greenfairy
philosopher wood nymph
- Joined
- May 25, 2012
- Messages
- 4,024
- MBTI Type
- iNfj
- Enneagram
- 6w5
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
Well, it turns out I was overreacting, as I thought. His and my phones don't like each other, and we often don't receive each other's texts. He thought I was ignoring him. It was as someone suggested, that he just didn't want a set schedule for certain things. He didn't actually want to see me less often. So I'm not upset about that anymore, but it's useful to know the erroneous assumptions I tend to make out of social paranoia. This almost looks like inferior Ni, attributing meaning that isn't there; but I'm certain I'm not Se dom. Nor does it look like any inferior but Fe, unless I'm missing something important.
Emotions part 2:
Blah. This has been a rather emotional day. I started out sleepy, after work last night. I got enough sleep today, but it wasn't really as much as I would have liked. I think my intuition picks up on the energy of what's going on around me in different ways, some of which are physical symptoms and dreams. I've been having a string of significant seeming dreams for the last week or so. And I think my tiredness today was because of coven disharmony.
I've been having problems with this one member for awhile (the unhealthy ENFJ), and she has asked for release from the coven. It's a good thing, because she's really not a healthy or sane person to be around. (It wasn't just me apparently.) It's ultimately a positive thing, because (appropriately for Imbolc) we're cleansing our lives of negativity, and we've learned some valuable lessons in our interaction with her (the hard way).
But it's still a hard thing for me. I'm not sad- at least if I am I don't feel it. I'm angry. But mostly I'm just tough feeling. I have a lot of emotion I know is under the surface which I don't want to face. I'm glad to get away from an unhealthy situation, and I'm angry at her for treating me the way she did for so long, and that makes me know this is the right thing to do, and so I don't feel any emotion which would encourage any sort of attachment to her. At least I won't let myself, because my anger values my well being too much. So once again I don't know the depth or extent of my emotions- I just feel like hot steel toward it, with some sharp bits ready to respond to any attacks. I am Titanium.
I know I should release the emotion and properly deal with it, but I don't want to get overwhelmed, and I've had enough of it for awhile and just want it to go away. So I've been distracting myself with researching something I got to thinking about which randomly came up in a conversation, which was a terrible thing and just made me feel worse because I have terrible images in my mind to go along with the dark mess of energy in my solar plexus area. So now I want another distraction. Writing about my emotions and analyzing them makes me once again feel more empowered. Blah. I want the horrible drama of humanity to leave my mind. I'm afraid I'll just cry if I face it- but maybe I need to.
Another member left too, so we did the releasing ceremony for both of them plus another member who left a long time ago. It made me unexpectedly emotional. And by that I mean more tired plus the dark mass of ugly energy in my solar plexus, plus angry. That's how the collection of sad emotions plus a bunch of others feels to me- they don't really feel like emotions, just ugly pollution. And so to cleanse myself I have to go through a complicated process, which varies but usually involves trying to identify what they are and what the source is, which is hard. And if I can't do it I just have to give up and try to distract myself with something good feeling. And then I feel like I'm running away and not solving the problem, but I also don't feel competent enough to solve it.
Well, I have to go to sleep, and I don't want to feeling this way because I don't want more weird and vaguely disturbing dreams; so here I go to face my dark ugly emotions. Blah.
Edit: Update:
Ok. After distracting myself with procrastination, I listened to a bunch of music and thought about typology a bit, engaged in some imaginary scenarios which involved me and another imaginary INTP comparing our inferior Fe's and me expressing mine (and hugging him), did some exercises and yoga moves, and then felt good enough to face things. So while listening to a couple of pretty songs which make me happy I sat in a meditation pose and looked inward and felt. I noticed my physical feelings and let them bring words into my consciousness. I noticed one of them was associated with sadness and my aversion to it. So I admitted yeah, I was sad about the whole thing, because we had a good relationship. But we can still have a good relationship- just in the past and in a different way, and from a distance in the realm of universal consciousness. I can release it with love. I am not losing her, because we are all connected, and I do know it. That relieved a big knot in my self. But I still had another small one. That one came with reputation. So I told myself my reputation is not at stake, and I am in charge of creating it and I can do it at any time. I can figure things out for myself, about how it is appropriate to act. Then the last little knot came with conflict. Conflict can always be resolved, and is an opportunity for resolution, which is the process of living. I release it all to the universe to work out as it should, and I release it all to the Goddess to transform into something positive. (That's my cleansing mantra. Then I mentally cleanse my energy.) So I'm ok now. That wasn't so bad. I'm going to be very tired tomorrow because I waited so long, but whatever. It is what it is. I'm looking forward to dance practice. It'll make me feel good, and energized.
