[ENFJ] ENFJ: Permanent Separations and Deep Distress

[Domino]

I've been having a hard time.

There's a man I've known for 15 years now. An ESTP. He was one of my foremen. We got off to a very rocky start which I won't go into, but once the smoke cleared, he was a big supporter of me and gave me chances when everyone else was slamming doors in my face. He was ultra-intelligent and was always frittering with things, impossible things, like a perpetual motion machine. He was cranky and funny and difficult and helpful.

He'd race me to class. He'd invite/allow me to sit on his lectures even when I was no longer under his jurisdiction. He'd provoke me on purpose when he was in a mood and get a big sick smile when I growled at him.

Once, when I was having a really bad day, I was walking past the garage and he called me in. We talked briefly, and as I was leaving, still feeling lost, he called after me, "You're .... different. You do know that?" That changed the entire tenor of the day for me, like being like everyone else wasn't important. I knew he truly cared about me. I needed to hear it.

I had a dream about him. That he was in the hospital. A few days later, my mother told me that he was dying. I fought tears and marched away. After agonizing over it, I broke down and wrote him a letter, telling him what he meant to me. I hope it made a difference. I don't know.

I don't let go of people very well. I'm having a hard time with the connecting threads snapping left and right.

I know we're all passengers in time, but it wears on me brutally sometimes.

 

[Little Linguist]

x 100000

I know how you feel. Almost everyone close to me has either died or left. It's hard.

But I'm sure you made just as much of a difference to him as he did to you. You're a wonderful woman, and I'm sure you brought him a great deal of comfort.

 

[Domino]

Thank you, LL. *lays head on you* I've been confronted with important people I've lost so much in the last month that it's really breaking my heart. It feels like something deep down being ripped up out of me.

I still cry over my horse and he's been dead almost 7 years. I cry like it was yesterday. I feel his loss like it's never going to stop. That sort of unanswerable grief. I can't get loose from it. Time sloshes back and forth and I feel the loss over and over.

Tell me about your loss.

 

[Little Linguist]

I've had several. I don't want to burden you with it, unless you think it would help you.

 

[Domino]

Do tell me.

 

[INTJMom]

Hey Pink... I'm so sorry.
You know my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. We were married 26 1/2 years and were together for 2 years before that. Not only was he the man of my dreams, but he was my best friend, too. I still wish it was all a bad dream. I don't want him to be gone! Physically, I'm still reeling from the shock... my appetite isn't normal... my digestive system isn't working right. My memory is shot. Then there's the emotional pain.

It's good that you wrote the letter. It's always nice to have a chance to say goodbye.

 

[Little Linguist]

Well to make a long story short

- parents
- grandfather
- granduncle
- grandaunt
- lots of broken hearts
- cousin
- aunt who disowned me
- mother's side of the family
- friends who don't keep in touch

Yeah.

 

[Domino]

LL - That sort of horrible ripping and tearing... how do you manage? Where do you find the bravery to stand up or eat or speak? Once people are rooted into my heart, they aren't meant to come back out. Not without a catastrophic bloody hole.

I have no idea how you cope, Mom.

 

[Little Linguist]

It wasn't easy. I have had my demons. After a while, though, you learn that you either rip yourself to shreds or you move on.

After a painful struggle, I decided to move on, but it wasn't easy, trust me. I could write books, and I've cried bathtubs of tears in the healing process.

Makes you into a stronger person though.

 

[INTJMom]

...
I have no idea how you cope, Mom.

If I didn't have my kids depending on me, I probably wouldn't be coping. I guess I keep going for them.

Reading your stories is just heart-wrenching. I guess Ts and Fs probably process grief a bit differently. Since my husband died, I never know when or where I am going to just burst into tears. I guess that's cause I'm usually out of touch with my feelings, but as soon as I start thinking about him... I don't mind crying though. It's healing and cleansing. If I didn't cry, I'd probably die from the stress.

 

[Domino]

Being in the hospital and almost losing my twin sister at the same time I was losing my own life has done something horrible to me that I can't explain.

