[INFP] INFPs, do you wear personas to get along in society?

[Metis]

INFPs,

Do you wear personas to get along in society, or are you just being true to yourselves and authentic when you're dealing with other people?

I'm not talking about being totally phony. I'm talking about paying the smile bribe pre-emptively so that the smile police won't hassle you, and wearing on your face an emotion you don't really feel so that it will make things easier for you.

On a further level, do you think roles to yourself in the hope that you won't be perceived as fitting in a different role and be pigeonholed into a less desirable role by people you interact with? For example, thinking "soccer mom" when you go to a customer service desk, in the hope that this will give them a vibe that they'll be more likely to treat politely than if they saw you as a bashful weirdo or something.

Or do INFPs have a less invasive coping strategy?

I wonder, sometimes, if I'm an INFP who has sold its self-knowledge away due to fear of vulnerability and having its real self used against it.

Also, do any of you have anger issues due to having to suppress yourself in order to protect your privacy and security?

Or is that just PTSD or something else not type-dependent (although there is a study on MBTI and PTSD that suggested some correlation)?

I'm reading this book by a classic INFP. It's amazing how insightful she is. And I wonder, if I hadn't chickened out and made some other kind of bargain with myself, as described above, in order to protect myself, would I also be as insightful as she is? If I had spent more time contemplating my own perceptions rather than trying to change my image to adjust to each new situation (and I am not good at that chameleon thing anyway, FWIW!)? Perhaps I would be wiser now. But maybe it's not a type thing, one way or another. I know that it would behoove me to develop my insight, in any case.

 

[Firebird 8118]

Hmm, it really depends I guess if I'm comfortable enough with a person/group of people outside, I'm able to act more like my normal awkward self without being judged for it.

But otherwise, yes I do try to put on a different persona: that of a young woman who's happy - albeit a little ditsy - and has things going right in her life.

 

[Metis]

I need to try that "has things going right" approach!

I get my affectations mixed up sometimes and start acting like some weird combination of them.

Okay, so INFPs do that... Interesting.



Wow. I was looking for a fun image off the menu, and that's a pretty interesting one.



No, officers, I had no idea those were back there.

Okay, well... Then who are those people who are always being so earnest and offbeat and wearing thrift-store chic and evangelizing their ideals along with their artistic sensibilities as though those were the same thing? And never seeming to have any self-doubts while they do that? And their faces have this weirdly innocent vulnerability to them? They're INFP's right?

LOL

Fine, I know we're all different, but I think I have some kind of "don't pin me down" syndrome, and when I think I'm one type, I have to change to another.

Whoa, dude, I was thinking, "What's a Healer-in-Training; oh, maybe her blog explains it." I click on your blog and you're very upset with yourself because of your interaction with your grandfather. Don't beat yourself up, though, please. You're right that it's important to be gentle towards patients and elderly, but you're not a monster or anything like that. We all get frustrated and express ourselves in ways that we would like to improve. I'm sure you'll think of a way to amend the situation, and it's really not going to be a horrible, unforgivable thing. Just, instead of focusing on feeling badly, focus on what might smooth the situation for your mom and grandfather and assure them that you love them or whatever you want them to know. Focus on them and repairing it rather than on yourself and feeling guilty. We all make mistakes.

I know people who have killed people, and they still have a conscience and the ability to do good things. You haven't done anything nearly that serious, and nothing that you can't take back or amend.

HUG It'll be okay.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

Fe.

 

[Metis]

Fe.

It's just the easy way out. More pragmatic than actually caring. I just don't want them to cause problems for me. Could be Te or simple paranoia.

Or some faustian bargain by which I've obtained some artificial imitation Fe (you know, like mint-flavored apple jelly, NOT the genuine mythical article of "mint jelly"), and the fake stuff has consumed my life.

Not that I don't care, but in real life situations, my focus is usually on my own physical security. Being relaxed enough to care about relationships on any more profound a level than that is a rare luxury. Which is why I'm avoiding most interactions for a while, while I try to introspect and write. But wait, I'm procrastinating here.

