Diary of an Addict

[anticlimatic]

Recently one of the companies I work for that manages state housing sent me in to inspect damages in a unit that a girl in her early 20s had been living in with her boyfriend. His unconscious naked body had been dumped on the curb by a van after he overdosed on heroin, and about a week prior she was hospitalized for the same. Left behind were almost all of her belongings, which will be either donated or thrown way. Things including: her drivers license, her social security card, a nearly new lap top, her box of jewelry, several family photo albums including her own baby pictures, multiple totes of fairly nice clothing and shoes, and about 100 owl figures of assorted forms...but the most interesting thing she left behind was her diary from 2012 to 2017. Clearly an addict, and possibly bi-polar, it's well written and makes me feel for her a bit. I'd like to quote some passages and maybe provoke a similar interest in her story, perhaps to shed light on how she could have left so many seemingly sentimental things behind. Any insights for the sake of curiosity would be appreciated.

Thursday, Mar 8th, 2012 (in red pen)

The color red represents a lot of things,
passion, lust, anger, blood.

it speaks to me. it speaks love.
love is a crazy word even though
its just 4 letters. it has
a twisted meaning behind it.
crazy, I know. I can't stand it.
love always lets me down.
it never gives me a break.

M̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶x̶t̶ time I fall in love,
I won't fall in love so quickly.
Take things sloooooww...
I feel slow sometimes.
Stupid all the time.
I have the mentality of a 12-year-old...
that sucks.

Apparently, I'm bipolar too.
I guess that explains a lot in
my life. Now I can put a label on it.

I think I just need to figure out
what I want.

not what anybody wants for me.
I'm done trying to please people.

I need to stop searching for advice
from others.

on another note, I'm still getting
high.
I don't want to do it anymore
but I can't possibly tell someone
NO! if they offer me a bowl.
ARRRRGG!

I'm a confusing person.
and that's my life thus far.

J.M.

March, 22nd, 2012

This whole trying to be sober
thing is really freaking me out.
I know I shouldn't smoke
It's gonna get me into a bad
place and a really bad
situation that I don't want to
be in.
I know I can't do it anymore.
So wtf is holding me back?

GOD SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

March 29, 2012

I am in a weird mood. I'm
really paranoid. I'm jittery. My
mind is a big blur.

I can't focus on a single
thought... my mind is
wisping away.

I'm freaking out. I need to
quit.
I can't take this feeling
anymore.
But I don't know what to
do. I don't know who I am
anymore. Keri is right.
I can't stay clean without
going to meetings.
WTF has my life become.
Nothing but chaos.

Lots more. I'm half way through it right now and things are going quite well in her life. It's awful because I know how the story ends (at least prior to an epilogue unknown), just waiting for things to start going south.

 

[Population: 1]

Reminds me of Go Ask Alice except it’s not in question whether it’s fictional or not. That will certainly be an interesting journey for you. You’ll have a real sense of knowing her by the final entry and it will make it difficult even though you know beforehand what her fate will be.

 

[Forever]

Reading this diary it might be easy to assume, she doesn't hold back listening to her passions.
She definitely has conflicting desires, but she'll do what "feels good" and is succumbed to listening to her body more than her mind.

Hence being an addict.

Poor person. I might be an addict like her had I done drugs.

My addictions are less... lethal.

 

[Lark]

I think I saw it in a top 15 or top 5 videos on youtube in which they explored a story from reddit which was written by someone called spontaneous H, its something people do on reddit apparently that they produce a blog like account of something in journalistic detail and it was this guy who had just gone to the park one day and decided to buy heroin from someone and had become addicted, as you would expect, then how messed up their life became afterwards.

 

[anticlimatic]

Any interpretive ideas on the following passage? Is she talking about a person maybe?

April 25th, 2012

He's a demon.
Destroying everything in his path
tearing houses and families to shreds.
Ripping their hearts out, Stomping and
throwing away their love for him.

But he doesn't care at all.
Doesn't even give him a second thought.

