[INFJ] INFJ and Compliments

[chippinchunk]

That was cool. It's nice to know I'm not completely crazy, or rude. I thought it was a bit strange myself, but now im comforted knowing im not the only one.

 

[wedekit]

Compliments... They make me uncomfortable as the recipient and the giver. Just my own insecurity.

 

[Pseudonym_Alpha]

Well.........I take compliments alright, it's success that I have an issue with.

It's like I fear that if I succeed at something, especially on a high level, like academics for arguments' sake, then they will constantly expect that of me.

In other words to me, it would feel as though I had failed them in some aspect, If I don't manage to attain that same level again. I've been talking to my psychologist about it, and she said that Fear of success is definitely something thats apparent in me. My question is are their any other INFJ's that have this same idea occurring ?

 

[Nadir]

In other words to me, it would feel as though I had failed them in some aspect, If I don't manage to attain that same level again. I've been talking to my psychologist about it, and she said that Fear of success is definitely something thats apparent in me. My question is are their any other INFJ's that have this same idea occurring ?

Yes. To give you an example, when my classmates ask me for help regarding the English language, (such as when they need me to translate a word, a text, or their thought to English or vice versa) I always ask for the context, or what they mean, etc. I need that information because I'm afraid that otherwise the result won't be good enough and/or won't meet their expectations of me (as I'm considered to have a good grasp of the language)

 

[Gabe]

Now calling anyone out here, but if you're an INFJ, you should be a natural with compliments. Compliments are really the domain of extraverted feeling.

 

[JustDave]

Giving or receiving compliments? The reason I ask is my friends often note tha I know just the right thing to say at the moment.

Anyway just wondering ...

 

[wedekit]

But it is more natural for us to see through the perspectives of others (Ni), causing us to question whether they actually mean it or not.

 

[JustDave]

Right now I not even sure if I am an INFJ as many members of this forum think otherwise.

So, feel free to ignore my postings for this thread.

 

[armstrongvk12]

Right now I not even sure if I am an INFJ as many members of this forum think otherwise.

So, feel free to ignore my postings for this thread.

What makes you think you aren't an INFJ? Several comments that you have made make me think that perhaps you are an INFJ...as a male INFJ friend of mine says the same things.

 

[Shinzon]

*

 

[armstrongvk12]

When someone compliments me I appreciate it in retrospect, but it makes me very uncomfortable in the moment. Its a form of attention and I don't like attention on me.

This is good to know so I can keep it in mind when I give my INFJ friend compliments as I don't want him to think that the compliments are hollow.

 

[Kyrielle]

Well.........I take compliments alright, it's success that I have an issue with.

It's like I fear that if I succeed at something, especially on a high level, like academics for arguments' sake, then they will constantly expect that of me.

In other words to me, it would feel as though I had failed them in some aspect, If I don't manage to attain that same level again. I've been talking to my psychologist about it, and she said that Fear of success is definitely something thats apparent in me. My question is are their any other INFJ's that have this same idea occurring ?

Yes, definitely. I like being competent at what I do, maybe even more than competent, but when other people start expecting me to be competent all the time, I suddenly want to take my ball and go home. Game's over, sorry, not gonna play anymore.

I think it stems from our own sense of perfectionism. I mean, maybe it's just me, but it's bad enough that I want to be absolutely perfect whenever that's possible. When other people start expecting me to be "perfect" (because expecting me to do well is expecting me to be perfect to me), it's like suddenly anything I do won't ever be good enough.

 

[Alchemist]

In the past, compliments made me uncomfortable. I thought people were just being nice (and some were), and my self-image was relatively low. I also felt that I was somehow obligated to compliment back, and I'd struggle to find something.

Now I just say 'thanks' and smile sincerely. If it's about my clothes, I talk about where I got them from and why I picked them, because that's usually what people ask anyway. If it's about my personality, I smile and say, 'Thanks. You know what? That's really kind of you to say that.'

My rule for myself is to never give out superficial compliments (you have beautiful eyes, love your shirt, etc.). If I make a compliment, I make it about the personality if it really stands out, and it's always sincere. I don't make it the focus of a conversation though.

-A

 

[unsung truth]

interesting...

I'd say if the compliment is sincere then I don't have any problems and I'll usually thank the person and try to find something that I can honestly compliment them about, if not immediately then sometime in the future. It also helps break that ice for me and I try to entrust them with deeper aspects of myself.

Now if i'm in a bad mood and dont think it's sincere, then I'll either ignore it or nod and smile. I might also criticize them for lacking depth and sincerity (this happens very very rarely)

 

[wedekit]

interesting...

I'd say if the compliment is sincere then I don't have any problems and I'll usually thank the person and try to find something that I can honestly compliment them about, if not immediately then sometime in the future. It also helps break that ice for me and I try to entrust them with deeper aspects of myself.

Now if i'm in a bad mood and dont think it's sincere, then I'll either ignore it or nod and smile. I might also criticize them for lacking depth and sincerity (this happens very very rarely)

But that's the problem for me! Sometimes it's not very obvious if they truly meant what they said or if they are just trying to be nice. >__<

It seems rather paranoid to have this kind of mindset, but it's totally the Ni combined with poor self-image in my case. It's strange how I can admit that I have poor self-image and still it really doesn't change anything. Although I am not as well versed in the Enneagram as I am the MBTI, I know that 4w5 (a common type for INFJ's) tends to worry a lot about being recognized positively by the "in crowd" which is turned into shame. I would think that my desire to be "part of the crowd" (which I admit is STUPID to stress out about) comes from past rejection of the same crowd. It's like I'm trying to become friends with the enemy or something. I feel like people don't like me, but ironically at the same time I have been told I am popular. I would say that it is easy for me to find common ground with people, and finding common ground with various people that I don't necessarily talk to all the time makes me well known.