But she does the facade thing too, so...



Or, wait, were you talking about the "weirdly innocent"-looking people?

 

[Mocha]

It depends on the person. Whenever I meet someone older or more serious than me, I usually try to come off as cool and collected (I end up looking like an idiot, though). It's similar for the more childish type of person - I try to change myself to be similar to them when I'm around them.

I mainly do this to please others, so I don't come off as lame or boring. I wish I had a bit more confidence in my real self, though. I know that I have a real friend when they accept and like the real side of me.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I am not good at mirroring people and recently realized some of my social misunderstandings are that I don't even realize that people mirror me. I'd see their face change at me, when they'd otherwise smile at other people, and I felt it as an indication that they don't like me. I very recently realized people (usually FJs) are mirroring my neutral face, because to them, being in sync with someone creates rapport. Although ExFPs do this too, it's different in a way I can't quite put my finger on.

But I don't operate like that at all. Instead, I observe a lot quietly, and I note patterns in people, so if someone is generally smiling at others, but not at me, then I take it personally. I also note the discrepancy between a person's internal state and their external appearance (ie smiling but not feeling actual warmth). For me, my face is usually neutral, so it's not personal if I don't smile. Given that I seem to interpret things differently, I don't think I could play the game well even if I wanted to.

I have a persona, but it's not to get along socially. It's more like my ideal for myself - the way I want to be seen and to experience myself. Of course, this is not conscious most of the time. As I get older, the realization I've done this feels very silly and I'm increasingly trying to not get stuck in an image, which is inevitably limiting.
I am usually too dense to create a persona that appeals to people. This doesn't mean I don't engage in polite behavior that is expected, but it's not a strength of mine. I will put a smile on socially, so I don't get pegged as a stuck-up bitch, but my obviously contrived smile doesn't get me very far, and I forget half the time because mentally I am caught up in other things. It's also super obvious I do it because I think I am supposed to, and people easily see I am not genuinely responding to my environment (it's more like "oops, we made eye contact, so now I will give a brief smile so you don't think I am evil"). When I am genuinely animated, it's definitely more, er, effective, but I don't seem able to just conjure that mood up by will.

I suppose it must be nice to go through life getting excited over little things, but I just don't have big reactions to the stuff other people (often other women) get all about. Internally, I feel stuff more like intrigued, amused, or like my imagination is stirred. If I feel warmth towards someone, then it's a pleased, gentle glow, not a big "OMG I'm so happy to see you! Squeeeeal!". I have to consciously decide to express. I really do wear my warm emotions turned towards the inside like the "fur lined coat" described for IxFPs.

People may assume I am unhappy or critical or something like that because I am more contained. This really causes me a LOT of problems in life, but again, I can't even do a fake enthusiasm if I wanted to; it comes across as stilted.

 

[prplchknz]

nope, but i'm sure some INFPs do.

wait maybe i do but it's more of if you have nothing nice to say shut the fuck up type deal.

 

[Litsnob]

I am not INFP but I am inclined to think many people do this sort of thing, particularly introverts who either value harmony or have learned that it has some value in social interaction. I generally mirror people I am with if it's one on one or a very small group. I have my social face, my party persona which I may or may not be able to turn on as needed. I live with a chronic illness so I also have my pretending I feel fine persona. I think it might depend on how much one is forced to interact beyond one's comfort zone due to the type of employment, size of family or social group one belongs to.

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

The only thing I do is try to tone down my happiness and enthusiasm a bit otherwise I annoy some people. xD

 

[Dreamer]

I am not good at mirroring people and recently realized some of my social misunderstandings are that I don't even realize that people mirror me. I'd see their face change at me, when they'd otherwise smile at other people, and I felt it as an indication that they don't like me. I very recently realized people (usually FJs) are mirroring my neutral face, because to them, being in sync with someone creates rapport. Although ExFPs do this too, it's different in a way I can't quite put my finger on.

