[ENFJ] ENFJ: Permanent Separations and Deep Distress

[Charmed Justice]

I've been having a hard time.

There's a man I've known for 15 years now. An ESTP. He was one of my foremen. We got off to a very rocky start which I won't go into, but once the smoke cleared, he was a big supporter of me and gave me chances when everyone else was slamming doors in my face. He was ultra-intelligent and was always frittering with things, impossible things, like a perpetual motion machine. He was cranky and funny and difficult and helpful.

He'd race me to class. He'd invite/allow me to sit on his lectures even when I was no longer under his jurisdiction. He'd provoke me on purpose when he was in a mood and get a big sick smile when I growled at him.

Once, when I was having a really bad day, I was walking past the garage and he called me in. We talked briefly, and as I was leaving, still feeling lost, he called after me, "You're .... different. You do know that?" That changed the entire tenor of the day for me, like being like everyone else wasn't important. I knew he truly cared about me. I needed to hear it.

I had a dream about him. That he was in the hospital. A few days later, my mother told me that he was dying. I fought tears and marched away. After agonizing over it, I broke down and wrote him a letter, telling him what he meant to me. I hope it made a difference. I don't know.

I don't let go of people very well. I'm having a hard time with the connecting threads snapping left and right.

I know we're all passengers in time, but it wears on me brutally sometimes.

You aren't alone in how you feel.

Between the ages of 18-24, I lost a child, my grandfather, my closest aunt and uncle, and three good friends(all in car accidents). I'm still recovering. But their deaths made me appreciate every single important person in my life in a way that I never did before. There was a short period of time in my life when I would just move on and away from people, even if we had been extremely close. I had no real rhyme or reason, except for the very act of moving on and away. I figured I'd see the people again I guess. Then people started dropping like flies around me, and I gained an entirely new perspective(and a pretty good dose of hypochondria and paranoia).

My heart goes out to you. It's so difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone who can literally make our entire day, or week, or even give us the feeling that there is reason to live, wont be in our lives ever again in the near future.

I began to journal about my family and friends that had died a couple of years after the last death. I wrote out letters to myself about how much I cared about them, but the most helpful letters for me were the ones I wrote concerning how each individual had literally changed the course of my life. I live each day now realizing that when we love someone or care deeply for them, they become a part of who we are and who we will always be. In that way, they never really leave.

 

[Tikka]

*raises hand*

This ENFJ cannot let go of people who have meant a lot to him as well.

 

[Domino]

I want to thank you all for your kind words and your insights. I'm grateful for your common experiences -- all types-- and that you shared them with me. I gained a measure of courage from them and have internalized all your pain and profound motions for silent consideration. Being human is a difficult business and I feel better able to cope when I hear not just echoes returning to my call, but other voices.

Thank you, everyone.

Please feel free to continue. I've benefited from this.

 

[Shadow1969]

My best friend in the entire world died in her sleep two weeks ago. She was only 29. I also had a very dear friend/ex-mentor betray me. I felt I had no choice but to let go of her.

Before these two loses, I have always been fortunate enough to always "keep" my loved one's in some capacity. It's horribly hard to let go. Regarding my friend, I struggle daily. Regarding the death of my best friend, I just think that I am living for two now and try to live my life the best way I know how. I understand your pain though. *Hugs*

 

[Domino]

Dear me. What a terrible loss, Shadow. And a fresh one too. I'm so sorry your friend died and so young.

 

[INTJMom]

My best friend in the entire world died in her sleep two weeks ago. She was only 29. I also had a very dear friend/ex-mentor betray me. I felt I had no choice but to let go of her.

Before these two loses, I have always been fortunate enough to always "keep" my loved one's in some capacity. It's horribly hard to let go. Regarding my friend, I struggle daily. Regarding the death of my best friend, I just think that I am living for two now and try to live my life the best way I know how. I understand your pain though. *Hugs*