[MBTI General] How many "friends" versus close friends?

[alcea rosea]

Hey guys,

I read an interesting post in another forum. It was posted by an INTJ saying he had a really deep moment with his brother. His brother is ENFP, very popular, and very likable. It was his birthday and he came home to find his ENFP brother alone. He asked him why he was alone and he responded, "nobody called. I have hundreds of friends on facebook, got hundreds of "happy birthday" comments, yet no one called. If people like me so much why didnt just one person call to take me out?"

Ouch. I feel like I used to be in this position. TONS of surface level friendships. I would see them and we would hang out or maybe go out to dinner together. The number was too large to keep up with. But I did not have ONE deep or close friendship. It hurt. A lot. It was not until this past year that I have gained one person at that level and it took a lot of work.

Do you think this is something ENFPs fall victim to? If it is, how do you think we as ENFPs can change this?

Yes! I have had similar experiences in my life. And most peopel expect me to be the one who takes the contact etc. That is usually my way of working but still it sucks and I have lost interest of many people because of this. I'm tired of being the one who is expected to be the one who calls and asks people how they are and listens to their problems. I kind of lost my faith in people a long time ago. Got too much stuff to my face. Now I have very, very few very good friends, 1-2, still lots of "surface" friends, but it's not rewarding or good that surface thing. I think I'll stop contacting most of them if the things won't change with them. I'm so bitter, lol.

I have a similar problem to the OP.

A lot of people think that they know me, quite a few people think that we are twins or could be best friends. Sadly, that's just not true . I have 3 really good close friends who I value over anything apart from family (even then, it would be a close call). Other than that, I don't think I have friends that truly understand me. A lot of people see that I like to talk a lot, they see that I like to make dirty jokes lol, they may know a few of my hobbies and they think they know me. Seriously, that's just a small, small part of me. Most people I know don't know much of an N I am and how much this means to me. As a result, I get along with a lot of people, people who think they know me really well, when in reality, they don't. It's quite frustrating really.

I totally relate to this too.
I feel I use too much time trying to get to other people's levels and understand them and such and at the same time nobody really does any effort trying to know me and trying to reach my level and trying to understand me. Maybe I ask too much? Maybe I expect people to be as I am when they are not me? Althought I'm naturally interested about people but these days, I'm quite reserved and keep most of the people away even if they would think that I'm really open. That shows me how little do they understand me.

 

[KLessard]

Yes! I have had similar experiences in my life. And most peopel expect me to be the one who takes the contact etc. That is usually my way of working but still it sucks and I have lost interest of many people because of this. I'm tired of being the one who is expected to be the one who calls and asks people how they are and listens to their problems. I kind of lost my faith in people a long time ago. Got too much stuff to my face. Now I have very, very few very good friends, 1-2, still lots of "surface" friends, but it's not rewarding or good that surface thing. I think I'll stop contacting most of them if the things won't change with them. I'm so bitter, lol.



I totally relate to this too.
I feel I use too much time trying to get to other people's levels and understand them and such and at the same time nobody really does any effort trying to know me and trying to reach my level and trying to understand me. Maybe I ask too much? Maybe I expect people to be as I am when they are not me? Althought I'm naturally interested about people but these days, I'm quite reserved and keep most of the people away even if they would think that I'm really open. That shows me how little do they understand me.

In my experience, we get tired when we make such efforts because they are not necessarily wanted. Those "efforts" might just tire people too. Then we get told we are too intense. It is wiser to let people come to us and to welcome them when they come, to allow the relationship to be a two-way street thing. Y'know what I mean?

 

[alcea rosea]

In my experience, we get tired when we make such efforts because they are not necessarily wanted. Those "efforts" might just tire people too. Then we get told we are too intense. It is wiser to let people come to us and to welcome them when they come, to allow the relationship to be a two-way street thing. Y'know what I mean?

I understand what you mean. I don't think I'm trying to drill myself into other person's brain and I haven't been seeing that kind of reaction in their faces, lol. I am extroverted, almost 100%, so, it'll be hard for me not to go to somebody's level. Very hard. Actually quite impossible. My solution is to withdraw, to see as less people as I can so there will be no problem with people. Not probably the best solution, but the only one that works with me. And when away from people I'm more able to feel my own emotions, not the emotions of others.

I like how you write there "we get tired", it's a good feeling to know that there are people who understand the difficulties in these things.

 

[KDude]

I only have a few close friends, but I've never had a best friend. As for others, I've always sort of been on the outskirts of different circles. I might meet people from two different cliques, and get a "small world" vibe going on sometimes. I just never get very close (sometimes I'd like to). I wish I had more options to make close friends.. even close ones now are busy or people are getting old or having families or whatever. Everything's kind of changing in the past few years, and I'm doing my own thing more than usual.

