[INFJ] Confused about my ex boyfriend's words and actions (is it a door slam?)

[Theleopard]

Hi! I'm an ENFP female and have had a wonderful 2.5 year relationship with an INFJ male. We had an amazing 2 years but the last half year started to be really terrible. We found ourselves in financial difficulties and I would get really upset with him over small things. We argued a lot and he would always try to avoid these conflicts, but he was slowly withdrawing from me. I wasn't aware and just continued about our daily lives, thinking that when our situation improves, our relationship would to. In the end, after a final small argument he told me he was too tired to continue the relationship.

 

[cacaia]

Hi! I'm an ENFP female and have had a wonderful 2.5 year relationship with an INFJ male. We had an amazing 2 years but the last half year started to be really terrible. We found ourselves in financial difficulties and I would get really upset with him over small things. We argued a lot and he would always try to avoid these conflicts, but he was slowly withdrawing from me. I wasn't aware and just continued about our daily lives, thinking that when our situation improves, our relationship would to. In the end, after a final small argument he told me he was too tired to continue the relationship.

We lived together so he packed up and found a temporary place to stay for a week. Before he left, we agreed that we would do a one-month break where we would just date but not be in a relationship, and live apart so we have space. During the first week we had no contact and after the week was over, we met for lunch. He told me he thought he had about a 10% hope that we would be able to work things out but it was very minimal. After the lunch I called it off completely and told him we should just break up. He cried. Later on in the day i regretted my decision and asked to meet for dinner. During dinner we agreed to just see each other (and not other people) but not be in a relationship. I gave him one week to move his things out. He would continue to stay at a friend's place.

Sometime during that week that he was supposed to move out, I suggested going for weekly Sunday brunches for dates. He agreed, but I felt it was very half-hearted and he was only doing it for me. When he finally came to pick his stuff up, we had our last conversation outside the van and I told him I couldn't do the Sunday brunches either.

I don't plan to contact him anymore. I know I am too fickle but it's because I feel like he's just saying yes for me, but ultimately he doesn't want to do it (the brunches, dating etc).

I don't think this is a door slam since he has not completely erased me from his life. He did say that he wanted to try dating because he was worried he will regret breaking up, and worried that he can't find anyone better than me. But I am just too upset and can't think straight/ make decisions and stick to them so I am not going to talk to him for 30 days.

I guess my question is, if this is not an INFJ door slam, what is he thinking now? Is he going to move on? Does he just need space? If I don't talk to him for a month and then try contacting him again, will things get better?

Sorry for the really long explanation! I'm just so confused.

Any INFJ input here will help!

I think he is definitely in need of space. Clearly he cares about you, for he cried when you tried to break it off completely. I also sense some fear- What if you're his other half, his meant-to-be? In other words, he is afraid of losing his soul mate (he is still considering you might be it).
INFJs need a lot of silence, a lot of time alone to contemplate things. I would suggest to just take it easy. Baby steps. Don't erase him from your life, but call him less often. But every now and then send him a picture that reminds you of him, etc.
I have a feeling he will eventually come back and be ready to resolve this. But for now, he needs time alone to mull things over.

 

[Zhaylin]

"He did say that he wanted to try dating because he was worried he will regret breaking up, and worried that he can't find anyone better than me."

You may also be viewed as a "safety net"; which automatically makes me bristle. If those were his exact words, he might want to go out and sow some wild oats.

That said, tell him what you've told us- that you fear he doesn't WANT to do the dates but feels obligated to. Let him know your feelings and confusions and that some of your fickleness is because you feel like you're strong-arming him into something that his heart isn't into. He either wants to or he doesn't. If he doesn't, why doesn't he? Maybe brunch isn't his thing (is it private or at a restaurant?)
I'd suggest doing all of the above, then giving him space without ghosting him.
You may feel like you're forcing him into something, while he may feel you're not committed.

BUT, if it is his wild oats, guard your heart. Don't be someones backup plan.

I wish you much success

 

[Theleopard]

Thank you! I forgot to add that he made a pros and cons list of why we should break up. I read it in his private folder and that was our last argument. I definitely overstepped there, but I think that's the biggest thing on his mind because when I asked him twice to try again (be in a relationship but not live together), he referred back to the list he made and said the cons on the list were what's stopping him.

But the cons are solvable... they were like, I don't want children in the future but he does... but people change! We are years away from that!

He is my soulmate for sure. I am 100% sure of that and have always been. I've never told him and have never even hinted this because it was such a private and personal conviction that i had.

I hope he comes back or I hope we rekindle something in the future.

Thank you cacaia!

 

[Theleopard]

Thank you Zhaylin! I initially felt the exact same way as you- I will not be anyone's backup. But then I realized that I've always been 100% committed to him (and I've been in 6 previous relationships that I ended, but never have I had a relationship that I was 100% into). So backup or not, I guess I'm in it until I can convince myself that he's not "the one" for me.

 

[The Cat]

Go watch Daniel Sloss Dark and then Jigsaw on netflix.