But I don't operate like that at all. Instead, I observe a lot quietly, and I note patterns in people, so if someone is generally smiling at others, but not at me, then I take it personally. I also note the discrepancy between a person's internal state and their external appearance (ie smiling but not feeling actual warmth). For me, my face is usually neutral, so it's not personal if I don't smile. Given that I seem to interpret things differently, I don't think I could play the game well even if I wanted to.

I have a persona, but it's not to get along socially. It's more like my ideal for myself - the way I want to be seen and to experience myself. Of course, this is not conscious most of the time. As I get older, the realization I've done this feels very silly and I'm increasingly trying to not get stuck in an image, which is inevitably limiting.
I am usually too dense to create a persona that appeals to people. This doesn't mean I don't engage in polite behavior that is expected, but it's not a strength of mine. I will put a smile on socially, so I don't get pegged as a stuck-up bitch, but my obviously contrived smile doesn't get me very far, and I forget half the time because mentally I am caught up in other things. It's also super obvious I do it because I think I am supposed to, and people easily see I am not genuinely responding to my environment (it's more like "oops, we made eye contact, so now I will give a brief smile so you don't think I am evil"). When I am genuinely animated, it's definitely more, er, effective, but I don't seem able to just conjure that mood up by will.

I suppose it must be nice to go through life getting excited over little things, but I just don't have big reactions to the stuff other people (often other women) get all about. Internally, I feel stuff more like intrigued, amused, or like my imagination is stirred. If I feel warmth towards someone, then it's a pleased, gentle glow, not a big "OMG I'm so happy to see you! Squeeeeal!". I have to consciously decide to express. I really do wear my warm emotions turned towards the inside like the "fur lined coat" described for IxFPs.

People may assume I am unhappy or critical or something like that because I am more contained. This really causes me a LOT of problems in life, but again, I can't even do a fake enthusiasm if I wanted to; it comes across as stilted.

I'm actually surprised no one has thought of us as forum "opposites" over in that Bonfire thread. I can get excited over such stupid stuff sometimes it's really kind of ridiculous. I can't complain though, it feels awesome to have that rush of excitement come over you. Funny thing is, one would think this makes me a highly animated person, ok, well yes it does, but I feel like I have "normal" chill Dreamer mode, and this overly excited little puppy mode, not many other emotions come through externally otherwise.

 

[Dreamer]

I would say that I do sort of carry myself differently and express myself a certain way depending on who I'm talking to and how comfortable I am around them, but I wouldn't say it's trying on different "personas". I'm So dom, so perhaps that has a lot to do with my approach around people. Now, as my signature says (thank you [MENTION=30122]Brain in a Jar[/MENTION]) I see the social structure, the hierarchy, all that comprises what I call this social "game", in front of me at all times. However, just because I'm aware of all of this, doesn't mean I'm about to do what's best for my social standing, despite being So dom. My Fi trumps all and basically means that I'm not about to do something if it feels "off" or just doesn't feel right. Pandering to the boss, kissing up, that disgusts me and I have much more integrity than that. But you see, there are things, I could do to further my position...but I don't.

I bring up the above, as a parallel to show how I act around others. I will reveal different sides of me, speak in this way or that, act certain ways, all dependent on who's around me, but the key is, each one of those "versions" of me, are just as genuine a reflection of me as the next. It's just that I'll prop up this side of me or that after gauging the situation and what the other person or people are like. The interesting thing is, I'm not even sure where I learned or picked this up. I don't actively think of such things, it's all rather natural for me. I tend to just feel "fluid" in social situations.

Deep down though, I don't feel much like I belong in most social circles. I think this fluidity came out of a necessity for me to seek out the affection and friendship of others since I was rather introverted growing up.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I'm actually surprised no one has thought of us as forum "opposites" over in that Bonfire thread. I can get excited over such stupid stuff sometimes it's really kind of ridiculous. I can't complain though, it feels awesome to have that rush of excitement come over you. Funny thing is, one would think this makes me a highly animated person, ok, well yes it does, but I feel like I have "normal" chill Dreamer mode, and this overly excited little puppy mode, not many other emotions come through externally otherwise.

