[INFJ] INFJ and the potential "stalker" within

[KLessard]

I don't know if you already see what I mean by this...

When I am interested in knowing someone better and see that fuzzy feelings are starting to fill me, I often start looking around for information on that person. I soon become very fascinated and start caring very much... I'm often afraid people will misunderstand (and it has happened), especially that fascinating person...

So I keep very discreet and quiet, and keep the lid tight over my emotions, especially around that person, even becoming cold and somewhat aloof.

And then if I express anything because I'm so exasperated nothing is happening and the person is not cooperating, I get the "You're so independant," "I didn't know you cared at all" "It's not all that easy to read you" and "I had no idea I had any importance to you!"

I am so afraid of becoming a stalker and hurt the potential relationship that I repress everything and live it mostly on the inside.

I'm not sure how to explain it...
Y'know what I mean?

 

[LindseyLadybug]

I completely understand! Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I've always felt like some kind of freak for suddenly caring for the person so strongly...and not knowing why. It leaves me baffled. And I know if people were to find out, they would think I am some kind of twisted person.

 

[EricHanson]

You don't have to be an INFJ. A lot of people act like that.

 

[KLessard]

You don't have to be an INFJ. A lot of people act like that.

Yeah... Do you Thinking types get this a lot? (Since you don't express feelings much?) But then, you don't feel as much either...

 

[KLessard]

I completely understand! Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I've always felt like some kind of freak for suddenly caring for the person so strongly...and not knowing why. It leaves me baffled. And I know if people were to find out, they would think I am some kind of twisted person.

You say you don't know why... Well, I think we idealists have to admit we are sometimes drawn to people because we believe we've found ideals in them, and they fascinate us just like an NT who's made a scientific discovery. The INFJ has made a human discovery and is ready to place it under the microscope of psychology and spirituality... This is where we have to be careful (in my experience) and to be really open-minded about who that person is, not what we think and hope she is. Then we start to love that person for real.
At the same time, I feel that I am often drawn to people who are "diamonds in the rough" and feel I might help them see it.

 

[Nyx]

I don't know if you already see what I mean by this...

When I am interested in knowing someone better and see that fuzzy feelings are starting to fill me, I often start looking around for information on that person. I soon become very fascinated and start caring very much... I'm often afraid people will misunderstand (and it has happened), especially that fascinating person...

So I keep very discreet and quiet, and keep the lid tight over my emotions, especially around that person, even becoming cold and somewhat aloof.

And then if I express anything because I'm so exasperated nothing is happening and the person is not cooperating, I get the "You're so independant," "I didn't know you cared at all" "It's not all that easy to read you" and "I had no idea I had any importance to you!"

I am so afraid of becoming a stalker and hurt the potential relationship that I repress everything and live it mostly on the inside.

I'm not sure how to explain it...
Y'know what I mean?

Yes I do. I do the same thing, actually I feel like I could have written that!

Sadly, this does not help me, but I find the prospect of being direct worse.

 

[Phantonym]

Sure, I do the "stalking" thing. Thank you, Internet. And not only with potential romantic partners. If something interests me, I do some research and if I find it fascinating, I get very deep.

But I've had it the other way round as well. People who don't interest me romantically but as fascinating human beings with whom I enjoy talking to. They misunderstand my sudden interest in getting to know them as something deeply romantic.

However, the information you've found can be interpreted in different ways and it can't always be reliable. A bit of background info is useful but you'd have to be careful not to let it get to you. As you said, the risk of idealizing that person is quite high if you don't control it. And it is hard to control if you're head over heals in your "fuzzy feelings".

 

[EcK]

*writes down names of participants*

 

[Phantonym]

*writes down names of participants*

You make it sound like stalking is something inherently sinister.

 

[EcK]

You make it sound like stalking is something inherently sinister.

Underlines sky's name twice

please ladies, don't mind me, i'm just being a silly bear.

 

[Phantonym]

Underlines sky's name twice

please ladies, don't mind me, i'm just being a silly bear.

