ENTJ or ENFJ?? is crying okay?

[geedoenfj]

Crying is always ok, for all types of people

 

[StrawberryBoots]

Thinkers, don't you hold it in until the dam breaks. It's embarrassing.

 

[violet_crown]

No it is not okay. I went almost 15 yrs without crying or showing any expression at all.

I remember when I was little my Dad would get drunk and scream until he couldn't speak anymore. I would just stand there and stare at him with zero expression on my face. It was great.

I think I did that for too long though and some wires were crossed, or maybe melted. Because now I do cry over stupid shit and I HATE myself for it.

The thing is, it isn't genuine. I do not feel sad.
I feel nothing-unless irritation counts as a feeling. For ex it happens mostly when if I'm watching a movie that is pulling the obligatory "Sad end". Now, I don't like 98% of all movies.
I will being rolling my eyes thinking " OMG this is so fucking stupid! and cliche!" And then I feel the corner of my eye get a little wet. I can only imagine my brain is saying " This is the appropriate response right,? This is what hu-mans do?"

If your best friend said this is the way they lived, would you feel it was good enough for them?

 

[Virtual ghost]

I think we scared her away.

 

[redink]

I think we scared her away.

like hell you did.

New Years week is the busiest week of my life, I get like 3 hours a sleep the whole time. Im Russian and its a huge holiday, probably the biggest one there is, and I have A LOT of responsibilities that week with party planning and creating an video of the past year. You would not believe the insaness. And going back to work has been chaotic, so much things to be done! Finally things have been settling down a little bit today, but this week is still overload for me. I will reply to everything I swear, possibly in a couple hours. I get a little too excited reading everyones replies, and didnt want to reply until I had time to sit down and actually think about them.

You guys have, on the contrary, drove me to obsess over this forum. Can't wait to get back into it after this week is over!

 

[redink]

Oh no.

I was just messing around. I've been entertaining myself with elaborate, made up procedurals for ENTJs for a few years now. It's not meant to be taken seriously at all.

As for your question, everyone deals with pain and sadness. Expressing that doesn't diminish who you are. Being true to what your feeling is more important than some made up label. ENTJs tend to have more complicated relationships with their emotional lives because inferior Fi often makes it hard for us to identify and own what we're actually feeling. Our own emotions, particularly if they're very strong or don't line up with what we think we should be doing, can feel like they don't belong to us.

It's the tradeoff of our preference for impartial, objective decision making. We do our best to set aside our personal point of view to figure out what is an optimal solution. The downside is that it's not always easy to turn that off, even in situations where we need to do so. It can result in us feeling guilt, shame or just very out of control when we express ourselves. When I was younger, talking about my feelings literally made me feel like I was going to die, or something horrible would happen. It never entirely goes away, but I'm more aware now that particular feeling is just my own insecurities and not necessarily based in reality.


As for your typing, ENTJ is probably accurate as what you're concerned about is not the kind of thing that most other people even think about lol. You should consider enneagram 3 or be an social dominant in terms of your instinctual variant.

Either way, you're doing fine. Don't stress. Will put in good word for you at next meeting.




Honestly should have just tagged you in that post. That was literally just for youuuu.

Definitely appreciate you putting in that good word, looks like I'm gonna need it.

The only emotions I hate about myself are the desperate or pathetic ones, i.e. crying or screaming uncontrollably at someone or being depressed because I failed hugely or disappointed someone. I write, so I get a good read on my emotions and why I feel the way I do, but I tend to dismiss the reason if its not what I like, it that makes sense. Call it denial or positive thinking, whatever works, lol. I have a problem getting my anger under control sometimes and that leads to raging tears and hate. Those are the emotions I cant figure out or feel like I can control...

In regards to type 3, I have never really looked into enneagrams until now, but it would seem I also identify with that one. I do realize that I need others approval in order to feel good about myself sometimes, and I hate that about me. That is the number one I would change if I could. I feel like it cripples the rest of my life because the need for acceptance or approval makes me erase a part of myself and become a character that the person I want to impress would like/admire. I see it as a huge problem and I fight with it almost every time I notice it. I am very highly praised at my job, and all the jobs I have worked at, but I don't feel like I am myself in any workplace environment. I know I have a loud demeanor and it would seem hostile or rude at first impression, so I act submissive and almost shy at my jobs and I despise it. with a passion. I dont want to get into anyone's way and I dont want to sound too bossy so I stay quite even when there is a storm running through my mind. but I guess I am so afraid of being disregarded or misjudged so I become the person I think that that employer would like.

I feel if I accepted myself 100% and allowed myself to be who I am, without overthinking about how it might look to onlookers or offend an individual, my life would be much more happier and I would definitely be more confident. I just have no idea how to get past it.

I think it comes from growing up in a very conservative home/church environment where woman had to be very submissive and quiet, and even though I am not that way in my regular day to day actions, when I want to be seen as "good" I turn on that switch, mostly only in a workplace.

 

[entropie]

No, when an EJ cries, he immediatly turns infp !

 

[violet_crown]

Definitely appreciate you putting in that good word, looks like I'm gonna need it.

