I'm not sure what I think of the whole 'expectations' thing as it relates to myself, but I will say I have an INFJ friend (who comes across very very J) who over the years with those she's close to have had those people tell her they feel like she's 'silently judging' them all of time. She has even lost a couple of friends because of this. I know it hurts her, because I know she cares deeply and she's probably one of the most giving people I know when it comes to her time and charity, but she can be exceedingly critical and frankly, demanding in her relationships, and I think it's only been in the last year or two (she's 34) where she's finally been beaten around a bit by life, and has realized this about herself and has been humbled a bit.
I think it's good to have 'expectations' in the sense of solid core things that you know you need/want in a relationship, and therefore work towards developing friendships and relationships which meet those core needs. So for me, I think it's that I have these core ideas as a starting point, if you will - things/people I know I want in my life, and things/people I know aren't the sort of thing I want in my life. But I am very very against trying to change people, as to me it's sort of... not fair... I want them to be THEM, and if I don't like THEM and would feel an itch to try to change them, then to me that's telling and I then need to evaluate why I'm with them. I also don't really understand the 'expectation' thing when it comes to Expecting certain things out of people, because often-times, at least for myself, when I really dig deep I realize it tends to be me projecting myself.. me taking what *I* do, or how operate, and thinking the other person should be that way, or being hurt/confused if they do something that if it came from me, would mean something totally different. So I have to be very careful with that, too... making sure I'm not projecting my own self/ way of being onto the other person. Because.. that's not really fair. It's not to say I haven't done it and won't do it again, but it's something I always need to remind myself of. And it's not to say there aren't things other people do that aren't just plain wrong/rude/whatever, or that relationships don't take an element of compromise. (when I think of compromise, though, I tend to think of it in terms of letting go of ones' own ego a bit. Of course holding solid on those things about yourself that *really do* matter and are core, but easing up on those things that in the end are kinda gray and you don't really care one way or another about - in a deep way. So there are heaps of flexy things, and some things that are non-flexy and are too tied into who I am.)