[MBTI General] Giving thanks

[SearchingforPeace]

I was talking with my wife this morning and she said, "I am grateful that you got the boys' baseball stuff together yesterday so I wouldn't need to look for it this morning."

I would have said, "Thank you for getting together the boys' baseball gear yesterday so I didn't need to look for it today" if the roles had been reversed.

I direct my words at the other person directly rather than reference myself first.

This seems like a Fe/Fi issue, but I would love to see thoughts on the topic.

My wife almost never says the words "Thank you", but she often says "I feel glad/happy/grateful that you did X". I almost always just say "Thank you" because I want to make sure I express my graditude directly towards the person.

How do you thank someone? Is this a Fe/Fi thing, or something else?

 

[/DG/]

In my experience, the vast majority of people say "thank you for X." "I am grateful for X" sounds either overly formal or somewhat archaic to my ears, but I can't put my finger on which. I know the latter is something that would appear more in a thank you card with the addition of the former phrase. I don't think this is type related. It seems more of a speaking style thing that may vary with region and time period, like how people say "pop" vs. "soda."

 

[PeaceBaby]

Saying "I am grateful" expresses an inner state which in many ways seems far more powerful and genuine to me than simply saying, "Thank you". It's opening an inner place of awe, happiness, humbleness and thankfulness all in one word. We learn when young that there is an expectation of saying "Please" and "Thank you" -- therefore (and somewhat unfortunately) those words become representative of perfunctory things we are "supposed" to do. I realize that you (very likely) don't mean something rote when you say "Thank you" as an expression of your gratitude, but to my ears it's ... less reflective and more reflexive, sharing little of what you really feel about it inside, what it actually means to you. To hear someone share they are grateful ... how special that is.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Saying "I am grateful" expresses an inner state which in many ways seems far more powerful and genuine to me than simply saying, "Thank you". It's opening an inner place of awe, happiness, humbleness and thankfulness all in one word. We learn when young that there is an expectation of saying "Please" and "Thank you" -- therefore (and somewhat unfortunately) those words become representative of perfunctory things we are "supposed" to do. I realize that you (very likely) don't mean something rote when you say "Thank you" as an expression of your gratitude, but to my ears it's ... less reflective and more reflexive, sharing little of what you really feel about it inside, what it actually means to you. To hear someone share they are grateful ... how special that is.

Exactly where I was going, but I didn't want to assume

Thanks for sharing that (not rote). It does feel more personal that way, though different.

Though most of the time she just says "I am grateful for X (that I have done)" but leaves off the acknowledgement of anyone else. "I am glad the dishes got washed", as if they washed themselves....

For me, expressing graditude but not actually highlighting the person feels empty. "Thank you all for helping us here tonight" feels much better than "I am grateful that everything went so smoothly tonight" (both of which I have heard people use at events).

I tend to push a lot of emotion to my "Thank you" as I interact with people each day. People often are taken off guard and I feel their warmth and happiness at receiving sincere thanks.

I remember one night years ago, at a dinner party at a friend's home and I expressed my sincere graditude for the good meal. The hostess was taken aback and asked if I meant it. My wife immediately said, "[SfP] only expresses sincere feelings. He never says anything he doesn't sincerely mean. If he says he really liked the meal, he did."

Up to that point, 16 or so years ago, I had not consciously thought about it that way.....

So, the difference between focusing on the inner state and focusing on the social environment seems to be a Fe/Fi thing after all......

Anyway, I am grateful for your input

 

[Coriolis]

I find I use "thank you" more when speaking, and "I am grateful for/I appreciate" more when writing.

At home, I often make a positive assessment of something in lieu of any direct expression of gratitude. For example, I might be eating dinner that my husband prepared, and say "this is really good". I came to notice this because he will often interpret my comment as gratitude, and reply "you're welcome"!

 

[Yama]

I find expressing gratitude to be incredibly awkward and difficult. (To be fair to myself though, I find receiving it just as painfully awkward). Therefore when I do it, I try to be as succinct as possible to get it over with quickly. Which usually means I'll say "thank you" or "it means a lot to me" or something. But just because it's brief doesn't mean I don't mean it... actually getting me to say something like that at all really says a lot on its own actually.

Edit/Addition: I guess for me, I'd rather there just be an exchange of actions than words. Saying thanks and you're welcome or anything along those lines is just awkward to me and makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather there just be mutual appreciative silence as we do something nice for each other. Do me a favor, and I'll be grateful, and I'll totally do one for you in return. That's how I show my thanks. But saying that kind of thing is just sooo hard for me because ugh it makes me turn all red. And I hate it even more when people thank me. Like, you don't need to say anything, just be happy and then help me out next time I need it.

 

[ceecee]

I find I use "thank you" more when speaking, and "I am grateful for/I appreciate" more when writing.

At home, I often make a positive assessment of something in lieu of any direct expression of gratitude. For example, I might be eating dinner that my husband prepared, and say "this is really good". I came to notice this because he will often interpret my comment as gratitude, and reply "you're welcome"!

Yes. My husband built me one of those long boxes to put on the table for centerpieces that are really fashionable, after I was complaining how much they cost. I didn't actually want one, I was just surprised how much they cost. I ended up using it all the time - it lends itself to many decorating ideas. I told him - I didn't really want the box at first but I'm glad you built it and forced me to use it because I love it. He laughed, he knows if I say something like that, it's honest and thankful. He also interprets comments like - "this is great" or "this looks awesome!" as gratitude and says "you're welcome".

 

[geedoenfj]

My INFP sister has created a substitute personality who say or do things that she finds difficulty saying or doing it herself, she's sort of talking about herself passively, and I often talk to her through that personality, she would say something like "INFP thanks you.." Rather than "thank you for .." I can see it's kind of difficult for her to thank me or praise me directly..
I don't have any problem with thanking people or praising them at all, nevertheless I cannot pretend to be thankful to someone or praising them if I don't sincerely feel it..

 

[miss fortune]

I always say thank you... I was raised to say it that way and it seems to go over with others well enough (and it's fewer syllables as well, so efficient!)

I thank people for shit all of the fucking time too, because I'm all nice and polite like that