[ENFJ] how do I fix it:(? (esp for ENFJ + INFP, but any reply welcome!)

[bearette]

I am in a bad funk now.

The general problem is that I am quite insecure when it comes to close relationships. When I become romantically attached to someone (whether or not we are dating) I get really jealous of the time they spend with others/fear they will leave me. It's always been a problem and I have ruined several relationships/friendships because of it. I guess it might stem from my experience during my parents' divorce....but I really want to stop it!

The specific situation that I want to "fix" involves an ENFJ (but could be anyone really). He and I have been close friends but have not dated. He said he does not have romantic feelings for me (acts like he does sort of, but says he does not). Anyway, he really tries hard to make our friendship work, he never gets angry at me when I bring up my insecure nonsense, and seems to have endless patience and kindness for me (so I have a soft spot for ENFJs). The huge problem is I constantly get jealous when I even see him with another girl (we are in same small grad program and live across the hall from each other). I feel like I can't control my jealousy! I sort of "blew up" last night when he told me he needed to study and couldn't hang out but then I saw him hanging out with someone else (another female). It's none of my business! But I got upset and sent a sarcastic text (oh, the INFP sarcasm!)

Believe me, I know how shameful my behavior is and I am ashamed of myself . I know jealous feelings are natural but my values (which I seem not to be able to live by) tell me that if you are jealous of someone it is not their problem. You can either separate yourself from them, or choose to deal with it, but it is wrong to take it out on them. However in practice it is so difficult for me to do this.

We are leaving this program in 2 weeks and will be separated then. My issue is, this has been a very special friendship. If it has to end, it has to end (and I would blame myself) but I also want to make amends with the ENFJ. Believe me, he is not trying to make me jealous or something like that. He is just living his life and hanging out with people. If I am strong enough I'd like to remain friends with him.

INFPs (or anyone else): do you deal with this jealousy/insecurity thing? any advice?

ENFJs: what would you think of this type of person, and how could she make amends with you?

any response from anyone would be appreciated. (but be kind of gentle if you can....I sort of hate myself at the moment.)

 

[Night]

I am in a bad funk now.

The general problem is that I am quite insecure when it comes to close relationships. When I become romantically attached to someone (whether or not we are dating) I get really jealous of the time they spend with others/fear they will leave me. It's always been a problem and I have ruined several relationships/friendships because of it. I guess it might stem from my experience during my parents' divorce....but I really want to stop it!

Well, without knowing too much about your specific situation (beyond what you've provided), it seems like you suffer from a general lack of self-worth/personal confidence as a result of your parents divorce.

Their fracture seems to have created a generalized sense of anxiety in you, specifically as it applies to personal security in terms of abandonment/support from emotionally-important people in your life. This likelihood has apparently manifested directly in your capacity to maintain feasible connection with romantic partners, as your persistent fear of being psychologically neglected is becoming disruptive to your natural capacity to trust the clarity of intention in others.

At some point, it might be wise (especially if you notice this pattern as unbending over time) to seek professional help. While it's normal from a short-term perspective to experience some level of trauma after a significant life change (as divorce certainly is), it isn't reasonable to presume that the life change should necessarily alter your essential ability to enjoy life in approximately the same way as you did prior to the divorce.

Stay reasonable. Deconstruct your anxiety from atmospheric discomfort into individual emotion. Then, work to troubleshoot specific reasons why you feel the way you do.

The secret is in the careful organization of thought. Don't allow your current haze of insecurity to deflate your honest impression of who you are.

You aren't your parents divorce. Nothing has changed in you because of it.

 

[bearette]

thanks so much for your reply, Night. It has given me a lot to think about.

by the way, I really like the INTP style The NT's analysis can be just the cool refreshing drink needed by the feverish NF.

i will definitely read over again what you wrote and keep thinking about it. thank you. I know that the problem I am going through needs a lot of work to get through and professional help would be ideal.

thank you.

 

[g_vartan]

For me, when I put someone in the "friend zone", it is highly unlikely that it will ever turn into a romantic relationship. This usually means that the "je ne sais quoi" quality I am looking for in a romantic partner just isn't there. It's nothing against you; just not meant to be.

ENFJs have tremendous amount of patience and possess a forgiving heart. I think if you provide a sincere apology, it should get resolved rather easily. But a word of caution; at some point, when we feel that a person isn't listening to our feedback, we detach ourselves from the situation. No warning. We'll just stop answering calls or seeing you as to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation. So, perhaps if you can work through your issues, correspondingly, your relationship with your ENFJ will improve. Just be honest with yourself though and see if you can really make this friendship work given the difference in outlook re: relationship.

As for your personal issues, I think Night's words are wise. We can't let our past experience define our future. I sincerely believe that everyone can breakaway from their past. We are beautifully human, flaws and all, and the only way we can move towards self-actualization is to constantly work on our personal issues. Like a beautiful spring time rain that washes away the remnants of a challenging winter, we too sometimes have to go through these tough times --- to reconstruct ourselves into the kind of person that we know we can be. Good luck. It's a tough journey but you'll be so better off having gone through it.