 

[Luminous]

I agree with telling him how you feel. Tell him that you think the cons are solvable. And then give both of yourselves a bit of time and space to recover from the stress you've gone through, calm down, think, and reflect. Also, with Eryn's suggestion... the idea of a soul mate, that someone is going to be a perfect fit, it's just not realistic. It's not fair to anyone to try to force yourself or someone else to fit. Some will fit better than others, but nothing is perfect. And that's okay.

I don't think you're fickle. It's difficult to be pushed and pulled and have something be hot and cold. It's confusing. I wish you good luck.

 

[Caribelle]

So you do want children, then? That can be a pretty big deal breaker for most, and he may not want to wait to see if you'll 'change'.
Also, sounds like the arguments kind of wore him down. I know infjs don't like conflict, so the bickering might have made him doubt the quality of the relationship overall.

 

[Totenkindly]

Definitely some huge working style differences here. He's reacting in INFJ ways, you're reacting in ENFP ways, and I think it's contributing to the problems.

Like when you nonchalantly mention you read something in his private folder? An INFJ's private folder? Wow. That's a huge deal.

I'm not fond of his choosing a relationship "because he can't find anyone better" but I do understand that -- it sounds like Ti at work, and that is a stage I remember being at in my life, in terms of evaluating things. An introvert and thinker basically appraises a relationship like anything else and is looking to maximize return and value realistically... but a relationship doesn't really work that way. My thoughts have changed over the years and now I see relationships in a different light -- you are committing to a specific person, not doing a strict cost assessment. Does he want you or not? But it's where he is in life, and it takes time to view things differently, so....

Anyway, I think a temporary space is good to help him get his head together and decide what he wants. Also, I think it's great if you do spell out exactly what that space means -- you're not quitting, you're choosing to provide 30 days of space to avoid forcing him back and giving him that room to think and decide on his own what he needs. Communication is basically the way to compensate for instinctive type differences -- we're always so prone to misread each other, so telling the other person our motivations and thoughts so they aren't misunderstood is how we avoid the problems.

The kid thing might be years away, but it is one of the most common reasons couples can't stay together and it can create a lot of volatile feelings. And how many times does someone get married regardless, thinking maybe the other person could change, when they're clear on not having kids? Srsly, it's one of the most common "incompatible" issues... so.... I guess it helps if you're the one who hasn't wanted them but are allowing for yourself to change... it makes it sound like you're more open. But generally... Top Three issue.

 

[Luminous]

From Let's Rumble | Brene Brown

These are good prompts to facilitate communication.

 

[Theleopard]

Definitely some huge working style differences here. He's reacting in INFJ ways, you're reacting in ENFP ways, and I think it's contributing to the problems.

Like when you nonchalantly mention you read something in his private folder? An INFJ's private folder? Wow. That's a huge deal.

I'm not fond of his choosing a relationship "because he can't find anyone better" but I do understand that -- it sounds like Ti at work, and that is a stage I remember being at in my life, in terms of evaluating things. An introvert and thinker basically appraises a relationship like anything else and is looking to maximize return and value realistically... but a relationship doesn't really work that way. My thoughts have changed over the years and now I see relationships in a different light -- you are committing to a specific person, not doing a strict cost assessment. Does he want you or not? But it's where he is in life, and it takes time to view things differently, so....

Anyway, I think a temporary space is good to help him get his head together and decide what he wants. Also, I think it's great if you do spell out exactly what that space means -- you're not quitting, you're choosing to provide 30 days of space to avoid forcing him back and giving him that room to think and decide on his own what he needs. Communication is basically the way to compensate for instinctive type differences -- we're always so prone to misread each other, so telling the other person our motivations and thoughts so they aren't misunderstood is how we avoid the problems.

The kid thing might be years away, but it is one of the most common reasons couples can't stay together and it can create a lot of volatile feelings. And how many times does someone get married regardless, thinking maybe the other person could change, when they're clear on not having kids? Srsly, it's one of the most common "incompatible" issues... so.... I guess it helps if you're the one who hasn't wanted them but are allowing for yourself to change... it makes it sound like you're more open. But generally... Top Three issue.

I agree with you. I'll be really sad if even after 30 days nothing improves. I'm now thinking more long term, like maybe reconnecting in a few years if we are still in the same city.. Do INFJs ever rekindle an old relationship, you think? Feels like they are so logical that they won't.

Thank you for the advice!

 

[Theleopard]

One last thing if anyone is still here, as an ENFP, I've never found it difficult to move on because I love love love new futures and possibilities.

 

[EcK]

From Let's Rumble | Brene Brown

These are good prompts to facilitate communication.

That's not my experience. Tell me more.

 

[Totenkindly]

I agree with you. I'll be really sad if even after 30 days nothing improves. I'm now thinking more long term, like maybe reconnecting in a few years if we are still in the same city.. Do INFJs ever rekindle an old relationship, you think? Feels like they are so logical that they won't.

Well, it's kind of the "door slam" thing. And generally INTPs run off the logic thing too, although the emotional dynamics are a bit different. (INFJ is one of those types that I've seen really develop a strong Ti, since it's the tertiary.) Basically, there's typically not a change in processing with Ti, it's more like "change the parameters" or "change the input" if you want to change the end decision. It's just INTPs are more that way, INFJ typically has some personal values in there too that play into the output.