proteanmix
Plumage and Moult
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 5,514
- Enneagram
- 1w2
Today's been a very busy day for me on the internet; a lot of learning. I had work that I probably should've been doing that I'll have to rush through tomorrow.
There are some topics active on the forum that let's me know a lot about the mentalities of certain forum members. I don't know if I like what I see.
I just cannot conceptualize myself as a unique person. I just don't. I do not think that about myself at all. There is nothing about me that is unique except my DNA and fingerprints. Of course my experiences are unique and only I can look through my eyes. I'm the only me sitting in my chair right now typing this message. But I'm not the only one sitting in a chair right now typing a message. And maybe our messages are eerily similar. I'm just not. That's one of my basic premises. I like that premise.
I think this is good for me because I don't experience the isolation so many forum members seem to experience. I can't relate to that and I don't know if I want to. Maybe that puts me in a less inspired position. I've been isolated and have felt isolated, I've felt loneliness but these are not persistent feelings. I'm always able to find one or two people that I can relate to and that can relate to me. Always. Always. But it is so callous to think, I don't want to identify with you. I don't want to feel what you feel. Even though I know you're hurting, I don't want to ever feel that way. It sort of puts a gulf between you and that person that's difficult to bridge. Some people I look at everyday and although I can see they're hurting people, I don't want to touch them. I feel like they're contagious. And yes I say contaminated because some of them harbor infectious emotional disease. I really admire those who can touch people like this and not be contaminated by them. Cause let's be honest, how many people actually are able to get better? It's like we never want to talk about the fact that a significant number of people never recover, never get better. I was listening to a Johnny Cash song this morning and he has a line from the book of Revelations in one of his songs that says:
I know it's completely out of context, but I sometimes interpret that to me that people won't change. The same you began is the way you will end. I know that's not a very positive message if you had a rotten beginning or were corrupted in some way, but let's be honest here some people aren't good. There is no sweet caramel nougat center or fruit at the bottom.
Which is why I'm so afraid of being contaminated by people.
So I wonder if that has anything to do with my basic principle that I am not a unique person. Since I don't believe I have experienced anything or will experience anything that few people experience, I'll never feel to far away from anyone else. I've seen the effect of isolation on a person in my life. I know for a fact they are experiencing something that very few people will ever face. And I know how horrible they say it is. And seeing that, just makes me think, I'm so glad I'm not you and I hope I never have to deal with what you have. It makes me feel sorry for them (not pity, just sorrowful). And since I've discussed this at length with this person they tell me how its a daily struggle to fight bitterness and anger and to keep from lashing out at people who they know don't deal with the same thing they deal with. And yet while they wish they had someone who could feel exactly what they feel and what they experience, they'd never truly wish to encounter anyone who has experienced what they have. Because it would be too horrible to live with the knowledge that someone else has been dealt with in a similar fashion. So it's like it you wish you had someone who could totally and completely identify with you and yet you don't because what you live is so beyond the bounds of normal that it is a solitary life indeed.
Something my coworkers and I were discussing at lunch today and she said it jokingly, but it was so very accurate. She was at a casual dinner with one of her coworkers and one of them remarked to her "I wish I'd bought that book about big penises!" I don't feel like explaining the context of our conversation, but she was telling us she thought to herself: "Ah! I just got a piece of the real you!" and we all started nodding in agreement when the persona slips and we finally get into who somebody really is. Where there head is at, what they think, how they feel, how the arrive at those thoughts and feelings.
These moments are brief and fleeting when you're with someone you barely know and may not get to know intimately. I don't want to dive down deep into people very often. I actually enjoy the superficiality of most of my relationships. I know I've said this before, but I'm finite. I can't jump into somebody else without have some of them on me. I don't like having people residues on me because I don't know fully what the nature of their residue is. Some people you can't help but get their goo on you because of the nature of the relationship.
There have been times when I've belatedly realized someone has gotten on to me and I wipe myself to get them off but they've stained me. They're very difficult to wipe off and I have to grab my Goo Gone to get them off. Skin is your largest organ and highly absorbent. So many things enter and leave your body through your skin. I'm very carefully about what goes on my skin because I think it can get inside me a change my insides. Sometimes you want some people to get on you. Some people I invite on me. Sometimes I don't even realize they got on my and somebody has to tell me, hey you've got a stain on you. And then I'll look at my jeans and I say, hmm that looks like it was done on purpose. I kinda like that.
