Azure Flame
Permabanned
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2010
- Messages
- 2,317
- MBTI Type
- ESTP
- Enneagram
- 8w7
All too often I encounter people in this world who have given up hope of ever finding what they really want in life. Other people's emotions tend to permeate me without my consent, and I have to force them away from me. The feeling is that of slogging through a bog. I'm one of the few people slogging through this bog where thousands of buried souls reach up and grab my legs to pull me under with them. I am literally walking through hell itself. In my current circumstances, I have to thrust them off of me. There is nothing I can do to help them, I can only save myself. Its a world of sadness, and there is nothing that can be done to save all of them. I can only try my best, after first bettering myself.
I find the happier I am, the more women I have approaching me begging me to take me with them. But every once in a blue moon, there she is, walking by herself slogging through the bog herself, still seemingly above the heads of those begging her for help.
To reach down and help one person would be to risk losing ground and sinking with the others only to be pulled under with them. In that I must build a foundation, a platform where I can pull others up.
At this point I'm convinced the most important thing to ignore every woman I know unless she's in an emotional state higher than mine.
I recently met a girl at work, a fellow gymnastics instructor. She's full of spunk, charisma, energy, and excitement for the future. Still very young, still quite inexperienced with life.
I compare her to the multitude of 30+ year old women I've spoken to or dated in the last year. Women who have their financial shit together, but ultimately have given up in life. Felt thrown out, cast aside in life with a miserable attitude. They often date younger men. Why? Could it be because younger men still have excitement and passion? Maybe they can vampire the energy out of them? Maybe these men are in their sexual prime, a prime target to satisfy their shallow desire for sex as a bandaid to their wounds? Whatever the reason, its sad to think there are so many people out there who self medicate with alcohol, drugs and sex to mask the emptiness in their lives.
I had a dream recently. I was walking barefoot through a town called "Springwells." It was a smooth cobblestone gravel road town, with an inch of warm rainwater glistening in the sunlight that filtered through a leafy green canopy draped over the town. There was a man on the porch smoking a cigar in his wooden lounge chair watching grown men rock climb the side of his house. A man built an armored vehicle with cogged wheels that rattled down the road splashing in the rainwater. Another man built a 4 wheeled bmx bike that he performed a backflip on in the distance. Me and my friends sat at a concrete picnic table eating pizza in the warm rain watching everyone in the town have fun. If there was a city of ESTP's, this was it.
It was heaven to me. It reminded me so much of what I used to think about as a kid, the kinds of things I wanted in life. I thought about the people I met. The lonely women I'd met who would unconsciously beg me to take them with me in my pursuit of happiness, only to bring me down with them. My last ISFP "girlfriend," if you want to call her that, would have this huge grin on her face whenever she saw me in my moments of utter ambition and inspiration and happiness. She'd start glowing. She loved it. It was this look of hope or excitement. Then we'd date and her mood was completely melancholy and forlorn. I couldn't help but pity her. I wanted to help her, to help her meet more people, to feel good about herself. But as I did that, I slipped further and further into depression myself, and grew unproductive in my own efforts and work.
Its often difficult for me to gauge my own happiness and satisfaction or self esteem in life when I simply fall for the women with the strongest emotions. It often feels like my soul is burning, or deflating. Its hard to describe, but its not a good feeling.
Every so often, however, I come across other real estate agents and investors... rich people who walk around with a huge fucking smile on their face. I too, hope to join their ranks. People often say money doesn't buy happiness, but self esteem certainly does, and these are often people who do what they enjoy, and live life to the fullest. They don't let negativity drag them down. I sometimes trade emails with a woman who lives 4 hours west of me, asking her how she's doing as a new real estate agent, and just trading emails as the two of us are struggling to get off the ground, but still hopeful and optimistic. It touches my heart when I find these people out, alone in the world, similar to myself with strength of will and a vision to remember the good things in life.
