Have You Changed Over the Years?

[FemMecha]

The question of whether or not people change is an interesting one because on one level we are in a constant flux of change based on our reactions to our environments, but is there something at the core that remains constant?

I've changed quite in bit in a number of ways as far as I can tell. It seems that way from the inside looking out. Significant events in life and changes in my understanding of the world in general is what has changed me the most.

In what ways has life changed you over the years?

 

[Halla74]

Great topic.

I agree with you that many of the big changes in life seem to be event driven, or at least manifest in our lives during or after some major life event. The end of my first adult romantic realtionship, the summer when I moved away from home, the death of my cousin, failing out of college, graduating college a few years later, getting married, becoming a father, all these events have changed my viewpoint on life.

I think our core self is kind of a mix of our genetic pre-dispositions (MBTI as well as other psychological elements), the lessons we learned as we grew up (right or wrong), and our animal instincts. These things do not change that much, once you are reasonably formed/mature (about 13-18 depending on the person) I think the core mix is set, the mound of wet clay is complete, and then we subconscioulsy begin sculpting our new selves as our lives unfold.

My cousin, Robert, who passed away a few years ago. He and I had not seen each other for many years (I met him again when I was 23 and he last saw me when I was 7). He was waiting for me on his porch as I drove up to his house. He smiled and laughed as he came forward to greet me and gave me a big hug (He was a HUGE guy, like 6'5" and 350 pounds) and he said "Alex, you have not changed a bit since I last saw you. You have the same exact look on your face and you still walk like a bull. It's nice to see you again!" We went out to dinner and had a great time. Those type of experiences predispose me to believe that parts of us are very consistent throughout our lives.

 

[FDG]

No. I think I am completely the same person as what I was when ...10? Maybe not the same in comparison to before 10, though.

 

[Totenkindly]

Adulthood, parenthood, and life crises all do change us.

I remember struggling so hard to fulfill certain moral beliefs when I was a teen -- wanting to be someone who wasn't selfish, who gave without regret or bitterness, who could choose to do good things without wanting things in return, who could love people who had hurt me even if they never recognized what they had done to me.

In the past few weeks, I realized that somewhere along the way I had become that person. I'm not sure how or why. I just finally have burning conviction of what is right and I no longer care about the responses.

The other thing: In LTRs, I used to be very resilient and cold when someone came to me with emotional needs I intellectually did not appreciate. I would just dig in immediately and not budge at all. I was told yesterday that I am very very different... that I am gracious, giving, empathetic, and meet people where they are when I know they can't come any further at the time.

I feel awkward saying many good things about myself, that wasn't really my point; the point I think is that I am offering the possibility that life is a growing process, and things that seem impossible for us to maintain when we are younger often take a long time to develop but can one day be reached just by committing and submitting to the process. Change is possible, and often when we do not even recognize it is occurring.

... of course, often it's the crappiest things in life that shape and refine us into something better. I've had my share of pain in life and more; but then again, it's what makes us strong if we survive it and work through it.

 

[wolfy]

Not really. I'm basically the same temperament I was as a kid.
I've matured, gained skills and knowledge. Some of the things I value have changed. But fundamentally I'm the same.

 

[entropie]

I can agree to Halla. Though I often heard the statement "you have changed" I dont quite think so too. I think the things I care about, my fears or my intrest in life has changed but it all builds around a core a very foundation that has not changed.

There are this people living in my hometown, who pursue the eternal dream. They are between 16 and 30 years old and regulary meet on weekends in clubs or discos to pursue their dreaming of never growing old and having to work alllife. The thing is, when they will grow old, they wont change that again, they will work again, care for the family and their only point of refugee will be to think in the back of the head, maybe next weekend we can invite over some friends and have a party.

Though this doesnt have to do much with the topic, I think this to be a marvellous example of how someone could never change. And they dont do, because they never tried; they never tried to pursue a career in rocket engineering and become part of a totally new style of life. And that should be just one example.

