proteanmix
Plumage and Moult
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 5,514
- Enneagram
- 1w2
So over the last month my family and I have been in the position of having to make several important decisions about my mother and the decisions made about her in turn made me think about my situation. When I think about the nature of these decisions: could they have been made soon or later, what kind of information could have been considered, what contributions did we make to lead us down to these critical points, I don't know my mind has gotten all wonky.
I feel like over the last month or so, I've gone down paths that most people don't have to think about till they reach 50+. I feel like I've mentally and emotionally aged. Aged gracefully, I've yet to determine. I don't want to sound self-important or puffed up but I'm just not on the stuff most people seem to be on. I've never really been on it to begin with it, but it's getting hard to even listen and read people talk about elementary, beginner BS.
I've thought about basic things like do I love myself. When I initially began to think about that it felt really weird. I think about it sporadically when I think about it, but when I do it's like superconcentrated thoughts of do I really love me. Then I ask myself what do I do? How do I show my appreciation towards myself? Everything that I do that seems like appreciation towards me actually takes me places I don't want to go. Like spending money on things I don't need, or not taking care of my physical body as I should, or neglecting my spiritual health, or holding on to negative emotions that I need to let go of. There are ways to love yourself that have positive outcomes and ways of indulging yourself masked as love. And then sometimes you've got to exert tough love on yourself that I personally have no clue on how to begin with.
I've thought about what is my mental and physical health worth. What is one year of joblessness versus a lifetime of kneeling before idols made of stone, plastic, metal, wires, and flesh? There will always be later, it will never be a good time for one reason or another. One of my coworkers recently resigned her position without another job lined up. Everyone (even me) asked her does she realize what she's doing. When she said that this job isn't worth the destruction of her body I stopped questioning her.
I too have thought what is a freaking paycheck worth? So many people have commented on her resignation by saying "Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do" or "It won't be for long."
I don't understand why people are always telling other people to bear their lot in life with grace. Maybe people need to upset their applecart more often, but of course that depends on the stakes. My coworker and I were just discussing that the dissatisfaction you feel tugging at you when you've stagnated and plateaued is what pushes you to achieve more. It seems to me that there needs to be a dash of greed or maybe ambition, (but what is ambition but a spin doctored form of greed) to move above and beyond where you are.
But subservience has its rewards I'm seeing. Maybe it's not even subservience. One person's subservient is another's "team player". I'm not sure I can fault people for knowing what side their bread is buttered on or where they stand on certain matters. I know my mother has said to us she stayed in an unhappy marriage and on a job she hated for years because she had children to raise and limited education. She knew her limits. When you drive a car off a lot, it has a Blue Book value. We scoff at limiting the human potential by saying it has it's boundaries, but acknowledging your limitations isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm not sure when it becomes a bad thing.
I think a lot of people air-vacuum their own lids on, but then again I'm back at the beginning it seems. Subservience has its rewards. If you know you're content at your $70K per year assistant director position, low stress, in control of your own work, and come and go when you please, is that such a bad lid to have on your jar? Wait a minute, let's switch the game up. If you know you're happy at your minimum wage job with little variation or complexity are you limiting yourself then? What if you threw a spouse and kids into the mix? Do you tell people to just "hang in there" or "it'll get better" or do you tell them to move?
The problem I face is wondering if I want too much and if that is leading to dissatisfaction. I wonder if I'm just not handling the situation with the right attitude and if I'm willing to move on too quickly after hitting a rough patch. I'm trying to gain some perspective on what is happening so I can know which way to go.
OK, that's enough thinking for now. I need to find a mall!
I feel like over the last month or so, I've gone down paths that most people don't have to think about till they reach 50+. I feel like I've mentally and emotionally aged. Aged gracefully, I've yet to determine. I don't want to sound self-important or puffed up but I'm just not on the stuff most people seem to be on. I've never really been on it to begin with it, but it's getting hard to even listen and read people talk about elementary, beginner BS.
I've thought about basic things like do I love myself. When I initially began to think about that it felt really weird. I think about it sporadically when I think about it, but when I do it's like superconcentrated thoughts of do I really love me. Then I ask myself what do I do? How do I show my appreciation towards myself? Everything that I do that seems like appreciation towards me actually takes me places I don't want to go. Like spending money on things I don't need, or not taking care of my physical body as I should, or neglecting my spiritual health, or holding on to negative emotions that I need to let go of. There are ways to love yourself that have positive outcomes and ways of indulging yourself masked as love. And then sometimes you've got to exert tough love on yourself that I personally have no clue on how to begin with.
I've thought about what is my mental and physical health worth. What is one year of joblessness versus a lifetime of kneeling before idols made of stone, plastic, metal, wires, and flesh? There will always be later, it will never be a good time for one reason or another. One of my coworkers recently resigned her position without another job lined up. Everyone (even me) asked her does she realize what she's doing. When she said that this job isn't worth the destruction of her body I stopped questioning her.
I too have thought what is a freaking paycheck worth? So many people have commented on her resignation by saying "Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do" or "It won't be for long."
I don't understand why people are always telling other people to bear their lot in life with grace. Maybe people need to upset their applecart more often, but of course that depends on the stakes. My coworker and I were just discussing that the dissatisfaction you feel tugging at you when you've stagnated and plateaued is what pushes you to achieve more. It seems to me that there needs to be a dash of greed or maybe ambition, (but what is ambition but a spin doctored form of greed) to move above and beyond where you are.
But subservience has its rewards I'm seeing. Maybe it's not even subservience. One person's subservient is another's "team player". I'm not sure I can fault people for knowing what side their bread is buttered on or where they stand on certain matters. I know my mother has said to us she stayed in an unhappy marriage and on a job she hated for years because she had children to raise and limited education. She knew her limits. When you drive a car off a lot, it has a Blue Book value. We scoff at limiting the human potential by saying it has it's boundaries, but acknowledging your limitations isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm not sure when it becomes a bad thing.
I think a lot of people air-vacuum their own lids on, but then again I'm back at the beginning it seems. Subservience has its rewards. If you know you're content at your $70K per year assistant director position, low stress, in control of your own work, and come and go when you please, is that such a bad lid to have on your jar? Wait a minute, let's switch the game up. If you know you're happy at your minimum wage job with little variation or complexity are you limiting yourself then? What if you threw a spouse and kids into the mix? Do you tell people to just "hang in there" or "it'll get better" or do you tell them to move?
The problem I face is wondering if I want too much and if that is leading to dissatisfaction. I wonder if I'm just not handling the situation with the right attitude and if I'm willing to move on too quickly after hitting a rough patch. I'm trying to gain some perspective on what is happening so I can know which way to go.
OK, that's enough thinking for now. I need to find a mall!
