[ISTJ] How not to pursue an ISTJ

[miss fortune]

don't assume anything in the presence of the ISTJs I know... they dislike such types of thoughts!

 

[EJCC]

Though I'm not an ISTJ, I figure my peeves will be similar if not identical. The most recent date I went on went horribly, because of these particular things that the guy (ExFP?) did:

- I told him something embarrassing, and he laughed at me, and said something like "Jeez, that sucks... but it's still really funny."
- He went way way too fast for my taste - invited me up to his place, escorted me home with his arm linked in mine, kissed me on the cheek. I know I'm kind of a prude, and I know some of that wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't wanted to get the hell away from him at that point, but still.
- He seemed pretty impressed with himself, and so I dunno if he was trying to charm me by showing off, or what. Either way, I don't find egotism attractive.
- This is kind of the same as what whatever said in the above post, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when people say "You would love this", when they don't know me well. What gives them the right to assume what I would love or not love?!? (The guy in question said that on multiple occasions.)
- He put his hand on my leg.

Can't think of any others at the moment.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

My own list:

- bad manners,
- stupidity,
- being drunk,
- emotionally loaded speech,
- asking "how do you feel?",
- asking me about my astrological sign,
- asking me my MBTI type.

By the way, now that I read Jade´s post, I like sports. In fact, someone who knows about Formula 1 is almost always a good date.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

raz, I saw someone who looked just like you on the Jerry Springer show. I'm cereal. I thought it was you. Are you in love with a girl and got her pregnant and then she cheated on you but you're still in love with her, but your best (unattractive) female friend who you constantly talk to about the girl you love has finally confessed her feelings for you on the jerry springer show and now you dont know what to do?

Now that I see this:

don´t ask THIS kind of things about me in a public place. Even though they are not true.

Jerry Springer and all his guests are a good group of people to use when practicing how to do mass executions.

 

[raz]

Oh wtf, I just read that, haha. Sounds kind of similar to a long distance relationship I was in earlier this year. Didn't turn out well.

 

[IZthe411]

mine will drink when nervous in a new social situation, but I've never seen him get sloppy or puke on anyone

and also, from those that I've met, assuming anything is a bad idea... very bad :horor:

I hate when people make assumptions about me. Hate it Hate it Hate it

 

[IZthe411]

I actually like the girl to be bubbly and talkative- as long as it's something worth talking about. Not that I'm against talking about pop culture or the like, but after a while it gets kind of irritating. I'm the same with sports. I can talk about it for only so long- so don't assume I'm being some typical dude.

I think most of the things listed are (for me) subjective, based on the one delivering it. I hate when people tell me to loosen up, smile, or the like only if I have no interest in what they are saying. If I like them, I'm likely to work with their suggestion. I take what their saying as a request that I be less in my head and more focused on the pretty thang in front of me. If you're some monster lookin broad or putting me to sleep with your boring stories or PC jokes, I'm not likely to take you telling me to 'loosen up' well.

 

[PwnedSandMonster]

Something I find I dislike is when the conversation comes to a dead stop. I don't like to be the one to initiate a topic to discuss. I'm also somewhat of a prude honestly, and I don't like excessive flirting (there's a line between sincereness and just sounding desperate).

Most of the things already said I agree with. When people tell me to loosen up, I just try to play along, but usually I end up being awkward in one way or another unless it's with one of my close friends.

Gah, I could probably go on all day about likes/dislikes.

 

[raz]

if im with someone and we're not talking, i'd either find something for me to do or outright say, "find a topic to dicuss."

 

[bcubchgo]

dichotomy!

"don't tell me how I feel or ask how I feel"

ok. well why don't you tell us what you are thinking? when people ask that question it's because they are genuinely interested in your well being, not that they are trying to force you to feel a certain way. most of the time you're being asked that because you aren't being forthcoming in some way or have put up an ISTJ wall.

"don't play any mind games"

uh. ok. this isn't a poker match. what you call a mind game might be someone's attempt at getting into your thought process so that they can understand where you're coming from, since you dislike externalizing your thoughts.

"I hate it when people assume things about me"

this is interesting. your stony facade is what people are most likely reacting to. Other folks that aren't so terrified of letting people in don't let off mystery vibes that confuse other people. When people are confused they have no choice but to come to an assumption, or rationalize in their own minds what is going on. Maybe try explain yourself a little so the other person doesn't *have* to ask you that in the first place?

"Any display of emotions that I don't think is appropriate"

hmm. ok emotions mean different things to different people. Some people don't show emotions very easily. Some do. Do you get confused whether or not the emotions that are being shown are valid? It seems as if there is an assumption that emotions should play no role unless they are approved by you in some way. Personally, while I'm not always keen on expressing emotion either I can at least accept other people's need to be emotional (unless it's totally irrational) and I will try to understand where they are coming from.

from some of the other comments, it seems like some of the "donts" for you guys revolve around other people's normal mode of empathising. There's sometimes a difference between being a hardass and being a well-rounded person who can accept other people's potential shortcomings. I can be a hardass if there is reason for it, but I try not to be unless there really IS a reason to be so. I don't get why the line is being characterized/drawn so far to one side instead of in the grey zone.

 

[raz]

hostility in that one, i sense.