 

[cascadeco]

There have been times when I have thought that I have changed quite a lot over the years. But then sometimes I think that maybe I haven't....but that speaks more to what you say about core aspects remaining unchanged.

I'll provide one concrete example, which a friend has commented on, and then I'll go off on my own ramblings. I met this friend about 8 yrs ago, and lived with her a few yrs back then. Quite recently we went on a trip together, and she told me that she thinks I'm the one friend she has who has really changed, and 'blossomed'. Related to the trip, she made a comparison between now and 8 yrs ago. She asked if I remembered how 8 yrs ago when we went to an outdoor concert, on the way back to the car I was very cautious, nervous about entering an alley, just in general a lot of trepidation in my approach to the world. And how now, I'm traveling around the world by myself, and I'm the one convincing HER to do things on the trip, or try things out, and she tells her friends about me. When she told me this, I was like....huh.....

The constant within my persona, that many people comment on, is that I am 'Thoughtful' and I put a lot of thought into pretty much everything I do. I'm just always contemplating and thinking about stuff. I typically have a reason(s) behind doing things, or choosing one thing over another - from the little to the very big. I think I've always been this way.

So my internal traits probably haven't changed a whole lot, but my perceptions about things have morphed quite a lot over the years. And perceptions are what drive behaviors and approach to the world and others - at least for me. So my change in perceptions have impacted my external behaviors - in social settings, in making decisions about my life and what I want out of it, etc.

A quick summary of behavioral changes -- as a teenager I was quite closed-off from all of my peers, and didn't really have any friends, or allow myself to get close to others. For one I don't think I knew how to, but also I had a rather intense Fear of people. I was scared of people, and what people did. I got this fear primarily out of observing people, because observation is pretty much all I did in school. Observation and going off into my thoughts. And in addition, internalizing teasing directed towards me, which made me not trust anyone. I was also quite lonely though, and unhappy that I didn't have any friends. Like, I felt I had it in me to have friends, and my state disgusted me, but it wasn't in me at that time to change it, due to the fear aspect, and insecurity on my part. In college I made the executive decision to try to do everything opposite how I was in high school, since I'd been relatively miserable in high school. So I started afresh, no past following me, no one knew me, and I ended up having several friends and having quite a different existance than I'd had as a teenager. I could go further into this, and add that I was denying/hiding many pieces of myself while doing this, but suffice it to say I had fun, I wouldn't do it much differently if I were to go back, and by the end of college I was starting to spontaneously shift back a bit more to how I was as a teenager -- but with added elements of more confidence and less fear. I do feel it appropriate to add here though that in my journal from my sr. year in college, I wrote that I took a 300 question personality test and I didn't like the results, which told me at that time that I had low agreeableness, low altruism, low friendliness, low sympathy, and low trust, and that "I have to start working on this!!" This is interesting to me because as I've written before, it really begs the question on whether Type can or cannot change -- because I was no NF (at least externally) back then.

My 20's have also had a large internal component to them. I've done a lot, and tried to push my boundaries a lot. In my early 20's I was still pretty closed off to my own emotions, and for a few yrs in my mid-20's I explored all of them, and since then have incorporated them as an important part of my life and my personality (but prior to that?? They were buried quite deeply and were probably pretty repressed). And finally, it's only in recent years that I think I've really become more open to others and am finally starting to feel solid about my own identity. Also there's been a bit of a shift from a more pessimistic outlook on life to a more optimistic one. And this in turn impacts how I approach others, and the nature of my relationships.

 

[kyuuei]

My attitude, views, the way I deal with people, and the way I handle the situation is all different from how I was 6 months ago. I was different from 6 months ago than I was a year ago. I change constantly, as I'm a young adult and I seem to be in this phase of figuring out what I am, what I want to be, and how I can get where I want. I suppose I'll continue to change throughout my 20's, and well on into my 30s. Then by the time I'm happy in my 40's, things around me will change to make me change again.

