[ENFJ] ENFJ in relationships

[marmandahalf]

What does an ENFJ want/need in a romantic relationship? What do they look for in a partner?

 

[maliafee]

My ENFJ ex claimed he didn't want relationships but hopelessly pined after the girls he loved. It was like he couldn't help himself -- he fell in love and then that person sucked him in, he HAD to connect with them and be with them.

He felt he found his cosmic soulmate every time he fell in love.

He wanted someone emotional, deep, intelligent, confident, perceptive, beautiful, interesting and stylish. Often what he got was not what he initially thought, and this would upset him greatly (causing him to become extremely critical and emotionally manipulative in trying to mold his love back to his failed ideal).

 

[chris1207]

^ exactly the first few months are really exciting and then I find out that they aren't everything I ever wanted them to be and I end it. I think that ENFJ's just want to be close to people and know them on a level that no one else does and we're really good at getting there. Then when we see that someone isn't ideal or that they have their own closet-monsters we back off and find ourselves wanting to not be so personal. Unfortunately, once we do this there's really no going back. Other types become very attached and can't bear the scrutiny after letting us so deep. Then break-up and never talking ever again.

As far as what I look for initially, I prefer my women to not be overly confrontational or rude. I'm inviting her into my world and if she fucks with it there'll be problems. Other than that we just kind of feel our way around. How does this girl make me feel? Are she like a cold beer at the end of a hard day? If so, then chances are that this'll probably work.

Basically, I think we gotta find a partner that will distract us with other amazing things about their lives so that we don't take the relationships too seriously or want to go too fast.

 

[kendoiwan]

Are they always fearful and clingy?

 

[A Schnitzel]

Are they always fearful and clingy?

Pretty much.

 

[chris1207]

Are they always fearful and clingy?

Fearful yes, clingy no. As stated above I cut ties when I pick up that my woman is somehow suboptimal. (To put it in NT terms)

 

[SpottingTrains]

I'm going to agree with Chris, though I will say the part about 'closet-monsters' I am not too sure about. I would like to think that I am willing to accept both the good parts and the bad parts of a person.

 

[Domino]

Pretty much.

You think that about us? Really?



I seek what everyone else seeks - the prime connection. The effortless click into place.

 

[maliafee]

My ENFJ ex was not clingy. He was fearful SOMETIMES. He really had/has tons to offer and was very loving, but I could see when I disappointed him and that's what ultimately destroyed our relationship, in my opinion. Because I never try to change people, and I don't think he could help himself trying to change me (which is kind of offensive to me at a deeper level, being ISFP). I was way too Sensory for him; I didn't provide the N depth he craved. I think he had a great relationship with an INFP though... because they had that cosmic connection. Her problem was getting crumbs in the bed and weird little things like that which bugged the crap out of him.

Ultimately, he's still searching, which to me is sad, because he deserves someone amazing. When we broke up he proposed marriage (after avoiding serious commitment for four years together before that), but it was too late. I do hope someday he can find someone and learn to accept flaws in a partner, because we all have them.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

He wanted someone emotional, deep, intelligent, confident, perceptive, beautiful, interesting and stylish.

This describes my ENFJ ex's requirements for a partner as well. He wasn't very bossy, but a bit critical. He also wanted to know the person inside and out, and become "one" with them. I wouldn't say he was clingy (although I'm also NFJ, so take that as you will), until the end. It was a great relationship. Very intense

 

[SpottingTrains]

I think as ENFJs we don't explicitly want to change who a person is but more along the lines of enhancing the ability we already see inside of them. To some people this can be seen as one and the same but there is a subtle difference in my eyes.

Seeing the transformation of a person as they grow from a better understanding of whatever interests they may have is a very rewarding experience. When a person doesn't want to attain a greater sense of themselves or a certain idea I would feel almost as if they were pushing me away. Rejecting the idea of improving themselves for the complacency of keeping the status quo or whatever reasons they may have.

I crave the intimacy of knowing that we are both searching for something more and won't be satisfied with complacency.

 

[maliafee]

I think as ENFJs we don't explicitly want to change who a person is but more along the lines of enhancing the ability we already see inside of them. To some people this can be seen as one and the same but there is a subtle difference in my eyes.

Seeing the transformation of a person as they grow from a better understanding of whatever interests they may have is a very rewarding experience. When a person doesn't want to attain a greater sense of themselves or a certain idea I would feel almost as if they were pushing me away. Rejecting the idea of improving themselves for the complacency of keeping the status quo or whatever reasons they may have.

I crave the intimacy of knowing that we are both searching for something more and won't be satisfied with complacency.

This is very eye-opening for me, as a person who has an ENFJ big brother, an ENFJ auntie, and an ENFJ ex of four years.

I always resisted being changed. I hate being criticized, and I hate people scrutinizing my behavior. It is very difficult for me to take. So when these people try to unlock my potential (if that's indeed what's going on), instead of feeling inspired, I feel incredibly shut down. Why not accept me as I am??? What's wrong with the status quo? Some types are less interested in self development -- at least, they don't want to share it with anyone else. Some types just want to go at their own pace and feel accepted for who they are as they are now. They will develop themselves on their own, on their own time. This is why I think ENFJs should be with other NFs ideally. Because they they can take that journey together, and hopefully it'll be a positive one.

Truthfully, for me, when people want to help me in this way, I think, "Who are you to give me advice? Aren't you just as flawed? And yet, I accept you. Why can't you accept me??" Of course, I don't express this unless pressed hard to do so.