With this being said, I've recently had to put conscious effort into reminding myself what my own inspirations are, what kind of things I want in life, so that I can find them, and so that I may one day help others find them as well without bringing me down. I have a mother who works around the house constantly, her life never changing, she paints picture of cows outside, and speaks to one or two of the neighbors. I have a father who very sadly told me after I quit the navy, "some people go their whole lives looking for what it is they truly want to do in life and never actually find it." He didn't have any confidence I would find my way, much the way I suspect he lost his own. It amazes me how some people choose to live life without hope. I would rather die than suffer hell on earth.
I find the happier I am, the more women I have approaching me begging me to take me with them. But every once in a blue moon, there she is, walking by herself slogging through the bog herself, still seemingly above the heads of those begging her for help.
To reach down and help one person would be to risk losing ground and sinking with the others only to be pulled under with them. In that I must build a foundation, a platform where I can pull others up.
At this point I'm convinced the most important thing to ignore every woman I know unless she's in an emotional state higher than mine.
I recently met a girl at work, a fellow gymnastics instructor. She's full of spunk, charisma, energy, and excitement for the future. Still very young, still quite inexperienced with life.
I compare her to the multitude of 30+ year old women I've spoken to or dated in the last year. Women who have their financial shit together, but ultimately have given up in life. Felt thrown out, cast aside in life with a miserable attitude. They often date younger men. Why? Could it be because younger men still have excitement and passion? Maybe they can vampire the energy out of them? Maybe these men are in their sexual prime, a prime target to satisfy their shallow desire for sex as a bandaid to their wounds? Whatever the reason, its sad to think there are so many people out there who self medicate with alcohol, drugs and sex to mask the emptiness in their lives.
I had a dream recently. I was walking barefoot through a town called "Springwells." It was a smooth cobblestone gravel road town, with an inch of warm rainwater glistening in the sunlight that filtered through a leafy green canopy draped over the town. There was a man on the porch smoking a cigar in his wooden lounge chair watching grown men rock climb the side of his house. A man built an armored vehicle with cogged wheels that rattled down the road splashing in the rainwater. Another man built a 4 wheeled bmx bike that he performed a backflip on in the distance. Me and my friends sat at a concrete picnic table eating pizza in the warm rain watching everyone in the town have fun. If there was a city of ESTP's, this was it.
It was heaven to me. It reminded me so much of what I used to think about as a kid, the kinds of things I wanted in life. I thought about the people I met. The lonely women I'd met who would unconsciously beg me to take them with me in my pursuit of happiness, only to bring me down with them. My last ISFP "girlfriend," if you want to call her that, would have this huge grin on her face whenever she saw me in my moments of utter ambition and inspiration and happiness. She'd start glowing. She loved it. It was this look of hope or excitement. Then we'd date and her mood was completely melancholy and forlorn. I couldn't help but pity her. I wanted to help her, to help her meet more people, to feel good about herself. But as I did that, I slipped further and further into depression myself, and grew unproductive in my own efforts and work.
Its often difficult for me to gauge my own happiness and satisfaction or self esteem in life when I simply fall for the women with the strongest emotions. It often feels like my soul is burning, or deflating. Its hard to describe, but its not a good feeling.
Every so often, however, I come across other real estate agents and investors... rich people who walk around with a huge fucking smile on their face. I too, hope to join their ranks. People often say money doesn't buy happiness, but self esteem certainly does, and these are often people who do what they enjoy, and live life to the fullest. They don't let negativity drag them down. I sometimes trade emails with a woman who lives 4 hours west of me, asking her how she's doing as a new real estate agent, and just trading emails as the two of us are struggling to get off the ground, but still hopeful and optimistic. It touches my heart when I find these people out, alone in the world, similar to myself with strength of will and a vision to remember the good things in life.
With this being said, I've recently had to put conscious effort into reminding myself what my own inspirations are, what kind of things I want in life, so that I can find them, and so that I may one day help others find them as well without bringing me down. I have a mother who works around the house constantly, her life never changing, she paints picture of cows outside, and speaks to one or two of the neighbors. I have a father who very sadly told me after I quit the navy, "some people go their whole lives looking for what it is they truly want to do in life and never actually find it." He didn't have any confidence I would find my way, much the way I suspect he lost his own. It amazes me how some people choose to live life without hope. I would rather die than suffer hell on earth.
