[INFJ] How can you tell if an INFJ likes your company?

[Skyward]

My INFJ ex was this way - when I first met him, I took his detached demeanor as disinterest or boredom with others, but as we were around each other every day for months, I came to understand that he only seemed removed. Truthfully, he seemed to feel things very intensely, it was just hard to see sometimes. He appreciated the fact that I gave him his space and didn't get all up in his business all the time. I knew he would come to me when he wanted me. It was funny though, we could be standing around, talking about whatever, and suddenly, he would seize me and kiss me like he hadn't seen me in years. lol Never failed to surprise me.

 

[lane777]

The biggest compliment you can receive from INFJ's is our time.

 

[Fidelia]

Regarding her being sweet all the time - be very careful not to idealize. She will be sweet for a long time, but if you get closer to her, there will be a time when another side of her emerges and it will probably surprise you. Most INFJs like to be in control of their emotions and can reason themselves out of feeling upset a lot of the time. They also prefer to be happy and to be at peace with other people. They often appear to be quite strong and capable. However, if there are repeated frustrations, or a lot of stress in some other area, it's like that dike they have built up to deal with those things suddenly springs a leak and things may come gushing out. This only happens if they feel safe enough with you, so in a strange sort of way, it is a compliment. The appropriate response is generally listening receptively and giving a hug or some equivalent and it will pass fairly quickly. Ignoring it will prolong their frustration and increase it. You pass a huge test with them if you can come out the other side okay and talk about it.

Also, if you ever run into troubles with an NF it is essential that you let them talk and listen to what they have to say. They need to talk to process things and talking gets rid of the majority of frustration they are feeling, as long as it is received without being dismissive or cutting them off. Sometimes too, there is a delay in processing things, so they may need to have more than one chance to talk, or to revisit something.

What the others said about not cutting her off is important. Because INFJs are good listeners, are interested in people, and also are afraid of imposing themselves, you will not hear from them unless you listen and ask questions. While they may tolerate one-sided conversation for quite awhile, they do notice and it is seen as a slight rejection of them, which means you won't get to the next layer of their heart as quickly.

 

[lane777]

What the others said about not cutting her off is important. Because INFJs are good listeners, are interested in people, and also are afraid of imposing themselves, you will not hear from them unless you listen and ask questions. While they may tolerate one-sided conversation for quite awhile, they do notice and it is seen as a slight rejection of them, which means you won't get to the next layer of their heart as quickly.

+1

 

[Oddly Refined]

Yeah, the type that HAS to be doing something or feels stifled. I think she gets it from her parents because Ive talked to her sister (Who, I think, is an NFP o some kind) who is the opposite of a busybody, and her parents constantly bug her to quit being lazy. Their whole family is a bunch of great people, though it's hard to get a date with either of the girls when you have to be approved by the parents who one is rarely are able see. I'll be in Finland in a month and a half anyways, I guess.

I thought you meant this definition

busybody:a person who pries into or meddles in the affairs of others.

 

[the state i am in]

if an infj wants to spend time privately with just you, he/she likes you. in the love languages it's all about quality time with us, it's either quality time or we would like to be alone having it with ourselves. we like to communicate and push and probe for deeper levels, new layers, different angles. trust takes a lot of effort, it helps slowly but surely pry us open for not just you but for all the world, and we appreciate it more than anything else.

we love mindmates and people who we can converse with about our myriad of ideas. a random walk thru the mind. or a focused seminar or topics we care about. or a piece of art exploring a creative space. but for me personally, what i lack and require most socially and in relationships is just warmth. knowing, accepting, loving warmth. t-based infj relations are expressed more intermittently, more sparsely, the F flare-ups are less in frequency but still very strong and very loyal, committed, caring, compassionate, etc. T is stabilizing for us in a way that makes us more dutiful, logical, practical, and directive, whereas F is more inspiring and enthusizing and intensifying and romantic. we feed off of what others provide us with, what we are given, the languages of expression used by those closest to us. and the more our attention is directly focused on you, the more we are into you, care about you, want to know you better, commune with you, etc.

 

[fill]

The biggest compliment you can receive from INFJ's is our time.

The biggest compliment you can give to an INFJ is your time.

It's a happy two-way street.

 

[Scarfism]

When I truly enjoy someone's company, I reach out to them. As well, I will have a lot to say and be very focused. A huge sign for me that I am not interested in someone's company is if I respond to their comments with "oh yeah?". It's as if I am trying to end the interaction. "Oh yeah?" means something along the lines of "Enough. Leave me alone."

 

[Clonester]

I work very closely with an INFJ. He says outright that he enjoys talking to me and compliments my viewpoint on life. We can talk for a long time about hockey and politics. Conspiracy theories. He reads for fun. He probably reads several books per week on top of what he finds on the Internet. And not novels, but reference books and informative material.

 

[lumikuu]

hm, i wish i was better at communicating interest. i stalk but silently. if they have a blog i'll comment them, or i might say something random to them on msn to spark convo, but i never directly make the first move. if i want someone to be generous with their time i want to be really sure they think i'm worth it. telling them outright would be putting too much pressure on myself to impress them and sustain the interest i'm demanding (ick, chores!). if it's a mutual interest which develops gradually and naturally, it'd be obvious enough for both of us and therefore easier to bring up. i never call or organise outings with friends either even though i'd be happy to come along or talk for hours if invited. sorry *hates everyone until loved/pursued*

 

[lane777]

The biggest compliment you can give to an INFJ is your time.

