[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[21%]

not to mention infjs push-pull, the over-reactive retreat move as soon as they feel like they are too far exposed or have gestured too strongly, makes others question how they actually feel. it just ends up being skittish, highly anxious, and somewhat absurd. bizarre Fe projections is my new favorite descriptor.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Update: So the whole "going to the movies with him and his group of friends" wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. In fact, it wasn't awkward at all! His friends were nice, friendly, and talked to me the whole time. They definitely didn't make me feel like an outsider or anything, so it was nice.

As far as progress between the INFJ and I goes, nothing monumental happened. He sat between me and one of his friends (a girl) but throughout the movie and after each commercial he would whisper and talk to me, not her. But I do that with friends as well, so no big deal.

I wasn't "touchy" at all with him since I'm not a touchy person in general and all his friends were around. But I did see his legs shaking nervously before the movie started (probably because he was nervous about the scary movie) and I put my hand on his leg and jokingly asked if he was going to be okay. He looked surprised at first, then he started apologizing for shaking. And I just tried to assure him that I was only joking and that it didn't actually bother me.

At the end of the night, driving in his car, it was just me, the INFJ, and his best friend (male). Same as before, he parked and walked me to my door while his friend waited in the back seat. Then we talked for a bit, hugged, and then he said that he was sorry that he wouldn't be seeing me again this weekend. I asked him "what do you mean you won't see me? I'll be at that one party on Saturday night and you're stopping by, right?". He said that he'll definitely try to stop by, asked me to text him the address again, and said that he meant that he won't be seeing me the whole weekend or something like that.

The pre-hug walking to the door conversation atmosphere felt a little awkward to me. Although, I'm not sure why he would be feeling awkward/nervous. Unless maybe he sensed that I liked him, but he didn't like me, so he was nervous that I would try to...do something? I don't know

I think I had a bad combination of being dense when someone showed interest, and overly subtle in expressing interest.

When older, I just took greater risks, and lucked out somehow.

I'm the same way. Hopefully, I'll luck out somehow too though

Wow. You know, every single girl I've dated (I say it like it's a lot... only 2 actually) has never been transparent with me. It's always been this, "Oh God... what's going on in that head of hers...", and I've always had to drag it out through a long process, it's like chewing thumbtacks.

I think it's awesome that you like the infj so much. I think he's a pretty lucky guy. At least you've got your confidence to keep you strong when you ask him! I'd probably chicken out at some point and pretend everything was fine (or that there was nothing to pretend about) like a good infj.

Thanks! This will be the first time that I've actually told someone that I like them (usually they just tell me that they like me or I don't think they reciprocate my feelings so I decide not to tell them about mine)...so I'm definitely still nervous in that sense.

I've been trying to decide on how I can say it, while accomplishing these things:
1) Getting the point across clearly, obviously
2) (If he responds by saying that he doesn't like me) Reassuring him that we can still hang out, and he doesn't have to feel awkward around me or avoid me in the future

So far I've come up with the following statements:
1) "So...you know I like you, right?" - said half-jokingly, half-seriously with a smile (to make the mood more light-hearted)
2) "So...I just wanted to let you know that I like you" - pause for a minute to gauge his reaction then move on (follow it up with something like "so do you want another drink"? or with a lighthearted or self-aware jokingly self-deprecating comment)

I don't know, how do either of these sound? I plan on asking him if he wants to go see this play (+dinner) with me next Saturday, so that's when I would tell him. Hopefully he's not busy next weekend and can go with me. I'll probably ask him about it on Wed! I plan on telling him that the whole night will be "on me", paying-wise, since I owe him so much already (meaning: he's paid for me the last 4 times we've "hung out" both one-on-one and with other people around) and I feel bad.

