[ENFP] happiness as an ENFP

[lovefool21]

Hi all,

I discovered I was an ENFP about 7-8 years ago. I'm mid-thirties now. A lot of my 20s was spent pursuing a creative arts path - in hindsight in ways that were counter-productive and held me back both personally and careerwise. Classic ENFP I fear, we're smart but we can often go about things the wrong way. So that career did not go according to plan.

I got to my 30s, realised I had to establish some financial stability and so went into small time property investment, and through 3 or so years hard work I got myself to a position where I have enough passive income coming in to pay the bills (plus a little extra), for the rest of my life really. I won't be rich but I should be comfortable.

I then decided (due to my parents' past financial mistakes) to go one step further and last year bought a small business to 'catch up' even more financially: worst mistake ever. The business is in a very difficult field and I haven't got the family support I had hoped for, so it has taken over my life. The work is repetitive and an extremely stressful 24/7 responsibility (due to the field it's in), with all the risk on my shoulders should anything happen. The past few months have been real hell. I have now put the business up for sale: but it will take several months to complete the sale, and only sell if I take a very large loss.

Because of my previous hardwork in my early 30s, my lifestyle would still not be affected but on paper I will be somewhat poorer; I'll feel very guilty about losing all that money and will have reduced cash to invest in the future.

I wonder if I have been trying to fight my true personality for the past few years which has led to this unhappy state, and that we're ENFPs for a reason and shouldn't try to be what we're not.

Any other ENFPs care to comment, and also whether they have found happiness while still ticking the conventional boxes? Or have you had to cast all of that aside to be happy?

 

[PumpkinMayCare]

As a creative type it is always hard to say which route we should take - the creative one or the safer one. Surviving as an artist is hard for most of us. It is only under special circumstances, like when you're having parents who are well off and willing to help you out, should you need it. Or some artists have the fortune to somehow meet already thriving artists and get a lift up by them, so to speak. It is very rare that an artist without any fortunate circumstances manages to get really successful; succesful enough to not have to rely on a second and more boring job to survive.

I personally went to study psychology and you should think that wouldn't entail a very rocky road, but unfortunately it was. I struggled financially a lot because I did not have parents who I could turn to when money ran out or I was sick and couldn't work for a period of time. There was noone to catch me whenever I fell and with the excessive rents here I fell pretty hard. I had the same doubts as you - questioning myself if maybe it would have been better to continue as a hairdresser because dear lord, you don't earn much money, but you *do* earn more than a student.
In the end I kept at it because I fell in love with psychology and I absolutely loved studying it. I worked my ass off at the same time, trying to get as much money in as possible. And still it wasn't enough at some point and I was devasted because I thought "but I planned everything so well", seeking security as much as possible. A few months later I realized how ridiculous it was to blame myself for struggling financially and that the real problem was I did not have my own back. You can not tell how certain situations pan out beforehand - we are not psychics!

So even when you think you're doing the right thing, the world may prove you wrong. And of course you can always go down the safer route. But sometimes you got to take risks *if* you wanna build something up.
Taking risks is a part of life. But as ENFPs, a lot of us tend to blame and shame ourselves afterwards. I think this happens when we're doubtful we really thought through that decision that got us into this unlucky situation in the first place. If other ENFPs are anything like me, then they often feel the urge to do something because of some random idea or impulse, not anything based on facts. Nevertheless how filled with loopholes our decision-making-process was, blaming yourself afterwards does nothing and helps noone. At this point there's only one good reaction to the failing: being honest and saying "I tried and I failed, and it could have happened to anyone who dares to take risks". Because that's how it is. A lot of people risk things and few of them become successful artists, a lot of them don't.

I can only say, if you can not help but blaming yourself a lot after you failed, you probably should stay away from risks. Because all kind of downfalls can happen when your pursuit of happiness doesn't have a happy ending. And really thinking through your idea/plan before you actually do it personally helps me a lot toprevent that blaming and shaming after something I tried failed. It is very fruitful to take a lot of the consequences and pros and cons before making decisions, looking at these realistically and thinking through all the possible consequences - especially the negative ones. But after I have contemplated something long enough and made a whole pro and con list about it, I have my back and even if I should fail, I won't blame me. Because I know I have really thought this through and whatever happened was something I simply could not have seen coming. I can say that way to go about taking risks has benefitted me a lot.

