Exhausted

[Liason]

I'm tired. I'm so tired of everything lately. I'm tired of existing. I'm tired of blame. I'm tired of my friends, my family. I'm tired of living.

I'm tired of waking up to pain, be it emotional or physical. I'm tired of waking up to yelling, be it aimed at myself or another. I'm tired of going to sleep and waking up four hours later. I'm tired of waking up.

I'm tired of being here, on this plane of existence. I'm tired of being forced to share the same planet as the billions bent on destroying it. I'm tired of the wars that ensue in the place I must co-exist at with people who are causing them. I'm tired of useless and meaningless loss of life.

I'm tired of animal cruelty. I'm tired of human neglect, homicide. I'm tired of physical abuse. I'm tired of seeing it. I'm tired of mental/emotional abuse. I'm tired of witnessing too late.

I'm tired of seeing someone at fault that puts blame upon another. I'm tired of being blamed for things I haven't done. I'm tired of being blamed for things I have done. I'm tired of being told why it is my fault. I'm tired of being lectured and witnessing lectures on blame.

I'm tired of people asking me if I'm alright. I'm tired of having to say yes. I'm tired of having to lie. I'm tired of having to care about people so much that I keep them at a distance. I'm tired of their concerned looks. I'm tired of their pity. I'm tired of their frustration. I'm tired of their sheer ignorance.

I'm tired of being told that everything will work out. I'm tired of people that can't change anything giving me bad advice. I'm tired of interaction with words. I'm tired of having to look people I loathe with every fiber of my being in the eye and lie. I'm tired of telling them that I love them when I don't. I'm tired of being near people I hate.

I'm tired of wanting to be near those I love and having that feeling seemingly forever unfulfilled. I'm tired of telling them I love them, but never being able to embrace them. I'm tired of wanting those I can't have. I'm tired of seeing text I can never respond to truthfully, even on the anonymity of the net.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of waking up cynical and depressed, and changing to optimistic by midday. I'm tired of going to bed utterly shattered. I'm tired of waking up afterward if only to repeat the cycle.

I'm tired of being an example of most of the things people shouldn't have to know. I'm tired of being the person that knows more about everything in my classes that has to do with life. I'm tired of wanting to die from that knowledge. I'm tired of being told knowledge is power. I'm tired of the education system. I'm tired of being graded on how well I study, instead of how well I think. I'm tired of being able to recognize that this is what the education system is.

I'm tired of wishing I were someone else. I'm tired of hating every minute that I do. I'm tired of hating my life and my work. I'm tired of loving myself. I'm tired of being arrogant. I'm tired of being told I'm inferior or superior. I'm tired of being told different things by different people and realizing I'm different with everyone I know because my persona is broken.

I'm tired of being and feeling broken. I'm tired of feeling like the misplaced toy on the rack from the birthday of a teen a decade ago. I'm tired of never being looked at in the way I want.

I'm tired of remembering being choked by someone I trusted, and keeping it secret. I'm tired of remembering telling my mother, and her face of disgust and dismissal at me when I did. I'm tired of her pulling my hair and shoving me onto the floor. I'm tired of her anger over trivialities that make me human. I'm tired of being told what I shouldn't do and should do, when both coincide with the other.

I'm tired of remembering depression, and talking to people who say they are depressed when they are sad. I'm tired of remembering as I woke up day after day with no purpose. I'm so tired of everything lately. I am exhausted.