Help with comparison to others.

[Cellmold]

As a disclaimer I'll try not to be pissy and dismiss advice as I did in the 'friend job' thread, I find it difficult because I've taken advice my entire life, but without the reasoned notion of picking apart that advice first. Which makes me a bit over the top with it nowadays.

Anyhow I could do with some advice on methods to minimise my tendency to compare myself with others, ONLY on the qualities and achievements they possess that I do not.

It's a cause of stress in myself I realise and if I can let it go and diffuse this arrogance, I might actually have a chance of being happy for once in a while instead of judging inside and out, unfairly to both myself and others.

 

[yeghor]

When you feel like "arrogance" thing coming, which I believe is some sort of projection to hurl your negative feelings about yourself onto the other person, try diverting it to something else physically or mentally...to cool down... Walk away and do something physical...

Then when you've cooled down, try to analyze what (in you) triggered the reaction... If it is some kind of feeling of inferiority, check whether you are really inferior in that area... If yes, try accepting that as a weak trait of you and a part of who you are and either take small steps to develop it or try to accept yourself as who you are... Like saying "I am this, so what..." Play on your strengths instead... and don't try to be someone you aren't...

Sometimes it's good to feel bad... So try to absorb the bad feeling within yourself rather than lashing it out to discharge it... When you learn to dissipate it from within or divert it to less destructive outlets, it'll gradually (like in months or years) change who you are and how you react...

ESFPs and I seem to grate on each other... If you are an ESFP, try acting gradually more like pseudo-ISFJ, i.e. exercise more humility and servitude...in small doses so that you'll gain more flexibility to deal with whatever life throws at you...

 

[WALMART]

lol @ esfp

 

[Society]

Anyhow I could do with some advice on methods to minimise my tendency to compare myself with others, ONLY on the qualities and achievements they possess that I do not.

that's a tough minefield to walk through: wouldn't any solution anyone gives you here which is based on qualities/traits they possess (and you do not)... just make it worst?

so in trying to keep this self contained..

how about you use the exact same tendency for comparison for the exact opposite affect? use the other side of the coin your already holding:
-> cherish the shared negatives everyone faces, embrace the humanizing aspects of "we're all in the same boat" in yourself and others.

i mean - there's a reason utilitarianism is built in existentialism - and if it works for western society, it can work for you....
(because your British and western's society is your ancestors fault, so.. there! a non-sequitur at your service!).

 

[Cellmold]

lol @ esfp

I say: If the shoe fits.....get a different sized foot.

that's a tough minefield to walk through: wouldn't any solution anyone gives you here which is based on qualities/traits they possess (and you do not)... just make it worst?

so in trying to keep this self contained..

how about you use the exact same tendency for comparison for the exact opposite affect? use the other side of the coin your already holding:
-> cherish the shared negatives everyone faces, embrace the humanizing aspects of "we're all in the same boat" in yourself and others.

i mean - there's a reason utilitarianism is built in existentialism - and if it works for western society, it can work for you....
(because your British and western's society is your ancestors fault, so.. there! a non-sequitur at your service!).

You have a point. And you're damn right it's our ancestors fault! We take pride in our ancestral fuck ups.

try to accept yourself as who you are... Like saying "I am this, so what..." Play on your strengths instead... and don't try to be someone you aren't...

ESFPs and I seem to grate on each other... If you are an ESFP, try acting gradually more like pseudo-ISFJ, i.e. exercise more humility and servitude...in small doses so that you'll gain more flexibility to deal with whatever life throws at you...

Hmm....I am in a quandry. Quite the contradiction you have posed me. So should I accept and be myself, or be a pseudo-ISFJ and if I am accepting myself, does that not involve all the negative as well as positive aspects of my nature?

What if I decide lashing out is part of myself and I should accept that I do it? The other parts of your post I already understand, I acknowledge that my low self-esteem largely stems from this unhealthy comparison, which is why what [MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION] said is a good point for me to remember.

I'm just trying to see how your reasoning fits together and whether I can apply it to myself, even though it appears a bit contradictory. Although I suppose there are some Fe subtleties that I might be missing.

 

[Amargith]

I used to do this - still do, in stressful moments, but at least I've become aware of it and can therefore pull the plug on its validity and priority.