At least, I hope I continue to change and seek the truth..

 

[FemMecha]

...I remember struggling so hard to fulfill certain moral beliefs when I was a teen -- wanting to be someone who wasn't selfish, who gave without regret or bitterness, who could choose to do good things without wanting things in return, who could love people who had hurt me even if they never recognized what they had done to me.

This is an aspect in which I have changed as well. During adolescence, I was deeply influenced by religious ideals. I felt tremendous external pressure especially when I was at a Christian boarding school at ages 16-18. I felt intense pressure to "be a good example". I was taught alot about the end of the world and how if we didn't have a perfect character by the time Jesus returned, then we wouldn't be able to go and some other things like that which exacerbated some of the emotional imbalances I had anyway. My world view had been constructed and imposed on me and it caused some cognitive dissonance on a variety of levels.

I felt cut off from other people and assumed this was the way life would always be. I would be available for all the"misfit toys" at the school since in my own way I was one of them. I had intensely low self esteem with destructive impulses, but the kinds of kids who looked up to me would be especially affected by it if I ever expressed it, and so I kept it hidden (which was probably a help to me).

There was a core aspect of myself that I discovered independently of the external pressures. This I found when I would go alone in nature and let go. I had a little walk I would take from the school so that I was hidden behind a group of trees and could see nothing except for some fields of corn, soybeans, and the clear blue sky. Every perception would take in a richly aesthetic experience. The boundary between myself an this tremendous beauty would disappear. It healed me every time.

...I feel awkward saying many good things about myself, that wasn't really my point; the point I think is that I am offering the possibility that life is a growing process, and things that seem impossible for us to maintain when we are younger often take a long time to develop but can one day be reached just by committing and submitting to the process. Change is possible, and often when we do not even recognize it is occurring.

... of course, often it's the crappiest things in life that shape and refine us into something better. I've had my share of pain in life and more; but then again, it's what makes us strong if we survive it and work through it.

I especially appreciate the way you said this.

...So my internal traits probably haven't changed a whole lot, but my perceptions about things have morphed quite a lot over the years. And perceptions are what drive behaviors and approach to the world and others - at least for me. So my change in perceptions have impacted my external behaviors - in social settings, in making decisions about my life and what I want out of it, etc.

I can definitely identify with this.

A quick summary of behavioral changes -- as a teenager I was quite closed-off from all of my peers, and didn't really have any friends, or allow myself to get close to others. For one I don't think I knew how to, but also I had a rather intense Fear of people. I was scared of people, and what people did. I got this fear primarily out of observing people, because observation is pretty much all I did in school. Observation and going off into my thoughts. And in addition, internalizing teasing directed towards me, which made me not trust anyone. I was also quite lonely though, and unhappy that I didn't have any friends. Like, I felt I had it in me to have friends, and my state disgusted me, but it wasn't in me at that time to change it, due to the fear aspect, and insecurity on my part.

and this.

My entire world view is different from when I was younger. In some ways I am more like when I was 13, than my late teens and twenties when I had a lot more imposed on me externally through a particular religious ideology and culture. When I was younger my ideals and depressions were more absolute. Now everything is a mix of bittersweetness. I still struggle to trust people, but have a more nuanced view of how the constructive and destructive traits intermingle. I see more the cause and effect relationships. I used to withhold judgment from people by internalizing anything negative I saw, blocking it out, and idealizing the other person even if they were hurting me. I think I'm more balanced now realizing every hurt is the result of two complicated and limited people bumping into one another. Having some of the people I admire and care for most cause me significant pain simply because of the complexities and limitations in the interaction has also helped me to let go of expectations and just allow life to unfold without judgment. The degree to which life is uncertain and keeps changing also amazes me and discredits any attempts at depressive thinking which attempts to project the negative indefinitely into the future. One guarantee we all have is that it *isn't* always going to be like our current scenario.

