[INFJ] INFJs - anger and upset?

[Eileen]

INFJs (or people who know INFJs and can relate their experiences with angry/upset ones), how do you act when you're angry or upset? Do you blow up, or do you get cold and quiet, or something else?

 

[Kyrielle]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Second stage (sometimes this just bypasses the first): Solar flare-esque emotional outburst. I say something that doesn't quite make sense, or it does make sense but there is more emotional charge to my words that I intend to use. I do this sometimes when someone is being completely ridiculous and I react more strongly to emotions that I didn't even consciously realise I was feeling. Or, I could be frustrated and might be saying things that aren't very kind to unsuspecting people.

Third stage: Blow up of the nuclear missile sort. By this point I have passed the threshold of all rational thought and have descended headlong into a rampage of anger/frustration. At some point, even the rampage isn't enough to express everything that's been bottled up and I start to cry at the same time I'm mindlessly shouting at someone.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.


Keep in mind that I really don't blow-up very often but I do do all the other things from time to time. Especially when I'm feeling generally down for reasons I don't understand. People rarely ever see the pathetic/outraged stuff, though.

 

[tovlo]

I usually grow cold and quiet. Probably my most common expression. Sometimes that coldness and quietness is obvious to others and sometimes it's more of an internal state that just leaves me less engaged while I work through my anger.

A "blow up" for me tends to be just an emotionally charged expression of my dissatisfaction that is a little bit unreasonable because my emotion burst forth before I had time to process it and get a more reasonable grasp on it. Usually in this kind of expression my voice is still relatively calm, yet what I'm expressing is blaming and judgemental and I have a hard time seeing or hearing anything other than my own hurt experience.

 

[tovlo]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Second stage (sometimes this just bypasses the first): Solar flare-esque emotional outburst. I say something that doesn't quite make sense, or it does make sense but there is more emotional charge to my words that I intend to use. I do this sometimes when someone is being completely ridiculous and I react more strongly to emotions that I didn't even consciously realise I was feeling. Or, I could be frustrated and might be saying things that aren't very kind to unsuspecting people.

Third stage: Blow up of the nuclear missile sort. By this point I have passed the threshold of all rational thought and have descended headlong into a rampage of anger/frustration. At some point, even the rampage isn't enough to express everything that's been bottled up and I start to cry at the same time I'm mindlessly shouting at someone.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.


Keep in mind that I really don't blow-up very often but I do do all the other things from time to time. Especially when I'm feeling generally down for reasons I don't understand. People rarely ever see the pathetic/outraged stuff, though.

OK, this is a pretty good description for me as well.

 

[Athenian200]

First: I either manage ignore and contain it, in which case nothing happens and I get over it with no one knowing, or I get slightly and subtly indignant and mean. It can also manifest as me continuing to be nice to the person, but then going to someone else and complaining about their behavior to get it out of my system.

Second: I either have a quick flare of anger, in which I start making accusations and being hateful, or else I contain it and skip to three.

Third: I get extremely cold and robotic, analyzing and reacting to the situation in an extremely logical manner. Most of the time this allows me time to recover, and repairs the situation by reaching an understanding, but occasionally it only makes things worse.

Fourth: If the person starts to respond to three well, or calms me down during two, then I apologize and feel kind of embarassed, explain myself one more time, and everything usually goes back to normal.

Fifth: This rarely happens, but if things only continue to worsen, I simply extricate myself from the situation/person by whatever means are necessary. If it's on the internet, I would leave the forum, add them to my ignore list, block their e-mails, whatever it took. If it's in real life, I would leave the room, and refuse to ever see the person/people again, possibly blocking their phone number(s) as well, and if they worked/went to school in the same place, would quit/drop out to avoid them. But I would work extremely hard to avoid reaching this point in that case.

 

[Vicki]

OK, this is a pretty good description for me as well.

wow, it seems a pretty good desciption for me too.
the part about hiding and feeling sorry for myself and then the other one suddenly being innocent happens to me ALL THE TIME.

 

[Kyrielle]

wow, it seems a pretty good desciption for me too.
the part about hiding and feeling sorry for myself and then the other one suddenly being innocent happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Yea, and whenever I find someone who honestly makes it well known to me that they don't mind/care that I do that (or aren't offended or overly annoyed or understand it's something I do and cannot really stop), and are willing to talk to me like I'm a normal person through all that flogging, they're immediately someone I can trust.

 

[FemMecha]

I become distant, analytical, and horribly sad all at the same time. Upset typically translates into a cycle of anxiety-depression. I have some trouble processing anger because I don't like feeling out of control emotionally. I have spent a lifetime understanding and regulating my emotions. For some reason I feel more in control when sad than angry. I can be analytical even in that context. To regulate my emotions I have deliberately worked out systems broken down into stages. I've invented all sorts of behavioral therapy on myself which have often-times worked rather well. I overcame a few different sorts of paralyzing anxiety this way. I attempt the same approach with anger. This involves noticing early signs, and breaking things down into smaller steps that I can handle. I am afraid of anger, and so it is difficult for me to experience it in isolation. It tends to become intertwined with other emotions.

