dreading my job

[INTJMom]

I have never dreaded a job... until now. And I don't know why. I mean I work in an office by myself... but my boss is coming back in a week. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's going to be overwhelming and chaotic. I'm afraid of feeling incompetent and inadequate. I'm afraid of her overwhelming me with tons more tasks when I still have so many unfinished ones. Of course, I really don't know what's going to happen. I'm afraid of the unknown. I mean, she trained me for 8 weeks and then left me for 10 weeks. I think I've done pretty well. So since I've only actually worked with her for 8 weeks... and that was really chaotic... I don't have a lot to base my fears on. But since when are fears rational?

My startle reflex was super sensitive on Friday. And at times when I've been getting alone, I've been starting to cry without knowing why. I must be suppressing something... but what... I don't know.

I'm thankful for my job. I make good money for someone without a degree. It's less than 2 miles away. The hours are flexible.

My boss really likes me. Before she left, she said some really sweet, encouraging things to me. I try not to think about my boss coming back, but the time keeps getting closer and closer. I only have one more week by myself before all hell breaks loose again and the frantic whirlwind shows up.

Ah. So there's my problem. Not too much I can do about that. Except pray. And ask God to help me through... like He has been doing every other step of the way... in all the other times when I got to the office and felt overwhelmed... and didn't know what to do next... or where to start.... or feeling like I was supposed to try to do 5 things at once... like all the other times when I got down on my knees to ask for help cause I felt so totally filled with anxiety... and He answered me... so I guess I'll be okay... if I just do that... and get a good night's sleep.

 

[DigitalMethod]

A good friend of mine once told me that when I am feeling bad and I don't know why it's very helpful to write out all that you are worried about and all that you are thankful for. It does help. Maybe trying that?

Other than that, I can relate.
I hate it when you get the feeling something is being placed on your shoulders unjustly. Even worse is when you know that all of those things are coming at a certain date and you have no clue of the magnitude of the responsibilities.

Hope you do okay.

 

[INTJMom]

Ha ha... that's what I tell people, too!

Actually, that's why I wrote that entry.

I think what you said "no clue of the magnitude of the responsibilities" has a lot to do with what I'm feeling. It's fear of the unknown. But not only that... I'm afraid that she's gonna have me going 100 miles an hour when she gets back, and I don't WANT to go 100 miles an hour!

You wouldn't believe what I do in that office for $12/hour!
I drive myself crazy!

I almost got a job for $10/hour in a college museum doing nothing but sitting in a chair all day long twiddling my thumbs! [Almost... because they wanted someone to work the weekends]

I'd much rather lose $2 an hour and have peace of mind!
And time to think!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful cause on the other hand, I am learning just how much I am capable of, which is more than I thought I was capable of, and it is boosting my self-esteem, which needed some serious boosting... so it's not all bad.

 

[DigitalMethod]

I know, you're that good friend... ...Remember? Anyway.

I think you should just try to get her (if she is going fast) to come back to how she was before she left. Just be honest and tell her how you feel, you said she was a good person right? Understanding too? If she really likes you I think she will listen.

 

[INTJMom]

(I thought that's what you meant, but I wasn't certain. )

Oh, she was going fast before she left, too. That's why I'm scared.
And some of it is just pressure I put on myself to perform... to do things right the first time, and not mess up.
But she just has a way of creating 6 more jobs before I'm done working on the last 4 she gave me. I can only hope that I joined her at a busy time of year and it'll slow down, but it's more likely that she just loves to "keep busy". My problem is I hate to "keep busy" - not just for the sake of being busy, anyway.

 

[INTJMom]

I hate it when I have that sort of torturous feeling of my gut caving in until I feel like I'm gonna cry. It's only a few more days til my boss comes back. I've done pretty well while she was gone. I'm hoping she'll impressed with how well I've done... though I'm kind of worried she'll come back and nit-pick all the things I did wrong... not that I think I did that much wrong... or anything wrong for that matter. Shoot. I just know I'm not perfect. And ISTJs can be very critical and hurtful with their words sometimes. I should just get ready to eat humble pie, I guess.

Maybe if I just lean on her more for direction and prioritizing and such then it won't have to be so much on my shoulders.

I have a feeling that now that I have the clientele sort of memorized now, and stuff, maybe that will make everything go more smoothly when she comes back. I've gotten a lot of it down to a routine, so she can dump a lot more projects on my lap now.

One of the things we need is to get someone to make us a very complicated website that is tied in to our Access database. It has to be someone who has made a commercial/business site before. I should have done some research to find some examples... but I didn't have the time.

 

[DigitalMethod]

When I know I have a lot of work coming up I find that I prepare for it subconsciously, building up the energy.

That sounds like what has happened to you, you were earlier afraid of not getting the work done. But now you say you've done it rather well.

Hmm, does this help?
http://www.seekdotnet.com/accesshosting.aspx

 

[INTJMom]

Thanks for the link, Digital!

About the workload, I was supposed to finish it 2 months ago. :-(

 

[Salomé]

Sounds like you need a holiday.

 

[INTJMom]

Blue!!!
I was just thinking of you today!!

 

[INTJMom]

I'm pretty sure now that the whole thing that was an eruption of inferior extraverted sensing triggered by
1. dealing with details,
2. unexpected events and
3. excessive extraverting

Hopefully, I'll be okay soon.

 

[INTJMom]

Well, my boss will probably be in the office today. She went in on Monday when I wasn't there, to spy out how I left the place. Fortunately, I suspected she would do something like that, so I left everything in perfect order.

I'm feeling better... not so apprehensive. My friend Roger gave me a pep talk about how sure he is that my boss will be happy with everything I did when she was gone, and it helped me snap out of my funk. Roger is uniquely qualified to say those things since he is an xSTJ like my boss, and since I've worked for him before. Anyhow, coming from him, it made me feel better.

 

[INTJMom]

I saw my boss today.
She wanted to know if I had decided to stay with the organization or not.
I said yes.
She kept saying how wonderful I was and what a terrific job I did while she was gone.
She said she's going to arrange for me to get a raise!!!
And even some vacation pay for this summer!!
So I guess she is pleased with me.

Of course, the thing I was most apprehensive about was the pace of the workload,
but she said I've already experienced the worst time of the year,
and this summer I can have lots of time off if I want since it's not very busy.

The biggest thing I was worried about was the workload, but it was quite a slow day today.
And I think now that I have the job under control a little bit, it's easier for me to handle interruptions without getting drawn too far off course.

I guess maybe it'll all be okay after all.

 

[Salomé]

Ah you see! This is why it never pays to worry about anything! Glad it all worked out.

 

[INTJMom]

WHO IS THAT HOT GUY IN YOUR AVATAR??!!

Yes, you're right... it doesn't pay to worry.
I figured out that it's the eruption of my inferior Se.
When there are too many "unknowns" in the picture,
I get caught up in worry that is akin to paranoia.
I used to be a lot worse than I am now, if you can believe it!
Well, I haven't worked on my worry problem for a long time... so I'm about due.
It seems that lately everything has been working out much better than I feared.
I need to find a way to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
Perhaps a greater exercise of my faith would be good in those situations.
What a fool I am to forget that.
Ah well. No sense in beating myself up. I will move forward from here.

 

[Eagle]

Prayer. The best thing you can do and the thing you need most. You have some coming from me. Even though that ordeal is over.