[ISTJ] How to handle a violent ISTJ

[Kitty Lancaster]

Ok guys. This scenario will take a lot of explaining but I really need help. So I know these two guys, they are brothers The older is an ISTJ and the younger is an ENFP. So first off they are complete opposites, which doesn't help matters. The problem is that the ISTJ is very violent towards the ENFP- both physically and verbally, to the point that the ENFP is in pretty much constant physical pain somewhere on his body, and is emotionally very insecure.
Also, I should mention that I am dating the ENFP. No one knows this because we aren't "old enough" so we haven't told anybody, but the ISTJ is pretty suspicious and he will tease the ENFP about me and insult me in front of him when I'm not around.
Well, it's very true that INFPs like myself loathe conflict, and this situation is emotionally hurting me almost as much as the ENFP. However, anytime I try to get involved, the ISTJ along with my parents tell me to leave it alone; that it's "not my fight". I tried a verbal assault once, but it didn't phase the ISTJ. (They are so aggravatingly confident in their rightness!) Right now I'm trying to just ignore him, but I'm still aching to get him to leave the ENFP alone. Another big problem is that the ENFP refuses to retaliate. He truly adores his big brother and despite my encouragements will not hurt him.
I've been trying to figure out why the ISTJ acts this way in the first place, and the obvious reason is that he is jealous of his younger brother, who has more friends and a much kinder heart. I imagine that he hates how hateful he is, but the fact that he can't seem to do anything about it only causes him to be angrier and more aggressive.
Anyway, now that you know the background information, please please give me wise suggestions for dealing with this ISTJ. How would you prefer being approached, and what would just make you angry? Are there ways I could help him? Because I truly want to do this in a way that builds him up. I want him to stop out of love and kindness (both from me and his brother to him, and from him to his brother) , not because somebody pinned him to a wall and punched his guts out unless he promised to stop. So how can I love him through this? And how can I make him stop?

-Kitty

 

[Hawthorne]

...
[MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION], this is your chance.

I feel very confident in saying that this ISTJ's issues sit very firmly outside the realm of typology.

Maybe a psychologist would help. Or a police officer.

Sorry I can't offer more.

 

[ceecee]

Ah, the wonderfulness that goes with conflict avoidance. Call the police. You're not loving anyone through anything but you can do something about a person being assaulted right in front of your face and I swear to god if I hear a single reason you can't dial 911, I'm going to lose my shit.

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

...
[MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION], this is your chance.

I feel very confident in saying that this ISTJ's issues sit very firmly outside the realm of typology.

Maybe a psychologist would help. Or a police officer.

Sorry I can't offer more.

I realize that the way he is acting isn't because of his type, what I need is advice on how to approach him about it in a way that would reach him, which typology can certainly help with.

 

[Yama]

Don't get personally involved. Do not try to physically confront someone, of any type, that you know is abusive. It's abuse, and you should call the police or encourage your boyfriend to do so. As minors completely dependent on parents, that's really your only option.

On a side not, my mother is an ENFP and my father is an ISTJ. Their marriage was a very unhappy one and my mother felt emotionally abused. Now that they're apart, both of them are much happier.

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

Ah, the wonderfulness that goes with conflict avoidance. Call the police. You're not loving anyone through anything but you can do something about a person being assaulted right in front of your face and I swear to god if I hear a single reason you can't dial 911, I'm going to lose my shit.

His parents are aware of it and his dad is a pastor. If they haven't called the police yet then it's not my place.
And to clearly define the physical abuse, it's mostly punches and slaps to the face and gut and a bruised ankle that was "accidentally" stepped on during a soccer game

 

[Golden]

Honestly... The ENFP needs to beat the ISTJ down. I don't believe in violence unless the situation warrants it. The younger brother needs to show the older brother what he's made of. Just my opinion.

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

Honestly... The ENFP needs to beat the ISTJ down. I don't believe in violence unless the situation warrants it. The younger brother needs to show the older brother what he's made of. Just my opinion.

I've tried to convince him to do this but he refuses. He says he can't bring himself to hurt his brother, which I think is partially true because he is such a kind and sympathetic person, but I think that really he's also afraid that he isn't strong enough, and that he will just get more hurt in the process, and I don't know what to do about that

 

[ceecee]

His parents are aware of it and his dad is a pastor. If they haven't called the police yet then it's not my place.
And to clearly define the physical abuse, it's mostly punches and slaps to the face and gut and a bruised ankle that was "accidentally" stepped on during a soccer game

What does that have to do with anything? You can just stand there and wring your hands because that's what you do. And yes someone needs to kick the shit out of the ISTJ. Preferably the ENFP but I'm not holding my breath.

 

[Golden]

I've tried to convince him to do this but he refuses. He says he can't bring himself to hurt his brother, which I think is partially true because he is such a kind and sympathetic person, but I think that really he's also afraid that he isn't strong enough, and that he will just get more hurt in the process, and I don't know what to do about that

Yeah I understand that. It's a tough situation to be in.

