge around most friends/family that use to get me, very critical of others, feeling like I just don't want to go out but yet not knowing what to do other than just stare at the wall. I am so apathetic and really don't care much about anyone or anything anymore (complete 180!!). I AM pissed at myself for am doing this. Seriously, If I was looking at me as an outsider, i would say just suck it up , go out, continue to work hard, you are about to start work in june so you will have something to do then. But then I always go back and say what can't I relax and enjoy my time off? and its okay if my old friends don't get me anymore( maybe I have changed or they have changed and if either is the case, thats ok right? isn't that just growing up? ...) It literally sounds so silly to me I am feeling like this but regardless my feelings/thoughts are overwhelming me and its like I don't know how to express or if I really want to because they are such bad thoughts and illogical that I don't know where to start to get ahold of myself, graduate, become independent, stable, and make some career choices when I am confused about who I am.
so this is what I have tried to do to correct whatever this is...
therapy- felt like i was thinking in circles- never got to a solution
medication for anxiety that failed
talking to my mom- ended up in fights
talking to my best friends- some acted like they didn't care whatsoever and thought I was just complaining so then I was just embarrassed of what I just said to them ( I am very sensitive which I hate about myself) so I felt needed to suck it up and forced me to go into an even more internal battle or nervous to express my confusing feelings of depression/anxiety/ not understanding why i didn't want to do what I always use to wanted to do-( be a doctor, physician assistant, or professor )
medication for depression that failed
therapy- starting to work a little. My therapist seems to think I need to kinder to myself. hears my passion too so I don't know why I still just don't anymore or at least to the extent I use to...
reading how to heal your life by louise hay- read a couple pages... got bored. maybe ill continue...
looking into a gap year( maybe travel/ teachers for america) once I graduate
Regardless of what I have tried to do, I still have more bad days than good days...( I really do feel bad for complaining because I know so many people are dealing with much worst)... but I can't stop dwelling on why I have changed my attitude, passion into such an apathetic personality type around people... Any other enfp's ( i also may be an infp or infj- because I use to be able to stay in the library for 10 plus hours to study and concentrate for chemistry/ biochemistry exams- but that may be just because it was my old passion and motivation and also enjoyed routine lifestyle of work hard-play hard) that have felt like this? I know I can't just drown in my self-pity.. and i am not whatsoever living up to my potential by doing that... I may need some positive reinforcement ...or maybe I am just waiting around for something to spice up my life... who knows? I am just not sure....
