[MBTI General] ISTP/INFP Relationship

[seamaid]

It sounds like he's something really special to you, given the fact that he's making you "completely CRAZY", which as an ISTP I'm sure is a state of mind that is highly foreign to you. The voicemails, the extreme sensitivity to his thoughts/feelings, the slight obsessiveness ... none of that really sounds like typical ISTP behavior, even in a relationship. You guys are usually cool as a cucumber. Of course you are a female ISTP, and you've had sex with him, so gotta take that into consideration...

Your feelings for him must be overwhelming you, just as you say, and usually when T's encounter feelings, they try their best to shove them under a rug until they feel they've gotten it under control. And you must be feeling so OUT of control that I am actually surprised you haven't tried to break it off with him. I think you putting those disclaimers out there is basically you setting boundaries, so you know what to expect from him, even if it is nothing. As long as you "don't expect" anything from him, he can't hurt you... you'll have second-guessed that potential out of him.

He senses that he's driving you crazy at a very transitional point in your life, and because he cares for you, he wants to do whatever it takes to make sure you are on the right path for yourself and not overly distracted. INFPs are very loyal and devoted, so if he genuinely likes you, he'll wait and stick around until things are smoother sailing for a relationship.

INFPs and ISTPs do have great chemistry, and get along quite well together whether it's in bed, getting each other's humor, being attentive, appreciating each other's space/alone time, or enjoying new experiences together. No wonder you're crazy about him! I'm happy to hear that you are sharing how you feel about him TO him. INFPs pretty much can't get enough of verbal affirmations (or even just anything feeling-related), from somebody they truly like back.

If they're not as into the other person, then excessive doting and mushy feeling-talk will make them feel smothered. My hunch is he doesn't feel smothered by you--he probably thinks your gushy voicemails to be very cute and endearing. Especially if he really cares about you AND he knows you're not usually like that at all. It could make the relationship all the more special to him.

Anyway, I don't think you have anything to worry about; it sounds like things are gong pretty well! Hope this helps illuminate things a little!

 

[jo savage]

seamaid, thanks for your help. I actually just signed on to delete what I posted last night, but your feedback has a great calming effect. I've been able to stop thinking about all of this and I feel like myself again, which I suppose is the result of being able to get it out and look at the situation objectively. So everything is good, merci beaucoup. With your take on the situation, I think I've got it under control.

 

[phoenity]

seamaid, thanks for your help. I actually just signed on to delete what I posted last night, but your feedback has a great calming effect. I've been able to stop thinking about all of this and I feel like myself again, which I suppose is the result of being able to get it out and look at the situation objectively. So everything is good, merci beaucoup. With your take on the situation, I think I've got it under control.

We never have it under control when it comes to feelings. That's why we write the way we do, and then come back later wanting to delete everything we said, because we can't even believe it ourselves.

I see the fleetness of my feelings as both a blessing and a curse.

Good luck

 

[jo savage]

We never have it under control when it comes to feelings. That's why we write the way we do, and then come back later wanting to delete everything we said, because we can't even believe it ourselves.

I see the fleetness of my feelings as both a blessing and a curse.

Good luck

I'm trying to prove something to myself by not deleting it. Not really sure what I'm trying to prove. The fleetness of our feelings is wonderful because if something hurts we can fix it quick. Do other personality types have this ability? or are we alone in this area?

 

[phoenity]

I'm trying to prove something to myself by not deleting it. Not really sure what I'm trying to prove. The fleetness of our feelings is wonderful because if something hurts we can fix it quick. Do other personality types have this ability? or are we alone in this area?

And how do we go about "fixing" it?

The way I fix things is to think about what is broken and repair it. If I can't repair it, I throw it away and get a new one, or just forget about it altogether. If I can't even see what is broken, then I'm really fucked, and I have to get away.

So when it comes to feelings, fleetness is a wonderful thing because we can easily make ourselves stop hurting by just throwing away our feelings, rationalizing ourselves out of the pain of irrationality.

But what really ends up happening is we never really fix anything, we just make it go away temporarily so we can get on with our lives in this moment. Yet the coals from that fire are always still smoldering deep down somewhere.

And that's the curse.


You've got the right idea. Prove something to yourself by not deleting your feelings. Realize that you wrote this, so there must be some validity to it, even if you aren't experiencing those feelings the same way, in the same intensity, at this moment in time.

 

[jo savage]

So when it comes to feelings, fleetness is a wonderful thing because we can easily make ourselves stop hurting by just throwing away our feelings, rationalizing ourselves out of the pain of irrationality.

