ISFJ and INFJ Relationships

[tinker683]

I went looking for one for this coupling and couldn't find one so, since I just married an INFJ, I thought I would post one myself!

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How do they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an ISFJ, what advice do you have for the INFJs?


Ok, let's start at the beginning...

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How do they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

1) I suppose like all couples it depends on the two individuals but I've found her to be the most compatible person I've ever been with. We're both similar enough to where we delight in our shared interests and values but we both are different enough to where we can both surprise or captivate the other. I for example have a very keen interest in the world around me: History, People, Events, that sort of things. She's an artist and is deeply interested into what I can only call for lack of a better term "core essences". I might be interested in a persons history, where they've been, what ideas they've come up with, etc... while she's more interested in their values and the impact they've had on their lives and the lives of other people. The details aren't as important as the core meaning as they are to me

2) I can't speak for her but for me, I feel safe with her. She's a Type 2, very nurturing, ties a strong degree of her self worth into what she can do for other people and I fiercely admire that about her. She's the sweetest, most caring person I know

Oh, and that butt. My wife has a nice ass

3) I suppose because we're so similar, there's an innate understanding between us. It's like when you've been with someone for so long that you can predict their movements and decisions ahead of time

4) I'd say we understand each other pretty well, but part of that is because we both came from really bad relationships and came into this one with a strong desire to do everything right that we didn't do in our last relationships. For example, we both make a concerted effort to communicate issues or concerns rather than just let them sit and simmer

5) No kids yet...but I know with complete certainty that she will be a terrific mother

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?[/B]
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

1) It's very easy for one of us to start to get a little passive aggressive when we're unhappy with the other. I have to slam the brakes and nipe that shit in the bud when it becomes apparent to me that she's unhappy with me. I've had to bite my tongue a few times when she's pissed me or irritated me but I've found that's less type related and more to do with maturity and an understanding of what's productive and what's destructive. We're both sensative people so we have to work extra on what we are about to say, especially when either of us are upset.

2) She is sooo....SLOW and can't plan something properly to save her life. I love my wife to death, but she has a terrible sense of logistics and has a really bad habit of underestimating how long it will take her to accomplish something, which frustrates me. She gets frustrated that I like to leave early or become visibly irritable when she's moving too slow.

Also, she can be really needy. 98% of the time this ins't an issue but when I've had a stressful day at work and need some alone time to decompress...it can be.

3) She's a type 2, so she's very giving. Something my abusive ex used to tell me is that relationships were "give and take". I would say this is a little off, relationships are "give and give". She gives 100% and I have to give 100% or it won't work. So we both work to mutual keep giving to one another.

4) I am grateful that we've only really pissed each other off a small number times, enough to count on one hand and have fingers left over. I imagine if both sides don't talk to each other, both dig their heels in and keep sniping at each other, waiting for the other side to admit fault and since IxFJs can be amazing stubborn....it won't end well. This is why I try and be self conscious when her and I are having a disagreement to not fall into that cycle.

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an ISFJ, what advice do you have for the INFJs?

1) Just make an effort to talk about things, no matter how absurd or poorly worded the words may be. Just talking is an excellent start.

2) It can be a wonderful relationship but it does require a little extra work than others. But if you're willing to jump through the extra few hoops, it's an extremely rewarding relationship. Try to listen to each other, always find ways to build the other one up, and you should be fine

3) Give it a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised by what you find!

 

[ahc24]

XSFJ (female) + INFJ (male)

I just joined this site and I also couldn't find much for this pairing, or for ESFJ & INFJ. It's interesting to read yours and I agree with most of what you said! I am a XSFJ, I am pretty much a dead on middle for I/E and my boyfriend of 4 years is INFJ.


- When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

He has always been fully honest with me and has a kind, genuine nature. We both understand that we value relationships/friendships, and share a passion to help others. I really appreciate that he is in tune with my emotional needs (without me expressing it, and I don't even know it at times) and we both thrive off of the deep emotional connection. We constantly encourage each other and am able to support one another in hard times. We both take relationships seriously and I know that he is loyal. We're sensitive to each other, and mutual willingness to keep giving love helps both of us feel appreciated. There's honestly so many joys!​

- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?