Third-party outsiders try to give him
another chance.
"Maybe he'll get it this time." they
say.
But he doesn't get it at all.
Doesn't even understand that
he has to stop or he will die.

April 26th, 2012

I can see
You're trying really hard. You want
to show me that there is a way out.
That I do have worth. I can stop
hiding now.
But please be patient
and please don't judge.
Yes I wear hundreds of masks at
a time. But slowly ans surely they
are coming off, one at a time.
Little by little.
And I dont want to pretend anymore.
I want you to believe in me.
But it seems like every time I let
that huge china wall i̶n̶s̶i̶d̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶
behind my eyes fall down, I always
am left heart-broken and torn.
my eyes end up cascading waterfalls
and I am left to pick up those pieces.
Please don't make me regret this. I want to
fall in love, but you'll have to bear with
me.
Please be patient.
Because I've loved you once I think I
can love you again. It will just have
to take time.

(Undated)

What is my problem? Why do I
get so angry at people over stupid
petty shit? I'm confused.
I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶.̶

April 27th, 2012

Today I got angry because Aaron
wanted to drink tonight. I don't
even know why I got so
angry. Drinking isnt even a
problem for him. Maybe
because Instead of buying
booze he should buy something
he actually needs for his apartment.
I got angry because things
weren't going my way.

I'm really afraid to lose him
because of my anger problem. I'm
afraid he will get tired of my
bullshit. Even though he says he
will not do that, I still worry.
That's another problem: I get
really close to people, then push them
away. Maybe because I want to test
their boundaries? IDK.

The following is a list, maybe three things she likes about herself per day?

4-28-12

1. Sense of humor.
2. Quirkiness
3. My hair

4-29-12

1. my eyes
2. my freckles
3. my hips

4-30-12

1. very caring
2. my 2 back dimples
3. my collar bone

5-1-12

1. I'm a great poet/artist
2. Sex! =)
3. Just me and my longboard.

5-2-12

1. my style of music
2. my perception of the universe.
3. my gratitude towards everything.

5-3-12

1. learning to become more patient.
2. learning to trust more.
3 have more positive thinking rather than negative.

I AM A GREAT PERSON!
I DID NOTHING WRONG!

 

[Population: 1]

Sounds like she’s referring to a person. It’s obviously rather cryptic to us. It doesn’t sound like an attempt to speak of a thing as a person though. Perhaps she’s talking about a SO or a friend, maybe even a family member if drug addiction was a family issue.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

What a violation of privacy.

 

[anticlimatic]

What a violation of privacy.

Any property left behind after a tenant willingly turns in their own keys is forfeit. She abandoned any rights to it- the question is why.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I'd save the stuff in hopes of reuniting her with it when she's in a better place. She's going to deeply regret leaving that stuff behind. She's in no condition to be making such decisions right now. You do you though.

 

[Smilephantomhive]

Any property left behind after a tenant willingly turns in their own keys is forfeit. She abandoned any rights to it- the question is why.

Is she dead or alive?

 

[Population: 1]

Is she dead or alive?

Yeah I was under the impression she was dead.

 

[tinker683]

Any property left behind after a tenant willingly turns in their own keys is forfeit. She abandoned any rights to it- the question is why.

I don't know how it is in other states, but in Florida that is explicitly the law. When the tenant surrenders or abandons the property, any and all personal possessions are up to the homeowner as to what or do with.

<----rental property manager in Florida

 

[tinker683]

To respond to the OP

Her story is both very tragic and common when it comes to drug users. I've rented houses out to people who've sold everything they had just for their next fix, didn't pay their rent or feed their kids, and got evicted and have the kids taken away by a family members. Its awful and sad and really hard to deal with, not just from the emotional damage done by the addict to his family members, but the monetary damages as well (unpaid rent, items needing to be removed or packed up and taken by the family, clean up to the house, court costs to get the kids, etc..)

It's a bloody fucking mess.

Reading her notes, she sounds trapped and I get the feelings she understands the destruction the drugs are having on her life but she can't do anything about it. It's sad.