RiderOnTheStorm
E. N.. T... :P
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2008
- Messages
- 792
- Enneagram
- 6w7
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/so
This last relationship really set me into some sort of remission. All that I thought I could ever want was what this person was. Then something went horribly wrong. What it was, I still don't know for sure. This person is by far one of the most complex people I have ever come across. I can't help but find this fascinating to a never ending degree.
Is this what an obsession is like? If so, I've never experienced anything like it and I am starting to think I have gone mental. That's the honest truth.
Now I am rethinking what it is exactly that I thought I wanted and what do I think I want in the future. I find myself sizing up other guys to meet, or exceed what I had with this person, and I tell you, not a one comes close. It's soon after the break-up, I know. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship. Always seeking on a subconscious level I suppose. I need time to assess and take in the full experience of the relationship and break it down into pro and con categories. i.e. "What could I have done? What could they have done? I liked this, that, and such and such, but didn't like this, that and the other. Their quirks were unique and was part of who they were. What did they bring out in me, and vice versa?" Etc.. *Learns, grows.*
This one hit me at the core. Fuckin' mortal blow straight to the heart. Before he came along there was 10ft of bulletproof glass in front of my heart. All he had to do was tap on it and that wall went to pieces.
Ah, man. I really had it bad. :/
I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to text him, but didn't. I think I'm showing amazing control on my part. When we first broke up I was texting him all the time. Even cried in a message to him on his voice mail. I felt so disappointed in myself after I did that. I've never seen this weakness in me before. I had absolutely no control. *shivers* There's a first time for everything, I guess.
During the "OMG, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" phase of our relationship, I cut off a good section of my hair and sent it to him. Maybe by the time it grows out to the length of the rest of my hair I'll have moved on. (I have rather long hair) I texted him that about a week or so ago. On the 16th of this month....A week ago. It seems so much longer than that. Bah.
I will admit, before him I was somewhat of a maneater. My voice is a weapon. My eyes and demeanor; seductive, sincere, relaxing. I have a real gift for making people feel at ease. Thinking about it again now, maybe not so much of a "maneater" as I was/am a prober of minds. It just so happens that I happen to pick apart some men in that way. At least the ones that I see a potential mate-up with. All in the name of self discovery. Just call me a disregarder of feelings. I don't mean to do this. It just happens this way. No matter how much control I think I have over myself, thine instincts will always blind side me. I, am Mother Nature's bitch. Never will she let me forget it.
I don't do this for any reason other than my own personal gain of understanding how that person works and why they are the way they are. I build meaningful relationships based on truth, trust and loyalty. Once this bond is established, one has a friend for life. Nothing ever goes past said person(s) and I. I am 99% certain I can say that I will take many secrets to the grave.
At times I feel like I'm cursed, but at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way.
All of this can be summarized in a in a single song according to my train of thought.
Zero
My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only
"In the end, everything we do, is just everything we've done."
Is this what an obsession is like? If so, I've never experienced anything like it and I am starting to think I have gone mental. That's the honest truth.
Now I am rethinking what it is exactly that I thought I wanted and what do I think I want in the future. I find myself sizing up other guys to meet, or exceed what I had with this person, and I tell you, not a one comes close. It's soon after the break-up, I know. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship. Always seeking on a subconscious level I suppose. I need time to assess and take in the full experience of the relationship and break it down into pro and con categories. i.e. "What could I have done? What could they have done? I liked this, that, and such and such, but didn't like this, that and the other. Their quirks were unique and was part of who they were. What did they bring out in me, and vice versa?" Etc.. *Learns, grows.*
This one hit me at the core. Fuckin' mortal blow straight to the heart. Before he came along there was 10ft of bulletproof glass in front of my heart. All he had to do was tap on it and that wall went to pieces.
Ah, man. I really had it bad. :/I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to text him, but didn't. I think I'm showing amazing control on my part. When we first broke up I was texting him all the time. Even cried in a message to him on his voice mail. I felt so disappointed in myself after I did that. I've never seen this weakness in me before. I had absolutely no control. *shivers* There's a first time for everything, I guess.
During the "OMG, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" phase of our relationship, I cut off a good section of my hair and sent it to him. Maybe by the time it grows out to the length of the rest of my hair I'll have moved on. (I have rather long hair) I texted him that about a week or so ago. On the 16th of this month....A week ago. It seems so much longer than that.
Bah.I will admit, before him I was somewhat of a maneater. My voice is a weapon. My eyes and demeanor; seductive, sincere, relaxing. I have a real gift for making people feel at ease. Thinking about it again now, maybe not so much of a "maneater" as I was/am a prober of minds. It just so happens that I happen to pick apart some men in that way. At least the ones that I see a potential mate-up with. All in the name of self discovery. Just call me a disregarder of feelings. I don't mean to do this. It just happens this way. No matter how much control I think I have over myself, thine instincts will always blind side me. I, am Mother Nature's bitch. Never will she let me forget it.
I don't do this for any reason other than my own personal gain of understanding how that person works and why they are the way they are. I build meaningful relationships based on truth, trust and loyalty. Once this bond is established, one has a friend for life. Nothing ever goes past said person(s) and I. I am 99% certain I can say that I will take many secrets to the grave.
At times I feel like I'm cursed, but at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way.
All of this can be summarized in a in a single song according to my train of thought.
Zero
My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only
"In the end, everything we do, is just everything we've done."