Emotions part 2:
Blah. This has been a rather emotional day. I started out sleepy, after work last night. I got enough sleep today, but it wasn't really as much as I would have liked. I think my intuition picks up on the energy of what's going on around me in different ways, some of which are physical symptoms and dreams. I've been having a string of significant seeming dreams for the last week or so. And I think my tiredness today was because of coven disharmony.
I've been having problems with this one member for awhile (the unhealthy ENFJ), and she has asked for release from the coven. It's a good thing, because she's really not a healthy or sane person to be around. (It wasn't just me apparently.) It's ultimately a positive thing, because (appropriately for Imbolc) we're cleansing our lives of negativity, and we've learned some valuable lessons in our interaction with her (the hard way).
But it's still a hard thing for me. I'm not sad- at least if I am I don't feel it. I'm angry. But mostly I'm just tough feeling. I have a lot of emotion I know is under the surface which I don't want to face. I'm glad to get away from an unhealthy situation, and I'm angry at her for treating me the way she did for so long, and that makes me know this is the right thing to do, and so I don't feel any emotion which would encourage any sort of attachment to her. At least I won't let myself, because my anger values my well being too much. So once again I don't know the depth or extent of my emotions- I just feel like hot steel toward it, with some sharp bits ready to respond to any attacks. I am Titanium.
I know I should release the emotion and properly deal with it, but I don't want to get overwhelmed, and I've had enough of it for awhile and just want it to go away. So I've been distracting myself with researching something I got to thinking about which randomly came up in a conversation, which was a terrible thing and just made me feel worse because I have terrible images in my mind to go along with the dark mess of energy in my solar plexus area. So now I want another distraction. Writing about my emotions and analyzing them makes me once again feel more empowered. Blah. I want the horrible drama of humanity to leave my mind. I'm afraid I'll just cry if I face it- but maybe I need to.
Another member left too, so we did the releasing ceremony for both of them plus another member who left a long time ago. It made me unexpectedly emotional. And by that I mean more tired plus the dark mass of ugly energy in my solar plexus, plus angry. That's how the collection of sad emotions plus a bunch of others feels to me- they don't really feel like emotions, just ugly pollution. And so to cleanse myself I have to go through a complicated process, which varies but usually involves trying to identify what they are and what the source is, which is hard. And if I can't do it I just have to give up and try to distract myself with something good feeling. And then I feel like I'm running away and not solving the problem, but I also don't feel competent enough to solve it.
Well, I have to go to sleep, and I don't want to feeling this way because I don't want more weird and vaguely disturbing dreams; so here I go to face my dark ugly emotions. Blah.
Edit: Update:
Ok. After distracting myself with procrastination, I listened to a bunch of music and thought about typology a bit, engaged in some imaginary scenarios which involved me and another imaginary INTP comparing our inferior Fe's and me expressing mine (and hugging him), did some exercises and yoga moves, and then felt good enough to face things. So while listening to a couple of pretty songs which make me happy I sat in a meditation pose and looked inward and felt. I noticed my physical feelings and let them bring words into my consciousness. I noticed one of them was associated with sadness and my aversion to it. So I admitted yeah, I was sad about the whole thing, because we had a good relationship. But we can still have a good relationship- just in the past and in a different way, and from a distance in the realm of universal consciousness. I can release it with love. I am not losing her, because we are all connected, and I do know it. That relieved a big knot in my self. But I still had another small one. That one came with reputation. So I told myself my reputation is not at stake, and I am in charge of creating it and I can do it at any time. I can figure things out for myself, about how it is appropriate to act. Then the last little knot came with conflict. Conflict can always be resolved, and is an opportunity for resolution, which is the process of living. I release it all to the universe to work out as it should, and I release it all to the Goddess to transform into something positive. (That's my cleansing mantra. Then I mentally cleanse my energy.) So I'm ok now. That wasn't so bad. I'm going to be very tired tomorrow because I waited so long, but whatever. It is what it is. I'm looking forward to dance practice. It'll make me feel good, and energized.