My ENFJ ex would ask me how I felt. I would sometimes answer, "I don't know," because I didn't always know. I could see the disappointment in his eyes, and he'd begin the criticism. "How can you not know?" he'd ask, stressed and irritated (or so I thought).

I feel bad for him in that situation now, trying to inspire a stubborn little ISFP who had zero desire for his help in changing/growing in the way he thought I should.

I really appreciate hearing the motivation behind it, though. Fascinating, and also it softens my opinion on the behavior. It's not that ENFJs are cruelly NOT accepting me, it's that they really want to help. Who would've known? ;->

 

[SpottingTrains]

I am glad to be of help

Truthfully, for me, when people want to help me in this way, I think, "Who are you to give me advice? Aren't you just as flawed? And yet, I accept you. Why can't you accept me??" Of course, I don't express this unless pressed hard to do so.

Personally, I realize that I am flawed- everyone is. This won't stop me from trying to help someone though. Imagine if no one accepted advice from others just because they had a flaw I guess this sounds pretty preachy so I will stop there with the addendum that maybe being around so many ENFJs that are attempting to 'improve' you that you may feel a bit overwhelmed by them haha.

 

[ceecee]

Are they always fearful and clingy?

No. Normal concerns and some worry at times but nothing out of the ordinary. Never fearful.

I think as ENFJs we don't explicitly want to change who a person is but more along the lines of enhancing the ability we already see inside of them. To some people this can be seen as one and the same but there is a subtle difference in my eyes.

Seeing the transformation of a person as they grow from a better understanding of whatever interests they may have is a very rewarding experience. When a person doesn't want to attain a greater sense of themselves or a certain idea I would feel almost as if they were pushing me away. Rejecting the idea of improving themselves for the complacency of keeping the status quo or whatever reasons they may have.

I crave the intimacy of knowing that we are both searching for something more and won't be satisfied with complacency.

Yes. They absolutely want to improve and motivate. I would suspect this goes badly in unhealthy ENFJ's. This could also appear as manipulative, pushy and selfish but it's not. The want the best. From themselves and those they love.

 

[A Schnitzel]

You think that about us? Really?

That's where the fearful part comes in.

No. Not really.
I've had some issues with ENFJs, but that's never been part of them.

 

[Tallulah]

That was a very insightful post, malia. I'm all about self-improvement, but if someone wants me to improve in the ways that are important only to THEM, but to me are nitpicky, I balk. Because it is like they're trying to fix the things that are wrong with me. I always feel like I'm going to be with someone because I can accept the good with the bad--why are you with me if you can't accept my un-ideal traits? I don't want to feel like I'm living with Oprah. Don't "inspire" me unless I've asked you to.

In other news, it looks like I've happened upon a type that might be more picky than I am.

 

[Domino]

Dear heavens. I can't stand Oprah. I'd rather roll in tree pollen.


I've been a bit confused by the tenor of this thread. The OP was someone asking what we look for in a relationship, and it turned into a lot of negatives from those who aren't ENFJs.

And Schnitzel, I had no idea you felt so strongly in a negative way about ENFJs. I find that a bit surprising.

I'm not "fearful" or "clingy", and I calmly but deeply resent the implication. That's not a TYPE thing, that's a personal problem. I'd really appreciate it if it didn't get attached to us just because a few bad ones have apparently run rough shod over a bunch of you.

Furthermore, on the subject of the original post, I want to feel profoundly connected to and understood by my partner, just as I want to be connected to and understand them. I thrive on the idea of evolution, of sharing ideas, and being personal.

 

[SpottingTrains]

:Makes an extremely obtuse sound of a volcano erupting :

 

[Poki]

Furthermore, on the subject of the original post, I want to feel profoundly connected to and understood by my partner, just as I want to be connected to and understand them. I thrive on the idea of evolution, of sharing ideas, and being personal.

This is a verbal connection, they want you to tell them what you want, they need to know where they stand, they need a plan to keep there Fe busy and focused. They like appreciation for helping you reach that plan, there needs come last for them so they need someone whos plan includes them in it, this helps them keep them focused on themselves as well as the other person. With ENFJs its the thought that counts. Thats why they like being bought or given things, little things at random times, because it means you thought about them. Could be just coming home with a soda they like.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Just going off of the few ENFJ male friends I have (who I love to death ), they don't seem fearful or clingy. They definitely want something deep with someone (god, I hate the word "deep" though, haha). Both of them are the type to not sleep with a woman unless they feel some spiritual or emotional connection (their own admission). They want it ALL in a relationship, but I think this is very much an NF feeling. I certainly relate...

Occasionally they get in irrational moods where they think they will always be alone or whatever. As for clingy, I've never gotten that; I see them as very loyal, and maintaining relationships is a huge priority. I notice their ambitions in life have far less to do with a career (or whatever) than their personal relationships.

Anyway, I see them as very nurturing types. They need to feel needed maybe. It doesn't mean they are dissatisfied with who you are, because they wouldn't bother if you weren't worth it, but they want to see you fulfill your potential. NFs tend to think everyone & everything could be better, because our ideals are very high. It's not critical though....it's just a motivation in life. I've never had an ENFJ push me or nitpick me, but when I set a goal they'll be the ones to say "you can do it!" instead of acting like you're unrealistic.

I think ENFJs go well with INxPs because of that, because we need that encouragement to pursue our idealistic visions. The ENFJs are like little cheerleaders