 

[Yama]

His parents are aware of it and his dad is a pastor. If they haven't called the police yet then it's not my place.
And to clearly define the physical abuse, it's mostly punches and slaps to the face and gut and a bruised ankle that was "accidentally" stepped on during a soccer game

This is my personal ethical viewpoint, so you may choose to ignore it if you so wish: I believe that if you have witnessed the abuse and the effects of this abuse and no one else will do anything, then it is your place. If his parents are aware of it and choose to do nothing then they are just as much a part of the abuse as the older brother is. So many children are abused and neglected and die, and while I am in no way trying to infer that the level of abuse is that bad as I only have minimal information on the situation, I would never be able to live with myself if I simply did nothing to help someone who I knew was being abused. "Thou shall not be a perpetrator, thou shall not be a victim, and thou shall never, but never, be a bystander." -- Yehuda Bauer.

I know you are asking for guidance on how to intervene yourself. However, in the end, you have absolutely no authority over him. His parents do, but they do nothing. You have to go up to the next level, and that's law enforcement. I know it's scary, but that is truly what I believe is the best bit of advice. I have no idea the true extent of this abuse, but it is always better to be safe rather than sorry.

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

This is my personal ethical viewpoint, so you may choose to ignore it if you so wish: I believe that if you have witnessed the abuse and the effects of this abuse and no one else will do anything, then it is your place. If his parents are aware of it and choose to do nothing then they are just as much a part of the abuse as the older brother is. So many children are abused and neglected and die, and while I am in no way trying to infer that the level of abuse is that bad as I only have minimal information on the situation, I would never be able to live with myself if I simply did nothing to help someone who I knew was being abused. "Thou shall not be a perpetrator, thou shall not be a victim, and thou shall never, but never, be a bystander." -- Yehuda Bauer.

I know you are asking for guidance on how to intervene yourself. However, in the end, you have absolutely no authority over him. His parents do, but they do nothing. You have to go up to the next level, and that's law enforcement. I know it's scary, but that is truly what I believe is the best bit of advice. I have no idea the true extent of this abuse, but it is always better to be safe rather than sorry.

I understand that, but i don't believe it's bad enough for the police yet. (What are the laws on this anyway?) Also I just found out that his dad is not aware of it so maybe if he finds out things will change.

 

[miss fortune]

I understand that, but i don't believe it's bad enough for the police yet. (What are the laws on this anyway?) Also I just found out that his dad is not aware of it so maybe if he finds out things will change.

the laws would depend upon the state, but in my EMT class this summer we went over the laws and ethics of abuse situations or even situations where there is a suspicion of abuse... even if you don't have proof calling the police is considered the proper thing to do

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

the laws would depend upon the state, but in my EMT class this summer we went over the laws and ethics of abuse situations or even situations where there is a suspicion of abuse... even if you don't have proof calling the police is considered the proper thing to do

Yes but I'm wondering how they would define abuse, and if this would count. I only have one brother so I'm not very experienced in brother relationships, but my dad has three and he said they never punched eachother.

 

[miss fortune]

Yes but I'm wondering how they would define abuse, and if this would count. I only have one brother so I'm not very experienced in brother relationships, but my dad has three and he said they never punched eachother.

Here is a site that describes what constitutes as several different types of abuse... may be helpful. But as I said, all that's needed is a suspicion...

 

[Yama]

Yes but I'm wondering how they would define abuse, and if this would count. I only have one brother so I'm not very experienced in brother relationships, but my dad has three and he said they never punched eachother.

Someone's being hit and they don't want to be hit--that alone qualifies as abuse.

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

Someone's being hit and they don't want to be hit--that alone qualifies as abuse.

But what could the police do?
And it would destroy the family. The mom is so torn up about it, the younger children would be scared senseless, and the brothers would loss any chance of reconciliation. I really love this family I have known them for 6 years I would hate to do this to them.

 

[Yama]

But what could the police do?
And it would destroy the family. The mom is so torn up about it, the younger children would be scared senseless, and the brothers would loss any chance of reconciliation. I really love this family I have known them for 6 years I would hate to do this to them.

If his family knows about the abuse and does nothing, then the family is destroying him. Convince them to send the older brother to counseling and anger management, call the police to intervene, or the abuse will not stop and will almost certainly escalate.

 

[Kitty Lancaster]

If his family knows about the abuse and does nothing, then the family is destroying him. Convince them to send the older brother to counseling and anger management, call the police to intervene, or the abuse will not stop and will almost certainly escalate.

I agree a counselor would be a good idea but I don't think the abuse is against the law the police would say that it's just typical brotherly squabbles

 

[Yama]

I agree a counselor would be a good idea but I don't think the abuse is against the law the police would say that it's just typical brotherly squabbles

Child abuse is against the law, though no one can help unless it's brought to their attention. Take pictures of the bruises and the damage. There's a difference between siblings being rough and abuse, and photos are good backup evidence.