I've actually seen other XSFJ & INFJ couples that work pretty well!​

- Why are they attracted to each other?
My bf was attracted to me because (besides physically) he saw that I was bubbly, friendly, funny, and outgoing. He's more shy and needs help getting out of his shell. I'm attracted to his ability to look at the bigger picture (N), selflessness and strong morals, creativity, sense of humor/being playful. I'm also as the XSFJ more detail oriented and organized than he is, so it helps that I don't mind doing planning for trips or reminding him to take care of daily, practical needs that he seems to neglect or just plain forget at times. I think these types attract one another because they click really well, have a similar value system, and are just different enough to spark intimate chemistry.
- How do they compliment each other?

Like I said ^. Also, INFJ doesn't mind me controlling the time/activities because he is more flexible with his schedule and chill/down to do whatever. That helps me out because I'd rather go things in my schedule and I usually am meeting with more people/doing various different tasks than he is.​

- How well do they understand each other and why?

We have amazing understanding of one another. Deep emotional connection, trust, and probably through maturing together in the last 4 years. We've had conflict and dealt with them, with a lot of grace and patience. We have had miscommunications in the past, but we always strive to give the benefit of the doubt, trust in good intentions, speak up lovingly (not accusingly) when something feels wrong, and we constantly pour out to one another.​

- What are they like together raising children?

Idk yet, but I can see myself as a super outgoing mom that makes sure all the kids have everything they need (from packing food, their clothes, school supplies), asks about how they are doing on a daily basis, and wanting to be involved in their life. I think I would also be super affectionate and smothering. My bf would care for them too and would love to have conversation, be silly, share funny stories, and would probably be a loving father that gives the kids some space/freedom to express themselves and pursue what they love. I think we would be a good pair!​

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?

Sometimes, I am too upfront/direct without being sensitive to his feelings (if I'm giving advice and I think he should do something about what is making him upset). I also give a lot of detail, while he just gets to the point. He also is in his head a lot, rather solve problems internally (vs me externally processing) and it's hard to guess what's going on- So sometimes this makes me feel like he's not sharing enough with me when I want to be there for him (his emotions, thoughts, etc). He also tends to over analyze my words or actions, or perceive things a certain way when I really just said/did what I meant. That's why just talking and being honest is so important in this relationship! Don't let anything just go under the rug.​

- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?

Emotionally sensitive, not good at criticism/take things personally easily, passive aggressive, not as good at expressing personal needs because we care more for the other person​

- How can they take each other for granted?
We both do a lot for another and show lots of affirmation, so we could get "used to it".
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

We can tend to shut down and get stubborn. We also get very emotional and hurt if we had hurt each other or have miscommunication. However, we are quick to say sorry and admit to fault, and we also have strong community of friends that point us to giving grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. We usually feel better once we talk it out and get over the hump of emotions!​

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?

Don't be passive aggressive as both types will KNOW and be deeply hurt/annoyed by that. Be upfront, but do it in a loving manner. Don't assume the worst, just ask the person if something is on your mind or upsetting you. Hear one another out without interruption. Tone is SO important, as well as choice of words.​

- What advice do you have for each of the two types? ^




- If you are an ISFJ, what advice do you have for the INFJs?
The XSFJ should give INFJ enough freedom to express themselves, and not undermine their visions/dreams (it may not seem realistic, but to them this is how they thrive and gain a sense of purpose for their passions). Understand that the INFJ is internally focused and that does not mean he/she doesn't care about you, doesn't trust you (to come into their world)- in fact, they will let you in and give snippets of their heart/mind slowly but surely- and when they do, you know that you have gained a sincere, deep trust. Give space for the INFJ to speak what's on their mind and ask intentional questions to show that you do want to know their thoughts and feelings.

 

[meowington]

I'm an INFJ male married to an ISFJ. I don't have time to go through it all, but I just wanted to add that in our case it works really well. Since we're both introverts we understand very well that we both need our time and space alone (downtime). We share a very trusting, emotional connection, since we are both types that really need that. That's probably the bottom line to it.

I recognize a lot of what [MENTION=27950]ahc24[/MENTION] and [MENTION=8485]tinker683[/MENTION] said before.
Especially the passive/agressive part. We are both inclined to act passive/agressive when something is not to our liking (silence of death). But we've been together for so long that we worked that out eventually. Through talking. Voicing what is actually bothering us at the given time. I'd say we're both really happy in our relationship.