A little tangent....but it was striking to me when I came to these online typology forums at how familiar ENFP thinking is to my own, and yet, our outer personalities can be soooo different.

I see a lot of genuine excitement in ENFPs in real life, and it's probably why they are often regarded as charming.

I sometimes wonder how people ever confuse INFPs and ENFPs

 

[PeaceBaby]

I sometimes wonder how people ever confuse INFPs and ENFPs

Well, that's probably where someone like me comes in.

No question I'm so dominant and like [MENTION=25763]Enthusiastic_Dreamer[/MENTION] see the social game, where everyone stacks hierarchically and who's trying to influence who. I don't always know why but I see when the game's afoot. So, when I was in my twenties, I made a conscious decision to learn the "rules" of these games better because I wanted to be more connected to people. I grew up in a rural area without a lot of social contact outside of school -- even making a hair appointment for myself I had to write down what I would say before I picked up the phone. So, I read, I went to seminars, I started a business and worked in sales. All of these things contributed to my learning of how to "play". Now, that doesn't mean I am super suave all of the time lol and some of what I learned was counter-productive. I am still awkward and well, that's just the way it will be. I'd like to think that's charming somehow anyway. And at this point, I have shed the construct of what I now consider stepping stones of this learning to favor an approach that is more combinatory of social grace and authentic connection.

The vestiges of my learning are a quick smile (even smiling first!), simple and polished answers to questions in the social realm, and the grace to navigate social events with relative comfort since I have a lot of the "moves" and "scripts" memorized to the point of being automatic. Those scripts ironically free me to be more authentic. I laugh rather freely too so that contributes to an overall kind of friendly appearance. To answer the OP, I do have personas and used to feel rather inauthentic about that, and wondered why I was so malleable when others seemed so settled and defined. So, in exploring that over the years, I've identified which elements of persona are borne of self-protection or self-aggrandizement and taken great effort to dispense with them. Funnily enough, although I don't pop into a maladaptive state too often anymore, I can still occasionally come away from an interaction with an awareness that I was operating from that place.

I do see the ability to adapt now as a skill and feel comfortable in being able to fit many situations. I do hold key though that this must always be monitored from a quality control perspective lest I lose too much of what I value in the process.

 

[FemMecha]

From the time I was a teenager, various authority figures have told me my "persona" is not socially effective, and some even told me to find someone assertive I admire, practice their mannerisms in a mirror. It stresses me out when people tell me this because it isn't something I have the option of doing. While I appreciate it in a way, it also annoys me when people just volunteer advice on how to "fix" my persona. Another person said that when performing I should smile more, and make lots of eye contact with the audience like so-and-so, etc. (In that case they were telling me to act more schmaltzy, so kinda not worth it)

I have a few different mindsets inside myself that I can switch between with various people, but what I do is not exactly mirroring in the way I've seen other people do it. Strangely enough the most skilled person at this I ever met was an INTP, but his focus was more linguistic, although there was some body language involved. He also mirrored me and manipulated the hell out of me doing it, so I have been on the receiving end of it.

I have a childlike, silly place that I go to if I'm teaching a child, there is a neutral non-reactive place I go to with conflict oriented people, and an intellectual/analytical place I go to when discussing topics in idea space. When I perform I try to walk smoothly and with my back straight, but that's the limit of my performing "persona".