I find that it diminished greatly once I figured out what *MY* standards were instead of the standards I feared were put on me by society. I rebelled against and resented the perceived standards I was to meet as they didn't agree with my own - which I invalidated because who was I to decide and determine what was in fact valuable?

I realised that *I* was in fact the sole authority as to what standard I should hold myself to. And once I did, a lot of those fears, anxieties and need for comparison - at least in that way - disappeared. Certainly, there are situations where adhering to the general standard in that situation is valuable, especially once *you* decide you want to enter that field of arena. But then it becomes a conscious choice to accept and adhere to those standards, instead of just having them thrust upon you (or perceive having them thrust upon you).

Instead of comparing myself to others as to what I lacked and they had, I started to compare my reaction to others who displayed those very traits that made me so insecure and compare it to the response I had to myself displaying them. I realised that I was perfectly fine in most situations, perfectly understanding of those supposed shortcomings in others due to the fact that I saw where they came from, how far they'd already come and where they were headed. I realised that I was more compassionate with others, than I was with myself. That I was arrogant in the things I demanded of myself to be able to do - without practice, without going through the stumbling, at times infuriatingly slow process of being a student and allowing myself to make mistakes. I wanted to be perfect for everyone to see, without any effort. And I resented feeling like I should be perfect all the time at the same time - causing irrational envy and misery within.

So if you're going to do any comparing - if you cannot help it, go for the comparing that I just described. Ask yourself what the differences are between how you review yourself and how you review others. Ask yourself if they are truly your standards that you're using and see if you can come up with a reason for the standard you're wielding atm. A legitimate reason. Question it, ask yourself what it serves.

And above all - be compassionate and patient with yourself. Ironically, you'll find you'll need to learn to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you learn to be patient and compassionate with yourself - you'll fail at it, and that'll be alright coz each time you try again, you'll learn something new and get better

It might seem like a cliche, but it is true what they say ; nobody has ever nor will ever after you have the gifts you have to bestow on the world. Don't make yourself miserable comparing yourself to others. You'll miss what is right in front of you - the actual joy of being you. And you'll deny others to benefit from it too in your pursuit for being another.

 

[yeghor]

Hmm....I am in a quandry. Quite the contradiction you have posed me. So should I accept and be myself, or be a pseudo-ISFJ and if I am accepting myself, does that not involve all the negative as well as positive aspects of my nature?

What if I decide lashing out is part of myself and I should accept that I do it? The other parts of your post I already understand, I acknowledge that my low self-esteem largely stems from this unhealthy comparison, which is why what [MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION] said is a good point for me to remember.

I'm just trying to see how your reasoning fits together and whether I can apply it to myself, even though it appears a bit contradictory. Although I suppose there are some Fe subtleties that I might be missing.

Yes, the lashing out part is part of your personality too... You can acknowledge that it's a part of you and choose to go along with it... or, try to gain more control of it and try express that part of your personality in a less destructive fashion... By exercising that part IRL for constructive purposes...

Embrace the parts that you are strong in, and try to make achievements on those areas...

 

[johnnyyukon]

“No snowflake ever lands in the wrong place.”


― Zen saying

 

[Cellmold]

Yes, the lashing out part is part of your personality too... You can acknowledge that it's a part of you and choose to go along with it... or, try to gain more control of it and try express that part of your personality in a less destructive fashion... By exercising that part IRL for constructive purposes...

Embrace the parts that you are strong in, and try to make achievements on those areas...

So I should ignore areas of weakness?

 

[prplchknz]

So I should ignore areas of weakness?

I don't think so but it seems you magnify the area of weakness and minimize your strengths. Basically realize what your strengths are and be aware of your limitations but don't let your weaknesses define you. Bring your strengths to the front and put your weaknesses on the back burner, so you know what they are but don't pull you down either

Hopefully this makes sense

 

[yeghor]

So I should ignore areas of weakness?

For the time being I guess... Just capitalize on your strong points and collect some achievements under your belt, then use that accumulated potential to work on your weak points...

 

[Cellmold]

For the time being I guess... Just capitalize on your strong points and collect some achievements under your belt, then use that accumulated potential to work on your weak points...

Oh can you tell me what you see my weaknesses as maybe being? I TS always useful to get other perspective's.

 

[yeghor]

Oh can you tell me what you see my weaknesses as maybe being? I TS always useful to get other perspective's.

Sorry, I don't know you that well...

 

[Cellmold]

Sorry, I don't know you that well...