But what really ends up happening is we never really fix anything, we just make it go away temporarily so we can get on with our lives in this moment. Yet the coals are always still burning deep down somewhere.

And that's the curse.

Ahh, yes, I suppose I've just been ignoring that "forget about it" tendency. So that's what that smouldering is.

 

[seamaid]

Hey Jo,

I wanted to add a couple more things after reading your original post more carefully.

Is it possible he could've been hurt by previous relationships and that might explain why he's acting super-wary? This makes new romantic situations with ISTPs a little tricky because then we're BOTH reserved, and we BOTH have walls up. He might have some hidden concerns he has not completely voiced to you yet. INFPs can be secretly insecure. Just like you might want from him, try your best to show that he can trust you.

Speaking for myself, I think if an INFP really doesn't want somebody's attention, they will immediately be avoidant and simply never make the first move. Why wake a sleeping bear? The fact that he's actually texting you first (even if it's not a lot of words) is a positive sign.

Lastly, it's great that you're feeling calmer! I know he's on your mind a lot, and that it's extremely disconcerting, but just take a deep breath and trust. Good for you that you're making him contact you first! (He should at least try to get the hang of it.) And you can contact him too... believe me, he'll really appreciate it, but don't 'shock and awe' him with your feelings. Don't go overboard. That applies to all females, regardless of type. You do not want to come off as powerless, needy, clingy, or desperate.

My INFP dad rarely rarely calls me, but he does sometimes, and when he doesn't, I still know that he really cares. I think he's just really passive or something. That is just the way he is. And I am that way too. My friends always end up calling me. It doesn't mean I don't care about them as much, because I'm always ecstatic to hear from them and drop everything to hear what they have to say. So focus on what you DO have with him. It might not be cookie-cutter perfect, but you guys are individuals, and you have to find what works naturally for both of you.



And here's an idea... instead of writing him overwhelming words... why not create mix-tapes for him? That way, he can read into them as much or as little as he wishes. They're both personal and impersonal enough (and cheap) that you're not giving yourself away TOO much.

 

[Unique]

And how do we go about "fixing" it?

The way I fix things is to think about what is broken and repair it. If I can't repair it, I throw it away and get a new one, or just forget about it altogether. If I can't even see what is broken, then I'm really fucked, and I have to get away.

So when it comes to feelings, fleetness is a wonderful thing because we can easily make ourselves stop hurting by just throwing away our feelings, rationalizing ourselves out of the pain of irrationality.

But what really ends up happening is we never really fix anything, we just make it go away temporarily so we can get on with our lives in this moment. Yet the coals from that fire are always still smoldering deep down somewhere.

And that's the curse.


You've got the right idea. Prove something to yourself by not deleting your feelings. Realize that you wrote this, so there must be some validity to it, even if you aren't experiencing those feelings the same way, in the same intensity, at this moment in time.

Indeed they are... to others we appear emotionless, the emotions are there just hidden away somewhere, heck sometimes we even lose them for a while but they find a way to crop themselves up inappropriately usually... ha funny she should say that though cause I felt like deleting my post as well

 

[jo savage]

Seamaid, Thanks for making everything so easy to understand! Hah, I think things have definitely started to slow down for me, but I was still thinking about how unclear somethings seem. The mix tape idea is fantastic. I usually find myself sending people parts of song lyrics because I struggle with producing the correct words myself, and this gives him something concrete rather than a texty email. You rock.

 

[jo savage]

This is not typed in a mean spirited manner, but I would like not discussing my thing anymore. Someone else please change the topic.

 

[Kingfisher]

i just wanted to say, i really agree with what phoenity said, a lot.


from the ISTPs i know, i think ISTPs have a great ability develop a very solid and secure identity for ourselves that is very comfortable to us. i think we do tend to stuff down and push away difficult feelings, but i really agree that being aware those feelings are coming from us is key. i think that sometimes feelings are uncomfortable for me just because they challenege my identity - i mean, they start to break down this unshakeable fortress of an identity i've built for myself.

You've got the right idea. Prove something to yourself by not deleting your feelings. Realize that you wrote this, so there must be some validity to it, even if you aren't experiencing those feelings the same way, in the same intensity, at this moment in time.

 

[Bamboo]

INFPs:
Fun to be with, they like to talk to me (or sometimes just at me) - they like having a listener, warm hearted. I think they are pretty easy to read.

I love em to death because they are really kind, genuine people, but they make some of the worst, self-destructive decisions. It's like they see that they are in a horrible situation...but just stay there because to get out of the situation would require confrontation and conflict. They can't see past that - it's so hard to show them: once you get past that pain, things will be better.

