[ISFJ] ISFJs thoughts on intimacy

[KarenParker]

When I say intimacy I mean bondedness, closeness, romance, etc. If you are an ISFJ or know an ISFJ, in general, what are other ISFJs like when it comes to intimacy?

 

[Stanton Moore]

I'm dating an INFJ. She's very touchy-feely and grabs my package in public. I guess that's intimacy.

 

[KarenParker]

I'm dating an INFJ. She's very touchy-feely and grabs my package in public. I guess that's intimacy.

That's PASSION! Not intimacy.

 

[Giggly]

I think I work towards intimacy without thinking. I'd feel out of sorts without intimacy. It's interesting that make the distinction between passion and intimacy. I think you are right and yeah they are often confused and/or substituted for each other.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Well personally, I like intimacy and would try to cultivate it in a relationship. And I like all of those words you said in your first phrase.

 

[Eiddy]

I also love intimacy, but it has to be cultivated before passion comes along or else it would just be considered lust.

Intimacy, for me, is being close without sexual connotations. It's just basic cuddling up beside someone, having a meaningful conversation, or spending some quiet time with a SO. Sex is something else entirely, at least for me it is.

 

[SubjectA]

I get asked a lot of questions regarding my feelings or what I'm thinking. He said that he wants me to open up to him more. It's very very hard for me to do because I hate feeling vulnerable to anyone, but I'm learning. I just wish he'd do the same.

 

[Saslou]

Bondedness - Sitting in a room and not having to speak. Going to the chemist for medicine when i am poorly. Bouncing ideas off each other and not taking offence.

Closeness - Stroking your hand, resting my head on your lap. cuddling in bed. A kiss before we part.

Romance - Going out for a meal. Buying a practical gift for no reason other than i saw it and thought of you.

You pretty such get all the above immediately with me. Although the closeness may take a little longer than the other 2.
Like Eiddy said though about the sex. Although it has elements of the above, it is still seperate.

 

[KarenParker]

I also love intimacy, but it has to be cultivated before passion comes along or else it would just be considered lust.

Intimacy, for me, is being close without sexual connotations. It's just basic cuddling up beside someone, having a meaningful conversation, or spending some quiet time with a SO. Sex is something else entirely, at least for me it is.

See I want intimacy in sex. I think sex is best when you do it to get closer, more bonded, express how you feel about each other, slow and heavy emotionally. I mean, sex that has a lot of passion of course is great but I find it interesting that for you it's totally separate.

 

[KarenParker]

I get asked a lot of questions regarding my feelings or what I'm thinking. He said that he wants me to open up to him more. It's very very hard for me to do because I hate feeling vulnerable to anyone, but I'm learning. I just wish he'd do the same.

Yes INTJs really don't like to be vulnerable and express their emotions. Often times, I think they really couldn't tell you what they're feeling. But part of the joy of having feelings is the reward you get from expressing them and being vulnerable. It enriches your relationship and makes you feel the good feelings.

 

[KarenParker]

bondedness - feeling like you belong with that other person and they belong to you. A mutual emotional attachment and affection.

closeness - mutual emotional vulnerability

romance - doing sweet things for each other to express how you feel about each other in a symbolic way

 

[Saslou]

Yes INTJs really don't like to be vulnerable and express their emotions. Often times, I think they really couldn't tell you what they're feeling. But part of the joy of having feelings is the reward you get from expressing them and being vulnerable. It enriches your relationship and makes you feel the good feelings.

+1.
NTJ's can express themselves (never saw the vulnerability though myself until the end) but its just different from the way we do it. One is not necessarily better than the other.

 

[SubjectA]

+1.
NTJ's can express themselves (never saw the vulnerability though myself until the end) but its just different from the way we do it. One is not necessarily better than the other.

That's true. More often than not our feelings are translated into thoughts. You'll more than likely hear me say "I think..." instead of "I feel..." It only becomes a problem when we don't know why we're feeling the way we are and therefore, can't translate those feelings.

I don't know about other rationals but when I let my raw feelings speak for me, I tend to say things I quickly regret.

 

[Saslou]

That's true. More often than not our feelings are translated into thoughts. You'll more than likely hear me say "I think..." instead of "I feel..." It only becomes a problem when we don't know why we're feeling the way we are and therefore, can't translate those feelings.

I don't know about other rationals but when I let my raw feelings speak for me, I tend to say things I quickly regret.

That is exactly what i have learnt from this site. Being with my ex (INTJ) for 6years, things were never expressed so although he said 'i love you' .. there was never anything else, so naturally you start questioning.
Best example i can give - Just as the relationship was ending, i said to him, you never openly expressed how you felt about me', he gave me an example, 'Sarah, you hated making the children's sandwiches for school (this is true), i made those sandwiches for you for the kids because i knew you didn't like doing it AND because i love you, i express my feelings through my actions, not my words' .. Damn, if only that was explained years sooner, then i wouldn't of been on his case all the time.

Would you talk to your partner though when you don't know why you are feeling whatever feeling it is .. Or do you need time out to process the feelings alone? I have heard that INTJ's take ownership of their own feelings and thoughts and this is maybe why they can seen as somewhat distant sometimes in relationships. What are your thoughts?

 

[SubjectA]

That is exactly what i have learnt from this site. Being with my ex (INTJ) for 6years, things were never expressed so although he said 'i love you' .. there was never anything else, so naturally you start questioning.
Best example i can give - Just as the relationship was ending, i said to him, you never openly expressed how you felt about me', he gave me an example, 'Sarah, you hated making the children's sandwiches for school (this is true), i made those sandwiches for you for the kids because i knew you didn't like doing it AND because i love you, i express my feelings through my actions, not my words' .. Damn, if only that was explained years sooner, then i wouldn't of been on his case all the time.

Would you talk to your partner though when you don't know why you are feeling whatever feeling it is .. Or do you need time out to process the feelings alone? I have heard that INTJ's take ownership of their own feelings and thoughts and this is maybe why they can seen as somewhat distant sometimes in relationships. What are your thoughts?

Most of the time we need to reach these conclusions on our own. It's extremely difficult to try to explain something that doesn't even make sense to you.

 

[Saslou]

Most of the time we need to reach these conclusions on our own. It's extremely difficult to try to explain something that doesn't even make sense to you.

For as much as i envey you guys. To not know why i feel the way i do. I supose there are some blessings for being SJ's then.

 

[seeker22]

The ISFJ I was with for five years had a tough time with emotional intimacy. She tended to keep things bottled up inside. It made it difficult to feel emotionally close to her because her guard was always up, emotions walled off. She also did not display much facial affect in the way of emotions, except for sulky/angry when she would get upset at me for not cleaning.

I felt like she was more in the role of *helpmate* (tasks) than *emotionally intimate* or *mindmate.*

She showed her love through *doing* not *saying* or providing *feedback* or *intellectual engagement* which for me as an ENFP was difficult because we do need *at least* some verbal feedback/exchange to thrive it seems.

Sometimes I didn't even know something had upset her - it's like she would silently collect incidents that had upset her and had just *sucked it up* at the moment, but then exploded later on down the line out of the blue over something small because she had failed to address things at the moment they occurred and they consequently built up.

Again, I realize that probably not all ISFJs are this way. But that was my experience.