Fair enough.

Do you have any observation of ESFP weaknesses?

 

[yeghor]

Fair enough.

Do you have any observation of ESFP weaknesses?

-Unhealthy\insecure one's may try to compensate for their feelings of not being intelligent\smart enough thru bragging about their knowledge or being on the look out for opportunities to put down others...(Te-tert)
-May be impulsive, promiscous, violent, pleasure-seeking... (Se-dom)
-May have emotional fluctuations, which may correspond to bipolar or borderline personality disorder in some cases... (Fi-aux)
-May be paranoid about how others think of them (low Ni)

 

[johnnyyukon]

As a disclaimer I'll try not to be pissy and dismiss advice as I did in the 'friend job' thread, I find it difficult because I've taken advice my entire life, but without the reasoned notion of picking apart that advice first. Which makes me a bit over the top with it nowadays.

Anyhow I could do with some advice on methods to minimise my tendency to compare myself with others, ONLY on the qualities and achievements they possess that I do not.

It's a cause of stress in myself I realise and if I can let it go and diffuse this arrogance, I might actually have a chance of being happy for once in a while instead of judging inside and out, unfairly to both myself and others.

Find something you can do that makes you feel confident. This is often easier said than done. People start comparing themselves to others when they have major insecurities in their life (everyone has some insecurities).

 

[Cellmold]

-Unhealthy\insecure one's may try to compensate for their feelings of not being intelligent\smart enough thru bragging about their knowledge or being on the look out for opportunities to put down others...(Te-tert)
-May be impulsive, promiscous, violent, pleasure-seeking... (Se-dom)
-May have emotional fluctuations, which may correspond to bipolar or borderline personality disorder in some cases... (Fi-aux)
-May be paranoid about how others think of them (low Ni)

I relate to all of those except the Se - dom one, I'm rather tame on that account, but that might be something to do with upbringing.

Find something you can do that makes you feel confident. This is often easier said than done. People start comparing themselves to others when they have major insecurities in their life (everyone has some insecurities).

Isn't that just propping yourself up on others though?

 

[Serendipity]

As a disclaimer I'll try not to be pissy and dismiss advice as I did in the 'friend job' thread, I find it difficult because I've taken advice my entire life, but without the reasoned notion of picking apart that advice first. Which makes me a bit over the top with it nowadays.

Anyhow I could do with some advice on methods to minimise my tendency to compare myself with others, ONLY on the qualities and achievements they possess that I do not.

It's a cause of stress in myself I realise and if I can let it go and diffuse this arrogance, I might actually have a chance of being happy for once in a while instead of judging inside and out, unfairly to both myself and others.

TL;DR thread but:

You can. Shift your attention to the feeling, disassociate yourself with it, create a space where you can breathe and keep the feeling in the middle of said space.

Now turn it around, how does it look, where does it feel in your body and what is it trying to hide from you? What would be the opposite of what you see/experience?

Try observing it with all the senses, focused inside and see the changes it makes according to how you decide to look at it.

If you wish, you can dissect it, create a chain of events that led to this feeling and find the root-causes.

(this happens in your inner field of vision, whether with open or closed eyes - doesn't matter)

Personally, I typically use a "void-space", there's nothing in it except what I wish to observe.

Sometimes I just look at the changes it takes, at other times I wish to pick layer to layer and see the insides outside.

Another favorite practice of mine is to create a parallell line of where my "unconscious" thoughts arise around it, voices blabbering about and begin a chain of bubbles behind it, each building into the other yet separated events;
I call it a chain, because the key is the feeling growing stronger or lessening in strength. There's often many keys between the images but since I've set my focus on a particular one, I prefer to just grab the keys that I need for the locks that I've set out to open. Basically, after enough times doing this, you'll find yourself having a knack for which keys. Often keys don't feel like keys but you'll know.

I often also make a timeline, where I can place the events inside, for the easy overview and since I am raised in the "rational" way. It is just as easily accessible through a spherical interface, just differently exposed. Both ways work well, that being said, I've tried to have a chaotic disharmonious "file-tree" but I haven't reached the same kind of understanding and release with it. I do implore that you will find your own way.

My experience is only for bare shell necessity, as to give the idea something to stand upon and liken to. I expect you to find something that isn't similar and that which works for you and this could be the first step in a path of many - if you so choose to act. If not, there's many other paths.