The only emotions I hate about myself are the desperate or pathetic ones, i.e. crying or screaming uncontrollably at someone or being depressed because I failed hugely or disappointed someone. I write, so I get a good read on my emotions and why I feel the way I do, but I tend to dismiss the reason if its not what I like, it that makes sense. Call it denial or positive thinking, whatever works, lol. I have a problem getting my anger under control sometimes and that leads to raging tears and hate. Those are the emotions I cant figure out or feel like I can control...

In regards to type 3, I have never really looked into enneagrams until now, but it would seem I also identify with that one. I do realize that I need others approval in order to feel good about myself sometimes, and I hate that about me. That is the number one I would change if I could. I feel like it cripples the rest of my life because the need for acceptance or approval makes me erase a part of myself and become a character that the person I want to impress would like/admire. I see it as a huge problem and I fight with it almost every time I notice it. I am very highly praised at my job, and all the jobs I have worked at, but I don't feel like I am myself in any workplace environment. I know I have a loud demeanor and it would seem hostile or rude at first impression, so I act submissive and almost shy at my jobs and I despise it. with a passion. I dont want to get into anyone's way and I dont want to sound too bossy so I stay quite even when there is a storm running through my mind. but I guess I am so afraid of being disregarded or misjudged so I become the person I think that that employer would like.

I feel if I accepted myself 100% and allowed myself to be who I am, without overthinking about how it might look to onlookers or offend an individual, my life would be much more happier and I would definitely be more confident. I just have no idea how to get past it.

I think it comes from growing up in a very conservative home/church environment where woman had to be very submissive and quiet, and even though I am not that way in my regular day to day actions, when I want to be seen as "good" I turn on that switch, mostly only in a workplace.

A lot of this sounds familiar, particularly the bolded. In my case, when I was younger it was sort of an all or nothing thing to aggression. Either I was 100% "in it" and wanted exactly what I wanted as I wanted it, or I just disengaged and tried to play nice to make sure I didn't alienate myself.

In reality, it's not a black and white thing like that. There are a million little moments where people reach out to you or provide a space for you to come in, and knowing how to discern those moments as an ENTJ takes time and a lot of practice, but are crucial to your ability to be effective.

Getting there requires emotional awareness, starting with yourself. The first step is to be able to know how you're feeling and try to have a regular way to recognize where you are emotionally. So let's say you're working on a project with a few people. At first, everything seems to be going well, you have a lot of energy and ideas, but maybe one of your teammates is making contributions you KNOW are not helpful. Initially, you might have the energy to be diplomatic and connect with them, but as the project wears on and your overall level of stress increases, your patience for the situation is going to wear down, and you might end up snapping in a way that's inappropriate. Emotional self-awareness is what's going to let you know where it's time to maybe step away from things for a minute, go for a walk and come back so that you can remain calm and continue to handle things in the right way. Practically, that can be something as simple as when you feel yourself getting to that point where you just want to lay into the other person, you take a breath, feel that anger and realize you have the option to do nothing. Just because something feels urgent doesn't mean it is.

As you become more aware of your own emotions, it becomes much easier to recognize what others are feeling, too. You'll pick up on emotional cues and dynamics going on around you that might have missed if you're just hard driving for the goal. These are the things that can really make a difference, because if you understand what other people are feeling and know how to respond to it appropriately, others will be more likely to trust and connect with you. Which...you know, ultimately makes it easier for you to get what you want. If it's nothing else than, if and when you do decide to pound the dumbass who's fucking up your project into the ground, people will give you the benefit of the doubt that the piece of shit had it coming, etc.

I mean, all this touchy feely shit is a means to an end. It's sucks and will always seem kind of frivolous, but it's the way that most people live, so you have to do it. That doesn't mean that you have to stop being who you are, or that there's anything wrong with you. We're intense, creative and we get shit done. You don't have to apologize for that. But you do have to navigate the rules. Mastering self-awareness is a significant part of that.

I'd also recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is like a book I'm convinced a nice ENFJ man wrote to teach baffled T's how to human.

 

[Ninneli]

I'm ENTJ and I don't cry often. But when I do, I do it for very good reason. I never cry example in touching movies, when seeing my child playing in school play or when somebody lost somebody. My cry's comes when I feel very hurted by people I love, or having a very ruff time or when my stress releases. Sometimes I even know I should have cry to make me feel better, but it won't come. I do easily cry, if I have to say goodbye to someone permanently or someone close dies. I'm also a very good on hiding cry. Example in my children's school plays I'm showing my happy side and after getting home I cry alone for all the cuteness and warm emotions I felt. And to the funny point, when I was a child, I cried a lot. People remember me crying all the time.

But when people say an INTP's are the coldest type, I don't sign that. I was in a La La Land movie with an INTP male and in the end of movie the man said "I got a little sensitive in the end". I got surprised he said that because I didn't. My son is also an INTP and I know he is cold to others, but very likable at school by his sense of sarcastic humor and empathy. INTP's are very very sensitive on my view and needs to handle carefully. They just don't know how to name different feelings. Seems any kind of feeling become one mess in their head and they can't separate them in individual parts. The one big emotional storm stoles all thoughts.