[INFP] INFPs & attracting broken people....& then not anymore

[OrangeAppled]

I know this has been discussed before....but so has everything else .

INFPs (and other NFs, why not!), do you find you attract broken/unstable people?

I've always attracted the (bad) weirdos, the underdogs, the rejects, aaaand the broken people. The thing is, I generally don't appear approachable or friendly (although I am), yet some signal must be going out that I'm empathetic & understanding, and not turned off by awkwardness or strangeness. I also give the benefit of the doubt and can "over-empathize" or exercise what I call "misplaces sympathy". Sometimes this means allowing someone in my life that I should've rejected from the get-go. It's not always pity, but willingness to put up with a lot of crap from someone if I determine something else that's valuable about them (boy does this apply to sooo many INTXs I've known).

However, I find this less common now in recent years, and maybe it's a sign that I am more stable. Maybe I'm not giving out "I'll endure your creepiness" vibes.

Anyone else go from attracting these types to simply not?

It's not even that I weed them out now, but I don't even seem to attract them as much. Obviously, this is good, but it's also struck me as odd.

 

[Biaxident]

I haven't attracted them in years now. Not like I did when I was younger.


Maturity and experience(hard experience) make it easier to discern real damage from manipulators. And give you a better idea whether you should even try, or just ignore.

 

[Udog]

I think that broken people are constantly trying to find people that will soothe them, either by listening, feeling sorry for them, or simply giving them attention. They don't discriminate who they approach... they just approach. What I think happens is that perhaps INFPs tend to give them that attention, for a variety of reasons, so they "stick" to us. If we aren't careful, after some time we accumulate them.

I haven't attracted any new broken people in awhile, although I have to admit there are a couple in my life that I likely need to rid myself of.

I guess one difference is that I no longer feel responsible for the well being of strangers. Also, I've come to respect my time and energy enough that once I recognize someone as only taking from me, I no longer feel guilty for walking away.

 

[Unkindloving]

This is interesting to me, since I've tended to attract and/or be fond of broken INFPs in the past.

I haven't attracted them in years now. Not like I did when I was younger.

This is a sentiment that I find runs strong in INFP folks. They are the one type that I've always found to have a huge difference in personality and experience when age comes into play. Many a long discussion about this, especially regarding relationships.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

Anyone else go from attracting these types to simply not?

No.... I still don't mind them. & I generally don't like to think of anyone as "broken" or a lost cause, even if they probably are. Since I'm aware that lots of "regular" people probably see me as a weirdo, I try to not be bothered when someone strikes me as 'a bit off'-- unless I start getting vibes that they're possibly a violent serial killer, which can happen.

& lastly, there are some people who ARE lost causes who I nonetheless genuinely like being around (when I'm energized to do so)...

 

[CrystalViolet]

Yes, experience is a hard teacher.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

I think that broken people are constantly trying to find people that will soothe them, either by listening, feeling sorry for them, or simply giving them attention. They don't discriminate who they approach... they just approach. What I think happens is that perhaps INFPs tend to give them that attention, for a variety of reasons, so they "stick" to us. If we aren't careful, after some time we accumulate them.

But don't you ever feel like that's an important societal function you serve though? (inasmuch as you ever think about things like "societal functions"...) I mean, I think IFs in general get dismissed sometimes as being aloof & unconcerned with other people's problems, when in reality we are concerned but don't have any social expression for it. So don't you feel sometimes like that's one valuable thing you can do, help the neglected, the disenfranchised, etc. that no one else wants to bother with?

Of course there always have to be limits..

 

[tkae.]

Yeah, my first boyfriend was a broken people...

I also learned during that time that I'm a broken people, and his capacity to care about my brokenness wasn't reciprocal to mine, so the relationship was extremely draining. Still is, actually. So I'll never get involved with a broken people ever again :blushing:

I need to worry about my own broken ass instead of fixing everyone else

 

[OrangeAppled]

I think that broken people are constantly trying to find people that will soothe them, either by listening, feeling sorry for them, or simply giving them attention. They don't discriminate who they approach... they just approach. What I think happens is that perhaps INFPs tend to give them that attention, for a variety of reasons, so they "stick" to us. If we aren't careful, after some time we accumulate them.

IDK, I think they have radar going on (even if subconscious). I feel like I don't see them trying it with others so much.....

