[ENFP] ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

[stringstheory]

I have been studying Satine's post, along with the other helpful ones. I have learned so much from this thread in such a short period of time, I should have come here earlier. I feel like by not doing so, I was not being the best boyfriend I could be I've just been mentally preoccupied I guess and neglected both of our emotions in the relationship, which I will never do again. That's the good thing about many INTJs We don't really repeat mistakes once we figure out why we made them and why they were wrong, plus we are fast learners. I now fully understand that there is absolutely no objectivity when it comes to feeling. I feel foolish about trying to convince myself otherwise. I seriously hope my gf doesn't think I was trying to belittle her feelings. She has every right to have them, and they are just as valid as my logic. I surely hope that they can withstand the abuse that I put them through, and am content with either result because I lit the match on the fire. I hope she can trust me not only the same, but even more in the future and let her emotional guard down. I want to be able to do anything I can to take her inner sadness away. I hope she can put away all of the smiles and expose herself to me once again because I want to help her with all of her problems, either directly or indirectly by helping her grow. I feel emotionally confused right now :-/

Now that you feel like you understand her side of things a little more, use your strengths to come up with a solution. You INTJs are great problem solvers I know how instability can throw you off so instead of lingering in that emotional confusion, try investing that energy into coming up with ways for you guys to get back on track. I don't know how much you guys talk right now, but when she is ready have a talk find out what steps you can take to make things right (and of course express your side of things as well).

If she wants to talk, be prepared for her to either have to get back to you or to not be as articulate as you'd hoped. You said her Te is developing, so that's good, I just know this is usually the case with me. I need to spend a lot of time alone with my Te to make my Fi more concrete, if that makes sense. If that's the case just think of us as a big puzzle that's just waiting to be solved

I think you were being the best boyfriend you could be considering what you were going through. Remember, you weren't in the best state of mind, and you still got here anyway. Your posts make it clear you want to make this relationship work. Wouldn't you say you're doing your best? I think if you guys get through rough patch, your girlfriend would be able to say so.

I wish you luck

 

[Lady_X]

yeah that fi processing is like thinking in shades of color you've not necessarily heard the names of before so you have to think on it...te it up so you can verbalize it to someone else.

or...it feels something like that to me.

 

[Ratsimoan]

This parent/child relationship between male ITJs and ENFPs chicks is getting sicker and sicker by the day. ENFP chicks are either naive or sick themselves to consistently fall for all this hidden condescendence.

I can't believe my own personality type would say something so mean about their own personality mate. You can't make a generalization about all enfp females because one enfp female is dating one intj male.

 

[Lady_X]

it was kinda mean yep. :/

 

[Metamorphosis]

I can't believe my own personality type would say something so mean about their own personality mate. You can't make a generalization about all enfp females because one enfp female is dating one intj male.

Some people don't realize that it is a two way street.

If it wasn't, the combo wouldn't be so strong.

 

[Ratsimoan]

it was kinda mean yep. :/

Thank you I thought I was alone

 

[Ratsimoan]

Some people don't realize that it is a two way street.

If it wasn't, the combo wouldn't be so strong.

Yes

 

[Moiety]

I can't believe my own personality type would say something so mean about their own personality mate. You can't make a generalization about all enfp females because one enfp female is dating one intj male.

Grow a fucking pair. Mean??

And I wasn't making a generalization based on this episode, but based on several examples I've read on this very forum for months (years almost) now.

I'm not saying every ENFP chick is like this, but it's a pattern I've noticed. And I have no allegiance with my own type when it's something I don't like. And I don't like it because I see the ENFPs suffering a lot of the time. Although the ITJs suffer too of course depending on the case.

Don't try to demonize me Ratsimoan. Take it objectively from someone who is also an ENFP. If ENFPs don't strive to point out other ENFP's weaknesses then there is NO ONE who can get the ENFP to hear them. Because we all know how ENFPs take criticism...

Guess my logic fails though, because ENFPs don't like to hear it from me either. But obviously I'm a dick, so my comments can be shrugged off real easy.