 

[Random Ness]

I don't think I've ever assumed the extroverts I've known had more friends than the introverts I've known. I've noticed extroverts usually have more "surface-level" friends, yes, but not any more close friends.

It makes me sad to think of people who seem like they have it all just because they have a lot of acquaintances, but nobody realizes they don't have any close friends, and nobody bothers to get closer because of their assumptions.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I have quite a few friends, but very few people who I would consider close-close friends. I am always willing to be friendly to people, but there is no guarantee that they will be close. I dislike it when people try to get to the close level too soon for my liking. Maybe only about 3 or 4 people who are really close, I am kind of picky with who I let in. It depends on the connection level, and if I've known them long enough.

 

[Maou]

I've had a handful of friends, but none I would consider close. I am just extremely hard to get close to, because I have a difficult personality on top of schizoid type attachment. Then of course, the one time I really try to connect to people. They want nothing to do with me.

 

[Red Memories]

Most of my life I have been plagued by these surface level friendships. Similar, I expected one of these kind fellows to call me up and want to spend time with me. Instead they only called me when desperate. Nevertheless, I have two actually close friends now who would do that...

 

[Coriolis]

I can count close friends on one hand. Beyond that, I will often use the term "friend" for what really are friendly acquaintances. I have about a dozen of those.

 

[Hellena Handbasket]

I have a lot of acquaintances. I do a lot of things that put me in a semi public eye, so I know a lot of people. Most of these friendships are, to borrow chaotics term, very surface level. I also have a lot of casual friends that I see or hang out with once in a blue moon.
But close friends that I see a lot and hang out with regularly? Only a few. I can count them on one hand.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I don't have any close friends. I don't think this can be fixed.

 

[Zhaylin]

I have 1 friend- my husband.
Everyone else are acquaintances, childhood friends, online friends, or family.
And I'm okay with that.

 

[cacaia]

I have 1 friend- my husband. Everyone else are acquaintances, childhood friends, online friends, or family. And I'm okay with that.

Took the words right out of my mouth! My only friend is my husband. The rest, I have not let in to the same level. I have some surface friends. Family, well. You can't quite choose them, can you.😊
And yes. It does hurt. A lot.

 

[Zhaylin]

I don't know. I can just barely remember ever having felt lonely. But that was (perhaps) only because I felt so alien from everyone else (my family and school mates). I ran away from home twice as a teen. The first time, I was 13 and I was gone for 2 weeks (though that can't be right. Must ask my mom sometime). I was all by myself in a patch of woods and I loved every moment of it (well, except for when the wind carried the smell of food from nearby restaurants lol).
I've never truly been ALONE, though. Perhaps I'll know loneliness if my hubby dies or my kids ever leave home. As it is, I'm perfectly content as is. No hurt here.

for everyone else though if they'd rather life was different.

 

[Black Sun]

0 because I'm reclusive. I find a lot of fulfillment in solo activities and interests. I don't have surface level friends or acquaintances. I'm interested in having like 1 or 2 close friends in the future that I can share myself with.

 

[Tilt]

4 close friends. 1 more distant friend.

 

[rav3n]

IRL, ten close friends that I've known for decades. People who fall in the non-close friends group come and go so it's difficult to pinpoint a number. My acquaintance network is sizable because of my past career.

 

[Saturnal Snowqueen]

I have like three good online friends that I talk to a regular basis, and I have a few friendships, mostly from school, that have faded over time but that I still like to catch up on. Unfortunately, I don't have any irl friends that I hang out with at the moment.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

I have 4 friends at the moment who I'm willing to keep up outside of acquaintances, all surface friends. I desire closeness, but I have difficulty feeling a genuine urge to be around other people so I've sort of avoided creating intimates out of fear of in-genuineness from myself.

 

[red_evening_apple]

I don't think I have any friend I can define as "close" at the moment (excluding my boyfriend, but right now I'm considering solely platonic relationships). The last "close" group I had was around three years ago, but ever since I had a big argument with what used to be my best friend and distanced myself from them, I haven't had a group that made me feel the same way again
Right now I have several friendships that definitely go beyond the "surface level", but still I fail to consider them close because they just don't feel close to me, because I feel as though I don't want them to "see me", by which I mean that I have difficulty opening up to them on a deeper level, and actually opening up to someone is necessary for me to consider them close. I still feel good when I hang out with them and I'm happy to pass time together, but at the end of the day I don't really feel like I've had an intimate connection with them, which makes me kinda upset because intensity and closeness are very important for me in a friendship, and also because I know they consider me a close friend while in the meantime I don't really feel the same
In general, I have three groups who are closer to me but which I don't really feel close, one is the group of friends from university, the other two are groups of people I met on twitter and that I also hang out with irl pretty often
Of course I also have several surface level friendships and acquaintances coming from several situations, like university, comic conventions, or friends of friends