 

[21%]

The pre-hug walking to the door conversation atmosphere felt a little awkward to me. Although, I'm not sure why he would be feeling awkward/nervous. Unless maybe he sensed that I liked him, but he didn't like me, so he was nervous that I would try to...do something? I don't know

Maybe it's because he was having a "Should I go for it now?" moment and was unsure? Maybe he wanted to say something nice -- to hint more that he liked you -- and got stressed about it because he didn't know how you would react. INFJs like to have everything planned out. They anticipate important conversations and plan them out out turn by turn (although these plans are usually far off from what eventually happens in reality ). My best guess is that he had a 'This is the right moment -- do it now' feeling, or sensed a possible important conversation coming up, and had no time to plan it out and got stressed and nervous.

Whatever it was, I don't think it was because he didn't like you! To be honest, I'm actually bad at saying things like "I like you", especially if I have to go first, so good luck with everything next weekend!

 

[souffle]

So far I've come up with the following statements:[/B]
1) "So...you know I like you, right?" - said half-jokingly, half-seriously with a smile (to make the mood more light-hearted)
2) "So...I just wanted to let you know that I like you" - pause for a minute to gauge his reaction then move on (follow it up with something like "so do you want another drink"? or with a lighthearted or self-aware jokingly self-deprecating comment)

Oooh.. cute!

I hate the moment of telling them. There is a chasm of silence, and you have the oppotunity to speak, the words are there planned, but you have to force yourself to open your mouth and say them, which suddenly becomes difficult. You are sinking,drowning in a sea of inaction, and have to reach in with your hand and drag yourself outta there, but you're too heavy and pulling you out is hard work! Poorly developed metaphors aside, in my experience, somehow after opening my mouth and not speaking 100+ times, I managed to succeed, get it out there, and I ultimately felt exhilerated. Hope it's the same for you! And hope it works out well!

 

[entropie]

Man you girls got issues. What is it with all the talking anyways, when comes the part you talk about getting down to business !

 

[KLessard]

I'm currently interested in a male INFJ. The problem is...I have no idea how to tell if he's interested in me (romantically) at all. Being an ISTJ, I already have trouble recognizing if someone's interested in me , but it seems like this INFJ in particular is very difficult to figure out.

I'm a female INFJ (according to tests), and I'm very bad at showing interest, even though I love and care DEEPLY. I'm a bad communicator for a Sensitive (the majority of the population), but other Ns will probably guess my intentions. The thing is that I fear my feelings are so intense that if I show them, the person will just freak out. So I keep it in and look like ice. I try to care for the person's physical needs and try to be useful in a disinterested way.
If you wonder if it's romantic or not, I will tell you that I like to bond soul-to-soul, and for me, a meaningful friendship is just as important as something you would define as romance. But he's a male, so it might be different for him.

If the loved one is a S, and doesn't have the intuition to read between my abstract lines, I get frustrated and speak out through enigmatic, symbolic words with an angry tone or walk away. That is a sure sign I care very much.
Those abstract lines for me are often honouring the person through artistic creations (painting a portrait, making a character out of that person in a novel, etc.).

 

[Requeim]

update please

 

[AutumnReverie]

No update yet! We're going to the Opera tomorrow, so yay! But it's not a ~romantic outing or anything. A female friend from his german class is apparently going with us too (the Opera is in German).

 

[AutumnReverie]

So here's the update! It is, however, epically long...so I'll just link to my blog (you'll need to scroll down to "Romantic Developments")

Advice and insight is needed (as usual ) and appreciated!

 

[Twixt]

Well, I'm not an INFJ but I am pretty close to two male INFJs (I'm female) and I gotta say,they DO initiate contact when interested!! Unless the INFJs I know are weird, that is (btw one is Enneagram 3, the other is Enneagram 2).

 

[Requeim]

Well, I'm not an INFJ but I am pretty close to two male INFJs (I'm female) and I gotta say,they DO initiate contact when interested!! Unless the INFJs I know are weird, that is (btw one is Enneagram 3, the other is Enneagram 2).

I'm a 4, and i don't initiate

 

[nomadic]

my infj just straight out asked me to be with her

i was amazed.

=)

 

[PoprocksAndCoke]

I flirt. IRL...If I gently tease you, I like you. If I punch you, I don't like you.

 

[entropie]

Like that: ?