So, finally getting down to your question:

Well, since I love my job, this one isn't really directed at me. But in a way it also is, because I also always wanted to be a writer. Since I loved writing and psychology pretty much the same and I figured without parental help it'd be smarter to become a psychologist, I went for psychology instead of literature and I don't regret it. But I still wish to be a full-time writer one day. My first book will be published soon but that doesn't give me any security that I can be a full-time author. Very very very few can life off of writing. I still am trying and even taking, although not as huge as the last one, a risk by reducing my hours a week and getting less money, but studying literature soon and trying to write a book of high quality and popular enough that I make enough money with it to survive. Life seems to get more expensive every damn year, I tell ya ...

Good luck to you and your pursuits.


Sorry for this long rant but this is a topic that not only strikes a chord with me but also is something that most likely 98 percent of creative types struggle with.

 

[lovefool21]

Hey pumpkin pot

Thanks for sharing your story. I think you are right, effectively we beat ourselves up for just being 'us', and being a bit rash/impulsive in our decisions, or having warped decision making that leads to a silly decision we or others will come to regret.

I think the question is, when you get into a pickle, how can you focus on making things better? What is the best practical action you can take (or not take) to move to a better place?

You sound like you have a very practical outlook on your passion (Writing) that you know won't sustain you financially, i.e. to do it but not get your hopes up, and enjoy it as a sideline!

 

[Snow as White]

Ah the terrible tigers: creativity and pursuit of reality.

I tried doing the creative route and just never had that Moment. So I am back to square one, working towards applying to nursing school. On the plus side, should everything go the right way, I will have job security for the first time ever, and I can actually use the rest of my brain. Nice to see that it was still there and that I kept it active with video game knowledge.

It's been a tough decision because a part of me just wants to continue trying and trying and trying. How can I betray my soul?? I ask myself in appropriate melodramatic and anguished tones in the darkness of my heart and room at night. But then I realize things like retirement aren't just air quote jokes but very real, even if far down into the future.

On the plus side, my creativity is slowly reblossoming after the stuffing got knocked out of it. So I think I may end up having a more satisfying life/work/pursuits balance after all.

And with luck my secret novel skills will create the most amazing series since GRRM's A Song of Ice and Fire. And with even more luck I'll have a better chance of finishing it before I die. (And I lol because secretly I know that finishing is just a term of encouragement to start five new ideas instead.)

 

[PumpkinMayCare]

Hey pumpkin pot

Thanks for sharing your story. I think you are right, effectively we beat ourselves up for just being 'us', and being a bit rash/impulsive in our decisions, or having warped decision making that leads to a silly decision we or others will come to regret.

I think the question is, when you get into a pickle, how can you focus on making things better? What is the best practical action you can take (or not take) to move to a better place?

You sound like you have a very practical outlook on your passion (Writing) that you know won't sustain you financially, i.e. to do it but not get your hopes up, and enjoy it as a sideline!

To your second answer: Well, that depends on what the most logical and necessary step is to get out of the bad situation you came into. Or did I misunderstand something? There's not much context I can put your question in, so I'm left confused a bit.

At the moment it surely doesn't cover my bills and like I said, it's unrealistic it's ever gonna do, doesn't mean I won't try, in the realms of my possibilities, though. I've worked very hard to get to where I am now, so I'm not gonna throw it out of the window and take such big risks that I might be faced with the consequences of losing everything. I'll go for a safer option to try to make my dream come true, and we'll see what's gonna happen then. So I definitely have hopes up! Inside I'm like "I'd love to make this dream come true ...!" But who knows! And at the end of the day, even if it does NOT come true, it's not that bad though. Because first and foremost, I just wanna write.

Off-topic. But to me that's the definition of passion. Something you love to do so much, you don't give a hooters about if you get something back for it because you just enjoy the activity. But you enjoy it with all your heart and that's why, although it seems paradoxical, at the same time you'd love to share it with someone else. If that doesn't make sense to you: Well, my priority still is just being able to write. Everything else is not THAT important to me.

 

[enfpe]

Sorry if I came on a bit strong the other day. I've been thinking about this post ever since and I just think hearing ENFP stereotypes used as excuses bugs me, even if it's well-meaning. We do ourselves no favors whatsoever by letting MBTI override things that simply need to be worked on. It may not be 'natural' (and this was the point I was trying to emphasize the other day, though admittedly I could've done a better job) for me to be organized or be slower to make decisions, but after years of putting those things intentionally into practice, I don't even have to try anymore. It just comes down to individuals and how we choose to see the world and ourselves, even if we process information similarly as ENFP.