I had a wonderful epiphany over the holidays about projecting myself in a way that shows more strength to the world. I don't have to pretend to be anything, but just whatever is actually strong inside of me, show that first. If you are good at fixing cars, start with that (I'm not), if you are good at analysis, start with that, etc. The idea is exactly correct, but I'm still having some trouble applying it. "Normal" people are very difficult for me to interact with socially, and it is actually a lot easier for me when they are neuro-atypical. I've learned that my ability to read people is based mostly on their raw emotional experience, but that I'm especially limited at reading people socially because most behaviors do not make a great deal of sense to me when I observe them. Raw, instinctual feelings are often in conflict with the social behaviors, and so in the end I find people confusing. Part of the problem with my persona is that I can't "fake it til you make it", but it is also a problem that what people want in the first place doesn't make all that much sense to me.

So long story short, no, I am not able to control a persona for the world socially, except to be quiet and smile a little and nod.

 

[Lord Lavender]

I would say that I do sort of carry myself differently and express myself a certain way depending on who I'm talking to and how comfortable I am around them, but I wouldn't say it's trying on different "personas". I'm So dom, so perhaps that has a lot to do with my approach around people. Now, as my signature says (thank you [MENTION=30122]Brain in a Jar[/MENTION]) I see the social structure, the hierarchy, all that comprises what I call this social "game", in front of me at all times. However, just because I'm aware of all of this, doesn't mean I'm about to do what's best for my social standing, despite being So dom. My Fi trumps all and basically means that I'm not about to do something if it feels "off" or just doesn't feel right. Pandering to the boss, kissing up, that disgusts me and I have much more integrity than that. But you see, there are things, I could do to further my position...but I don't.

I bring up the above, as a parallel to show how I act around others. I will reveal different sides of me, speak in this way or that, act certain ways, all dependent on who's around me, but the key is, each one of those "versions" of me, are just as genuine a reflection of me as the next. It's just that I'll prop up this side of me or that after gauging the situation and what the other person or people are like. The interesting thing is, I'm not even sure where I learned or picked this up. I don't actively think of such things, it's all rather natural for me. I tend to just feel "fluid" in social situations.

Deep down though, I don't feel much like I belong in most social circles. I think this fluidity came out of a necessity for me to seek out the affection and friendship of others since I was rather introverted growing up.

I can see how So dom and Fi link now. You still see the social game but you don't do anything about it due to Fi principles whether a Fe user would be more inclined to play the game. I can see the difference between Fi and Fe So now as a Fe user would more focus their masks outwards so to speak while a Fi user will like you said attempt to show their true side to some extent. In that regard a Fe user makes a better So dom as they don't necessary need to show any of themselves so to speak giving them more options but it could also on the other hand seem faker than a Fis so dom.

Id guess that enneagram would also need to be taken into account as well as Fe vs Fi.

 

[Dreamer]

I can see how So dom and Fi link now. You still see the social game but you don't do anything about it due to Fi principles whether a Fe user would be more inclined to play the game. I can see the difference between Fi and Fe So now as a Fe user would more focus their masks outwards so to speak while a Fi user will like you said attempt to show their true side to some extent. In that regard a Fe user makes a better So dom as they don't necessary need to show any of themselves so to speak giving them more options but it could also on the other hand seem faker than a Fis so dom.

Id guess that enneagram would also need to be taken into account as well as Fe vs Fi.

Ya totally agreed on taking enneagram into account. Totally puts everything into perspective if you ever feel like you don't vibe like other ENTPs on the forum for example. I like to think of the various measurements of personality like colors that are swathed over people. Amidst those colors, trends in behavior emerge. I feel you can type based on behavior, somewhat, but the trouble with that is, you are picking up all the overlap between these systems and colors, so what one may think is Fe for example, may really be So dominance, an E7, an E type MBTI, etc etc.

 

[Lord Lavender]

Ya totally agreed on taking enneagram into account. Totally puts everything into perspective if you ever feel like you don't vibe like other ENTPs on the forum for example. I like to think of the various measurements of personality like colors that are swathed over people. Amidst those colors, trends in behavior emerge. I feel you can type based on behavior, somewhat, but the trouble with that is, you are picking up all the overlap between these systems and colors, so what one may think is Fe for example, may really be So dominance, an E7, an E type MBTI, etc etc.