There are instances where I will act too quickly if I see a potentially harmful situation. In retrospect I will be amazed that I dived in so quickly without analysis and will question the wisdom of my action. In the moment I'm usually pretty shaky, but become so focus on resolving the problem that I feel forced to act. For example, several years ago I had upstairs neighbors who were borderline abusive. It was a family with two adolescent children. It was getting bad one day, so I went upstairs to knock on the door and ask for a cup of sugar to interrupt them. Looking back that was crazy risky, but at the time I was in that shaky, driven mode.

There is also a kind of frustration that feels like a total lock-down. This kind of thing can occur when my computer misbehaves and I don't have the knowledge or tools to diagnose it. Feeling incapable of solving a problem is really tough on me, so I am left exasperated. I have to just leave the room.

For me the personal flogging tends to replace the anger. When I was younger it was a constant problem. I would internalize everything. If someone treated me wrong, I would immediately internalize it rather than pushing back. I did express anger onto myself, and have learned a little better to put it on others where it belongs in certain situations as I have grown older. I think I had to cope by developing other systems in place of anger to break out of that routine.

I have come to view intense emotional upset as "emotional throwup". It's just something that happens from time to time, but it doesn't have to control me.

 

[wolfmaiden14]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Second stage (sometimes this just bypasses the first): Solar flare-esque emotional outburst. I say something that doesn't quite make sense, or it does make sense but there is more emotional charge to my words that I intend to use. I do this sometimes when someone is being completely ridiculous and I react more strongly to emotions that I didn't even consciously realise I was feeling. Or, I could be frustrated and might be saying things that aren't very kind to unsuspecting people.

Third stage: Blow up of the nuclear missile sort. By this point I have passed the threshold of all rational thought and have descended headlong into a rampage of anger/frustration. At some point, even the rampage isn't enough to express everything that's been bottled up and I start to cry at the same time I'm mindlessly shouting at someone.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.


Keep in mind that I really don't blow-up very often but I do do all the other things from time to time. Especially when I'm feeling generally down for reasons I don't understand. People rarely ever see the pathetic/outraged stuff, though.

Bingo! Unfortunately for me that third stage more often than not includes violence. But that's why I've built up a ridiculously high tolerance, I usually can even avoid the second stage. Very often I deal with the bottling by stomping around my living room at some point when I'm reflecting on the situation and venting off all the things I would have otherwise said to the person. It's an especially good exercise because then afterwards, it cools, and I can say it in a rational way should the situation occur again or the other person bring it up.

 

[Kiddo]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Second stage (sometimes this just bypasses the first): Solar flare-esque emotional outburst. I say something that doesn't quite make sense, or it does make sense but there is more emotional charge to my words that I intend to use. I do this sometimes when someone is being completely ridiculous and I react more strongly to emotions that I didn't even consciously realise I was feeling. Or, I could be frustrated and might be saying things that aren't very kind to unsuspecting people.

Third stage: Blow up of the nuclear missile sort. By this point I have passed the threshold of all rational thought and have descended headlong into a rampage of anger/frustration. At some point, even the rampage isn't enough to express everything that's been bottled up and I start to cry at the same time I'm mindlessly shouting at someone.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.

That sums it up pretty well for me.

 

[nightning]

Kyrielle's description fits me rather well too. It's like the "pressure cooker" syndrome... normally we're friendly and easy to get along with, but anger and frustration builds up until we lash out... suddenly.

That makes me wonder... Are INFJs typically more prone to volatile emotions? And to avoid exploding, we build walls around ourselves to keep things under control?

 

[PuddleRiver]

Kyrielle and tovlo and to a large extent toonia, especially when I was younger, sums it up pretty well for me too. IOW, me too.


Edit: I like nightning's "pressure cooker syndrome" too. It's exactly like me.

 

[shimsham]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: ...

Second stage: ...

Third stage: ...

Fourth stage: ...

Kyrielle's list also pretty much describes me perfectly. But, I rarely get extremely upset about things, usually only when the other person is being extremely unfair, or not listening, or yelling.

I can also go through a fifth stage, which usually follows a blow-up, when my mind suddenly becomes incredibly clear and my thoughts very coherent. If I'm calming down at this point, then I can quickly defuse the situation and be very diplomatic. But, if I'm still angry, I can be pointedly cruel with what I say, pinpointing the parts of the other person that they're most uncomfortable about. I have only reached that point a handful of times throughout my life. It is (of course) followed by the fourth stage (a mental self-flagellation, if you will).

 

[wedekit]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.