 

[IZthe411]

dichotomy!

"don't tell me how I feel or ask how I feel"

ok. well why don't you tell us what you are thinking? when people ask that question it's because they are genuinely interested in your well being, not that they are trying to force you to feel a certain way. most of the time you're being asked that because you aren't being forthcoming in some way or have put up an ISTJ wall.

"don't play any mind games"

uh. ok. this isn't a poker match. what you call a mind game might be someone's attempt at getting into your thought process so that they can understand where you're coming from, since you dislike externalizing your thoughts.

"I hate it when people assume things about me"

this is interesting. your stony facade is what people are most likely reacting to. Other folks that aren't so terrified of letting people in don't let off mystery vibes that confuse other people. When people are confused they have no choice but to come to an assumption, or rationalize in their own minds what is going on. Maybe try explain yourself a little so the other person doesn't *have* to ask you that in the first place?

"Any display of emotions that I don't think is appropriate"

hmm. ok emotions mean different things to different people. Some people don't show emotions very easily. Some do. Do you get confused whether or not the emotions that are being shown are valid? It seems as if there is an assumption that emotions should play no role unless they are approved by you in some way. Personally, while I'm not always keen on expressing emotion either I can at least accept other people's need to be emotional (unless it's totally irrational) and I will try to understand where they are coming from.

from some of the other comments, it seems like some of the "donts" for you guys revolve around other people's normal mode of empathising. There's sometimes a difference between being a hardass and being a well-rounded person who can accept other people's potential shortcomings. I can be a hardass if there is reason for it, but I try not to be unless there really IS a reason to be so. I don't get why the line is being characterized/drawn so far to one side instead of in the grey zone.

Isn't that how it works, though? We all have quirks about us that don't seem to work with the greater majority. I doubt that it's all absolutes, either. I'm sure if an ISTJ's smitten for somebody they'd be down for more than they put out there. It's just we are good for definite, black/white statements sometimes.

 

[Cimarron]

I hate when people make assumptions about me. Hate it Hate it Hate it

Seconded, again!

 

[bcubchgo]

hostility in that one, i sense.

Hmm. Ok... Well, I wasn't trying to be hostile at all but I was trying to point out what I think are inconsistencies in some of the responses here. You may like everything laid out in black and white terms but the majority of the time the world don't work like that...

 

[runvardh]

I've never had to tell or ask my ISTJ friend to smile: I can challenge him to a duel, we can torment our ESFP friend (we're humane about it... mostly), or talk about scaring drunks in wooded parks. I've never worried about asking him what's wrong unless he opens the door and invites it - otherwise he's the one asking for help. He's also up for anything not involving stupids - unless he's allowed to act however he sees fit...

 

[EJCC]

Hmm. Ok... Well, I wasn't trying to be hostile at all but I was trying to point out what I think are inconsistencies in some of the responses here. You may like everything laid out in black and white terms but the majority of the time the world don't work like that...

This thread is about pet peeves. Things that really irritate them, in this particular context. Since when are pet peeves a rational thing? It's an emotional reaction. Sometimes it's hypocritical, sure. But there's honestly no point in trying to defeat someone's knee-jerk reactions with cold logic.

I'm just sayin'.

 

[IZthe411]

Hmm. Ok... Well, I wasn't trying to be hostile at all but I was trying to point out what I think are inconsistencies in some of the responses here. You may like everything laid out in black and white terms but the majority of the time the world don't work like that...

We talk in black/white terms but don't operate on them, despite how much we do like to live by our words. So take it as just that- words.

 

[raz]

The only real pet peeve I have with someone trying to attract me is being 100% obvious about their attraction and then taking it like 10 steps further and acting like I'm a necessity for their life to function. It's more about just being overly outwardly emotional during the flirting process. It's an instant complete turnoff and immediately sends me into patronizing mode. To me, it just shows a lack of emotional control and I have zero interest in it.

 

[Giggly]

Now that I see this:

don´t ask THIS kind of things about me in a public place. Even though they are not true.

Jerry Springer and all his guests are a good group of people to use when practicing how to do mass executions.

lol

Oh wtf, I just read that, haha. Sounds kind of similar to a long distance relationship I was in earlier this year. Didn't turn out well.

I knew it was you!

 

[AutumnReverie]

I definitely agree with:

- Don't tell me to smile
- Don't tell me to "loosen up"
- Don't swear a lot
- Don't disrespect someone I respect

Some of my own:
- Don't tell me to be more emotional
- Don't make assumptions about how I feel and stick to those assumptions despite what I clearly say
- Don't make a joke out of something I'm saying when I'm being completely serious. (If I make some sarcastic/witty one-liner, by all means, reply back with your own joke...but when it's clear that I'm being serious -- don't just laugh off my statement.)

The only real pet peeve I have with someone trying to attract me is being 100% obvious about their attraction and then taking it like 10 steps further and acting like I'm a necessity for their life to function. It's more about just being overly outwardly emotional during the flirting process. It's an instant complete turnoff and immediately sends me into patronizing mode. To me, it just shows a lack of emotional control and I have zero interest in it.

+1 This has always been a huge turnoff for me too. It just makes me uncomfortable and, like you said, I start questioning their character.