[MBTI General] How many "friends" versus close friends?

[Elemental Chaos]

Come to think about it, I think adventourusness and a wish to not miss any chances of something fun happening is my driving force to try and make myself know everyone. This is kind of shrewd...

 

[garbage]

I'm going to agree with this.

I remember reading this a while back Is Your Circle of Friends Shrinking? - CBS News

interesting

The growth of the Internet as a communication tool also may be to blame. While the Internet might keep us connected to friends, family and neighbors, it also may diminish the need for us to actually see each other to make closer connections, the researchers say.

I've often said that social networking allows us more flexibility in the social distance that we have with people. We can maintain a very, very loose connection with certain people nowadays, and that's a good thing.

Just.. I'm gonna say that again. Science seems to prove it.

I dunno. If I'm not too close to you, but want to invite you to a get-together via text message or Facebook, I avoid the 'obligation' of bullshit smalltalk that a phone call would imply ("So, uh. what's up, man? How's that, uh.. thing you were doing?").. all the better.

I can't tell you how many you need, but having one is something to be so grateful for. Two or three even better. Having ten solid true friends that you can count on is wonderful, but IME out of those hypothetical ten, they're still going to sift and sort to a core that are closest to your center. You'll feel little twinges of "well these people get it a bit more than those," "I feel like I can open up more with blah blah blah."
...
I've got quality, quantity means nothing and would actually become more difficult for me to handle.

If you can handle more then go for it, just be mindful of how many connections you can realistically nourish and grow. How many people can you give 100% to? At a certain point, a deep friendship that could have been fruitful were it given more attention will end up being that person you're really fond that you keep around because you feel the possibility of it, but never really emerges.

Yeah

In the past, I've sort of felt obligated to keep connections with people I didn't really even have anything in common with.. and, in some cases, people I didn't even like. It wasn't really doing either me or them any good.

 

[Tigerlily]

I have maybe two friends. Three if I count my MIL who I speak to on occasion about anything under the sun. The one friend is an internet friend who has become a real life friend but we live far away from one another. The second friend lives nearby but we don't see each other often which is why I think we're still friends.

I recently realized that I am just not cut out for friends. I do fine at the beginning but I have this thing where I allow myself to get too familiar with a person and just burn out completely until some conflict ensues and we are no longer friends. I start to feel crowded out and don't know how to deal with it. How do you tell someone that you need a break from them?

 

[Tigerlily]

this.

I've had a few close friends, but most of my life has been spent in solitude. I'm not exaggerating. So, I know from experience I don't need friends, but my life is much better with them (or him).

this.

And you're seeing me as an INFP. Don't be blinded by type theory. It's not real.

Lots of mindless babbling

this

Look, I'm so over whatever you have to say.

I'm content that I've found a mate and we are compatible. He knows my strengths and weaknesses and accepts all of me. If something were to happen to him I would somehow cope because we have three children that would still need a parent. Friends wouldn't be much comfort to me in that situation. Only time would ease the pain, not words. Extroverts don't seem to get this.

 

[Lily flower]

Hey guys,

I read an interesting post in another forum. It was posted by an INTJ saying he had a really deep moment with his brother. His brother is ENFP, very popular, and very likable. It was his birthday and he came home to find his ENFP brother alone. He asked him why he was alone and he responded, "nobody called. I have hundreds of friends on facebook, got hundreds of "happy birthday" comments, yet no one called. If people like me so much why didnt just one person call to take me out?"

Ouch. I feel like I used to be in this position. TONS of surface level friendships. I would see them and we would hang out or maybe go out to dinner together. The number was too large to keep up with. But I did not have ONE deep or close friendship. It hurt. A lot. It was not until this past year that I have gained one person at that level and it took a lot of work.

Do you think this is something ENFPs fall victim to? If it is, how do you think we as ENFPs can change this?