Hmmm, these two sound like me too. No crying though. I like to put emphasis on the first stage, which is where I usually have a stone-cold face with an icy stare right at the person that offended me. I don't speak, I don't move... I just glare. They can talk all they want but I will just glare. I hear it's pretty scary. Most of the time I just walk away afterwards, because I know the best way to get back at people is to not give them the response they are looking for.

When someone makes me furious, I say something. It is usually dry, sharp, and aimed right at the bread-basket. Then I leave and beat myself up and imagine that person talking crap behind my back. That's when I stay hidden and insecure.

 

[Domino]

I'm a moderate E, and my father is an INFJ (as are many of my friends). We all seem to relate to the method of anger, how it builds, what triggers it, and the incredible intensity of it. I can be anything from mildly annoyed to pitching things across the room (which I've reined in). I have my father's temper, no doubt about it. The worst possible sign is when I go quiet. I've been told by friends that it's something like the tide rushing out ahead of a tsunami. If I'm still verbal in any way, there's hope of calming me down. If I'm no longer speaking, it's time to sit on me and pray I don't wriggle loose. It's not often I get THAT mad because I like people so much and want to believe the best of everyone, so if I've been pushed to the dead silence stage, there's a seriously abusive problem going on. And I do the mental self-flaggelating sometimes -- like I have no right to my feelings and I'm wrong to be so angry and I should feel lucky that people like me when I'm so hard to handle. Garbage like that.

 

[quietgirl]

Detach, emotionally explode, detach out of embarassment for my emotional explosion which leads me into detached analyzation, cool down & try to work it out in the best possible way for both parties...

Then it depends on how it works out... I need closure of some sort, so if nothing gets resolved then I usually detach again (or I get angry again and start the whole thing over).

 

[cascadeco]

When I'm upset? I try to explain myself but usually make things more convoluted, then detach, get hurt/upset, think something's wrong with me and how I am and what I'm doing, and basically blaming myself. So the pattern is basically: Immediately questioning myself and beating myself up, and not questioning the other person's role/viewpoint.

After this initial phase I am able to see the other person played a role too, and I'm less emotionally affected by this point. This is where anger may enter the picture, although I'm not outwardly angry towards the other person. I'll instead become more logical/'robotic' in my responses, rather than lashing out - I just take the emotion completely out of it. I've been told I become rather 'robotic' when I'm angry/annoyed - I suppose in my attempt to keep things very civil while inside I'm incredibly worked up.

I don't think I've ever yelled or gotten really verbally angry at anyone in my life. I usually go straight to trying to figure out what *I* did to bring about the whole situation. Hmm.

 

[quietgirl]

When I'm upset? I try to explain myself but usually make things more convoluted, then detach, get hurt/upset, think something's wrong with me and how I am and what I'm doing, and basically blaming myself. So the pattern is basically: Immediately questioning myself and beating myself up, and not questioning the other person's role/viewpoint.

After this initial phase I am able to see the other person played a role too, and I'm less emotionally affected by this point. This is where anger may enter the picture, although I'm not outwardly angry towards the other person. I'll instead become more logical/'robotic' in my responses, rather than lashing out - I just take the emotion completely out of it. I've been told I become rather 'robotic' when I'm angry/annoyed - I suppose in my attempt to keep things very civil while inside I'm incredibly worked up.

I don't think I've ever yelled or gotten really verbally angry at anyone in my life. I usually go straight to trying to figure out what *I* did to bring about the whole situation. Hmm.

Explaining myself usually comes out in my emotional explosion stage. I overexplain myself during this time - usually through email.

I tend to blame myself & figure out what I did to make things fall apart during my analyzation stage. It's awful. Eventually I get really angry at the other person, but that's after beating myself up emotionally.

 

[MJ_]

I'm also one of the pressure cooker people. I do my best to avoid conflict, but on occasion its as though some things just reach a breaking point. There is a cumulative level of very quiet anger that leads to some outburst. Usually in private at some later time. Followed by the personal flogging. I have a long fuse, I'm fairly easygoing, but I try to minimize it.

Upset is different from angry, for me. Its more of an introspective mixture of self blame and tears. I get upset a lot more often than angry. I'll talk more when I'm upset.

For some reason I dislike being angry more than upset. Upset is easier to hide, its easier to manage, and its over quickly. It feels good to get over either of them, but the upset seems to be more productive in terms of working through the emotions. And the j part of me likens anger to having a temper, which is just plain wrong.

 

[cascadeco]

Explaining myself usually comes out in my emotional explosion stage. I overexplain myself during this time - usually through email.

I tend to blame myself & figure out what I did to make things fall apart during my analyzation stage. It's awful. Eventually I get really angry at the other person, but that's after beating myself up emotionally.

Ok, you just summed me up to a T. It had never occurred to me that my overexplaining via email (which is exactly what I do) is analagous to 'emotional explosion'.

But anyway, what you just wrote is what I do.