 

[Domino]

It wasn't easy. I have had my demons. After a while, though, you learn that you either rip yourself to shreds or you move on.

After a painful struggle, I decided to move on, but it wasn't easy, trust me. I could write books, and I've cried bathtubs of tears in the healing process.

How do you make the shredding stop? I don't know how... these people are stitched onto me and when they die, it's like being thrown into the hole with them. Or wanting irrationally and desperately to dig them back up.

Makes you into a stronger person though.

I don't know about you, but I think we've had *enough* character building experiences.

If I didn't have my kids depending on me, I probably wouldn't be coping. I guess I keep going for them.

Reading your stories is just heart-wrenching. I guess Ts and Fs probably process grief a bit differently. Since my husband died, I never know when or where I am going to just burst into tears. I guess that's cause I'm usually out of touch with my feelings, but as soon as I start thinking about him... I don't mind crying though. It's healing and cleansing. If I didn't cry, I'd probably die from the stress.

Just reading your words makes me feel a sort of awful hollowness that can never be filled. You have no idea how my heart broke for you when you lost your husband. I felt helpless to speak because grief that deep has no language or voice, just a deep trembling.

You'll see him again.

 

[Sniffles]

How do you make the shredding stop? I don't know how... these people are stitched onto me and when they die, it's like being thrown into the hole with them. Or wanting irrationally and desperately to dig them back up.

Speaking from my experiences, I can only say you can't force a broken heart to heal. You have to be patient and take things one day at a time.

 

[Domino]

I have this lifelong kneejerk antipathy to endings, as if I had some inhuman control over them. Automatic impulse tells me to plunge my arms in the Styx and start yanking people back out when I know I can't. I CAN'T. I tell myself that it doesn't exist within my mortal capacity, but it doesn't stop the miserable hand-wringing and circling and standing on the edge looking in, or the anger. If you're branded into my psyche, I don't let go.

 

[INTJMom]

...
Just reading your words makes me feel a sort of awful hollowness that can never be filled. You have no idea how my heart broke for you when you lost your husband. I felt helpless to speak because grief that deep has no language or voice, just a deep trembling.

You'll see him again.

Thank you for your empathy... and for validating my feelings. You're right. There are no words... Frankly all that makes me feel better is when people just hold me and let me cry. That's all that helps.

I still have to keep on going... keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I feel so ALONE. I hate it! I know I have friends and family, but they have their lives and I feel like my life is all on my shoulders now... and my kids' lives too.

We're probably going to be okay, but I face fear every single day. There's not a day that I'm not terrified of the future.

But thank you for caring. Knowing that people care about me does make me feel better.

 

[Clonester]

Wow, some very painful stories in this thread, situations that I don't envy for a second and safe to say no one else does either.

 

[The Third Rider]

Yeah losing a loved one can take a toll on you. I too have lost those closest to me and sometimes the best thing to do is not to hold your feelings back. I always try to remember the good times and tell myself that they are only gone momentarily because I will see them again but not yet. I would go talk to him or at least give him a call I am sure he would appreciate it a lot. Wounds like these never really heal but at the same time, do we really want them to heal? Would we become heartless if those wounds healed and we stopped caring for those we lost?

 

[Little Linguist]

I've posted something else related to this in my blog, if you're interested.

 

[g_vartan]

I don't know if its just me, or if its ENFJ related but I NEVER really let go those whom I loved/love.

For example, I lost my sister; and even though its been more than 10 years, I think of her daily. And once in awhile, when my memories of her come rushing back to me, I vividly re-experience all the feelings of lost, bittersweet emotions....its hard to explain. It seems that I like to wallow in my emotions....as if the pain somehow reconnects me back to them....

I don't think I ever move on....just learn how to cope / pick-up the pieces.

*hugs pink*

(btw, my INTP called me a 'piranha'....and I thought of you )

 

[poppy]

Loosing a good friend and someone you admire is one of those things...I can't even express how terrible it is, but I've been there.