(thinking aloud - can I do that in the SJ forum? j/k
)
About the consistency, it's funny that you bring it up, because her need for that has always inspired a "give her a finger, she takes an arm" feeling in me. Although I suppose that she just wants a really constant, close (also physically in the sense of being around, not away in another city), affirming, in a sense straightforward Fe-oriented bond. I'll never be able to give her that (consistently), it goes against my very nature and I've often refrained from participating in those things because she hungered for them so and I found it threatening and because I knew I would inevitable have to let her down and hurt her badly (
or am I projecting my Fi on her and can that stuff be rectified again by simply going shopping and restoring the pattern - I don't know how far it reaches, is she intensely unhappy?).
However, thanks for the suggestions. She doesn't care much for spas and stuff, but she loves to go shopping and she had a tradition with her mother (extremely close bond) to go shopping (which she tried to involve me in, but that failed). She loves when I talk about my shopping experiences (which I tend to find too banal to relate, but these are the only instances she really seems to show some enthusiasm or response to me), so I might invite her along. I know she'd be thrilled like a child.
For now I try to be as understanding as I can with her (and MBTI has definitely helped here) and explain her to my father (also INTJ), who doesn't seem to get her at all (and the reverse - but he's very patient/responisble/caring with her). We talked about what she wanted to do after retirement today, which was very hard because she has very little self-awareness and has been used all her life to simply do as she was told (yeah, low self-esteem+INTJ spouses aren't always a lol-fest) rather than think. I always try to listen to her and affirm her way of being, but she isn't used to really talking to us. I use a lot of questions with her, hoping that she will take charge of the situation and she does open up to me more, but there always seems to be that appeal for guidance. I seriously fail at Fe, so the closest I come to that is saying that I can understand how she feels - that it makes sense knowing how she functions.
Anyway, the funniest part was that my dad and I kept suggesting charity stuff or you know personal growth stuff, art classes, whatever and he kept being stuck on that because those things seemed free, fun, interesting, no social constraints etc. to him. When she said that really she would like to do stuff like work in a bakery for a day or two/week, I realised that we were going about it all wrong and then I remembered she'd mentioned wanting to open a Bed and Breakfast (which my dad vetoed
), so I went from there supporting her in trying to pursue a similar occupation, realising that being Fe Si she most likely loved working and especially with people. My dad didn't understand at all, he'd go back to uni and just take courses that interest him and bum around when he retires. Anyways, I tried to support her and threw in some personal experiences with friendly shop assistants. I think it was a good convo, not Fe Fe, but with genuine curiosity and a minimal amount of fix-it-like-this! thrown into the mix.
Although now that I think about it, she'd probably have appreciated it more if I had actually put on the new sweater she'd been nagging to see on me all weekend. At least more than a conversation. Irony oh irony.
(note that on her part, she's also not exactly open to exploring how other people function, which is something I find difficult to deal with)
Proteanmix, What you say about the hug is true - my father loves those hugs, he knows how meaningful they are, they are bred from Fi. My mother is comfortable touching me when I go away to uni, when I cry etc. These are ritualised externalised circumstances that frankly to me seem empty sometimes, but that seem to grant her a lot of comfort. I touch her on an almost daily basis I think (dude, this sounds freudianly wrong), but she seems to not care much for the touch on the arm in passing with which I want to communicate that I know she's having a rough time.
ESFJ/INTJ seems to be a rather difficult combo. But interesting, very interesting.