Having my entire model for reality altered is a profound change which I am still adjusting to. I am deeply agnostic in most areas, although work hard to form working hypotheses. I still doubt myself a great deal. I hope to continue to grow. One thing that really encouraged me is that the person who lives with me now said I am the most laid back, easygoing person he has known (and he has seen me at my absolute worst in terms of anxiety attacks and such.) For some reason that gives me hope that I can face whatever comes next.

 

[FDG]

Wow...people are complex

 

[Valhallahereicome]

It's hard for me to tell, because most of my childhood and adolescence was twisted by a rough home situation. I feel like a lot of my insecurity and depression carries over from that time, and every time I think I'm "cured" of something it pops right back up again a little while later. I keep hoping that I'm "cured" and that wishful thinking probably keeps me from seeing how much I've actually stayed the same over the years.

At the core, besides being fucked up - I guess I'm still loud and crazy and always pushing the envelope. I've been like that since I was a kid, but never got to act on it until I moved out of the house. I'm still stubborn and independent. When I was 6 years old, I remember getting into a heated argument with my parents about why children should be able to vote. Still hate being told what to do. That one's probably genetic.

Still need to please people underneath it all, which may be part of being fucked up or may be my basic personality. Still get withdrawn sometimes and think that people don't like me, which is definitely a hangover from childhood and probably a direct result of being told that I suck as a human being, many times.

Definitely developed my Ti function during college, and I value that immensely. The better my thinking skills, the easier it is to build my life the way I want it. I rely less on Fi now, or so it seems - everything needs to be examined before I believe in it, and few things stir up the intense melancholy that I felt almost every day when growing up. I prefer it that way.

 

[Synapse]

A quick summary of behavioral changes -- as a teenager I was quite closed-off from all of my peers, and didn't really have any friends, or allow myself to get close to others. For one I don't think I knew how to, but also I had a rather intense Fear of people. I was scared of people, and what people did. I got this fear primarily out of observing people, because observation is pretty much all I did in school. Observation and going off into my thoughts. And in addition, internalizing teasing directed towards me, which made me not trust anyone. I was also quite lonely though, and unhappy that I didn't have any friends. Like, I felt I had it in me to have friends, and my state disgusted me, but it wasn't in me at that time to change it, due to the fear aspect, and insecurity on my part.

As an adult this is still applicable to me, except my fears are manifest and learnt as a consequence to observing my fathers behaviour.

It's hard for me to tell, because most of my childhood and adolescence was twisted by a rough home situation. I feel like a lot of my insecurity and depression carries over from that time, and every time I think I'm "cured" of something it pops right back up again a little while later. I keep hoping that I'm "cured" and that wishful thinking probably keeps me from seeing how much I've actually stayed the same over the years.

I coined it like a hydra head, each time you lop off a hydra head a weaker version appears. Going in the right direction, yet the grip is still strong enough to leave its mark.

Have I changed, good question, seems to be a slow process, like a tree growing up.

I believe the subconscious provides and I will be receptive to change more often. I lived through my major crisis points and there have been a great many. My wish to have a social group manifested now the last few years so change for me is happening.

 

[bluebell]

Yep. I've systematically ripped down everything I can find in my mind relating to how I view myself and rebuilt. The rebuilding is still going on and I'm not entirely sure where I'll end up.

 

[garbage]

I used to be perfectionistic, regimented, withdrawn, misanthropic, and unhappy, until I figured out that it didn't work for me. I'm pretty sure my ISFJ mother had way too much influence on me.

Like bluebell, I feel like I'm restructuring myself. I actually hope the process never stops.. I'd hate to just stagnate. I'm actually beginning to doubt my type, but I also don't feel like I have to rigidly define myself in such terms.

 

[Cenomite]

I used to be much nicer and optimistic than I am now. I don't consider myself an asshole, but I'm not nearly as willing to self-sacrifice or go out of my way for people anymore. I also have much less faith in people in general.

