olivetti
New member
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2014
- Messages
- 40
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 9w1
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/so
I saw a post today that mentioned someone who wished they were asexual. I almost responded to the thread, but I felt it was too old to resurrect. That, and many of the responses simply made me angry because they were steeped in a lot of ignorance. Asexuality is not a disease. Nor is demisexuality. Having a low or non-existent sex drive does NOT make you a mental case or obscene or a pariah. My God.
Things to ponder:
1. You don't choose to be an asexual or demisexual. You are it, like you are heterosexual or you are homosexual. It is you.
2. You don't "grow out of it" by finding the right person.
3. Yes for God's sakes, you can still have a sex drive. It can be low or seldom, but it can still exist. It's just not as common.
4. "More sex" won't cure it.
5. You aren't someone to be pitied if you don't have a strong sex drive, or a non-existent one (it isn't a disease).
6. You still enjoy life, have a good time, and you *can* have a good and healthy self-esteem.
7. You're not "searching" for your sexuality if you're asexual or demi.
8. No one is really 100% anything when it comes to sexuality.
9. You're not a mental case any more than anyone who is homosexual or pansexual is a mental case (again, not a disease).
10. Choosing celibacy is not the same as being asexual or demisexual. Celibacy is a conscious choice, like fasting. It does not come naturally to the celibate person, and they usually are fighting their urges. Asexuals and demisexuals don't have urges to fight. Or they rarely do.
11. And no. You don't become asexual or demisexual due to a "bad sexual experience." Just...No.
If I really had to say it, the most difficult part of being asexual or demisexual is not the idea of having/not having sex. Having sex isn't important to me. I'm in my fourth decade of life and I've had one sexual relationship. I have not had sex in more than two decades and I'm not the worse for it. I simply don't care about it. I've written about sex in fictionalized accounts, but I don't do it. It's like breathing to me; I don't notice it unless someone brings it to my attention.
The most difficult thing about being demisexual/asexual (or "Gray-A", which is usually how I type myself) is the lack of a sexual urge. Sometimes you can really be with the "perfect person" but you aren't turned on by them sexually. That can create some distance. It can feel like an extended friendship - a truly close friendship. Intimacy can be murky. I like hugs, I like kisses, I like holding hands, I like intimate conversations. But I don't have to go farther than that. I have friends I've known for many years (both male and female) and occasionally I've wondered what it would be like to be with them, but it's never gone past that thought. Sometimes I feel my relationships with my friends are far more intimate than a sexual relationship could ever be...and I prefer that.
Sex is just an act, to me. It's a physical act. It doesn't cause me to be closer to someone else. I might as well do the dishes. It feels good, but so does getting to an itch that's bothering you. Putting aloe vera on a sunburn feels good too. Maybe I'm being too cynical, and I apologize. But honestly, sex means nothing to me. It's a temporary feeling.
When you're demisexual when you "fall in love" with someone it means more than the physical appearance. It means your minds have connected and with the mind, a bond is created. And with that bond, a sudden awakening for that person blooms. That can be a sexual feeling (often can happen with some demisexuals) or it could be a yearning for intimacy. I have fallen in love with one person in my life, but I remember that feeling. I haven't had it since then, but it nearly knocked me off my pins.
If you are asexual or demisexual, you'll eventually want to tell your partner - especially if they're a sexual sort. They may not understand that it's not because you're "not in the mood" or it's "that time of the month" (please). It's because you genuinely do not want it. Is your partner okay with sex on a rare occasion, if at all? If not, marrying that person could be a very bad idea. Because one of you will not be happy.
Some asexuals and demisexuals marry and "go along" with sex for their partners. I'm not sure that's always a good idea. I think both partners need to be on the same page, or it could cause some miscommunication later.
Anyway. This is too long as it is. I have to put in my two cents because it's important to me. But if you have questions, feel free to ask.
Things to ponder:
1. You don't choose to be an asexual or demisexual. You are it, like you are heterosexual or you are homosexual. It is you.
2. You don't "grow out of it" by finding the right person.
3. Yes for God's sakes, you can still have a sex drive. It can be low or seldom, but it can still exist. It's just not as common.
4. "More sex" won't cure it.
5. You aren't someone to be pitied if you don't have a strong sex drive, or a non-existent one (it isn't a disease).
6. You still enjoy life, have a good time, and you *can* have a good and healthy self-esteem.
7. You're not "searching" for your sexuality if you're asexual or demi.
8. No one is really 100% anything when it comes to sexuality.
9. You're not a mental case any more than anyone who is homosexual or pansexual is a mental case (again, not a disease).
10. Choosing celibacy is not the same as being asexual or demisexual. Celibacy is a conscious choice, like fasting. It does not come naturally to the celibate person, and they usually are fighting their urges. Asexuals and demisexuals don't have urges to fight. Or they rarely do.
11. And no. You don't become asexual or demisexual due to a "bad sexual experience." Just...No.
If I really had to say it, the most difficult part of being asexual or demisexual is not the idea of having/not having sex. Having sex isn't important to me. I'm in my fourth decade of life and I've had one sexual relationship. I have not had sex in more than two decades and I'm not the worse for it. I simply don't care about it. I've written about sex in fictionalized accounts, but I don't do it. It's like breathing to me; I don't notice it unless someone brings it to my attention.
The most difficult thing about being demisexual/asexual (or "Gray-A", which is usually how I type myself) is the lack of a sexual urge. Sometimes you can really be with the "perfect person" but you aren't turned on by them sexually. That can create some distance. It can feel like an extended friendship - a truly close friendship. Intimacy can be murky. I like hugs, I like kisses, I like holding hands, I like intimate conversations. But I don't have to go farther than that. I have friends I've known for many years (both male and female) and occasionally I've wondered what it would be like to be with them, but it's never gone past that thought. Sometimes I feel my relationships with my friends are far more intimate than a sexual relationship could ever be...and I prefer that.
Sex is just an act, to me. It's a physical act. It doesn't cause me to be closer to someone else. I might as well do the dishes. It feels good, but so does getting to an itch that's bothering you. Putting aloe vera on a sunburn feels good too. Maybe I'm being too cynical, and I apologize. But honestly, sex means nothing to me. It's a temporary feeling.
When you're demisexual when you "fall in love" with someone it means more than the physical appearance. It means your minds have connected and with the mind, a bond is created. And with that bond, a sudden awakening for that person blooms. That can be a sexual feeling (often can happen with some demisexuals) or it could be a yearning for intimacy. I have fallen in love with one person in my life, but I remember that feeling. I haven't had it since then, but it nearly knocked me off my pins.
If you are asexual or demisexual, you'll eventually want to tell your partner - especially if they're a sexual sort. They may not understand that it's not because you're "not in the mood" or it's "that time of the month" (please). It's because you genuinely do not want it. Is your partner okay with sex on a rare occasion, if at all? If not, marrying that person could be a very bad idea. Because one of you will not be happy.
Some asexuals and demisexuals marry and "go along" with sex for their partners. I'm not sure that's always a good idea. I think both partners need to be on the same page, or it could cause some miscommunication later.
Anyway. This is too long as it is. I have to put in my two cents because it's important to me. But if you have questions, feel free to ask.
