[MBTI General] ESTJ and INFP Relationship?

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

Romantically speaking.


Your thoughts?

 

[briochick]

I think it *could* work. I think that if it did work it would be one of those things everyone else talked about because they were jealous. I also think that if not done right or not done with the right person it could be a brilliant disaster. I personally haven't yet met an estj I could stand yet, or better yet one who could stand me but that is personal experience and I don't think it's fair to pit a few experiences against millions of people and then generalize. I'm sure there are some ESTJs who are not jerks out there. ;-)

 

[Nonsensical]

It could work at the surface level. It depends on what level of relationship you want. Social, healthy, spiritual, it all depends. I won't be absolute, but I think it pretty rare that an ESTJ and INFP would be able to form a spiritual, or deep relationship. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work..at all, sorry to say. If you wanted a simple relationship that was very rich and deep, then yes.

 

[Jeremy]

I think it could potentially be one of the most rewarding relationships, merely because of the fact that ESTJs and INFPs are very different, but at the same time, have the potential to be very similar to and learn from each other. INFPs have a lot to learn about the practical side of themselves that they relegate to the third and fourth functions, and ESTJs have a lot to learn about the quiet and reflective INFP types that they tend to push aside. Both would have to be very mature, of course, in order to avoid meaningless conflict over simple issues, but if those could be overcome, it could potentially be one of the most deep and rewarding relationships out there for both parties involved.

I know I learn a lot from my ESTJ friendships, because of the fact that we are so different. We view the world through a different lens, but at the same time, we are able to get over that and have a great friendship despite it. I don't really have any petty conflict with any of my friends that identify as ESTJ.

 

[Laurie]

INFJ and ESTJ maybe. INFP? Eh?

 

[Jeremy]

INFJ and ESTJ maybe. INFP? Eh?

I think any type combination can work. Just because you have a different code doesn't mean you can't have a deep or committed relationship, and it's not even a reasonable barometer for success. At the very most, it can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship better, but the MBTI is definitely is not a way to determine the chances of it working out. You're much better off getting to know someone intimately, because the MBTI only measures the face they present to the outer world - it's not the whole of the person. The personality underneath the code is what truly makes a relationship work - which is probably how I'm such good friends with people who, according to the MBTI, should be natural conflict magnets for me.

In conclusion,
ESTJ + INFP = <3

 

[Udog]

If it's an ESTJ male with an INFP female, it's actually one of the most successful and common opposite pairings available. ESTJ female and INFP male will run into gender role issues, which can be exacerbated by the female being SJ.

If you're interested in a more detailed response, give me a nudge on Monday and I'll type one up.

 

[wildflower4823]

Ah! Speaking as someone who has been in and out of a relationship with an ESTJ for the past few years, I want to say that it is a truly beautiful, incredible thing when it works. And when it doesn't work, it's ugly, very ugly. Of course I can't speak for everyone, but this has been the case for me (an INFP female w/ an ESTJ male)

Where does conflict arise?
The ESTJ says what he means and means what he says, and expects others to do the same. The INFP has so many things going on in their head and they find it very difficult to express themselves. The INFP is always looking for what's "underneath" what is said. The ESTJ in turn does not understand the INFP does NOT always say what they mean and can take things at dangerously at face value.

But my gosh, when it works it's beautiful and passionate and intense and yes, people are jealous. There is so much to learn between opposite types and both people are often stretched and taken out of their comfort zones and the growth and love is obvious to everyone. There's never a dull moment.

UDog I'd be very interested in what you have to say about this!!

 

[lecky]

Oh, I was in a relationship with an ESTJ once and it was horrible. He has a very strong J and was very critical of my P'ness, this just crushed my poor INFP feelings. We also never had anything to talk about and our relationship was just based on sexual attraction. Knowing all this I was still devastated when it ended...he moved on pretty quick too!

I think they are better off as friends...but then again he was a really young ESTJ, who knows what he's like now.

 

[entropie]

estj and infj, yes.

infp I dont understand

 

[PeaceBaby]

I've been married, and happily, to an ESTJ for 20 years.



Trying to predict marital success on type pairings alone is akin to finding a mate by getting your horoscope read. You really need to explore each person and relationship in an individual way.