One ENFP I was close to just found relationships impossible to continue at any level of depth. I think she got very bored with any relationship that lasted past the first year or so. There was always someone new that was more interesting than her "old" friends. She also didn't like any of the obligations that enduring friendships produced. She just wanted to be free. (And in the process, she hurt a lot of people).

 

[mmhmm]

i've got a few good friends.
i don't depend on any of them though. ever.

 

[Lily flower]

I don't know about other INFJ's, but I am always worrying about whether I have friends or not. I know tons of people I could invite to a party, but very few that I could call up with a real problem/issue. I have my husband, a best female friend, and 2 other people I could turn to if I had a real issue.

I also get along with guys so much better than girls, which worked until everyone I knew got married and then it became inappropriate for me to have really close friendships with guys. I just find women too complicated and emotionally draining. Guys generally are exactly the person that they present as themselves.

 

[Lily flower]

Do other INFJ's desire relationships, but then feel really drained by them?

I always want friends, but then when people call or want to do something I tend to feel a little put-out or demanded upon. It's almost like I know I'm supposed to want friends, but I don't actually enjoy them.

I also feel like I tend to do a lot of giving in a friendship and very little taking, which gets old after awhile.

 

[JoSunshine]

BFF's
ESFJ - sister
ESFJ - girl friend
ENTJ - girl friend
ISTP - girls friend

Good Friends
ESTX - guy friend
ESXX - girl friend
ISFX - girl friend
INTP - guy friend

SO
INFP male

Aquaintences - Not so many these days. It used to be roughly an sh*t load. It makes me much happier to focus my time, attention and energy on those who are meaningful to me.

 

[stringstheory]

I have a LOT of surface level friendships, and 10 very close friends. However there's also a level in between for people who are closER friends than acquaintances but not quite people i would consider very close, and I have a few people who share the same major who are in that group.

Also, my immediate family (Mom, Dad, 2 brothers) and I are very close.

Unfortunately a few of them have moved away so i don't actually get to see them in person a lot but when i do it's just like old times

 

[skylights]

@op YES that is exactly me too.

friends: uhhh like upwards of 300, and i don't just mean facebook friends i've met once in my life
close friends: 10ish
really close friends, like can call you in the middle of the night in the middle of a crisis and you won't say i owe you one: 2

in my younger years (aka high school) i threw a summer party where i invited 100 people and expected about 60 to show. 13 showed. i was mortified back then (not to mention i wasted a ton of money on party supplies) but now i realize it's kind of just the way facebook events work - you click "yes" and then forget about it or something else comes up but enough people have RSVP'd yes or maybe that you don't really think much of it. except everyone does that, minus the people who actually care enough about you personally to put other things aside. i had tons of people tell me afterwards, man, i really wanted to come to your party, but _____ happened and i just couldn't make it! also i did not include alcohol in the description. that was a mistake.

don't worry though, i perfected the technique in college. throw an event for 50 and have 250 show which is why college rocks.

I'm content that I've found a mate and we are compatible. He knows my strengths and weaknesses and accepts all of me. If something were to happen to him I would somehow cope because we have three children that would still need a parent. Friends wouldn't be much comfort to me in that situation. Only time would ease the pain, not words. Extroverts don't seem to get this.

yeah i don't really get that. i'd be revving up my social circle engagement like crazy.

 

[Such Irony]

I have 3 really close friends and a lot more that I'd consider surface level friends. It's not something I really count. When I used to have a facebook account, I had around 120 'friends' but alot of those were more like acquaintances and some were people I met on online forums that I've never met in person.

 

[Tigerlily]

Do other INFJ's desire relationships, but then feel really drained by them?

I always want friends, but then when people call or want to do something I tend to feel a little put-out or demanded upon. It's almost like I know I'm supposed to want friends, but I don't actually enjoy them.

I also feel like I tend to do a lot of giving in a friendship and very little taking, which gets old after awhile.