It's a happy two-way street.

 

[briochick]

Wow! This thread got long. Thank you all for your comments and stories and advice. I'm loving reading them. I'm actually out of contact with the INFJ now. She was a sweetheart and a good friend, even going so far as to insult someone who had insulted me but who I didn't feel I had the right to return the 'favor' to. That is, until I moved. Now nothing. If she is anything like my isfj mother she probably didn't take my leaving well (any comments on that theory are welcome). I'll try and contact her a few more times but if nothing comes of it I'll take it as a good experience and proof that INFJs can be lovely and go on. tis life I suppose.

 

[staytuned7]

If she is anything like my isfj mother she probably didn't take my leaving well (any comments on that theory are welcome). I'll try and contact her a few more times but if nothing comes of it I'll take it as a good experience and proof that INFJs can be lovely and go on.

Hmmm...interesting. Well I can think of three reasons for why she will have just dropped out of your life because of the move (which are all based on personal experience, so it could be none of them, too):

1. She wasn't really that into being friends with you to begin with. I know this is a painful one, but it's certainly a possibility (given that I don't know the nature and strength of your relationship). In my life, it feels as if many people think we're better friends than I think that we are. It's not that we're NOT friends (or that I don't have warm feelings towards the person), but my definition of "good friends" is much, MUCH more complex/deep than other people's.

2. She hasn't realised yet how much she likes you. Just recently, I realised just how much I liked a friend of mine. It was right before I moved away, which made this realisation very sad. I'm normally quite in touch with my feelings, but not necessarily aware of them (does that make ANY sense? haha). She might not be completely aware of how much she likes you...and she might never become aware of this, as sad as that sounds.

3. She's moved on. It's pretty easy for an INFJ to move on. At least, that's been my experience. I've had some very good friendships over the years, but things like moving and our lives going different ways has separated us. I don't tend to dwell on the nostalgia so much (always looking towards the future! haha) so I don't tend to make an effort to keep up communication. If life has separated me from a friend, then that's what's meant to be. In fact, I usually don't like to keep old friendships (if we're in two totally different places now) because it just feels like holding on to something that's not there anymore. I don't like that. It isn't efficient or conducive to happiness (perhaps that's Ti talking, though). I will, however, keep the friendship if the other person always makes the initiative to call, keep in touch, etc. I do this more for the other person than myself. That is, unless I really like the other person and feel like the friendship could survive the test of time and distance.

That's key: if I feel like the relationship CAN survive those things, I will be VERY loyal in maintaining it. However, that bring me to #4:

4. When I feel that it's a relationship that can survive, it'll be hard for me to initially reach out. I guess I don't want the inconvenience the other person if they feel like they've moved on (physically and emotionally). If they take the time to send me the first communication, I will be reassured and will communicate back. If I get the "you need to move on" vibe at any time, though, I will shut it down. I don't want to assert myself on the other person if they aren't in the frame of mind to be asserted on. This is even more acutely true if it's a person who is far away from me in distance and time.

Anyway, I hope this helps! My suggestion is initiate contact and see where it goes from there. Use your intuition to see if her response (if you get any) is of the #3 ("I'm continuing communication to make you feel good") or #4 ("I'm very loyal to making this work if you are") variety. Good luck!

If not, you're right, that's life

 

[briochick]

Thank you so much for such a thurough reply! I agree that it could be any of those three things. I certainly know that there are times where other people thought I was closer than I am, and INFJs are rather hard to read so I certainly *could* have misread. She gave me a card when I left that asked that I write, but perhaps it was just being nice. Moving on is rarely difficult for me. I tend to take the mind set that if it works than it was meant and if we grow apart than it wasn't meant to be, and I, too, tend not to hold onto many old friendships. Anyway, thank you again! Very insightful.

 

[LEGERdeMAIN]

2. She does not usually state directly what she likes or dislikes.


I'm big on this. When people who I'm not very familiar with ask me how I feel about something I'll shrug my shoulders or say I don't know. I'll never offer an opinion on something that could possibly cause friction unless I believe that the person/people I'm speaking with will be willing to listen instead of debate with me or dismiss me.

I normally don't offer an opinion or say anything that would cause "friction", either. At work, with extended family and complete strangers I tend to converse very indirectly and/or vaguely about any subject. The only time I do express my true opinion(which are usually highly controversial) is when I'm with people who are, what I would describe as, intellectual equals.......Or when I'm extremely intoxicated I'll regress to an ape-like state, arguing with anyone and often inciting the other party to mob violence. I have scars to prove it.

 

[boughtmeawalkman]

I'm a hot mess. But basically, if I start talking to you, it probably means I like your company. And it doesn't take much to get me to start talking more, depending on who you are; by that I mean, if you start speaking on something philosophical, I'll probably instantly chime in as long as I feel like my opinion is welcome.

 

[NKC]

If an infj talks to you. They like you enough. If an infj goes out of their way to SEEK your company out. Then you know they must really like you. After 'like' is established, don't confuse aloof with them not liking you. They're thinking(recharging) etc.

 

[FemMecha]

If I confide something personal, private, and vulnerable then I like the person. This is especially true if I confess something I don't like about myself, or even more private are problems I am having with a relationship with someone. The latter means I trust the person.

My outward cues and body language can be more difficult to measure because if I really like someone alot I can act like a real stick in the mud.

 

[cafe]

When I read the thread title just now I thought, well first off, we won't boycott it!