Emotions

[greenfairy]

I'm feeling emotional. That is, sad in a complex way. It's about one of two issues which are the only things that ever make me sad. Which tells me the emotional response comes from a psychological issue I need to figure out. And I really don't know how to deal with it, so maybe writing all this out and perhaps getting feedback will help.

I feel lonely. Maybe that's it, and all it is. Maybe there doesn't need to be a more complicated explanation. But I'm feeling lonely because a guy I'm sleeping with didn't want to have me over tonight and isn't trying to work out any kind of consistent schedule for it. I feel rejected. Saturdays has been our routine, but when I asked about making it an official routine he says he and his roommate usually go to bars on Saturday nights (not to pick up girls probably, because he says he wants to be single). So he'd rather go to bars than have sex with me? Why? I feel unwanted, like I'm not special to him. I want to be special to someone. I miss having a boyfriend. When I had one I was never lonely.

So back to the emotions. I can't figure out what exactly it is I'm emotional about, and what exactly it is that I want and why. I know I want a boyfriend. I want to be loved. I also know I feel incomplete without a partner, so maybe I need to work on my self esteem. What exactly do I want from him as opposed to someone in general? I don't know. Am I upset about just being lonely, sexual frustration, psychological consequences of sexual frustration, wanting to be close to him, or feeling incomplete? I can't answer these questions. And if I don't figure it out I'm just going to keep getting upset every time I want someone and he's not available, which is not good.

I just feel unloved when I don't have someone to have sex with. And conversely, I feel ecstatic when I do, and nothing bothers me. I don't feel in love with the person I'm with, just close to them and completely right with the universe. Maybe I feel more attached to the person than I'm aware of. But if the sexual connection decreases or I get distracted with someone else, the emotion leaves too.

Is it possible to love 3 people? If any of the three people I'm periodically sexual with were available right now I'd be happy, even though I'd probably still be upset that I can't be with him more often.

I don't know the true source of the emotion, I don't know how to fix the problem without just alleviating the symptoms, and I don't know all the emotions I'm feeling. I just know sadness and loneliness. I envy people whose emotions are simple, who understand them. I'm taking advice and letting it all out, feeling it, accepting it, processing it. But I can't help thinking there's more that needs to happen. It's like my emotions and their sources are always partly hidden from me. I never 100% see them. It's just this physical feeling that makes me want to cry, which pops up with certain triggers. And I have to figure it out like a psychologist.

Is this at all common to INFJ's? Or is it evidence (as I thought before) of Feeling being an inferior function? I certainly feel like Fi is a shadow function. If it were prominent in my psyche I'm pretty sure I'd understand my feelings better and have a better grasp on them. I'd know what I want and be able to identify all the emotions I'm feeling. I could paint a picture of them. If I tried to paint a picture right now it would be pretty uncreative.

And now that I've analyzed things I feel a little better. Trying to come to some conclusion about things always does. Analyzing my type makes me feel better because my mind is doing something.

 

[JAVO]

It all sounds typical of you humans.

My guess is that your friend wants to go to the bar instead of being with you because being with you has become a routine, and he probably doesn't like routine. Mix things up a bit. Relationships are often and endless game of switching roles between the pursuer and the pursued. Time for him to become the pursuer.