YES! Have you ever allowed someone to exhaust you until you find a reason to end the friendship? I never know when it's going happen, but it nearly always does when I am "friends" with someone and they're in my face constantly. I need my space and when I don't get it, I'm not very nice, but I can be very pleasant in small doses.

 

[LilyLOL]

I feel like I used to be in this position. TONS of surface level friendships. I would see them and we would hang out or maybe go out to dinner together. The number was too large to keep up with. But I did not have ONE deep or close friendship. It hurt. A lot. It was not until this past year that I have gained one person at that level and it took a lot of work.

You shared that it took a lot of work. Can you share what you did, was it hard, do you think it is a more permanent part of your life now or is it something you have to keep working on, etc?

Thanks in advance!

 

[pinballs]

re. trying to take superficial relationships deeper

perhaps it is difficult to convert from one type of friendship to another

i'm good, very deep friends with an enfp, something which has developed recently, despite us knowing each other for a few years,

but during that time there was always a clearly understood distance between us and we gradually moved closer when we felt comfortable to,

i feel that if we had ever had a happy, smiling, socially functional, relaxed relationship on a superficial level we would never have become proper friends. because i would have been wearing my 'buddy' face rather than being my deeper self.

if there is somebody i truly want to get to know then i'll edge towards them having little snatches of sincere conversation or listening to them to when they talk in a group to work out what they are *really* like. if i'm bubbly and chatty then that is a front that will stay there, that is probably in place because i don't see anything else ever existing between us.

 

[You]

I have 1. That's enough. If I had a girlfriend id have 2. Everyone else is cool, but they aren't family. Simple as that.

 

[angell_m]

If I were to put it all together we're talking 500-1000.
I've burned many bridges. So 50?
But only 2-3 people I would enjoy spending time with.

 

[Virulence]

Plenty of acquaintances and casual friends I can talk to or relate to on some small level or another.

Only a handful of very close friends, though.

 

[KLessard]

I have two best friends since childhood (ISFJ and INTJ). We don't live close to each other anymore, but we do our best to meet once every season. It's always comfortable when we meet. The ISFJ lives closer, and our birthday is around the same date, so we often have lunch together to celebrate. I also had a SFP best friend growing up (she was part of this group), but she moved on with her life and isn't in touch anymore, even if the ISFJ and myself tried to keep it going.

I have a close ENFP friend and colleague right now (it's been going for around 3 years); we see each other regularly enough and have deep conversations. Another colleague is INFP and we share books, movies and occasionally see each other outside of work.

I have plenty of church friends and I have a deep bond with them, seeing them as brothers and sisters, but I would say my pastor (INTP) is the closest. Conversations are great and we are always available to help each other out. He once said to me that what he liked about our friendship is that we don't need to reassure each other about it. We are friends, period.

My ENTP uncle and ISFJ aunt (his wife) are and have always been very dear to me, and we see each other at least once a week. They are always available to help or encourage me when I need it.

Those are the people I consider "close." I have plenty of other good acquaintances and help them readily when they need it, but I don't think we are close. Then again, life is a fluid thing, and the list can change with time, especially in the workplace.
I remember hearing this in a Christian broadcast once: "God sometimes gives friends for a season, and others for a lifetime." It can be hard to let go of someone for me, so I am learning to set a healthy distance in my friendships.

 

[animenagai]

I have a similar problem to the OP.

A lot of people think that they know me, quite a few people think that we are twins or could be best friends. Sadly, that's just not true . I have 3 really good close friends who I value over anything apart from family (even then, it would be a close call). Other than that, I don't think I have friends that truly understand me. A lot of people see that I like to talk a lot, they see that I like to make dirty jokes lol, they may know a few of my hobbies and they think they know me. Seriously, that's just a small, small part of me. Most people I know don't know much of an N I am and how much this means to me. As a result, I get along with a lot of people, people who think they know me really well, when in reality, they don't. It's quite frustrating really.