*Pencils in the bears name in the stalker list. Twice*

 

[EcK]

*Pencils in the bears name in the stalker list. Twice*

I see, so you're stealing my things now!?
*takes more notes*
*seems to underline something many times*

 

[Thalassa]

*Pencils in the bears name in the stalker list. Twice*

Just remember if you smell a faint tinge of chocolate mixed with jelly, HIDE.

 

[BlahBlahNounBlah]

Just remember if you smell a faint tinge of chocolate mixed with jelly, HIDE.

 

[Synarch]

INFJ's do most everything under the surface. They play their cards close to their chests. It's not stalker-y to take an interest in someone. Now, if you drove by their house and waited outside to follow them to Carl's Jr. so you could still their Angus burger soiled napkin as a holy relic... that would be stalker-y.

 

[EcK]

Now, if you drove by their house and waited outside to follow them to Carl's Jr. so you could still their Angus burger soiled napkin as a holy relic... that would be stalker-y.

They'll never open up if you start holding them up to such standards!

 

[Skyward]

I know I am very tactical when I'm dealing with people, especially people I am interested in. I'm usualy interested in people I think are quite unique to the people around them, but that kind of interest slides into idealizing pretty quickly.

I've been learning to just talk to that person and let things flow naturally.

They'll never open up if you start holding them up to such standards!

'Open up?'

*writes the bear's name down on his own list.*

 

[The Outsider]

That is creepy.

I'll make sure to hide my information better.

 

[Lauren]

INFJ's do most everything under the surface. They play their cards close to their chests. It's not stalker-y to take an interest in someone. Now, if you drove by their house and waited outside to follow them to Carl's Jr. so you could still their Angus burger soiled napkin as a holy relic... that would be stalker-y.

Bolded the part I completely relate to. And, to the other person here who said that (essentially) being direct is like pulling teeth. I don't feel badly about myself for being this way (NFs can often feel badly about themselves), or for having a strong intuitive romantic feeling about someone. NFs pick up on nuances and often are correct about what is going on under the surface. One of the main ways human beings communicate is through sub-text and body language.

NFs also like go about things indirectly, and to another NF (I've found), they understand and appreciate the creative and seductive aspect of this. It's about patience, in a way. I also love and appreciate the mystery associated with having a strong, gut feeling about someone. If it's not reciprocated, I usually pick up on that right away. But, if it is, then you have the opportunity to experience, potentially, a great love, or someone who could change your life, in ways you may not expect. If an NF denigrates himself or herself about this, I feel they cut themselves off from their natural gifts, and lose an opportunity for a special friendship or deeper connection with someone.

About not being direct: it's extremely difficult for me to be direct (painful), especially when feelings are strong. I think you can be direct too soon and make the other person feel uncomfortable and back away. I would rather have the patience of Job then make someone feel as if their boundaries are being violated. At some point, though, I feel I have to take a risk and say what needs to be said. After all, the other person may be at sea as much as I am and needs me to take a chance.

Back to the main question: I've felt stalker-y only once with someone who was a pathological push-pull, come-forward, go-back individual. I was particularly vulnerable at the time, and it was not a good feeling to feel so....desperate. I'm stronger in myself now, and that helps when I have strong romantic feelings. I don't get quite so lost in the feelings.

 

[BMEF]

I don't know if you already see what I mean by this...

When I am interested in knowing someone better and see that fuzzy feelings are starting to fill me, I often start looking around for information on that person. I soon become very fascinated and start caring very much... I'm often afraid people will misunderstand (and it has happened), especially that fascinating person...

So I keep very discreet and quiet, and keep the lid tight over my emotions, especially around that person, even becoming cold and somewhat aloof.

And then if I express anything because I'm so exasperated nothing is happening and the person is not cooperating, I get the "You're so independant," "I didn't know you cared at all" "It's not all that easy to read you" and "I had no idea I had any importance to you!"

I am so afraid of becoming a stalker and hurt the potential relationship that I repress everything and live it mostly on the inside.

I'm not sure how to explain it...
Y'know what I mean?

I totally unnderstand you! Sometimes when I find someone interesting, I would secretly take things to the next level by trying to find out as much information as possible about that other person without him or her knowing.. Yet, no one would suspect me becuase I can be under the radar.. I guess that this is a common INFJ-ish thing.