So to connect this incoherent mishmash of random thought there are moments, there are key posts I think people make that are like my coworker saying "Ah! I just got the real you!" I just saw what you really think and how you really are.
There are some topics active on the forum that let's me know a lot about the mentalities of certain forum members. I don't know if I like what I see.
I just cannot conceptualize myself as a unique person. I just don't. I do not think that about myself at all. There is nothing about me that is unique except my DNA and fingerprints. Of course my experiences are unique and only I can look through my eyes. I'm the only me sitting in my chair right now typing this message. But I'm not the only one sitting in a chair right now typing a message. And maybe our messages are eerily similar. I'm just not. That's one of my basic premises. I like that premise.
I think this is good for me because I don't experience the isolation so many forum members seem to experience. I can't relate to that and I don't know if I want to. Maybe that puts me in a less inspired position. I've been isolated and have felt isolated, I've felt loneliness but these are not persistent feelings. I'm always able to find one or two people that I can relate to and that can relate to me. Always. Always. But it is so callous to think, I don't want to identify with you. I don't want to feel what you feel. Even though I know you're hurting, I don't want to ever feel that way. It sort of puts a gulf between you and that person that's difficult to bridge. Some people I look at everyday and although I can see they're hurting people, I don't want to touch them. I feel like they're contagious. And yes I say contaminated because some of them harbor infectious emotional disease. I really admire those who can touch people like this and not be contaminated by them. Cause let's be honest, how many people actually are able to get better? It's like we never want to talk about the fact that a significant number of people never recover, never get better. I was listening to a Johnny Cash song this morning and he has a line from the book of Revelations in one of his songs that says:
I know it's completely out of context, but I sometimes interpret that to me that people won't change. The same you began is the way you will end. I know that's not a very positive message if you had a rotten beginning or were corrupted in some way, but let's be honest here some people aren't good. There is no sweet caramel nougat center or fruit at the bottom.
Which is why I'm so afraid of being contaminated by people.
So I wonder if that has anything to do with my basic principle that I am not a unique person. Since I don't believe I have experienced anything or will experience anything that few people experience, I'll never feel to far away from anyone else. I've seen the effect of isolation on a person in my life. I know for a fact they are experiencing something that very few people will ever face. And I know how horrible they say it is. And seeing that, just makes me think, I'm so glad I'm not you and I hope I never have to deal with what you have. It makes me feel sorry for them (not pity, just sorrowful). And since I've discussed this at length with this person they tell me how its a daily struggle to fight bitterness and anger and to keep from lashing out at people who they know don't deal with the same thing they deal with. And yet while they wish they had someone who could feel exactly what they feel and what they experience, they'd never truly wish to encounter anyone who has experienced what they have. Because it would be too horrible to live with the knowledge that someone else has been dealt with in a similar fashion. So it's like it you wish you had someone who could totally and completely identify with you and yet you don't because what you live is so beyond the bounds of normal that it is a solitary life indeed.
Something my coworkers and I were discussing at lunch today and she said it jokingly, but it was so very accurate. She was at a casual dinner with one of her coworkers and one of them remarked to her "I wish I'd bought that book about big penises!" I don't feel like explaining the context of our conversation, but she was telling us she thought to herself: "Ah! I just got a piece of the real you!" and we all started nodding in agreement when the persona slips and we finally get into who somebody really is. Where there head is at, what they think, how they feel, how the arrive at those thoughts and feelings.
These moments are brief and fleeting when you're with someone you barely know and may not get to know intimately. I don't want to dive down deep into people very often. I actually enjoy the superficiality of most of my relationships. I know I've said this before, but I'm finite. I can't jump into somebody else without have some of them on me. I don't like having people residues on me because I don't know fully what the nature of their residue is. Some people you can't help but get their goo on you because of the nature of the relationship.
There have been times when I've belatedly realized someone has gotten on to me and I wipe myself to get them off but they've stained me. They're very difficult to wipe off and I have to grab my Goo Gone to get them off. Skin is your largest organ and highly absorbent. So many things enter and leave your body through your skin. I'm very carefully about what goes on my skin because I think it can get inside me a change my insides. Sometimes you want some people to get on you. Some people I invite on me. Sometimes I don't even realize they got on my and somebody has to tell me, hey you've got a stain on you. And then I'll look at my jeans and I say, hmm that looks like it was done on purpose. I kinda like that.
So to connect this incoherent mishmash of random thought there are moments, there are key posts I think people make that are like my coworker saying "Ah! I just got the real you!" I just saw what you really think and how you really are.