 

[Thalassa]

Take it objectively from someone who is also an ENFP. If ENFPs don't strive to point out other ENFP's weaknesses then there is NO ONE who can get the ENFP to hear them. Because we all know how ENFPs take criticism...

Guess my logic fails though, because ENFPs don't like to hear it from me either. But obviously I'm a dick, so my comments can be shrugged off real easy.

This thread totally backs up the point you're making here, too.

 

[stringstheory]

But obviously I'm a dick, so my comments can be shrugged off real easy.

Well, they do say you attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar

 

[Lady_X]

everybody suffers...regardless of the types of the people in the relationship. saying it's sick or that she naive because she becomes involved with someone and has issues? everyone has issues...i just don't think it's a type thing.

 

[Rebe]

it's a dumb assumption. intjs may have natural command because of their Te, but enfps also have a command, and that is over Fi matters (and all the shades in-between and outside of these two functions). everyone has strengths and weaknesses, some are more apparent to outsiders and can be observed in a few paragraphs written over the internet, some strengths are less obvious but still important to a relationship and to the workings of the world.

 

[Ratsimoan]

Grow a fucking pair. Mean?? For someone who doesn't want me to demonize them. Why say something like that

And I wasn't making a generalization based on this episode, but based on several examples I've read on this very forum for months (years almost) now.

I'm not saying every ENFP chick is like this, but it's a pattern I've noticed. And I have no allegiance with my own type when it's something I don't like. And I don't like it because I see the ENFPs suffering a lot of the time. Although the ITJs suffer too of course depending on the case.

Don't try to demonize me Ratsimoan. Take it objectively from someone who is also an ENFP. If ENFPs don't strive to point out other ENFP's weaknesses then there is NO ONE who can get the ENFP to hear them. Because we all know how ENFPs take criticism...

Guess my logic fails though, because ENFPs don't like to hear it from me either. But obviously I'm a dick, so my comments can be shrugged off real easy.

Anyway, I'm tired. Nor do I feel like arguing because it's stupid. I wouldn't say you're a dick, except for the

Grow a fucking pair. Mean??

pair. You're right your comments will slide off my back not because I can't handle criticism but I don't think you're saying anything I need to hear. I know you have good intention but the way offer criticism is very harsh- like a sharp knife entering into the heart.

 

[alcea rosea]

My conclusions on the OP:

• 
  You really hurt her feelings (Fi) even if you didn't mean to. (The fact that you didn't mean to doesn't make it any less "bad".)

• She lost the trust to you and about 2 of you, but maybe for only a short period of time.

• She wants you to really prove (maybe in your terms: overdue) that she is special and that you regret what you said. Show it.

The other option is that you hurt her too bad (in her point of view) and it's over but as an ENFP I would say she wouldn't let go so "easily" (but i'm not her so I wouldn't know for sure). It might be that it takes more time for her to get over your words than for you to get over her words. Remember, ENFP's don't certainly think or act like INTJ's and maybe you are expecting her to react to the situation as you would react to it.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Crap, I need to stop repeating myself!

LOL! I've had this thought myself when rereading some of my posts on this forum.

Saltine, what you wrote was really quite good. And the positive response of so many ENFPs on this thread supports my evaluation.

So let me add my voice to the chorus. Fecal, until you "get" what Saltine wrote, you will not "get" your ENFP girlfriend.

And, in general, an ENFP will not knit their souls with someone they don't believe "gets" them.

 

[fecaleagle]

LOL! I've had this thought myself when rereading some of my posts on this forum.

Saltine, what you wrote was really quite good. And the positive response of so many ENFPs on this thread supports my evaluation.

So let me add my voice to the chorus. Fecal, until you "get" what Saltine wrote, you will not "get" your ENFP girlfriend.

And, in general, an ENFP will not knit their souls with someone they don't believe "gets" them.