I recently bought a MBTI book (Personality Type: An Owner's Manual) that discussed how INxJ's immerse themselves in their Ni and then use their secondary function as a protection of sorts. If we don't have a fine balance between reality and our inner world we have opened ourselves up for insecurity that comes from reality due to our "protective" Fe. I mix up myown feelings with the feelings of others. I personally feel insecure about myself and I find a way to fit criticizing thoughts into other people's head that are probably not even there.

Thus, sometimes I take compliments as hidden criticism. I'm working on fixing that but it's much easier said than done. I guess I'm supposed to put myself on a Ni diet or something. NOT cool.

 

[unsung truth]

admittedly I have the problem of wanting to be with the "in crowd" as well, but it's mainly when I'm in a bad mood, feeling isolated, and have had no recent contact with close friends. Also if I have a crush on someone I become paranoid about how they think of me.

I'd say my positive self-image will usually keep me away from the paranoid thoughts, although my mood is a roller-coaster and during those low periods I go through essentially what you described.

 

[tovlo]

Yes, definitely. I like being competent at what I do, maybe even more than competent, but when other people start expecting me to be competent all the time, I suddenly want to take my ball and go home. Game's over, sorry, not gonna play anymore.

This tendency is why I was a job-hopper at the beginning of my working life. I was considered a star until my level of performance became my expected norm. I couldn't bear not exceeding others expectations anymore and so would leave to find somewhere expectations were lower.

Thankfully I've grown past acting on this tendency now at least.

I recently bought a MBTI book (Personality Type: An Owner's Manual) that discussed how INxJ's immerse themselves in their Ni and then use their secondary function as a protection of sorts. If we don't have a fine balance between reality and our inner world we have opened ourselves up for insecurity that comes from reality due to our "protective" Fe.

Interesting. I've not heard this before, but something about it feels right. I've been thinking about how Fe affects an INFJ's behavior and how it might be different because of dominant Ni. This little bit of information will certainly have me pondering.

 

[wedekit]

Interesting. I've not heard this before, but something about it feels right. I've been thinking about how Fe affects an INFJ's behavior and how it might be different because of dominant Ni. This little bit of information will certainly have me pondering.

The book in general is probably the most informative one I have. The later chapters aren't divided by temperament or type, but rather by their dominant functions. For the Ni chapter, it first goes into great detail about how Ni work in INxJs and then much later it goes over INTJs and INFJs separately. The way they explain Ni is SO much more helpful than anything I've read on the web. I haven't got around to reading the other function chapters, but I hopefully will sometime soon; school has me currently swamped. It even has smaller sections in the chapter dedicated to Ne vs Ni, how having an inferior Se affects us and how trying to develop it becomes problematic to us, Ni vs a Sensate Culture, and Ni vs Reality. To me, it is so much more informative because it actually gives specific whys to our behavior instead of just flat-out-telling us without explanation. Suddenly I am able to pin-point problems that I have so that I can start finding a solution. An example being how INxJs defensively respond to views that conflict with theirs (INFJ's views mostly being personal values or ethics) by using their second function to "dismantle" the other person's possibly valid argument. Not to mention how it pointed out and discussed an Ni's almost constant conflict between their inner world of thoughts and reality. No wonder I seem to trip on or spill everything!

I would also like to mention that it uses pretty good examples and quotes from things such as the X-Files and famous comedians. This helped me a lot because texts frequently use Star Trek as an example and I have never seen an episode of it in my life; so they basically don't help me at all.

The only thing this book didn't adequately cover is intertype relations. It just went over the basic P/J, T/F, and S/N conflicts in relations, but not relations between the dominant functions of types and so on. I didn't even try to say "INFJs are best paired with ____." Maybe the author didn't feel comfortable making those kind of generalized claims.

 

[tovlo]

The book in general is probably the most informative one I have. The later chapters aren't divided by temperament or type, but rather by their dominant functions. For the Ni chapter, it first goes into great detail about how Ni work in INxJs and then much later it goes over INTJs and INFJs separately. The way they explain Ni is SO much more helpful than anything I've read on the web. I haven't got around to reading the other function chapters, but I hopefully will sometime soon; school has me currently swamped. It even has smaller sections in the chapter dedicated to Ne vs Ni, how having an inferior Se affects us and how trying to develop it becomes problematic to us, Ni vs a Sensate Culture, and Ni vs Reality.

It sounds wonderful! I would like to purchase that book, but had trouble finding it at Amazon. Would you mind linking to it somewhere or posting the ISBN? Thanks!

Not to mention how it pointed out and discussed an Ni's almost constant conflict between their inner world of thoughts and reality. No wonder I seem to trip on or spill everything!

You too?!

It didn't even try to say "INFJs are best paired with ____." Maybe the author didn't feel comfortable making those kind of generalized claims.

Well, I've got to admit reserve like that endears me to the author(s) even more.

 

[marm]

Tovlo, you're already familiar with the author's ideas even if not with her book. The author is Lenore Thomson.

Amazon.com: Personality Type (Jung on the Hudson Book Series): Books: Lenore Thomson