 

[bearette]

ENFJs have tremendous amount of patience and possess a forgiving heart. I think if you provide a sincere apology, it should get resolved rather easily. :

yes, i have noticed the patient and forgiving aspects. everytime I have apologized he is very quick to forgive and always seems uncomfortable that I am even making an issue. (however since I have been acting this way I do notice a difference in his behavior towards me- more distance). I just wonder how many times I can keep apologizing. that is why I have not contacted him yet. my apologies are always sincere but then I up and do the same thing again

thank you so much for your input.

 

[bearette]

anybody else have any advice on dealing with jealous feelings? or other stuff?

would be greatly appreciated

 

[Decon]

Well, if he's like myself, besides an apology, he'd like to hear that you're taking steps to "fix" the issue. Because while the past does play a part in who we are at the moment, that doesn't mean we have to let it be a judge of our future.

Hope it helps.

 

[OrangeAppled]

INFPs (or anyone else): do you deal with this jealousy/insecurity thing? any advice?

(I think I remember another thread you made about this person?)

Anyway, the answer is YES, and I seem to experience this most with ENFJs. I hate being jealous, it feels so petty & insecure (because it is....). I keep telling myself that just because this person is so warm with others does not devalue whatever friendship we have. I also tell myself that just because this person is so warm, it does not make me special to them, so I stay on guard & don't let every sweet word melt me.

I also make it a point to stop projecting my idealized vision onto the person. They are flawed, and focusing on that helps me put my feelings into perspective. I also remind myself of what is real and possible and what is not. If a romantic relationship with this person is not possible, then don't even go there in your imagination. Don't feed those impractical feelings.

Some detachment is needed. Try to not be aware of everything he is doing or everyone he is seeing. The less you know, the less you'll blow stuff out of proportion. You will start to care about knowing these things less in time, without cutting off the friendship. Then when you do find out he hung out with another girl, you will shrug it off.

Get a hobby...for real, distraction helps. Form other friendships. Don't be overly dependent on any one friend.

Don't react immediately in a jealous moment. Find an outlet besides your phone!

Anyway, basically just keep pounding what you know to be true and rational into your own head. Grab Fi by the reigns and steer it back to reality!

 

[bearette]

thank you to everyone who wrote something. It is greatly appreciated. I feel so anxious and alone right now, and live right across the hall from him, for the next two weeks anyway, so as you can imagine that exacerbates the issue. everytime I hear a door open and his voice, my heart jumps. yeah, it's really that bad. although I am aware that the larger issue has nothing to do with this person but lies within me.

i wrote him a note of apology (it's how I express myself best and I figured it would also be least bothersome to him). In the note I hinted that the friendship was too difficult, that I don't want my problems to become his. He wrote back, basically, that he has forgotten it already and that I should stop thinking about it.

I hate this. whatever happens with this guy, the issue will probably come up again. The really weird thing is that on principle, I think that jealousy and control are so stupid. If someone doesn't want to spend time with me, it makes absolutely no sense to force it. I even think that in a serious relationship, trying to control someone is pointless. but my principles and my (scary) emotions are not one and the same...

 

[ryepie05]

I just read this message today. Its interesting because I am an INFP dating an ENFJ for about six months now. I also have issues of jealousy and insecurities which to some extend I believe stem from my parents divorce and personal background.

I can definitely relate. Sometimes I get mad at him about stupid things in which he wasn't even really doing anything wrong and then I feel bad for getting mad, feel bad/annoying if I bring up the problem and then end up constantly apologizing for myself.

I finally told him ... look, I'm tired about feeling bad about who I am (while crying of course). Thats me. Inevitably I think about things and get upset about things and if we can't talk about it together it only gets worse. So if this isn't ok with you, then maybe I'm not the right person for you. He assured me he loves me and we will probably continue to have to work on this, but it has to be a compromise in any relationship worth having. I try my best to distract myself with something else so as not to bring up unnecessary things when something first crosses my mind. If I get jealous or upset, I go for a bike ride or watch a funny tv show rather than dwell on it. Meanwhile he tries to gives me the extra reassurance that I need.

I think in your case you have stronger feelings for him - whereas he just wants a friendship and thus he is not giving you what you want and deserve out of the relationship. You shouldn't have to feel bad about who you are, and if thats what is continually happening in this relationship its not healthy for you to be in. It seems like you want to salvage the friendship more because of your feelings for him and wanting him to think positively of you than for your own personal well being. If he was a great friend for you, you wouldn't need to apologize all the time.
My advice would be to put some space in between you two and try to occupy your time with other people who make you feel better about yourself.

Hope this helps.. or makes sense. If I am off base then just disregard.
Good luck.