Interesting. Out of curiosity, do you really think that just because I didn't "get" that aspect of how she would react to something, that it's safe to say that I don't "get" her? That seems harsh because our connection is so strong and so deep, but of course not as deep as it can be. It's kind of like saying that she doesn't "get" me because she is taking my words so personally. I think that overall she "gets" me, and that I "get" her, but that we have so much left to learn about our intricacies. Does that mean we shouldn't knit our souls? I'm just trying to learn. Satine's post was eye opening for sure, and I feel like I understand my gf much better now, but I don't feel like I "get" her more because I view that as more of a broad area. From some of these posts, it seems like ENFPs can be really harsh, critical, and mistrustful on the inside, despite what they show on the surface to the ones they trust most Am I just misunderstanding?

You really hurt her feelings (Fi) even if you didn't mean to. (The fact that you didn't mean to doesn't make it any less "bad".

It doesn't make it ANY less bad? I mean it was a terrible thing to do and her reaction is justified, but does my intent mean nothing at all?

 

[Emectar]

Speaking as an Enfp who has been hurt by the sometimes unexpected harshness of an NT,

i think what happened is you crushed her pride. In her mind she has to have you at the same level she was when you 'broke up' with her.

i think now would be a good time to completely abandon your pride for the sake of such a wonderful girl and wonderful relationship.

 

[fecaleagle]

i think what happened is you crushed her pride. In her mind she has to have you at the same level she was when you 'broke up' with her.

Isn't that vindictiveness? She would be purposely trying to hurt me as an act of justice, which is very similar to what I did to cause this mess. I have finally set aside my pride and written her a thoughtful letter, so hopefully she sets aside hers, if what you say is true

 

[Tallulah]

Interesting. Out of curiosity, do you really think that just because I didn't "get" that aspect of how she would react to something, that it's safe to say that I don't "get" her? That seems harsh because our connection is so strong and so deep, but of course not as deep as it can be. It's kind of like saying that she doesn't "get" me because she is taking my words so personally. I think that overall she "gets" me, and that I "get" her, but that we have so much left to learn about our intricacies. Does that mean we shouldn't knit our souls? I'm just trying to learn. Satine's post was eye opening for sure, and I feel like I understand my gf much better now, but I don't feel like I "get" her more because I view that as more of a broad area. From some of these posts, it seems like ENFPs can be really harsh, critical, and mistrustful on the inside, despite what they show on the surface to the ones they trust most Am I just misunderstanding?

The main problem is that you're still not fully acknowledging the emotional devastation that your words and actions had on her (or would on most humans, anyway). To use an analogy, it's like people who cheat and then come back to their SOs saying, "but it didn't mean anything and it was just about the sex. K? Good. Let's move on."

Your words might not have meant much to you, but they did to her. Because they were harsh words. So your intent doesn't count for a whole lot, because the devastation is the same. You have to prove to her that you "get" THAT, and that in the future you will make an honest and sincere effort to not react in a way that you don't mean that is hurtful to her. Furthermore, you've acknowledged that your intent wasn't that great to begin with, because you wanted to hurt her in that brief moment. Indicative of your overall relationship? Maybe not. Hurtful and mean? Absolutely. Take ownership. FULL ownership. Don't come to her with "I'm sorry, but you have to understand where I was coming from, because I had just had a bad day and INTJs think this way and blahblahblah." Just apologize. And then promise you will do better. And then make an effort to do better. YOU are the one that stepped in it here.

Perhaps later when things have calmed down, the two of you can discuss the difference in natural communication styles. But she still has the right not to be bombarded with hurtful words or actions that you don't mean, just because you had a bad day.

 

[Tallulah]

Isn't that vindictiveness? She would be purposely trying to hurt me as an act of justice, which is very similar to what I did to cause this mess. I have finally set aside my pride and written her a thoughtful letter, so hopefully she sets aside hers, if what you say is true

OH EM GEE THIS IS NOT A CONTEST. Stop playing tit for tat. You will not win. You may win the argument, but lose the girl.

You might want to see the thread about when being logical doesn't make much sense. This is one of those times.