I guess one difference is that I no longer feel responsible for the well being of strangers. Also, I've come to respect my time and energy enough that once I recognize someone as only taking from me, I no longer feel guilty for walking away.

This is something I've slowly started to do, and possibly am good at now. I used to be pretty easy to guilt, even though my demeanor said "go away". I'd find myself cornered by some needy person, but not able to cut them off even though I owed them nothing.

No.... I still don't mind them. & I generally don't like to think of anyone as "broken" or a lost cause, even if they probably are. Since I'm aware that lots of "regular" people probably see me as a weirdo, I try to not be bothered when someone strikes me as 'a bit off'-- unless I start getting vibes that they're possibly a violent serial killer, which can happen.

& lastly, there are some people who ARE lost causes who I nonetheless genuinely like being around (when I'm energized to do so)...

I used to have that attitude also, well, I still do. I just don't attract these people. It's not that I write them off as hopeless or anything, I just don't encounter them as much.

Come to think of it, I guess I do establish boundaries better. I have an ENFP friend who is mentally ill that I've dealt with pretty well. I've been there for her as a friend, but didn't feel sucked into something I didn't want to handle or couldn't handle.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

I used to have that attitude also, well, I still do. I just don't attract these people. It's not that I write them off as hopeless or anything, I just don't encounter them as much.

You must live.. in the Land of Happy Shiny People!

REM-roll:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s

kidding but I think it has a lot to do with how you look, in terms of demeanor... I tend to smile at strangers pretty often, & I don't cage my eyes when walking around so I make eye contact a lot, & then suddenly someone's talking to me for 2 hours in a row...

 

[OrangeAppled]

You must live.. in the Land of Happy Shiny People!

REM-roll:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s

kidding but I think it has a lot to do with how you look, in terms of demeanor... I tend to smile at strangers pretty often, & I don't cage my eyes when walking around so I make eye contact a lot, & then suddenly someone's talking to me for 2 hours in a row...

I'm probably friendlier in appearance now than I've ever been. I think that's it - I'm giving off stable vibes now.

I'd rather attract the broken people though then the "Happy Shiny" people (blech! My Fi blanches at those phonies! ).

 

[Santosha]

I generally don't like to think of anyone as "broken" or a lost cause, even if they probably are. Since I'm aware that lots of "regular" people probably see me as a weirdo, I try to not be bothered when someone strikes me as 'a bit off'-- unless I start getting vibes that they're possibly a violent serial killer, which can happen.

& lastly, there are some people who ARE lost causes who I nonetheless genuinely like being around (when I'm energized to do so)...

Totally relate to this. However, experience IS a good teacher for us NFP's. I've just developed better understanding of my own limits, and have been working on healthy boundaries for a very long time. (These were not present in my home life growing up) Enough experience has helped me better assess types of broken people.. and all brokens are not equal. What I've found.. is that it is not the degree of broken-ness people have.. it is how they chose to channel it. I do not allow myself to get very close to highly manipulative people-readers. IF they are broken AND very capeable of manipulating me, they are out per the self-preservation factor. I still think these people deserve to be worked with, by highly knowledgeable shrinks. If I accept that my path is to heal, my first priority is to keep myself healthy.

 

[chickpea]

i feel like most of the guys i've dated/been interested in have at least been fucked up in some way or had some kind of hardship. like i really can't see myself ever being in love with some totally normal well-adjusted guy. i need some kind of neurotic tendency that i can relate to. but i also always pick guys better off then myself, so i'm even weirder than them.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

Totally relate to this. However, experience IS a good teacher for us NFP's. I've just developed better understanding of my own limits, and have been working on healthy boundaries for a very long time. (These were not present in my home life growing up) Enough experience has helped me better assess types of broken people.. and all brokens are not equal. What I've found.. is that it is not the degree of broken-ness people have.. it is how they chose to channel it.

Yeah, I try to keep in mind that even despite having an unusually warm & affectionate mother, 3 well-adjusted siblings, & no sort of poverty or deprivation growing up, there are still a lot of things I struggle with, so how must it be for people constitutionally similar to me who had fucked-up childhoods, who were abused, neglected, didn't have friends etc?

In terms of emotional background I'm pretty highly priveleged.