You asked about romance - I must tell you my ESTJ is not the most conventionally romantic guy in the world. What he is - he is a great dad, is totally dedicated to his family, does the laundry, the dishes after dinner, and helps me pretty much with anything I ask. Those are the ways he shows his love and I have to admit, I prefer that!

And ... sex is of the H & H variety; no complaints from me there!

 

[tibby]

estj and infj, yes.

infp I dont understand

...estj and infj... explain...please...

 

[Moiety]

Trying to predict marital success on type pairings alone is akin to finding a mate by getting your horoscope read.

Word.

 

[Unique]

INFJ and ESTJ maybe. INFP? Eh?

Agreed

 

[BlackCat]

I've been married, and happily, to an ESTJ for 20 years.

You've been married for longer than I've been alive. I'm sure people would want more details, since it's a very doubted relationship and lots of people have had awful experiences.

 

[Qre:us]

My parents are this pair: INFP (mom)/ ESTJ (dad)

I sometimes do tell them, if you had a do-over, and really knew each other's personalities, you both should run, run the other way!

But, because, for better or worse, they are stuck with each other, they've made efforts to really get to know (and practice patience and compromise with) one another.

I must say, in the relationship, dunno if it's because she's the female, but, my mom is the one with the upper hand. It's an interesting dynamic to watch. My dad is over-protective and very micro-managing with house stuff/daily living chores (and actually does a heck of a lot more for my mom than I believe is needed...she should learn self-sufficiency in some ways, work ratio wise, my dad is proportionally wayyy more than my mom). And, a main reason for this is, as bad as it may be, my dad has this anal habit of checking up on a work, and with my mom, there's no guarantee that it will be done with meticulous care (like my dad), so he just ends up doing it himself.

He went to visit some fam, and will be away on vacation for a month. He made sure all non-perishable grocery was stocked up, all bills paid in advance. Told my neighbours and god knows how many more friends, to check up if my mom needs anything (who's shy to ask others for help). He carefully wrote out, and taped all important emergency numbers to my mom's bedroom mirror (so she won't lose a piece of paper - which is very likely).

My mom, in the relationship, is the sage people-advisor. When they as a couple have conflict, issue with outsiders, while my dad may bulldoze and see no reason to be 'polite'/diplomatic....my mom smoothes it out. She also helps him when he gets into his panic-modes because *something* didn't go according to his plan.

One cute thing watching them is the dynamics of my dad and mom and her emotions. It's hilarious to see my dad look like a fish outta water, when my mom throws a line like, "Half an hour late!!! It's a party, who cares if we're this late? You always need to find a flaw in everything. I must make this job soooo easy for you. {listing her perceived flaws for like 10 minutes}"

My dad : Well, I was just saying....we're gonna be late. Um...I'll be outside, whenever you're ready.
(runs away)

I think it's the SJ in him, that can't not help out someone who looks like they're in need of help. Which for my mom, as an INFP in this world/society, may be quite often. There's a vulnerability, naivete to my mom that's hard to ignore for healthy ESTJ like my dad.

But, my mom has one wistful thinking (one thing she complains about my dad) - that man has no depth and imagination! She loves connecting through N, which my dad can do, but, only if it's playful, funny (Me, ENTP and my dad's tertiary, engage in Ne+ thinking function randomness), while my mom needs her N to be more deep, value-based, spiritual and sober (Fi+Ne)....which he can't really give her (and truth be told, he finds a bit boring).

 

[PeaceBaby]

Note to all: Qre:us is not my child. LOL!

Your post is interesting. I would agree with a slice of the dynamic you mention above for your mom & dad. I am the people advisor; my hubby is the micro-manager.

But myself, I have always been a very self-sufficient person. I work F/T, run my own business as well, take care of our family finances, and could hardly be called shy (even if I feel shy sometimes ).

But ... I push the envelope for myself continually, even if I feel uncomfortable. And it's nice to know my hubby is always there with a hug, he's my rock.

And so, each relationship is different, and BlackCat, I'll elaborate a bit more on my post later too.

 

[Qre:us]

Note to all: Qre:us is not my child. LOL!

MOMMMY, dearest !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But myself, I have always been a very self-sufficient person. I work F/T, run my own business as well, take care of our family finances, and could hardly be called shy (even if I feel shy sometimes ).

But ... I push the envelope for myself continually, even if I feel uncomfortable. And it's nice to know my hubby is always there with a hug, he's my rock.