I'm guessing this has to do with the group of friends I rolled with in elementary / middle school, or just accumulated life experience. I use to be nice pretty much to the point of being taken advantage of when I was a kid, something I learned that I would need to change quickly to get anywhere in life.

 

[FDG]

I used to be perfectionistic, regimented, withdrawn, misanthropic, and unhappy, until I figured out that it didn't work for me.

Don't feel bad, that's just how extroverts have to become to go through college.

 

[iwakar]

If maturity is change, or a form/facet of it, yes.

 

[kiddykat]

I think if anything, my values changed? Other than that, most people say, "I'm surprised. You're still the same."

Anyway, I have a way with people I care most about. I know how to tickle their soft-spot. I think a lot of the times, with them, they think they changed, when in reality, it's because they're stressed. And whenever we hang out, I remind them of the little idiosyncratic things that make them unique and adorable, the same person they once were and still are if it makes any sense.

 

[Rajah]

The only things that seem constant are nagging uncertainty and insecurity. I am a lot kinder to myself than I used to be, but I'm still awfully demanding and critical of myself. It's something I try to work on, but I tend to revert to old habits. Not quite sure how to contend with it.

 

[cascadeco]

The degree to which life is uncertain and keeps changing also amazes me and discredits any attempts at depressive thinking which attempts to project the negative indefinitely into the future. One guarantee we all have is that it *isn't* always going to be like our current scenario.

I think this is a powerful thing to recognize, and I know that when I have gone through existential crises/internal struggles in the past, as well as external situations that were hard for me to deal with, and *made it through them*, that it only made me stronger for the future and also provided the experience and awareness to know that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Knowing within myself that I have the strength to get through things means present disillusionments, while never any easier to experience (from an emotional perspective), don't have a really solid hold on me -- because a part of my brain knows that 'this too shall pass'.

Having my entire model for reality altered is a profound change which I am still adjusting to. I am deeply agnostic in most areas, although work hard to form working hypotheses. I still doubt myself a great deal. I hope to continue to grow.

I sometimes feel this way about myself, and go through periods of self doubt. But I believe it's something that's happening less frequently as time goes on. As for the agnosticism, I identify with that tendency as well - especially in certain subject areas. But also think some of it is that I tend to strive for, and believe in, balance and moderation in pretty much every aspect of life. That might appear rather similar to agnosticism, no? Might appear to be noncommital, even though I can be rather opinionated in my very agnosticism/moderation.

One thing that really encouraged me is that the person who lives with me now said I am the most laid back, easygoing person he has known (and he has seen me at my absolute worst in terms of anxiety attacks and such.) For some reason that gives me hope that I can face whatever comes next.

Aw, that's great! It's always interesting to receive feedback from others, isn't it? I think I tend to be overly aware of my weaknesses and 'flaws', so probably wouldn't be caught off guard if people pointed those out to me, but my reaction whenever people give me a compliment or say something favorable about my personality is often one of surprise....like..."Really?
I'm that way?? Huh."

As an adult this is still applicable to me, except my fears are manifest and learnt as a consequence to observing my fathers behaviour.

You know, lifelong defense mechanisms (or however you want to term it) can take quite a long time to work through and exterminate.

I think I've come a really long way since high school, as much of the fear when it comes to making friends and basic socializing is gone, and I am able to be relatively open and confident in who I am, and am not afraid to interact with others - and no longer assume that people will make fun of me, or people won't like me. But I think the difficulty-in-trusting/fear is still present in really intimate relationships, and it's really hard for me to be 'raw' and open in exposing my insecurities and all of that to another. And the rawness usually comes out with tears, because it's buried so deep that the tears come out as well. And this is probably a factor in why dating is so hard for me and romantic relationships can be such an achilles heel and matter of anxiety for me. So I'm definitely still a work in progress as far as this goes....just a LOT better than I used to be.