That's why I find it silly to type people solely based on MBTI type testing. This only penetrates the surface of someone's type and only takes behaviours into account not inner cognation e.t.c. Plus type profiles are wrong to me and mean nothing as it is based on a enneagram type and subtypes e.t.c. There are so many systems within typology its impossible to even say that two ENTPs/ENFPs e.t.c are the same. For instance the typical ENTP profile is based on a 7w8 3w2 8w7 ENTP while ENFP profiles are 4w3 and 7w6 heavy. Likewise there has been a heavy complaint about xSFJ profiles and I find them to be very heavy on the 2w1 for ISFJ and 2w3 for ESFJ.

Typology is a hollstic thing not just a simple test with some questions which makes it fun as you have to piece the puzzles together.

 

[FemMecha]

Here's another thought.

The motivation to wear a persona requires a desire to achieve a given outcome socially. If you want to impress people professionally, then there is an archetype of some sort you have to behave similarly as. Part of my problem in not taking people's advice about my persona is that I'm not invested in the positive outcome. Yes, I want success professionally, but I found a path that fits me through digital media. In almost every profession there is a schmooze network of social images compared competitively against each other. Most of the time I don't impress people at all socially, and so yes, they underestimate me, but I don't care enough to change that. I know that may sound funny, but I'm somewhat disconnected socially and actually have some apathy about the professional world. I'm uncomfortable in the 'triumphant success' style conversations.

In contexts where someone has introduced me professionally with the language to impress everyone, I am then required to listen to several people come and brag at me until they feel they have achieved the goal of impressing me to the same or greater measure. When people do this to me, I think about the fact that I already think they have accomplished alot, but that I'm not part of the schmoozing network they are assuming me to be part of, so they are actually wasting a lot of their own energy. Then the next one comes up and we do it all again. That is a price that really drains me, so it is easier for me to be overlooked in social settings. I don't care about impressing people competitively because it doesn't feel real to me. It doesn't make any emotional sense to me. In the end I don't have a reason to put on a front for people that is worth the social price and reward. I don't have a reason or motivation to be anyone except myself with all my flaws, vulnerabilities, and strengths.

 

[Amargith]

A little tangent....but it was striking to me when I came to these online typology forums at how familiar ENFP thinking is to my own, and yet, our outer personalities can be soooo different.

I see a lot of genuine excitement in ENFPs in real life, and it's probably why they are often regarded as charming.

I sometimes wonder how people ever confuse INFPs and ENFPs

This is funny...

I guess..the persona I adopt most is the one of 'mature restraint'. Certain groups (and especially a group you're new to) will penalise someone for being exuberant and giddy about things, even considering her downright bossy and immature. Ne-Te...apparently, it can really rattle people. You need to either be familiar with people so they know you mean no harm, have a one-on-one going, or have a *big* group (that's not currently doing a hive-mind thing, coz then you damage the 'harmony') where you can 'spread it around', in order not to be too intense too long for the same person, allowing you to flit and distribute the energy.

So, these days, I feel like a stallion that's under the saddle with a *lot* of reins, leather pieces and other restraints to keep it from doing what comes naturally (things like rearing up and bucking in joy) as to not startle the natives
Just like rearing up and bucking is 'unacceptable behavior' for a horse when 'working', I find that my natural behaviour gets that frown going real fast, along with whispers of 'not being proper'
And just like that stallion, I relish occasions where I can just...'open 'er up, fully', and go full blast without sanctions or rules and regulations.

But oh well, I guess I'll behave for the most part.

It's exhausting, tbh, but apparently, it's a lot more appreciated.


I've started looking at it as only sharing myself fully with those that are interested in what i have to offer, and detaching for the larger part from the rest of the population, more so for their comfort than my own. As long as I do have opportunities to go full out elsewhere, it's pretty doable and still authentic. If they only want to see the outer layer, who am I to force-feed them the rest