Very true, I've seen so many different manifestations of ENTPs, that's so different than myself. I think the key difference is the bolded. My mom, love her, and her cute ways...but NAH. If it's uncomfortable, she will ignore and avoid, which, she's now later realizing as she watches her ENTP kid who thrives on limits and pushing them, that she missed out on much of personal growth because of her lack of facing the 'uncomfortable' situations in life. I think it's because she had a lot of negative things happen in life, which, whether wanting to or not, she couldn't have avoided. That, for those things, that are uncomfortable AND avoidable, she rather tuck into her shell.

She is not shy with her fam.. and tells us exactly what she thinks - my dad and me. But, like my dad complains, 'the person who's supposed to be hearing it (e.g., a friend), why don't you ever tell HER? Rather than complain to us? Or, worse, take that bad mood out on us because YOU chose not to say anything!'

* my mom, for all her extreme P-ness, is slyly (hidden) self-sufficient. You wouldn't know it, esp. as she doesn't bother much with the nitty-gritty of household finances, but, she has a few accounts for herself (and apparently in my name too), that's she's been managing for quite some time, and investing with. Total shock when I found that out.

 

[Udog]

Thanks Peacebaby and Qre:us, I really enjoyed your posts. You pretty much explained everything using your real life experience that I would have had to explain in theoretical terms.

It's a good fit because the ESTJ plays the anchor and keeps the INFP grounded. The INFP is then free to not fret about boring real world tasks and can focus on the world inside their heads, knowing they are safe and their ESTJ partner will make sure they don't go too far. Likewise, the INFP relieves some of the burden an ESTJ puts on themselves and can offer refreshing perspective. If they have similar values, they can unite to make some pretty awesome long term plans, as well.

However, it's much better when the ESTJ is male and INFP female, as the ESTJ can justify his actions by being the man of the house. An ESTJ female will try to push the INFP male into a more stereotypically masculine role, which is likely going to cause friction and lead to resentment on both ends.

I was going to make a note about connecting through humor and randomness via Ne. Some ESTJs can be extremely silly and quick witted, and it's one area where they can bond.

On the other hand, the INFP will often crave for more depth, even as the chemistry and real world aspects of the relationship thrive. INFPs get into the mindset that it's almost perfect, if only we could connect more deeply... not realizing that the lack of deeper connection is the price that must be paid for the other wonderful aspects of the relationship.

 

[PeaceBaby]

The INFP is then free to not fret about boring real world tasks and can focus on the world inside their heads, knowing they are safe and their ESTJ partner will make sure they don't go too far.

BUT, sometimes the ESTJ must feel comfortable letting go of having everything planned out. Sometimes the best decisions are the gut hunches.

If they have similar values, they can unite to make some pretty awesome long term plans, as well.

This is nice; I was going to follow up on blackcat's request by posting something to this effect. The SJ feels a strong sense of duty; the NF, a strong sense of mission. When these align, the forces working together can accomplish much.

Raising kids is a great example. My ESTJ feels a strong sense of duty to raise our family with positive values, and to provide a standard of living that allows our kids to participate in sports, the arts etc. Me, I feel strongly that it is our mission to raise loving, independent children that have the same positive values and grow to be well-rounded individuals with strengths in team-building, caring for others, appreciating the arts etc.

You see how these mesh together so well?

I was going to make a note about connecting through humor and randomness via Ne. Some ESTJs can be extremely silly and quick witted, and it's one area where they can bond.

My hubs is so funny, I genuinely laugh at his humour every day. He says the irreverent things I think but don't say and he's so good at providing dry, witty commentary. He thinks I'm cute.

On the other hand, the INFP will often crave for more depth, even as the chemistry and real world aspects of the relationship thrive. INFPs get into the mindset that it's almost perfect, if only we could connect more deeply... not realizing that the lack of deeper connection is the price that must be paid for the other wonderful aspects of the relationship.

Chemistry ... ahh yes, there are great sparks between us, even after 20 years ... And the rest of the para is well said Udog - but I don't see the lack of deeper connection as a price to be paid. I am simply grateful for the great relationship we have.

And hey, it wouldn't be fair to make everything seem glossy and perfect - we can certainly annoy each other from time to time. But I wouldn't trade him in! He's my hunny!

Love ... can't wait til he gets home.