[ISTJ] How to Escape Female ISTJ

[hjomn]

Anyway, that might only work temporarily. Could possibly give the wrong impression. You say that, and the subtext is "but I would totally love to date you if you weren't my student." She might try and continue her behaviour so that when she's out of your class she can continue pursuing you.

Not to be pessimist or anything.

I wouldn't do that. For me, that would really give me the impression she's not doing it just because it's against the rules, and you can bet your boots I would really try to overpower her with some all-encompassing love.

Hmm, she ignores the not-texting-back and not-being-spontaneous clues too huh? I'd definitely notice that, but I guess some people just barge on. Maybe you should just try to keep ignoring her and do it more and more noticeably. Eventually she will notice, and if that's not the case, you could still tell her to back off.

Really, I've been in love with a good friend before which didn't quite work. When I realized she didn't have the hots for me, I backed off quite a bit for a few months because I knew my feeling would betray me if I would still act like its nothing. I hate to disappoint you, but I am afraid you're going to have to really back off, also as a friend, to shake her off your back. Really, if she's a nice friend, she will understand and things will get better once she's over it. If not, she's not worth being your friend.

 

[d@v3]

Just as long as you dont feel stuck to that if you meet a really awesome student you want to date.

I agree with Costrin, trying to save someone's feelings by saying "oh if not for xxx I would date you" is a bad idea. You end up with people who are extremely into you and convinced that you are the one when you do it that way. Trust me.

What if she decided to stop being a student for you? Weirder things have happened.

I see, you and Costrin are doing a good job at covering my bases! The good news is, as long as I can hold out until the beginning of May, I'm golden! Then I will be switching schools and I'll be moving!

 

[Costrin]

I see, you and Costrin are doing a good job at covering my bases! The good news is, as long as I can hold out until the beginning of May, I'm golden! Then I will be switching schools and I'll be moving!

Until she moves also.

 

[d@v3]

I wouldn't do that. For me, that would really give me the impression she's not doing it just because it's against the rules, and you can bet your boots I would really try to overpower her with some all-encompassing love.

Hmm, she ignores the not-texting-back and not-being-spontaneous clues too huh? I'd definitely notice that, but I guess some people just barge on. Maybe you should just try to keep ignoring her and do it more and more noticeably. Eventually she will notice, and if that's not the case, you could still tell her to back off.

Really, I've been in love with a good friend before which didn't quite work. When I realized she didn't have the hots for me, I backed off quite a bit for a few months because I knew my feeling would betray me if I would still act like its nothing. I hate to disappoint you, but I am afraid you're going to have to really back off, also as a friend, to shake her off your back. Really, if she's a nice friend, she will understand and things will get better once she's over it. If not, she's not worth being your friend.

But I think she DOES notice, she just doesn't care. lol The trick is getting her to cool her jets until then!

 

[Habba]

Why are you calling me "Davey"?

I like the sound of it.

Reminds me of Gravey and Jobriath from the Simpsons.

I think we ISTJs are very unyielding when it comes to being turned down. As we are not extroverts, we tend to keep our crushes to ourselves, and only make a move when we think it will grow into something serious. And once we have set our mind on something, we'll use our unmatched dedication to complete the task. Although some people might call it mindless stubbornness.

 

[d@v3]

I like the sound of it.

Reminds me of Gravey and Jobriath from the Simpsons.

I think we ISTJs are very unyielding when it comes to being turned down. As we are not extroverts, we tend to keep our crushes to ourselves, and only make a move when we think it will grow into something serious. And once we have set our mind on something, we'll use our unmatched dedication to complete the task. Although some people might call it mindless stubbornness.

LOL! He just got owned by a pipe bomb!

You got that right! When I was chasing that ENFP, all I had was her in mind. I couldn't focus on anything else! And I was hesitant to make the first move, but I did.

 

[Habba]

Seriously... they (ENFPs mostly I think) say that you should first befriend them, and only them see if there's a possibility of romantic relationship.

I sure couldn't do that. I know instantly whether it's the right one for me, or not. There's no need to first become just friends. I wonder what are those ENFPs afraid of...

 

[d@v3]

Seriously... they (ENFPs mostly I think) say that you should first befriend them, and only them see if there's a possibility of romantic relationship.

I sure couldn't do that. I know instantly whether it's the right one for me, or not. There's no need to first become just friends. I wonder what are those ENFPs afraid of...

I know what you mean. You take so much time to become friends first then when you feel it is right you ask them out and they give the "I don't want to ruin our friendship, let's just be friends" line.

Then of course you DID ruin the friendship because they will be awkward around you because now they know you are interested in them! So all the time you waste being "friends" first is wasted.

 

[Shaula]

Then of course you DID ruin the friendship because they will be awkward around you because now they know you are interested in them! So all the time you waste being "friends" first is wasted.

I think that depends on the type of person that they are. Some are able to take it better than others.

 

[d@v3]

I think that depends on the type of person that they are. Some are able to take it better than others.

Your right, but thats mostly how it goes down. At least for me. It is very hard for an ISTJ to be friends with someone who rejects them too. So it might now be totally the ENFP's fault.

 

[Siegfried]

Uhh anyway. Yeah, so I think you all are right. I'm just going to have to have a civil talk with her

This sounds the best way forward. It'd be a good idea to talk through things openly to each other. If you feel its needed, you have tried to talk about things right?