 

[Rebe]

It is not so much that I am INFP and I attract the broken. It is that I am broken myself, I am messed up so I don't know how to 'work' with another regular, normal person. So I find certain people very attractive and I am able to open myself up to them without myself getting overly paranoid or whatever. Whenever I am truly ready for a long-term commitment, I will be able to find the right guy. But now it seems I find the ones I know will only be temporary. I want to be loved, yet I don't want it to be long-term. I cannot handle the responsibility and the commitment, the kind of vulnerability that I would have to extend on a daily, permanent basis. Not right now. So I end up with broken people, not whole people because I'm not whole myself.

 

[OrangeAppled]

It is not so much that I am INFP and I attract the broken. It is that I am broken myself, I am messed up so I don't know how to 'work' with another regular, normal person. So I find certain people very attractive and I am able to open myself up to them without myself getting overly paranoid or whatever.

I don't think broken is the same as odd or weird though. I think I used to confuse the two.... I know I am something of an odd duck (sometimes I am pleased about that, other times it's a burden), and I am drawn to other offbeat people, but no longer the broken ones. I mean, there are unusual people who have it together emotionally..... You can be a bit awkward or strange & not be unstable.

Whenever I am truly ready for a long-term commitment, I will be able to find the right guy. But now it seems I find the ones I know will only be temporary. I want to be loved, yet I don't want it to be long-term. I cannot handle the responsibility and the commitment, the kind of vulnerability that I would have to extend on a daily, permanent basis. Not right now. So I end up with broken people, not whole people because I'm not whole myself.

I did not date much until my mid 20s for that reason (I'm only 27 now). I don't know if it's that I was broken or I expected myself to be at a level of maturity that most don't require before entering a relationship. I think in a way, INFPs are more self-aware of their emotional maturity & so they tend to do stuff later in life than others, but it can be to their benefit in the long run (or maybe that's just wishful thinking). I didn't make that decision consciously either, I just didn't pursue or become open to romantic relationships because it never "felt" right.

 

[Eckhart]

I don't think I really ATTRACTED more broken people than other people do, although I am being less judging to them, so they might still prefer my company to others, but they don't seek to be friends with me or so. But really, I don't like seperating people in "broken" and "cool". Sure, if they annoy me, why would I hang around with them, I won't... but not because I consider them broken.

 

[nolla]

I guess one difference is that I no longer feel responsible for the well being of strangers.

Yeah. It seems that the broken people don't flock to me anymore, and I don't know if I can explain it. It might be that I am less interested in the brokenness. It isn't one of my main concerns anymore to "fix myself", so it is less likely that I find other broken people interesting either. Most of the time I see everyone as broken, and not something that needs to be fixed. In a way, to fix someone is to try to have power over them.

 

[INTPness]

Broken people attract broken people. Perfectly healthy and non-broken people wouldn't be attracted to broken people, at least not in a romantic way.

Being attracted to broken people and then no longer being attracted to them is a sign of repair - moving away from brokenness and towards wholeness.

Oddballs being attracted to oddballs (e.g., INxx with INxx, LOL - and let's throw ENxP's in there for good measure) - that's why there's so many of "us" on these forums. Similar interests, and we flock to similar places.

 

[King sns]

I know this has been discussed before....but so has everything else .

INFPs (and other NFs, why not!), do you find you attract broken/unstable people?

I've always attracted the (bad) weirdos, the underdogs, the rejects, aaaand the broken people. The thing is, I generally don't appear approachable or friendly (although I am), yet some signal must be going out that I'm empathetic & understanding, and not turned off by awkwardness or strangeness. I also give the benefit of the doubt and can "over-empathize" or exercise what I call "misplaces sympathy". Sometimes this means allowing someone in my life that I should've rejected from the get-go. It's not always pity, but willingness to put up with a lot of crap from someone if I determine something else that's valuable about them (boy does this apply to sooo many INTXs I've known).

However, I find this less common now in recent years, and maybe it's a sign that I am more stable. Maybe I'm not giving out "I'll endure your creepiness" vibes.

Anyone else go from attracting these types to simply not?

It's not even that I weed them out now, but I don't even seem to attract them as much. Obviously, this is good, but it's also struck me as odd.

I attract a lot of people, definitely not limited to normal people. I'm getting better with avoiding psychiatric cases. (Perhaps I'm less of a psychiatric case myself.)