Incredibly frustrating to watch them hurt themselves, because it makes so little sense to me to not remove yourself and/or confront something that is hurting you.

 

[Twixt]

I know in my type thing on the left it says Im an INTP, but recently Ive been testing as an ISTP. So i thought i'd give my 2 cents worth:

One of my BEST friends is INFP. Love her to bits, pieces, toes and etc. Granted, when we first became best friends, I was an ENFP. Im fairly certain that had something to do with how well we got along. I think after a certain point, once both sides of any type acknowledge and decide and agree that this is a relationship we greatly value, then both will put in the necessary effort to keep the relationship alive and well.

My impression of her: v GENUINELY CARING, thoughtful, loving, kind, morally upright, sticks by her life principles (sometimes quite amusing for me to laugh at haha, in a way that we both understand to be jokingly of course), the best listener ive come across in my life probably, tries to help me with my problems to the best of her ability (which i really, really appreciate). Sometimes I do think shes quite idealistic but of course I love her for that and thats just who she is. Besides, its fun to tease her about hehe

Well i think ISTPs can come across to INFPs as rude, crass, INCONSIDERATE ABOUT OTHERS' FEELINGS, apathetic to an annoying degree, emotionally stupid! (haha), closed, distant, only communicates certain things that the ISTP feels he/she wants to, which may not always be what the INFP wants. but generally i find that INFPs are quite accepting -- once the ISTP has communicated or made it clear that he/she means well, has good intentions/heart etc.

 

[Mempy]

I met an ISTP once, who knew he was an ISTP. He wasn't what you would expect an ISTP to be. He was very friendly, receptive, and sweet. (I'm sorry, ISTPs. It's nothing personal, it's just that I would intuitively expect an ISTP to not be as skilled socially or as friendly as this chap was.) He had a quiet, shuffling laugh, and he laughed often. Smiled often, too. But he was definitely introverted. He was just warm, or at least that was my impression.

 

[jo savage]

A short meeting with us is ideal. I can charm the shoes off of anyone, provided they aren't exposed to me for too long. It's almost like flirting; I can vaguely guess what they want and give it to them. They want a shy-used-to-being-huddled-between-stacks-of-books girl? No problem. Or a spitfire vixen? No problem. The problem for me only arises when I have to be around them for an extended period of time, because then I can't read them, at all, and I fail at guessing what they "want."

 

[Snuggletron]

I want you long time.

 

[SillySapienne]

I have had a serious relationship with an ISTP, on and off, for nine years.

I also have two sisters, an INFP, and an ESTJ.

My ISTP thinks my INFP sister is sweet, but "boring".

Whereas my ISTP needs to go out driving his bike in the Congo to feel "alive", my INFP sister is perfectly content sitting at home, or walking on the street adventuring the mean streets of herself in order to feel alive.

My ISTP absolutely admires my ESTJ sister and often times alludes to, or flat-out tells me that I should be more like her, that the world has enough pussies like me. (I know, isn't he charming?!!?)

But, he does say that he would never be truly attracted to my ESTJ sister because she is too hard and doesn't have a soft kitty side like me.

To get all typological on this, my Fi and his Ti tend to not get along like two peas in a pod, and often times are at each others throats.

My INFP sister would never be down for a guy like him, because she likes and gravitates towards men who are innately sensitive, which he most certainly is not.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

A short meeting with us is ideal. I can charm the shoes off of anyone, provided they aren't exposed to me for too long. It's almost like flirting; I can vaguely guess what they want and give it to them. They want a shy-used-to-being-huddled-between-stacks-of-books girl? No problem. Or a spitfire vixen? No problem. The problem for me only arises when I have to be around them for an extended period of time, because then I can't read them, at all, and I fail at guessing what they "want."

Yup. I can relate to this. I think that's why relationships are so hard (at least for me) because depending upon when the guy meets me they could get two very different opinions of who I am. Wild Child or Quiet Introvert. I'm both. I just don't like feeling judged. Kind of sucks because when they do see these distinct sides I feel that they don't trust me. Like, I'm either too much or too little. Eh. Whatever.

 

[Sauropsidian]

One of my "best" friends was an ISTP, in the long run it didn't work out because I didn't get enough reassurance that she wanted to be around me which left me really down, and my refusal to find new friends left her to abandon me.

 

[Speed Gavroche]

I also have two sisters, an INFP, and an ESTJ.

My ISTP thinks my INFP sister is sweet, but "boring".

"Sweet but boring", yeah, I'd say thyat for the most part of INFPs I've met.