 

[Tiny Army]

We are not afraid. In fact we are so not afraid that we won't commit in case there's something more exciting to not be afraid of up ahead. I know you ISTJs think that you "just know" but ENFPs don't. ENFPs don't see saying "I don't want to be in a relationship, lets be friends" as rejection. They see it as providing an alternative to an option that didn't suit them. If an ENFP gives you the opportunity to be their friend because they are uncomfortable being in a relationship with you, and that's not good enough for you, it's your fault, not the ENFPs. They're giving you options, you're just being too stubborn to explore them.

Not wanting to be in a relationship with you doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them or with you, it just means that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

(Sorry if this sounds like a rant, I just don't like being accused of being selfish in situations where I don't want to go out with someone. If not wanting to date someone you just don't want to date is selfish, then I guess I am.)

 

[Siegfried]

Not wanting to be in a relationship with you doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them or with you, it just means that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

(Sorry if this sounds like a rant, I just don't like being accused of being selfish in situations where I don't want to go out with someone. If not wanting to date someone you just don't want to date is selfish, then I guess I am.)

Thats fine, if you don't want to date the person. Its perfectly ok, lol. You shouldn't go out with someone if you don't want to.

 

[d@v3]

We are not afraid. In fact we are so not afraid that we won't commit in case there's something more exciting to not be afraid of up ahead. I know you ISTJs think that you "just know" but ENFPs don't. ENFPs don't see saying "I don't want to be in a relationship, lets be friends" as rejection. They see it as providing an alternative to an option that didn't suit them. If an ENFP gives you the opportunity to be their friend because they are uncomfortable being in a relationship with you, and that's not good enough for you, it's your fault, not the ENFPs. They're giving you options, you're just being too stubborn to explore them.

Not wanting to be in a relationship with you doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them or with you, it just means that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

(Sorry if this sounds like a rant, I just don't like being accused of being selfish in situations where I don't want to go out with someone. If not wanting to date someone you just don't want to date is selfish, then I guess I am.)

I'm talking about "friendship" line in general. Not necessarily ENFP's only. I mean, it's the most common line I've gotten. If it's not rejection, than what is? And of course it means there is something wrong with you! [Well, the person that it is being said to] Why else would they say it?

We're not saying it's selfish. We would just like to know what the problem is instead of dancing around the bush.

Let's be honest, it's just another way for girls to say "no" without actually saying "no".

 

[Tiny Army]

A perceived incompatibility does not mean there's anything wrong with either party. It just means that one of you thinks you're incompatible.

It's a way for girls to say "No, I don't want to date you." not "No, I don't like you." Just because we don't want to date you does not mean we think you're a vile person and we hate you. We just don't think it will work out as a dating thing. I know you want to know what the problem is, but that's just it; there IS no problem. At least we don't see it that way.

Our thought process goes "Gee, he's a nice guy! Oh, he wants to date. Do I want to date him? No, I don't think I really want to date him/anyone. Maybe he wants to be friends! Friends are awesome too!."

I know this sounds mean but it often boils down to "Lets be friends." = "You're a really nice guy and I like connecting with you about things but I don't want to sleep with you."

 

[d@v3]

A perceived incompatibility does not mean there's anything wrong with either party. It just means that one of you thinks you're incompatible.

It's a way for girls to say "No, I don't want to date you." not "No, I don't like you." Just because we don't want to date you does not mean we think you're a vile person and we hate you. We just don't think it will work out as a dating thing. I know you want to know what the problem is, but that's just it; there IS no problem. At least we don't see it that way.

Our thought process goes "Gee, he's a nice guy! Oh, he wants to date. Do I want to date him? No, I don't think I really want to date him/anyone. Maybe he wants to be friends! Friends are awesome too!."

I know this sounds mean but it often boils down to "Lets be friends." = "You're a really nice guy and I like connecting with you about things but I don't want to sleep with you."

There is a difference between sleeping with someone and dating someone. LOL. And how do you ENFP's know you "don't want to date" someone if you don't give them a chance? Do you have a magic 8 balls in your pocket that you shake every time you need to make this type of decision?

How can you be friends with someone you are romantically interested in? You will always be faced with uncertainty as whether or not you should try to go look for someone else or not? Do you know what I mean?

 

[Habba]

How can you be friends with someone you are romantically interested in? You will always be faced with uncertainty as whether or not you should try to go look for someone else or not? Do you know what I mean?

Being friends with someone who I'm romantically interested would tear me apart. And it has.

I had this ex-girlfriend, with whom we shared a lots of common interests and activities. First I thought it would be really cool to have someone like that as a friend. But after couple of months, it was really tearing me in parts. It's like being on a strict-diet and living in a house made of chocolate and candy.

I guess it's the Si function at work here.

 

[Siegfried]

Being friends with someone who I'm romantically interested would tear me apart. And it has.

I had this ex-girlfriend, with whom we shared a lots of common interests and activities. First I thought it would be really cool to have someone like that as a friend. But after couple of months, it was really tearing me in parts. It's like being on a strict-diet and living in a house made of chocolate and candy.

I guess it's the Si function at work here.

I'd find it difficult aswell, since you can't just end your feelings like that, if people can manage it thats great, but being close to the person for me would tear me apart.

 

[Habba]

Uh, forget to add:

I managed to hang by as a friend for a year or so... we didn't see too often, but we chatted and facebooked each others every now and then. But I was near to lose my mind when she changed her relation status on Facebook to "in relationship". The Facebook-drama!

I cut all the contacts to her, and removed everything that reminded me of her. I've been happier ever since. More of this in the topic "IS_Js and the past". Find yourselves there, I can't bother to make a link.

 

[Laurie]

And how do you ENFP's know you "don't want to date" someone if you don't give them a chance? Do you have a magic 8 balls in your pocket that you shake every time you need to make this type of decision?

How do you know you don't want to date her?