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdcmD0VP8fc"].[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Lauren]

I doubt it'll be much help to you, but as an INFJ female I can tell you it took quite a long time of dancing around before I finally got with my INTJ. We tended to flirt and joke around a lot but it was a gradual thing that slowly built up over the course of about a year. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore I cracked and asked him out right, but it was only when I was nearly 100% sure he had an interest in me despite the fact our lovey behaviour prior to that would be evidence enough for anyone else. Initially he persued me and not vice versa until I felt secure enough to respond and initiate things myself. Ultimately he didn't have the courage to bring facts we were both aware of out into the open though, so it was me that went crazy enough to take the plunge and do that in the end.

At any rate, good luck with your INFJ. I think we're a hard bunch to figure out when it comes to these sort of things. We're not usually very open about it until we feel safe, so if he has an interest in you or not I cannot say. From what I've read it sounds quite likely though.

New here, and interesting thread. I'm an INFP, though I've got some J in there as well.

Faine--I can relate to this. This sounds much like the relationship I'm in now. I think my friend is an INFP, with ability to be extroverted when need be (like me). We also flirt and joke around but the chemistry must be evident to everyone who sees us together. Incredible chemistry. Completely on the same page, almost finish each other's thoughts. (I've seen some expressions from those around us, so I know others can plainly see the attraction).

It's heartening to me to read that someone else has gone through this. I keep thinking: why doesn't one of us just say something? I feel like your partner--I haven't had the courage to do it, and neither has he. As an INFP I can confirm without a doubt that we're not open until we feel safe. My friend has tried to make me feel safe, I think, and I have made it pretty obvious I'm interested. Obvious for an INFP, I know, but still...since we're both NF I think he knows. Some touching and complete comfort in each other's close body space. Perhaps we both are afraid of taking too big a step and losing the other? INFPs feel others can read our minds, that we are transparent. One day, finally, I told him the shirt he was wearing looked nice on him (with corresponding looks at his body), and I know he got that message. Still, we haven't brought it out into the open. At this point I think I would need him to say or do something, if he wants to.

 

[paypercut]

INFJ: What I want. How I work.

When I'm interested in someone, I have a bad habit of becoming friendly with him and outwardly only showing the "friends" interest. I'll talk to him, and make a specific effort to get to know him and figure out what he's like, but I'm terrible with overt verbal or physical flirtation. Usually it's for fear of rejection. I'm working to get better about that and becoming more confident in myself -- it's a process!

I am endlessly nervous, and connection happens by strange chance. I am highly concealed, cryptic, and often feel like there's just a ghost in me, whispering, when I'm with another. I am prone to silly romance. Examples:

I felt something for a boy at a party. He walked in when I was making coffee in the kitchen. Scared, I dropped my full cup, shattering it. He had scared me by asking, "What are you doing in here?". I nervously (yet appropriately) responded with, "Having a coffee break". He laughed. His laugh made it okay. Suddenly we could speak. Weird, huh? Around people I'm attracted to, I experience this pellucid echo behind my eyes like cold water poured.

Ways to make me fall in love:

Ask me to do something ridiculously cute. Take me on a picnic, put me in the sidecar of your motorcycle, draw a wedding ring in sharpie around my finger.

 

[Lily flower]

I will try to answer your questions when I have more time - but I wanted to explain one thing about INFJ's that I have noticed.

This is what we do when we like someone:

1) Act all interested and put ourselves out there
2) Think about how we acted later and feel horrified that we put ourselves out there
3) Try to avoid the person we like because they might show signs that they don't like us
4) Realize that the person has not rejected us.
5) Repeat all the above steps, over and over again until we are sure the other person likes or doesn't like us.

 

[Lily flower]

And I apologize from all of us for acting so confusing. Unfortunately, I doubt if it will ever change.

 

[Lily flower]

It would really help us as INFJ's if the other person would make a move. We would never be upset that someone liked us too much, even if we didn't like them back. We would take it as a compliment, even if we weren't interested and it would help us out a lot.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

They'll find excuses to keep a close contact with you by asking some thing less trivial, such as book recommendation or suggestions about their dilemma, either via phone or email.